Heartbroken. Boyfriend has Ptsd. He just broke up with me. What should I do?

[lynn182691]

I'm 29 yr/ F. I have been dating someone with PTSD for about one year. The relationship began casual, as most do. But after awhile I started developing feelings for him to the point of now being in love with him.

Initially he wasn't taking any medication for his PTSD and it really affected his social life. He would go through spells where he wouldn't want to see me or anybody for weeks at a time. It hurt me but I kept telling him that I would wait for him and that I was here for him and I always tried to give him his space as he needed it.

Eventually he got some help and was prescribed some medication for the PTSD. It was amazing how much of a difference it made. He started to want to include me more in his life. It seemed like he started to connect with me more and he was spending a lot more time with me. We had a lot of fun together and I really felt like he was starting to open up to me.

However, he never told me how he felt about me. He never expressed any type of feelings for me. I just felt like he was starting to care for me because it seemed like he was making an effort to get closer to me by spending more time with me and inviting me to do more things with him. He just never expressed his feelings for me verbally and that was difficult for me. He also never wanted to put a "title" to our relationship, i.e., become "official" boyfriend/girlfriend. I was okay with this just because I loved him and wanted him in my life.

But then just a few days ago he texted me out of the blue and told me that he couldn't keep dragging me along. He said he doesn't feel love the way he's supposed to and it wasn't fair to me to stay in a relationship with me. He said I didn't do anything wrong, he just didn't feel right about it.

I am completely crushed. I have had the absolute WORST few days of my life. I am so heartbroken. I want him to know that I can be supportive of him like I've always tried to be. I want to be there for him. I want to care for him and love him. I want him in my life!

How do I know if he is just going through one of his "bad spells" from his PTSD where he wants to shut me out, or if he really just doesn't want to be with me anymore?? Do people with PTSD typically shut people out and then end up contacting them later, trying to salvage the relationship?

Should I just leave him alone and risk never talking to him again? I hate that feeling. We were like best friends and now nothing! Its the worst feeling in the world.

Is it likely that he will want to get back together after awhile? Or should I just forget all hope of getting him back in my life and move on?

Some wisdom is greatly appreciated. Thanks.

[Greenleven]

I think he doesn't have the same feelings you have for him that is if he has any , he was being honest
ABout how he feels about you, and better now find out and try to move on before you had many years wasted just hoping ,it is a one side 86
If he never showed emotions, never showed initmacy band he is a young man so forgive him because God loves you .

[Savasanana]

Your post is heartbreaking and all too familiar. Im a puddle of shattered emotions wanting to wake up from this nightmare. My boyfriend and I were so in love and 16 months later, it's over. He moved in. Then 4 months in, started sleeping on the couch. He would be gone on the weekends or be home and zone out in front of gory TV shows. I stood by him wanting to help and have him seek help. But he pushed me away. And then wants me back. Its a rollercoaster and I vowed to stick it out. But now he is clear he cant see me. I keep crying. This is so painful. Yoga, antidepressants, friends and pets are my tonic. God bless.

[janeroll123]

I’ve just been through a similar situation and trying hard not to take it personally. My bf was badly mugged and attacked (almost died) – he has since fully recovered physically but now suffering a lot mentally. For the first four months he had depression which was hard to deal with but we got through it. Then we moved in together just us two and he started picking at me for very small things and saying he couldn’t trust me. He became very distant, cold, constantly accusing me of things I would never and had not done! (This went on for 2 mos) We decided to have some time apart and the time apart was awful – he was very cold and I felt like he left me in the lurch with no explanation. We met up a month later and he finally opened up to me that he was going through something really bad as a result of his attack and that he was constantly questioning things, making decisions based on fear, said there were times we were living together where he “hated” me, said he felt like he was stuck lost in a field and was trying to get to me and the path I was on but couldn’t get there. He said he felt like he needed more time alone and it would take a few months at least but that he didn’t know when he was going to get out of this bad place and what was going to happen to him. He kind of left it with me to decide what to do and I made the decision to leave, told him that I still loved him and he could contact me if he felt better in the future as I couldn’t take being stuck in this limbo period (it was just too painful). I feel like it’s hard not take this all personally and the fact that he has just let me leave. I would have waited for him if I had some form of encouragement that he would come back to me but he was just so confused.  

