PTSD / Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Community
going backwards
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This community is for discussions relating to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Please note, this community is not monitored by professionals, rather questions will be answered by other members of the community.

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going backwards

I was held hostage when I was young, there was no treatment for
the outcome that put me on the path to depression with PTSD
so many years ago.  

I have tried to isolate the PTSD from my general anxiety disorder
and depressive disorder, but am  finding I need to actually
address the PTSD and to do that while being kind and gentle
toward myself.  

I write in a journal everyday, but am quite introverted when it
comes to sharing feelings in mostly an extroverted world.

I did have a counselor and we worked on PTSD for nearly 2
years, but all I did was cry for almost the full 2 years.  I think I
am older and stronger now and some of the people involved
in the Hostage incident have passed on which makes me feel
safer in some small way...

Thank you so much, This group/community looks awesome

43 Comments Post a Comment
136956 tn?1425609872
I am so sorry you went through this and I cant imagine how you could be dealing with such a traumatic experience. Have you tried speaking psychotherapist to learn some cognitive techniques?
4190741 tn?1370181432
Thank you so  much.  I always knew in the back of my mind that this
incident happened, but that was about as far as I wanted to go with it.
I think it was a case of wishfull preteen thinking, that if I did not say anything about it, good or bad, then its power is dimished and will someday
like a whisp of smoke just go silently away.

I am having more trouble with the shame I feel about being mentally ill because of someone elses actions, the acting out behavior when I became an older teen, the comfort I took in illicit drugs and alcohol, the mess I made out of my life because a mad man decided that I was going to be his
ticket into the great beyond,  I thought that all my actions were just normal people actions, when in fact some times for years I was totally out of control.

This is the pain of PTSD for me.  This and now why at this time in my life do I need to deal with it.  Why not just go into retirement the way I got here, a piece at a time, a day at a time....

Again, thank you for the reply.  I do really appreciate that
675718 tn?1449992146
i'm ashamed too and abused drugs there is a way out cuz it will always stay with you :)
136956 tn?1425609872
Do you know the person that did this to to you?

Never feel ashamed of your mental state because unless you come to terms with what happened and know it wasn't your fault you wot heal. Easier said then done isn't it?

I was abused as a child and I too had careless sex, did drugs and drank. It wasn't until I left my abusive boyfriend took my daughter and started to rebuild my life. I had no one and it took time and I still get depressed maybe because inside I was never being protected as a child and I blame myself and I don't know why I do that it's illogical. When you are abused you often feel like you deserved for t to happen and that it is my fault but it is further from the truth and I feel like you know that too. Don't feel bad or look back at your past look to what you can make of your future.
4190741 tn?1370181432
Yes, we all knew of the man and his family.  In the 60s every one knew everyone in town.  We didn't understand everyone or everything, but there was a trust between neighbors that you cannot find today...And there was also the wife and mother telegraph....Most wives and moms could kind of guess the back story when it came with new or strange neighbors.  And then each mom would pass on the info to a mom she knew and that helped protect the neighborhood.  

My Mom was sick and refused all medication...  My dad worked 8-12 hours a day......

I expect so much from the little girl who was/is me....I so often want to give
the little child some of the strength I now have, I want to be the telegraph line from the future that stretches back through the past, because an incident never happens in a vacumn.....Even now, how I decide to recover from this incident will affect my old age, my future decisions, and how I live out the rest of the years awarded to me.  

The Police at the trial tried to pin all the blame on this child of me.  Its just what they do, but I have never subscribed that it was my fault to be standing in one spot at one time next to a person standing in one spot at one time.  And when they asked me," Is this your fault?' I looked up full face and said...."No Sir"  

But everything since then has been a search for the Oasis, The nice place with green palm trees and waterfalls and no shame or pain.....And it doesn't exist....Not at all.....

I am so sorry for the abuse you suffered as a child.  I do know what you are going through and I am so glad you and your daughter have begun to move on.  Every woman who has been hurt or abused and then gives
the love she did not/could not have had is proof positive that healing happens even if we are unaware of it.  

Thank you so much
4190741 tn?1370181432
I suppose as long as I have memory, I will remember incidents .....My brother just passed away and he lost his mind about 3 months before
he died and spent the time in bed fishing from a big boat and hunting squirrels.  He no longer even knew who he was but his self remembered all the fun things of his life....and that was how he spent his final breath.

