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I am in desperate need of some help because honestly, im not sure how much more of this I can take lol.
First,Thanks ahead of time for reading my post. I am going to explain pretty much my life history so I can get a accurate result so please bare with me.
I am a 19 year old male with a strong history of sexual abuse, molestation, rape and physical abuse..
I grew up with my mother and father until I was 7 when they split up. The first 7 years of my life were great, no real problems at all.
Once my parents split up things went down hill. My father started drinking a lot and my mother slowly started losing her sanity (She is not completely insane, most people dont notice).
When I was about 9 we moved to an apartment building in a very bad neighboorhood with a family friend of my fathers. My father also started getting into illegal gambling and cocaine which combined with the alcohol made him very very violent. He started beating me and screaming at me regularly, but honestly that doesn't bother me (I have long since forgiven him).
It made me in turn violent to my peers and I was quite frequently getting into fights at school and other disciplinary problems.
We didnt live there long before we got a bigger place (a townhouse). My fathers friend moved in with us.
In time my fathers physical and mental abuse became more frequent, but we still had a strange bond. I was a very tough kid and really didn't feel pain the same way others did (so it seemed).
One night by father was gone to work and his friend was awake. I was scared and couldn't sleep so i made the mistake of crawling in bed with his friend (who to my fathers and my surprise, was a registered child predator). I probably don't even need to explain what happened next, you can get the picture.
Over time this mans sexual abuse towards me became more frequent until it was about ever day in so many ways. For example he would do little things also like get me a pack of pokemon cards and the way he would give them to me would be to stick them in my underwear and get a cheap feel of ... but also much bigger things..
Over time the abuse also became worse and worse until he actually brought friends into the picture as well as my step brother. I had honestly no idea what to do. I knew it wasnt suppose to be happening but I didnt know how bad it really was. but at the same time this guy was so nice to me and defended me from my dad, took me places, gave me ciggerates, bought me stuff, talked to me... I was scared to turn him in not only because I thought noone would beleive me, but also because I didnt want to disappoint my father (although he wouldn't have been disappointed and probably would have killed him), but also I didn't want to disappoint the guy doing this to me (i know thats sick...)
I was so confused and once the guy brought my step brother into it I started... messing with my step brother if you know what i mean.. (this is probably the 2nd most painful memories i have. I feel horrible about it but I was so young, 12)
So it went on and on until my dad came home one night and I was sleeping in his friends bed. I assured my dad I was just scared and nothing was happening (god i was stupid), but he wouldnt hear it. He didnt give the guy the benefit of the doubt and kicked him out.
My fathers physical abuse towards me decreased gradually over the next couple years until it stopped completely when I was 14 1/2. Thats when i went moved to florida to live with my mother.
Now let me jump back to shortly after the guy moved out of my house. On a completly unrelated incident... Me and a couple friends were abducted (yes i know it sounds crazy but it really happened), taken to some medium sized building, and raped repeadtly by 3 men.. It was an absolutly horrifieing experaince.. Horrible horrible things happened to us there... Things you probably couldnt even imagine..
The whole thing i think lasted somewhere between 5-8 hours (it felt like an eternaty).. im not sure exactly how long it lasted... but afterwards they put a bag over my head and dropped me off on the corner of my neighboorhood. I was hurt pretty bad but my clothes were covering up most of the wounds and marks... I stumbled my way home and went inside... my dad didnt even notice i was gone and was sleeping on the couch. I went into my room and cried myself to sleep, contenplating suicide, and wether I was going to report the incident or keep it a secret...
I kept it a secret but spent the rest of my adolescent years in a strongly disguised constant fear. I always observed (and still do) every little detail around me and strongly (but silently) analyze everyone I meet. I trust literally no one which brings many problems to my 3 year long relationship with my fiance. No matter how hard I try I cant trust her or anyone else. I know its not her fault but she thinks it is which hurts as well. The trust issues also is a big problem because I literally CANNOT bring myself to tell this stuff to anyone besides my fiance, which means i cant get help from a couslor, phyciatrist, phscologist,etc... I even took extreme caution while writing this and used so many proxies and other tools that it is actually impossible to trace it back to me or my computer.. (yes i know i am paranoid and untrusting.)
I tried my best to delete all these negative memories and my past from my mind starting when i was 14 and succesfully got them off my mind for a few years..