[babylove1972]

When I was 16 I met my high school sweet heart he had a intent conection. We dated for about 6 months. When we held hand I felt such an amazing conection to him . We didn't go to the same school so we had someone who we thought we could trust pass love letters back and forth.we lost our virginity together on christmas eve.
One night I was at a party with some good friends and they talked me into smoking some potit was my first time. I got so tired and went in a bedroom and fell asleep the next thing I knew I had some guy on me I didn't know he was a new student at my school. He rapped me, the next day at school he spread around school that he got down my pants. I walked up to him at school and slammed him aginst the lockers.  I did tell a teacher who told me it was my flat and I shouldn't have been doing drugs. I was a shamed.  I tried to get to my boyfriend before the news got to him, but I got the break up letter. I try ed t9 talk to him on the school bus but he didn't want to talk to me and walked away.
For 25 years searched for him with no success.  I read his Beautiful love letters until an ex found them and burnt them. After 25 years. I found him on fb. I almost fell to the ground when he massaged me back. It was weird because he was mad sounding and asked me was I wanted after all these years I asked him why he broke up with me. He was taken back and said he didn't brake up with me I broke up with him. After talking we figured out that the person passing our letters back and forth were sabotaging our relationship. We were dumbfounded. He got a fake letter from me saying I found someone else I couldn't believe it. We both still after 25 years had this amazing connection. He was 2 states away and we did the long distance thing for 2 months. He had told me he had ptsd witch I I really didn't know anything about it. I kinda research it a little bit learn to leave him alone when he's going through his depression or his cycle which I did and he appreciated. Didn't really look into relationships with people would PTSD. Kind of wish I had. He everyday would tell me he loved me he would let me know if he was having a bad day if he was depressed and I would just kind of let him have his space everything was great. He asked me to marry him couple times a week and I would always say yes we started planning on getting together we had a lot of the same dreams. We're both virgos and I swear she feels like my twin flame because we do have so much in common I'm always felt like there was something missing from my life when he wasn't there I always felt some kind of a connection to him over the years . I would actually compare my boyfriends I was dating at the time to him. I sent him tons of pictures you sent me pictures you tell me I was beautiful and smart and always made me feel so good I've never been with anybody that loving before and that made me feel that amazing. He talked about moving here with me and when I would say if you move here he would always correct me and say when I move there there's no if. Valentine's Day came and since we're in this long distance relationship I decided to send him a care package with a bunch of different letters and poems and little gifts intricate things that I thought he would like all the letters had things written on the outside like open after your cycle open up if you're depressed things like that there was probably like 40 letters he felt horrible that I had done that well guilty because he'd only sent me a card and which I didn't care. I just wanted to make him happy and that's just the way I am. He never opened up any of the letters which hurt a little bit. I finally opened up a weekend to drive and meet him it was a long drive it took me all day he was excited kept texting me I will text him back and forth he would do a countdown on the days and hours till I got there. We planned on camping but as soon I showed up he would like a million miles away and then when we went camping he started acting kind of mean pinching me making front of the clothes I was wearing telling me I need to sit up straight asking me why I was yelling when I wasn't yelling it was really bizarre I was really trying to get close to him and I just felt like he was a million miles away and I never experienced anything like that before so I didn't know how to react I just kind of ignored it and gave him attention here and there wasn't too pushy. The day I was getting ready to leave I was crying and telling him how much I was going to miss him and he responded by telling me that he hadn't even thought about it which kind of hurt. He had told me that he would probably break up with me a couple times and just to hold on he would get back to me. So two days later after the camping trip he texted me and said he had no more feelings for me which was really confusing I asked him if he wasn't attracted to me and he said I was very beautiful I sent a many pictures of me even body shots. I was completely devastated when he broke up with me I felt like a chunk of my soul has been ripped out of my body and there's just this big empty spot in there. He actually broke up with me through a text so I didn't call him I just gave him his space the next day he called me and I started crying he told me we can still be friends which I tried for the next couple days but it hurt too much I texted him back and told him I can't be friends it hurts too much. Maybe sometime in the future. What's really strange as I thought maybe he was in a depression or a cycle mode and he said no I'm actually healed and I've been talking to people around town and making eye contact and I need to thank you for that because you gave me the puzzle piece I needed in my life to move on from the PTSD so it was just really confusing I felt may be used a little bit he's happy apparently and I have been very depressed. I'm confused if this is another part of PTSD or if he really has moved on. I keep hoping that he'll call me and be his loving soul and he's all excited and I can hear him smiling through the phone but its been 3 days now and he hasn't called.