Thank you so much for you comment.  I really appreciate that
136956 tn?1425609872
You know its funny because the abusers seem to be so delusional about the abuse and their enablers believe them or refuse to believe anything happened. I really believe that it takes time to heal as I am still going through the process and I really think what we both lack is for someone to actually believe that it happened and understands our grief and what it did to us. Well for myself that is where I am at. I have anger towards these people yet I act civil for the most part in front of them. It has taken years to perfect but I feel that I have come along way. I know that I will never understand the why's it happened to me but I try to see about why the person did what they did. My mother for example. She came from and abusive household and was molested by her uncle and she married into an abusive relationship. Her way of coping was pretending it didnt happen. Do I hate not anymore I feel bad that she still hasnt dealt with what has happened to her and she still hides from it all like it never existed. So for me that is how I try to cope
4190741 tn?1370181432
You have hit the nail right on the head with many many most things you write here.  I just picked up a book about the child and neglect and what usually happens when no one is watching, no one cares and then no one cares even after the incidents happen......

Our moms could have been sisters, actually were in the whole scheme of things, but I always felt sorry for mine, for her inability to be sane and present in my life....I started at some age to take over the way she
treated me and started treating myself the way I was treated and thought that was my inheritance, and ended up in alot of internal Pity Parties complete with balloons and clowns.  I haven't had even 1 Pity Party in over a month now, sometimes I walk by an interior window of my psyche and see that the room is still set up for that so lonely experience, and I glance in but then continue on to something positive or to a new way of thinking.  It seems that all habits from the past are still waiting, like little dolls on a shelf, and last week I actually started throwing away alot of little toys and items that I saved from my childhood and were only sitting knee deep in little piles of blood and tears.  

Thank you so much, you are a wonderful writer and I do understand what you are saying and wish you Healing, Peace and Joy
4190741 tn?1370181432
I did want to comment on your thought here about no one believing that the incidents really really even occured.  With my first therapist, he had me write out the whole story, beginning to end, and then to read the story to him and my family/friends.

My family did not want to hear me read the story, my friends did not want to hear me read my story, and all made excuses why they were too busy to sit and listen.  I internalized that and added the word :Loser: to the already long list of negative names I had made up for myself.  After all this time,
the memory is only mine, the recovery also the same, just for me, just for me.

Thank you so much for your awesome comments
136956 tn?1425609872
You make some very valid points when it comes to removing items and throwing them away if they remind me from my past. I do have items that do remind me of them and I really feel that could help.

If I even wrote that and told my family it wouldnt matter at this point they all still live in denial and for my mom it would only make her feel more like a failure and I dont want to go down that road. Although I might do it for myself.

I really feel I have trapped memories because when I think of my past I have  hardly any memories of anything. I find that so weird.

I look at pictures and I feel all of the pictures are posed to make it look like we were happy but I really know the truth and I guess I need to come too terms with it as well.

If you ever want to chat message me :) you have helped me a lot
4190741 tn?1370181432
Yesterday after I wrote here and in my journal, I went and worked in my art room, and for 20 years I could not even get in this room.  Now I can walk the whole room and am cleaning up old projects and art works that will never be any more then half done.  I started crying while working on 2 little stone bears, a mama bear and a baby bear walking behind her, and I remade the little bears with the mama lying dead and the baby standing by her side, unwilling to leave her.  I started talking to my mama about how much I love and loved her and that I was sorry that she had such a life that made her neglect the basic care of all her children and her self.  I told her that what she held back from us was the ability for us to feel good self esteem and then realized that if my mama didn't have any, then no one was going to have any......And that is how it is in my family..... I also remember writing yesterday about how my family and friends had no interest in hearing or reading my story.  But what helped me was the writing it out, the tiny details on a yellow notepad, the scratching out and making right the emotions I went through, and my name at the bottome of the note when I was done.  And when I think about it deeper, my therapist was not listening to me either, he sat and watched my face the whole time, but that seemed more caring to me then family getting up and walking away during the reading.  I think when we give voice to a horrible secret, it loses a bit of power over us.  I hope you do write your story and then ask the person you need to love the most if she would listen to it with you.....
4190741 tn?1370181432
With Superstorm Sandy and a sick family member , I have not found alot of time to be online.  I have been using SAD lights for over 5 weeks now, along with daily journaling, and have continued my readings about PTSD, depression and Healing every day.  A few weeks ago I determined to make the healthy future part of my life instead of living in the dark known past and that has made all the difference.  Self care is not easy work.  It is difficult to forsee a different kind of life that you may resigned yourself to.  I was telling a friend that "This is certainly not the kind of life I imagined for myself", and then to have the strength to go into the old plans and see if they also are just pipe dreams that keep me tied to the past.  Every day I learn something about life, people, healing and the future.  The future is totally unknown and that in itself is a bit scary, but with a clearer head and eyes, perhaps future troubles can be stepped around or bravely gone through....
4190741 tn?1370181432
I went to a HUGE family gathering this past weekend.  There was no panic or pain involved in making the choice to attend.  I combed my hair and grabbed my cameras and drove 30 minutes to get there.  I felt that in many ways I was meeting some of these people for the first time without any old feelings towards them, and if a negative feeling did pop up, I self talked to myself  and gave plenty of hugs and kisses to those who especially were very kind to me in the past.  Of course our family is huge and I didn't know everybody, but I went up and introduced myself to strangers, really really feeling I deserved to take up room on the Earth.....Too many times I felt that all of the worlds problems were due to  my poor choices in the past, but this weekend just found me enjoying lots of good food and other people.  

