Hello all, thank you for reading this.
Where and how do I even start... it is so hard to put into words what I'm trying to say...
Something happened to me a year and an half ago.
I am so ashamed of the way I behaved afterwards. I became completely cut off from everyone and stopped talking to all my friends. I felt so angry with myself, and everything and I just didn't want to be around anyone since I knew I was not myself. A year later, I left everything and moved across the country just to be away from anything near where "the event" happened. Looking back now, I see that the "event" was just that, something that happened. Bad things happen, that's life. I have accepted the event now and am moving on. But what I can't get over is how horrible I WAS to people who had nothing to do with what happened and who cared about me. I left them all, with no explanation...I just disappeared. There was one person from whom I really cared (he knew little of what was going on since I didn't tell him). I know now that my just disappearing caused harm to him as he spent months questioning and blaming himself for why I never contacted him again. Causing someone that type of mental self doubt is a horrible thing to do and I was wrong to do that to anyone. But, I don't know how to explain it... I was having such nightmares, crying all the time, and I became too selfish to think of anyone else at all.
How do I ever make ammends now? To anyone. What happened to me is wrong, yes, but what I did to others is also wrong. I am so eternally sorry that I hurt any of these people. I don't need their forgiveness for myself, I just want to repair the harm I did and let them to understand that it was nothing to do with them, and everything to do with me.
It has been so long now, how can I do this? Is it possible?
Sarah I can understand how you feel. I would start but sending them messages and let them know you need to talk to them. Let them know how you felt about the situation that you needed a fresh start. And I hope and pray they understand if they are true friends they will understand and forgive you.
If you know their addresses, you can just drop a card into the snail mail and say " I'm sorry we have lost touch with each other, but I want you
to know that you did nothing wrong, I needed some time alone and am
feeling much better now" and then leave the reply up to them.
One of the things we find out as we continue on this Life Journey, is that we are NOT responsible for anyones feelings and that trying to change someones feelings is a job that will take the rest of your life to accomplish.
If you are truly interested in continuing a new life from a different city or state, then you are on your way...I would ask myself why the past with the friends is so important now in the whole scheme of things...I would try to make some new friends and then learn from the past that a good part of friendships is emotional honesty and intimacy....and that part is up to you.
Good luck to you in the future, would love to hear from you about how your life is going...
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