[heidiwood]

What happened? I'm dealing with this now I think

[Medicalguy]

I've been seeing a guy with PTSD, he went to treatment this past week. He isn't divorced from his wife and only contacts her and not me. He chased me and told me he had feelings for me- his wife got him hooked on crack cocaine and he lost everything even their children. He's been arrested three times because of PTSD, his addiction, and her. He and I are in a homosexual relationship(he's married to a woman), I don't know what to do, we haven't slept together we said we'll wait since he's married, I ask him was he leading me on he said: "If anyone's being led on; it's her". I call and leave him a message on his phone giving him a friendly, positive voice. He told me before he went into treatment:"He needed her meds to survive". I prayed for him(you might not believe it)?, but it's true! He said"He's finished with women" three failed marriages and he's had enough, "He stated he had feelings for me", I know PTSD patient's stay to themselves a lot, he also stated this is just a hurdle when he finishes treatment we'll go from there. If; anyone asks me out on a date I'm going to go. I love him, but don't understand why he would chase me if he didn't want me? I wish he would of said I just want to be friends instead of the chase,he's a patient at my company and said he only comes there to see me. I can't figure it out?,c

[nz16]

This happened to me last week when my boyfriend came back from deployment. The first day was amazing and then completely shutdown. He ignored calls and texts for a day or two, until I showed up at his apartment which then he said our relationship was going to workout and have no choice but to move on. Im a fighter, and the gut feeling inside of me is telling me to fight. Should I respect his wishes. I know he loves me, its there under the layers of fear, anxiety, and angered. I was not aware of how ugly the PTSD beast is, and I hurt for him. I want to help him in some way. Im confused and hurt.

[galindc]

These are all great comments and resonate with my own experiences -- emotional distance, disengagement, etc.  A great book to recommend -- "Once a Warrior..." by Charlie Hoge.  It gave me some great perspective and the first person stories were tremendously helpful. Praying for all who suffer from PTSD and those who love them, from afar or near.

[1bluetree]

Wow! I am going thru the same thing! 2 yrs with a Ret. 26 yr Veteran. He got out in 2006.  He has shut down on me. I last saw him in May 2013.  5 weeks I was with him in GA.  I live in CA.   We have been flying back n forth to see each other.  Most of our relationship has been pretty good...this is his 2 nd shutdown on me.  It's now 2 weeks. Will not get my calls or return texts. He was to move here by Oct 11.  Since May, the texting stopped in Aug.  then it got to where I was the only one calling...then I had to make a fuss, then he would callback ....to now nothing.   No reason or anything...because he has ran before....and I am very educated on this PTSD...I know now what's going on.   I'm hurt too.    I will fly to GA in Nov....and try and get some answers...see if we can salvage this.     We met in 1983. He 18, me 19.  We were best friends back then...well he left to Germany, and I did not see him again for 30 yrs! He found me thru Facebook! We got together in 2011, and fell in love. The 1st time he shutdown was in Nov 2011 thru July 2012.   In between, he sent me texts...far and in between. Maybe 2 lines worth. So since 2012 till now, it's been pretty good.   Now this happens, and I don't know why.   I fear he may not be able to leave GA.   I can only pray now.

