PTSD? Sorry If I Sound ANGRY!!!

[nananeedsthis]

I'm going to apologize in advance for what I'm about to say...

I have PTSD...there's no question about that. And I've been in counseling, but where I live, it's not very helpful, as they would rather lock you up and medicate you than help you deal with the problems.

My story...I'll make it as short as I can...My mother had custody from birth...my father kidnapped me when I was 2 months old. He took me across the country. He conditioned me not to cry by beating me repeatedly in the head until I lost consciousness. Then, when the little alcoholic would run out of drinking money he'd take me to the bars with him and bet his drinking buddies he could do whatever he wanted and I wouldn't cry. his words to me were, "If you cry, I'll kill you." No doubt he would have, because one day I did, and he took me out and threw me in some ladys' garbage. I was cut from my lip all the way down my throat. He had the nerve to tell the drs that I wandered off. When he got tired of me, he took me to his sisters, where her husband and sons showed me, by the age of 4, what females were for. I was 6 when my mom finally found me. By then she was a total stranger. I never had the maternal bonding a child needs to grow healthy and happy. So, to try to bring this into perspective...that little a...hole robbed me of every ounce of my childhood and adulthood, because I now have multiple health problems including seizures ( I'm not allowed to leave my home without someone with me...they are not controlled), night terrors, relationship issues, and various other health issues that according to the drs. stem from all the abuse. And personally...I don't understand what is so amusing at the bottom of an empty bottle of booze. The day he died (2001) was the best day of my life, and if I could I would dig him up and slap him around for a while. I'm sorry if I sound angry, but I am...and he could say I'm sorry with his last breath and it wouldn't mean a thing to me.  By the way, I'm 49 years old, and still haven't gotten over it, and probably never will, thanks to all the problems it's caused.
Am I the only one who is so angry or are there others who can or do feel the same way???

[luciferafaye]

i think it is pitiful what happened to you, and definitely understand ur anger. Everyone handles things differently and when tells me to be happy its almost insulting. Im very young, but i realize that when i am sleeping or inside my own head, these awful horrifying thoughts will come out. The weirdest things could trigger a flashback. But i refuse to give my pain the power when im awake. I know i wont be happy. Ive accepted that. So take control of my pain and make something beautiful out of it. Poetry, artwork, music. And then other ppl can visualize a little piece of what i feel. Maybe everything seems to suck for you love, but theres ALWAYS something..even if you have to search..you can embrace ur anger and stop apologizing bc many ppl wont ever understand.. But dominate ur anger..make it something so that ppl will say he fought with aggression throughout his life, not he was an angry fighter..bc some of the best ppl go through the worst..

[nananeedsthis]

I thank you both for your support, it is appreciated very much. It would be of more help if you could call your representatives offices and let them know that you advocate for more interstate co-operation in child custody placement enforcement. I'm only asking for a few phone calls. It could make a world of difference to a child, even 1 child returned is a success. And while your chatting with your friends, spread the word, imagine the difference Medhelp can make!! What an awesome thought...

[drifter0213]

oh i was talking about cheating death i survived being nearly killed when i was in the military :)

[cheshchesh819]

It is a struggle when you feel you are alone,but now you have found us on medhelp you know that you can talk to us,there is a bit of comfort for you,i wish you luck with your fight for child advocacy and hoprfully along the way you will meet more people,like you said you have made it to 49,so you know you have got the strenghth to carry on,if you could just work on your anger then hopefull the next 49 years could be better

[nananeedsthis]

Sorry drifter but, survive?...I've made it 49 years like this, I am the sole "Survivor" if you catch my drift?  Great show by the way...   But I have a right to be angry...that less-than-a-man took so much from me, more than any human should ever have a right to, and was never punished for it. It was never considered a crime!! Just the financial burden he caused should have landed him in prison, let alone the emotional and medical burdon on me. My God, think about it...if you treat your dog that way, you're going to do time!!! I am sorry for sounding this way, I was having a very bad day. And I am really trying to put all my energy into fighting for children's advocacy when it comes to what is considered abuse and what isn't. So many children are taken from one parent by the other, and many states won't step in and help co-ordinate the efforts to return these children to the rightful parent. It makes me angry, because no one knows what is happening behind those closed doors!!! Any comments from anyone is greatly accepted. Thanks again, and I am truely sorry for being so angry.

[drifter0213]

when i came back to the states all i wanted to do was use alcohol; i feel your pain that you feel probably similiar to the pain i feel but you know what? i somehow survived and that takes alot of courage to have to endure so much pain ok :)

[nananeedsthis]

I understand what you are saying about not wasting energy or time on someone who has hurt me so badly. But as I sit here in my apartment, alone, with nothing but my computer and a "lifeline" button hanging around my neck, waiting for someone to take me for groceries or to take me to the doctors (which is all I get to do...busy life styles), the anger just builds up in me, because of what I am left with. What kind of life is this? I feel like a prisoner in my own home, and I hate this too. One can only stand so much T.V. I do have a cat, and she and I curl up together while I just pet her, which does seem to calm me. But I can't spend all my time doing that. I only sleep 2-3 hours a night, so there's even more time for anger. I'm glad I found Medhelp, and I'm hoping to make some friends so that I can have people to talk to, and maybe some of the anger and lonliness will subside. It's very hard when you're all alone, to actually have to "live" this way.

[cheshchesh819]

It is hardly surprising that you have got so much anger in you,what you have been through is terrible,i was beat at times by my father but not nearly as bad as you,all i can say is that i know its hard but i was determined not to let my father ruin anymore of my life,hate means energy and i cant be bothered wasting anything on the people that have hurt me in the past.