On April 6,2011 I woke up to find my husband had committed suicide. He hung himself with our weight machine. I cannot get the image out of my head and the guilt that I was just in the next room sleeping and did not hear him. I also have an over wellming fear that my children are going to do the same thing. I wake up several times a night just to check on them. I give them everything they want because I don't want to upset them. I was married for 26 years and was with my husband since I was 14. I have seen a therapist and psychiatrist. How do I get past this? I feel the stress is going to kill me!
I'm so sorry for your loss... I can't even imagine how difficult that must be. Have you tried seeing a psychiatrist? Has the psychiatrist given you anything to deal with the anxiety? How old are your children? If they are old enough to understand, you should sit down and talk to them. Maybe don't be brutally honest and blunt but just tell them you have been having a rough time and worry about them...and that you want them to be open and honest with you if they ever feel depressed. Keeping an open line of communication in the house will help everyone cope and get through it together. It takes time. You were together for so long, i can't even imagine. My thoughts go out to you.
Thank you and yes I do see a psychiatrists. I am on Zanax, Zoloft and Welbutrin. My children are grown 24 and 21 only the 21 year old lives with me now. He has no signs of depression or any reason to think he would commit suicide, its just a fear in my mind. I also lost my sister to suicide when I was 16 and I was the last one to talk to her and I was upset with her that she was calling me drunk in the middle of the night so I have that guilt as well. I just want to accept all of this and move on, .however when I think of my husband all I see is that horrible image down to the very detail. I honestly thought after this long I would be doing better than I am. If I am not at work I am in bed. What scares me is I no longer see my future. Thanks for your kind words. My heart goes out to anyone that is suffering from PTSD.
What sort of exercises do your psychiatrists/psychologists tell you to try?
Just a suggestion, maybe you've already done it...but have you tried looking at old photographs? Or even watching old videos if you have any. Also talking to your kids or anyone who will listen about some funny times or great memories you have with your husband. Or as a family, when they were children. Maybe if you try doing this more and more each day, those images won't be so vivid anymore.
It's going to take some time. I remember when my grandma was in the hospital after battling many tumors and widespread cancer they had to heavily sedate her. She was awake but it was like she wasn't there. Her eyes were opened and her breathing was scary. I was almost out of high school when I saw her like that...She was so scary to look at, I didn't even want to hug her. That's how I remembered her for the first couple years after she passed. It was really sad.
After time went on, I would remember things throughout the year, like spending new years with her each year growing up. I would talk to my cousins and other family about the good times and how silly and at times MEAN she was. Now that's all I could remember about her. =) I don't think of the way I saw her last at all anymore, unless I'm telling this story.
You have the power to control what "pictures" and memories your brain prioritizes, it just takes time, patience, and retraining it.
My condolences to you and your family....I am not a professional, but I would say that it is going to take some work and time to even come to grips with this situation that you have and still are going through...Know that you can post and talk as much as you want about it, the suicide itself, your feelings and fears and yes, even your hopes for tomorrow....I check the communities and would love to hear how you are doing...
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