[shalynn71]

I loved reading your response.  I have a boyfriend who was an Army Ranger for 12 years and he is suffering from severe PTSD.   Your stories and others like it are like reading about myself.   I just dont know whether to end it or keep hanging on.  He says he doesnt trust me but he loves me and doesnt want to lose me.  That is so confusing to me.  God I hate this situation.  I pray for him every night.  Hopefully God is listening.

[a1211926]

Thank you for writing this. You addressed so many of the concerns and fears I have had after being abandoned by my Marine with PTSD. I'd always tried to love him no matter what--sometimes it felt like I was trying to love and hold a tornado, but I always told myself that as long as he knew that I didn't care, that in the end, that would be all that mattered. I'm glad someone understands. Thank you.

[lovelost1987]

the love of my life just did the same last night. completely pushed himself away and cut me off. i feel at a complete loss and wish i could understand why he is feeling how he is feeling. he refuses to see a therapist and rarely tells me his worries. we have been together for a year and a half, but recently he has been more distant and his normally passive, docile demeanor has turned angry and borderline aggressive. i really dont understand it. he told me he thinks about how much easier life would be if he were dead. now he has ended things with me and i am so heartbroken but also scared for him. he wont talk to his family either. i don't understand what happened to push him over the edge. please help! i feel like i contributed to this, but i didn;t understand what was going on in his head.

[anna226]

The LoVe of my life left me. This is the second time. We found each other in Sept/2010. In LoVe by Aug/2011. I fell in LoVe like I have never fallen befor, but soon realized that my man I LoVe was broken. His ugly childhood would turn his blue eyes black. I had no clue how to go about LoVing someone who was in so much pain. Confusing times; he always thout I was going to hurt him. People wer going to hurt him. We would fight & it was rocky, but after every fight we would hold each other & forgive. May/2012 everyone realized there's something wrong & his family took him to the hospital. His family has never liked me because they wer confused like me. They blamed me for everything either though he was sick way befor I came into the picture. They told me it was over. Leave him alone. I should for get about him. No contact for 1 month & 6 days. I have never cried like that befor & my heart was so dedicated to him; that I held hope inside me. My hope & faith came threw because he texted me out of the blue & we met & started over. Words were said that this would never end. If we can find each other again; that we can do this. For ever kind of LoVe. He got healthy with meds & was diagnosed with PDSD. Things wer beautiful. He came to my mothers for Christmas & It was the happiest time of my life. He then told me, his family & his Doc that he was better & that it was a faze. We wer foolish & let him go off his meds. He moved in with me at the same time. We wer both even more happier then we have ever been because now we could go to sleep holding each other & wake up holding each other. We would never have to be apart again, but that was just a Beautiul Fantcy. It was not a faze, but a life long battle that has just started. He got sick & fell to the bottom again just 4 months later in June/2013. His family hated me even more because he moved in with me. They diden't like that I had him & that he LoVed me. I knew if he ever moved back in with them I would never,ever see him again! They would take him away from me again for good the second time. They lied to me when we said our good bys. They said we could talk everyday & that it won't be like when he went to the hospital & we see each other in couple weeks after he gets some rest & back on his meds. They said that so he would let go of me & get in the car. The last thing I said to him was to not let them brake us apart. We can make it threw again. Please don't for get about our LoVe. About our life. About how much I LoVe him & need him. I kissed his lips & hugged him & tried to savor that moment for I knew it was the last. Once again (his family) went on his FB & changed everything. Took his cell away & cut me out. Told him lies about me in his sickness & confusion. I have leanred that you can't take someone away from there family, but they can take away your LoVe. They can take everything away.....I will todally 100% respect his choice on taking space if this is what it is again like last time & he will come back to me...or it could be his family on the other side of his cell & FB & they made the choice & I will never see or hear from him again. That's the one thing that hurts me the most. I Never Got An Answer. Maybe someday I will. These past 2 years just sits in my head. People tell me to have faith because he came back once befor. It hurts to hold hope though because I could be waiting for nothing. Thats a choice init itself to just wait. I am just breathing everyday & trying to keep busy. Every peace of joy I have ever felt is gone. I am num. There is no such thing as happiness anymore. I kiss him & say "if your happy, I'm happy. If your sad, I'm sad. If your broken, I'm broken. You are my merror. I LoVe you. I'm waiting here everyday. Don't forget about me". That's what I am doing. Just waiting. Weather he comes back or not. Weather he was even mine in the first place & this relationship was doomed from the beggining. I will not LoVe another for a long time. He was the one that got away. I will never forget him.