The past 2 days have found me a bit tired, but now on Tuesday at 11 am, I am making plans for the Thanksgiving Holiday that will probably just be a quiet day alone.

I hope you all have a very peaceful Thanksgiving if you celebrate it....

535822 tn?1443980380
I have only just spotted this I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving and are feeling better .
136956 tn?1425609872
So my first session with my Therapist he said I am definitely OCD with PTSD along with my GAD. I am trying as you to get past the pain and hurt. I read Toxic parents and man was that book good. Now I have ordered 2 books for healing the inner child. I really feel more positive and I am happy that you didnt have any panic during the huge family gathering. I guess its baby steps for us :)
4190741 tn?1370181432
How did you feel about the doctors diagnosis.?  Did you suspect that is what he would tell you and have you a treatment plan with your doctor?
I can give you a couple of titles that really worked well for me, let me know and I can privately email you with the titles if you would be interested..

And yes, I too have a brand new library of trauma books and have found that what I thought was normal for my family, is in a lot of cases severe neglect....but normal all the same for my family.....

December and January is my worst months of the year.  Even with the SAD lights and journal work lies a deep heavy sadness that I have grown up with and called my only companions, my only friends.  This is the time of year I don't want to work at this anymore. This is the time of year that the work will do the most good, when you can take the worst of the recipe that makes up your life and instead of flushing it down the toilet
you sit in the stew and pick out the ingredients you recognize and
especially those other ingredients that you may have covered in gravy to hide and make the whole mess edible......

I just read in the daily paper that now the experts think that because medication only works on half the patients, that cognitive ( Talk ) therapy
will fill the void for the clients who have not had good results with just meds...
I have never taken meds, its just not something that appeals to me, the meds may be able to lift a mood but have never heard of the meds allowing deep drilling into the psyche. So I stay away from posts where members are asking about this med or that med and what is best and what works well or not at all.  It is not a shunning of members taking meds, its just something I know nothing about and I prefer to post things that I personally have experienced.

Take care and let me know how your therapy is going for you.  This could really be the best time of your life....

4190741 tn?1370181432
Hello Margypops, Thank you so much for your nice letter.

I am not a holiday person, holidays bring out all the strange people who normally hide behind the pretty patterns in the living room wallpaper and I stay away....But thank you so much for your note....

My best wishes for you for a wonderful holiday season

136956 tn?1425609872
I totally get where you are coming from. I too get SAD and have for a long time. I was on Wellburtrin for 5 yrs and it really helped with that but at times it made me feel like I had no emotion but now thinking about it I didnt because everything that was going on emotionally in my head. It also gave me anxiety but I had no other side effects. I recently started Cymbalta which for me was a life saver. I feel that I just need them until I start to resolved the emotions of breaking free. I came off the wellburtrin for a year and I felt great but I have other health issues and the meds and the SAD put me back into a deep suicidal depression that scared me as I have no desire to do that.

Meds are not for everyone you are right I wouldnt force them on anyone at all I know for me I need them and I know that they have helped me see things clear and that it has helped me get further and further into recovery.

I am very happy right now and I feel the emotional bondage being ripped off me and I can finally see that light for the first time in 25yrs.

I agree with the diagnoses that the therapist gave me for all of them but I was thinking for sure I had aspergers however alot of the PTSD symptoms coincided so I had to accept that it has been the child abuse that has has been the problem the whole time.

I guess for me it was hard to see that and Toxic parents really showed me that I had to stop blaming myself for everyone and finally put the blame where blame was due and that was at my parents.