When I was 13 I started getting into drugs.. I smoked a lot of weed until I was 15, which numbed my mind. i quit when I moved to florida but picked back up again when i was 16 and since havent stopped smoking weed... It seems to be the only thing that helps with the problem Im going to tell you about. I also started getting into cocaine when i was 17 and quit shortly before i turned 18.. I will not go back to it and realize it was a big mistake, however it brought me some of the only true happiness (at least it made me believe i was happy) I have ever experienced.
When I was sent to live in a 'program' (jail alternative for juveniles) for a few months where i meant a very good counselor.. we got sort of close.. About 8 months after getting out of the program I started seeing her at her new job where she worked at a children's advocacy center. Over the next few months we got closer and I ended up telling her about my dads friend btu did not give her his name.. She was very supportive but kept trying to get me to report him which i woudlnt do. Eventually I told her about my step brother. She said she absolutely had no legal choice but to report it to not only the authorities, but also my father and step mother... This was horrible and the start of my bigger problem... Anyway, the autorities decided I was too young for their to be any criminal punishment and my step brother had long since forgaven me since he knew what happened to me and was a victim of my dads friend as well (which he made me promice not to tell anyone).. We got to be close close friends before she reported it but now i havent talked to him since.
About 2 months after I turned 18 i started having problems holding the memories back (which I kept hidden for a long time). I started slowly getting these memories back. This turned into the memories being... how do i put this.. 'forceful' in my mind. I couldn't stop myself from thinking about them no matter how hard i tried.. The memories started getting more and more forceful until a couple months ago they turned into (from what i can tell) full flashbacks or something of that sort.. There are actually a few ways these memories effect me.. I know this may sound weird and irregular (i haven't found many cases too similar which is why i have no idea what is truly wrong with me).
The post reached its max limit so i will write the rest in a comment
1st type: I literally kind of faint (I have done this in dangerous locations and hurt myself a couple times) where i have a dream like thing where i live through the raping or abuse of my brother. it only last a couple minutes from what my girlfriend tells me.. but it feels much longer..
2nd type: I get a really sharp pain in my head and I start to relive throgh the rape.. usually the part where i was tied against a wall.. it only last a couple minutes tops from what my girlfriend tells me.. but it feels much longer..
3rd type: It comes on very sudden (like the other types) and is completely realistic. I literally see everything as if I was in the place i was raped.. And it feels like i am literally reliving the whole thing... this one tears me down and often times brings me close to ending everything,(although I am not a suicidal person.. this makes me somewhat suicidal).. From what my fiance tells me, my eyes are open and i am talking, moving, mumbling, and screaming.. This one can also last a lot longer....
The flashbacks happen sometimes during the day but mostly happen at night for some reason... im not sure why.. they are usually accompanied by a migrin . The one thing that really numbs it and makes it go away is weed... that sounds crazy i know but it kind of completely numbs my mind and stops them from coming.. most the time... but it makes me not who i really am and i am unmotivated and have little interest in anything (im not sure if thats because im depressed or because of the weed... but i assume its the weed)... Now i don't do any other drugs besides weed.. the last thing i did was cocaine and that was nearly 2 years ago.. I don't have a drug no matter how this might sound.. Actually I would love to quit weed.. and often try but once its night and those flashbacks are there all my strength is taken away..
Now i have tried to live with this.. i have tried to tough it out.. i tried tons of things excluding seeing a profressional which is pretty much out of the question..
I feel really guilty about me making such a big deal out of it and I always tell myself it isn't so bad and I can deal with it.. I feel horrible about making it my girlfriends problem too (she stays with me most the time when they are happening)... But no matter how hard i try and tell myself i can deal with it.. when they are happening i cannot deal with it all.. i feel helpless.. like i do not want to live..
What is wrong with me so I can start figuring out a way to fix this and live a normal life with the girl I am going to marry?.. PTSD is the sickness that most closely relates mine i think so i thought it would be a good place to start. my fiance is convinced thats whats wrong with me.
Thanks For anyones help ahead of time.. and please don't tell me to report that guy, or the rape because i have no intention of doing that.
-p.s.-- i have had several concussions as well if that makes any difference---
I am so sorry you have had all this in your life I think you need therapy as that helps more than anything you need to be able to speak it out as you have done here, It is a good place to start as others will have some ideas for you, PTSD does have some real effects I know some folks come out of it but it can take a long time especially with the amount of abuse you have had. Ther are many books out there to read ,the main thing you can do for yourself is to get some outside help. Good Luck
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