[strongandsmart25]

I'm in the same boat. 2+ year on and off relationship with an OIF vet who I know loves me but who keeps breaking up with me! The last time he broke up with me by email (!) so believe me, the whole breakup/shut down/no communication/no explanation/no negotiation/no warning thing is OLD news to me and I finally decided that as much as I love him, if I continue to let him abuse me this way, then there must be something missing in my life, too. So, I have been focusing on ME - exercising, time with friends, hobbies, volunteering, reading, etc. Yes, I am still open to him and try to touch in with him occasionally but will I put myself in a place where he can do this again? Nope. If he wants to be with me, he needs to step up to the plate and get over his fears. Otherwise, all we will ever be is just friends and I know I will eventually fall in love with someone else.

[carebear2222]

I am in the same situation as everyone else is, my boyfriend an i been on and off since 2007 before his deployment, he broke it off with me and had no explanation and it hurted so bad but I let him be free, I started a new relationship but all I could do was think of him, so finnaly in 2012 we reunited and it was so different we talked more, spent allot of time together and what not, but then it took a turn, he has been diagnosed with PTSD and High blood pressure, he had a few bad episodes were i had to call his mother and he went to the V.A for a week, but he doesnt hold anything against me, he got to the point were he always wanted me by his side never out of his sight, His family plays a big role in it to, they dont want him to be happy, but they finaly relized that I am here for him no matter what, I got a apology from his mother and i was so flabergasted like what was the apology for, and then she wanted to start taking us out to eat and his sisters wanted to get to no me more, but i took rain checks, I had to fall back from his family becasue I seen what they were doing to are relationship, Mind you my man has served 7 yrs in the service and signed up for another 3 I tried talking him out of it, but as well as I told him I support whatever he does, yes it hurts so much when he needs his space he wont tell me but i no when he leaves and wont text back or call, last time it was years before we talked and i dont want that to happen again, I really Love this man and he no's it, when we first met we couldnt believe we had the same tattoos, were like omg really we did have are fun times together, late night conversations in bed, but I feel this is the end again, and his family has a big impact on it, it has broke me down were i dont want to be around anyone, and I no thats not healthy and not me at all, I am so sad confused and hurt but I leave everything in gods hands, I pray he would just get the help he needs and take his meds, but I have to care for myself and think about me as he heals hisself, I will always be here for him no matter what and he no's that but i cant keep putting my life on hold, I am only getting older not younger

[pinkpandamiss]

i did this to my husband when we were younger. we dated on and off for 6 and a half years and then i moved in and realized that this was the best person for me that i loved this person and this person loved me healing takes time and we can be very distant just let him know that you are there for him and be there for him when he dose try to talk to you. you don't have to wait and be faithful just to him my husband has had manny other relationships while we weren't together during the 6 years and i don't blame him. as long as he knows you are there to be a shoulder to lean on and cry on he will come back weather it takes months or years. sure he might not be exactly like me but this had worked for my current husband. i hope things work out for you

[MYoungAtHeart]

I am sorry to hear about your boyfriend and you breaking up...Yes PTSD is a horrible affliction and I would never ever wish it on my own worst enemy.
You seem pretty savvy about knowing you cannot help in any way, but prayer of any kind has its own healing powers....

Thank you so much for posting, am praying for your healing and happiness...