I wrote them both letters letting them know how I felt as a child, what it did to me growing up and what I suffered because of it. I got the response I expected from my dad which in case finalizes it for me that I will never try again nor do I care to have a relationship with him. The anger is no longer with me and I have closure.

My mom however never responded but I know that she read it. She is internalizing it now as we speak. if anyone can give me validation its her. If she doesn't that is fine I will still have a relationship with her because she knows that what happened was real and she feels that pain but she has been abused as well and she hasnt even come to terms with that and that isnt my issue but I understand. There will be boundaries still with her too.

Please let me know those books :)
4190741 tn?1370181432
My prayers and condolences go out to everyone at that little Newton, Ct school....This brings terrible memories back and I am just basically numb at this time.  The babies dear god, the babies.....

4190741 tn?1370181432
I am so happy that you are getting the Peace you need after 25 years...It takes great courage and strength to break the cycle of minimum care just to get by year after year...I believe we deserve to do more then "Just get by", we deserve the very best that life can offer us.

  When I went to my parents with my letter about my abuse, the roles you mention with your parents was switched around with mine.  Dad gave me the standard reasons for why adults abuse their kids in various forms, but mum never ever would talk about it to me, not even on her death bed...I worshipped my mum and probably am still in denial about her lack of feelings for us, and always thought she didn't love me because I was a bad seed, not because she just didn't have it in her....

I order alot of books from ebay, and alot of them come from Goodwills
across the US...I look for free shipping and in most cases get a nice looking book for about 3 or 5 dollars ...I have bought new from Amazon, I do like to read a good review first and there are more and more books being written about Toxic Parents and subjects like this.

Book List In Part....

Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh>  Any thing by Thich Nhat Hanh is excellent,
but I think that anger or the mistakes we make with anger make the difference between recovery and staying ill...

Romancing The Shadow by Connie Zweig> and this is a guide to Soul Work during the recovery process from PTSD and Depression

Dynamic Psychotherapy With Adult Survivors_ Living Past Neglect by Lori Bennet> and this book is the one book that started me on the path to recovery rather then just being satisfied with " being OK"...I couldn't even tell you how I found Ms Bennets work, but maybe it found me when I was ready....

Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, A Handbook For The Mental Health Practitioner by J. William Worden and explains grief and emotions and how grief manifests itself into our lives...

The Inner World Of Trauma, Archetypal Defenses Of The Personal Spirit by Donald Kalsched and explains the interior world of traumatized people who have suffered unbearable life experiences...

The Inner Child In Dreams by Kathrin Asper > and is a book about getting that little child back in our lives for playing and creativity...

I have had the next book for over a year now and have almost wore it out.
It is another one by Thich Nhat Hanh and is "No death, No fear" and was the first book that made me realize that my thinking about myself,  the way I thought about my life and my future was a bit screwed up.  I cried over this book, laughed over this book and thought deeply through this book.  It still remains on top of my pile of best books....

I still recommend the Lori Bennet book, the woman is a wonderful writer.

Good luck and let me know how you are doing....It is so rare to meet survivors who are willing to share some of the deepest secrets that we have locked up for years, and in many cases, decades.....


4190741 tn?1370181432
Friday started out in a gray funk, I got up early but felt myself sinking into my PTSD behavior and thinking.   The images and sounds and feelings that I had as a child in the Hostage situation just played endlessly until about 11 am in the morning.  I have been in recovery and working on my PTSD since October 1, but nothing I was doing was working, so I laid down with my kittens and took a nap.....Part of my PTSD is daytime sleeping, to shut down all thinking, to hide, to not feel, to isolate, and I haven't daytime slept since October 1.  It is my one symptom that I really keep an eye on....

I woke up at 4 pm, felt bad about the sleeping and snapped on the
TV and they were talking about Fridays school shooting and kids being killed and the gunman and the babies and I was confused, what day is it, what are they talking about and what about the babies......

When it became clear to me just what the heck was going on, then the numbness took over.  Watching the images, the police, the lights, the crying parents, the message from the President were all met with numbness to be digested later and then dealt with.....

Today we know more, but the knowing does not help the facts that have
already occurred.  This is a terrible tragedy that affects so many people on so many levels and again, my condolences to all the families involved in this nightmare.

I have to ask myself if for some reason I was aware of what was going
on in Newtown even without being tuned into any media.  I had no radio or TV or internet on all morning, but felt like I was reliving my own situation
that happened so many years ago all over again. The offender in my situation was taken down by the police but in handcuffs, not a bodybag.

