When do you quit standing on the wall?

[firestorm_01]

You close your eyes to rest, it all comes back.  Your dining out with your wife, something happens and it all comes flooding into your mind.  You can't go out, afraid someone will do something that will cause you to snap into your "take care of business' mode".  You end up putting down a person for doing nothing more than smoking around you, or cursing in front of your children.  Someone is not respectful to an elderly couple, you take them down.  So, you just want to stay away, away from life that is out there.  When does it end?  10 years, 20 years, never?  The meds,  you just get addicted, they wean you off, put you on more.  Joke, that is all they are.  I missed my children growing up somehow because of this damn wall they put me on.  Now, I am missing my grandchildren growing up.  I can still take out six people in six seconds, never fire a shot.  I can take an assault rifle and knock a quarter off a fence post at 800 yards and never draw a splinter from the wood.  I can kill a person sixteen different ways, each method within the blink of an eye.  They took ME away when they taught me all I know and put me on the wall.  I want ME back.  God, this is too much, I can't go on much longer.  They did not show me how to get down off the wall and it just gets taller and more complicated.

[hrt3105]

I understand the confusion in society, when your taught to do something so much then its not there, where do you turn , i really dont know. Some give up completly some just exist. Like you said you already gave up so much for so many. I've found I cant really function without the chaos or dont want to . So I'm going back to the wall, maybe not for everyone but its how I feel its what I do. I hope you can come to terms with your problems an concern. Please find a outlet somewhere before it cases a implosion. There are alot of people that transition back, If its what you want to do think youll make it , Good luck troop

[AnnaE]

I am so sorry that you are suffering so. LZFreedom's remarks seem very helpful.

I feel the same way about my PTSD from sexual abuse, vision loss, and abuse by my eye doctor. My career seems to be the thing that helps me most. I am often separated from it, by various other concerns.

All the living members of my family are still abusive. I put up with my daughter, because she is my daughter, and I will never stop being her mother. The family stops there, too. She will not have children.

[LZFreedom]

Create your own safe LZ and go from there.
Get connected and get real (like you did here) with others that have had similar experiences.
Journal.
- about the events
- about what your triggers are and how you might be able to react to them differently
Build yourself a life boat ~
- decide what behaviors are okay with you and what's not & don't worry about what's not
- define and install your own tool kit to treat your own ptsd. (find outlets for energy, or memories, limit the amount of time you're willing to spend in active ptsd as much as it's possible day by day, find things that are relaxing for you to do and know when to do them, figure out what's safe for you and know how to pull up that zone around you when you need it without completely checking out)
- define what works for you and what doesn't, and put it in your tool kit.
- honor yourself and your experiences
- try some exercises in making yourself emotionally and physically available to your family and friends. Stretch your limits while knowing you still have your own personal safe zone

Honor yourself for what you've sacrificed.
Remember that not many have the opportunity to re-define themselves 10-20+ years later
You're doing the absolute best you can on a moment by moment basis - honor that too!
Target practice is great stress reduction/anger management therapy for me, but then I'm a girl. Nothing makes me feel empowered like a 6 shot 3" group at 100 yds. (still girlie lol!)

Know that you don't have to share this or anything else with anyone that you don't want to share it with. It's your story, your life, your future. Please get me a message anytime you want some support ~ Peace & Respect ~ Wosh.

And you did mention God...