M

[Jspence]

The most wonderful man I ever met just did this to me a week ago as well. I hate PTSD and what it has done. My heart aches and I'm tired of missing this man I fell in love with. My heart breakes that I'm unable to help him in any way and he won't even speak to me. All I can do is pray

[Ronnie377]

It's unfortunate but PTSD has the capability to destroy relationships. It is very common for someone with PTSD to feel detached from his/her emotions.  It *****, because you can build up to the emotions and never be able to feel them.  It's like a firework that you light up but it never goes off.  For someone with PTSD it's very frustrating to not be able to connect.  It feels almost like you are the walking dead.  Everything is a chore from the simplest to the most complex...you get lost in the peripheral details.  The best thing to do is educate yourself on how you can support your boyfriend with PTSD if he does come back.  The real work however will have to come from him and depending on how severe his PTSD is, the recovery may be a long, frustrating, and emotional roller-coaster.  If he does seek help; know that typically it gets worse before it gets better.  This will be emotionally taxing for anyone in his life but just let him know how bizarre he may act that you will accept him unconditionally.  There will be times that he goes away and needs to be alone...isolation is very common.  Having your consistency of you being there when he comes back will be very important, if you so choose to do so, but until your boyfriend seeks the help he needs and establishes coping skills to manage his PTS then i'm afraid a stable relationship between the two of you will probably be unreachable.  Encourage him in any way you can to seek counsel, medication can only do so much...The VA has great programs and in group, among family, and friends he may find the acceptance he needs to reconnect to the world and more importantly those he loves or at least would like to love.  Good luck and God Bless!

[Babybellausa]

Yes and I hate to sound like a horrible person, but as someone with PTSD and a friend to plenty of people with PTSD (because I spent some time in sand too) he has changed. You need to give him room to breathe. If you want me to tell you about all the things he has seen and done that he won't tell you, that he is trying to forget which is why he is so quiet I can. You won't be happy. You just need to give him space. He will start o remember what life is like without the weight of body armor and without a weapon and he will come back to you.

[drifter0213]

i took prozac for a month and it crushed my libido for two years i wanted to tell you that everyone responds differrently to meds :)

[Shane4846]

Hello, I have been diagnosed as a Veteran with PTSD, I went to the VA with anger managment type problems. was given Prozac. my wife almost divorced me as a result to how more mean, angry, violent, and confentational I became while on Prozac. I stopped taking it and have now went back to my "normal" ******* self. I cant find anywhere where professionals talk about anger as a side effect from prozac. but from personal expirience, and if you simply google does prozac make you mean and read the hundreds of posts from other people that have expirienced the same reaction. I dont believe Prozac should be given to anyone that already has anger or violent tendencies. Drs will say that Prozac dont do this, but I say bullcrap. too many people are saying they have expirienced the same reaction. Im telling you for a fact, I should be dead on the account of trying to pick a fight with every ugly sucker that looked at me wrong while I was using this medicine. I couldnt help it. I would go 0 to 90 in nothing but a split second. I dont like anything about Prozac for a guy like me. maybe it works for others with different Issues. but I say anything related to anger or PTSD, my opinion is Prozac isnt the answer.

[suz043]

it is a terrible situation to be in ~~ I've been in and out of this for 5 yrs...this time we bought a house together--he then announced that I wasn't welcome there and changed the locks ~~ I have an an appointment with attorney ...
he has always come around---but this time I am not so sure I want to stick it out...good grief--enough is enough...............

[stacie701]

Hi everyone, thanks for sharing all your thoughts.. it has helped me. I have just been diagnosed with PTSD and at a loss and thus ended my relationship last week. It's just too hard watching him suffer as well as trying to be well when around him. Pressure is too much and I need way too much space.  I'm not sure I'll ever be able to have a relationship again, I feel too damaged and wouldn't wish the impact of that on anyone else. Hopefully I will get better but if I never have a relationship again, I think I'll be ok with that, I've been lucky enough to have been loved deeply.  I have amazing friends who support me so I'm so grateful for that as well.  
Through this site and your comments I went seraching some more and I found this site https://www.ptsdforum.org which I think was a bit of a revelation to me! I wish I'd seen it earlier as I thought I was going a mad! Hope it helps someone else too.
Wishing you all the very best with your lives and health. : )