PTSD as a result of a husband's affair?

[GroovyDeeDee]

I have been diagnosed wit PTSD as a result of learning of my husband's affair with another woman.  Is this common?  What are the most common treatments?  I am in therapy, but I still suffer flashbacks of the night I learned of the affair, and the visuals I have created in my head of the two of them together.  

We are trying to work out our marriage, but the focus has switched from his behaviour to my obsessing over it.  

Any advice?  

[brice1967]

I'm sorry you are going through this.  I know how big of a struggle it all is.  The ground your on is unstable, you've quit trusting your self and your own intuition.  Again, I am sorry you are going through this but I will offer some advice.

First of all, the originator of this post is my wife so I put her through the situation you are going through now.  What I am going to try to explain might not make a lot of sense right now, but try to remember these things.  Some of it will make sense down the road.  Even then you'll have your doubts, but when you start seeing some truth you will learn to trust.

(By the way, It is important to note that you can only control you.  You've got no control over him and he no control over you.  You do have control of how you act or react to the things he does and it is critically important to know that you do have options.)

Okay, this affair changes everything.  The relationship you thought you had is not close to what you have now.  Things were great, now they are in the toilet.  The marriage is broken, but if both people want it bad enough it is salvageable.  It is going to take a lot of work and a lot of marital therapy.  Most men are too stubborn to do any kind of therapy because they see it as a threat or they don't want to have to tell someone else the entire story over and over again.

Knowing that you cannot control him, he gets to own up for what he did.  He had the affair and you DID NOT force him to it.  He had choices to make and you weren't even present at the time.  This part is his and he gets to own it.  He has to take responsibility for his actions and he needs to show empathy, support, more empathy and more support.  He needs to be completely transparent at this point in time and he needs to know that there are NO SECRETS.  

You have a right to know all of his passwords and you have every right to check on everything he is doing.  If he wants to save the marriage, this should be a no brainer for him.  (He needs to work on his PTSD with a therapist besides going to marriage therapy.)  Until he deals with these issues that are haunting him, they will always be there.  He needs help getting that squared away before he can commit to being 100% on board with the other therapy.  (I did mine both at the same time... individual therapy and couples counseling.)

He needs to show you every day how much you mean to him, and it needs to be like falling back in love again.  It also needs to be genuine.

It's also real important to remember that you get to call the shots on this whole thing now.  If he isnt willing to tell the truth, give you passwords, let you check his phone/computer... how will you ever gain any trust again.  With this, there has to be an open line of communication.  Communication doesn't mean just talking and listening.  listening and hearing are different.  You both have every right to be 100% clear on what it is that the other is saying.  Now is not the time to speak in code or not say the things you really want or need to say.  Both of you will also need to be patient.  You're going to keep asking questions, and it is his job to keep answering.  Its important to remember too that if you ask a question and you expect him to be 100% honest, you need to prepare yourself for those answers.  Some of them might not be what you wanted to hear.

Its also hyper critical that you work on you.  You need to do things for you.  If getting your nails done makes you feel good, go get them done.  If walking works, take as many walks as you can.  Exercise works great.  

Its also important to know that his PTSD is not a free pass on having an affair.  It does not make it okay.  The PTSD may have played a part in it all, but it is no pass.

I'll close with this.  If the decision is to try to make the marriage work, there is a long, bumpy road ahead for all involved.  You both have to find the ability to support each other, and I know that sounds stupid... he had the affair so whats there to support?  If you don't have his support and you both aren't on the same page, it won't work... so theres that.

Read some books... The 5 Love Languages pops out as one of the most helpful.  There is a lot to learn, so read it together when things are calm.

Good luck, and I wish you well.

[hetz83]

Hi, I am new to this. My husband spent 23 years in the army; deployed 3 times but HAD PTSD before deploying from childhood abuse ALL the types of abuse!!! My husband had an internet affair that lasted 4 months (I know some may NOT think this is an affair but I DO), the two of them were exchanging texts, phone calls and pics, they were telling each other they loved one another, I found out 3 days before my birthday!!! He DIDN'T apologize, in fact he got angry and blamed me for the affair (I wasn't having enough sex with him), he remained in touch with her for 3 days after I found out, on my birthday, nothng, no gift, card NOT even happy birthday. I cry almost daily because I wonder why I wasn't good enough for him and why does he hate me so much. I can't take it no more. At first I wanted to "save" the marriage...........been together 30 years, married for 27. He is and always was a GOOD person and always shown his love for me until he retired and came back home to live, that's when things went bad! He has been layed off from 3 jobs so far, I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! I'm sorry for going off on a rant but this is truly the first time I have been able to put all of this into words and believe it or not, it feels good. I still don't know what to do though :) ANYONE with any advice?????

[cheshchesh819]

yes still with him,and it do get easier,like you i love my husband as well,he hates himself more than i possibly could for what he did,like i said he was working a million miles away when he done it for months got in with the wrong crowd drank loads and then it all happened,the worst thing i found was that he never told me i found out through text messages on his phone,if you think you and bruce can come through this then do it but do it for yourself not anyone else,first thing you have to do is trust him,if you need to talk anymore message me and i will help you as much as i can

[GroovyDeeDee]

Thanks to both of you!  Chesh, I have seen you in the infidelity forum, too.  Are you still with your husband?  

I love Brice way too much to give him up over his 4 day blunder, but it's so hard!  

[drifter0213]

time is a healer :)

[cheshchesh819]

just try and take each day at a time,i have been through it,and my heart goes out to you,i was exactly the same the stomache churning the pitcures in my head of them both together the ultimate petrayal,i never thought he would do it,i asked every question possible,i knew it would hurt me more but i had to know to deal with the affair,my biggest thought was why if it was a one night stand,then even though that is bad enough it would be easier to sort of deal with but to keep going back to the same woman he must have feelings for her,i told him to go be with her but he didnt want to,he said it was just sex and she was there,he was working away at the time,in fact it has been 3 years today i found out,you will never forget,but in time maybe you will forgive and move on from this,make sure he knows how lucky he is to have you and show him the damage his stinking fling has done to you,then when you are ready you start to move on,dont be rushed into getting over it take your time,and remember you have done nothing wrong,it was him,he done the damage let him repair it,good luck