As I get older and more into recovery from my PTSD I am realizing that it would not matter one bit if he was killed or lived, that the burden of the Hostage situation I survived was going to affect me the rest of my life and I better hop to it so I can reap the Happiness and Peace that Life has to offer me.....

4190741 tn?1370181432

Patience Press started in 1993 with the publication of Why Is Daddy Like He Is?
a book for the children of veterans with PTSD and the first issue of The Post-Traumatic Gazette.
Help for trauma survivors, war veterans, family members, friends and therapists
4190741 tn?1370181432
PTSD seems to be in all the news the past few days.  It was brought to the forefront since the Newtown Massacre, and there is a lot of info now being written and talked about on the web forums, Active Soldier forums, NRA forums, and news commentaries.  

For years I got little glimpses of PTSD info,and  treatments,but when I
was diagnosed, PTSD was still called Shell Shock.

The Government and VA changed the qualifications in 2011 so that soldiers would not have to jump through so many hoops to get help for PTSD, and it has always been a mental problem that no one ever really
wanted to have, but more and more soldiers are complaining of symptoms that are putting them on PTSD lists, some of these soldiers from as far back as 10 years....

I think the lack of understanding does not make this a real popular forum subject .  For those who need and want the help, this forum is a blessing, and I wanted to stop by and wish you all a very Happy and Healthy New Year of 2013.....

4190741 tn?1370181432
Google News this morning reports that even though writing exercises show promise for those with PTSD and HIV, individual therapy can perhaps provide further benefits. A therapist can help clients overcome mental blocks that may stall expressive writing. Also, therapists can guide men and women with PTSD and HIV through the process of looking at traumatic events and help them learn how to cope with the feelings that cause the stress, depression and trauma in adaptive ways that will contribute to positive health outcomes and better disease management.
4190741 tn?1370181432
I posted this to my journal at the Depression Community but no one ever replied, so I am going to add this to my PTSD Community Page...

Thank you if you have any answers about the SAD Lights.



I have always suffered from depression, and depression and PTSD make for very
strange life partners and come packaged together in my case.

Today is the Year anniversary of my brothers death, and I could tell that I was
sinking...Not only is it a sad anniversary, but I have SAD, Seasonal Affective
Disorder, that raises its head usually as early as October and reaches a peak
in Dec, Jan and Feb.  

I bought myself a SAD light  and started sitting in front of it for
30 minutes every day since October 1.  I will continue with the sitting until about
March and then see how it feels to go without the lights.  When I first started looking
at the lights 10 years ago, the price was out of my reach, now they are cheaper,
about a hundred dollars and I feel it has already paid me back in increased energy,
no more daytime sleeping, and an increased interest in hobbies, reading and
my appearance....

The light does not cure depression.  It seems to lift it to a level I can carry around with
me...I also do meditation and have a huge library of motivational books and Audio
resources that lift the fog of depression even more.

But as my brothers anniversary got closer and closer, it was like I had never
done the lights, never done meditation or motivational work.  I was sinking
and it is a feeling like darkness settling over my heart.  

I stood at my kitchen window and asked myself if my sadness, my grief,
my pain could in fact bring my brother back to his family.  And if the answer
is No, then what else could I do to mark his life instead of with dark
thoughts.  I stood there and Gave Thanks for the life we had that I was
very lucky to have experienced...I gave Thanks for the opportunity to
know Love and to have wonderful memories of our childhood that can
soothe me for a long time....And the sinking of the depression that weighed so
heavy on me started raising.

I was wondering if anyone has ever used the SAD lights and if they had a
Positive Experience in the treatment of Depression...

Thank you

4190741 tn?1370181432
Its been a month since I have been to the communities and my whole family has been visiting since before Christmas.  They all flew out yesterday and I took some time to do a self check as I have not journaled or been here since Jan 4.

I have continued my daily motivational tapes and books and am still doing my light therapy for SAD.  I do have to report that this is the best winter I have ever had since I was a child and diagnosed with PTSD.  I was able to be active with the kids, enjoy shopping and dinners out in public, bought myself some trendier clothing and am making plans for some travel this spring and summer....

Thank you all for your support and comments in 2012 and I hope that I can pay back your kindness in the way of support in 2013 and beyond....

4190741 tn?1370181432
I have added Guided Meditations to my SAD Light Therapy that I do daily.
With the Guided Meditations we are urged to focus on bodily feelings other then emotional feelings that arise during the day.  At first I had a panic attact as I drew air into my nose and then released air out of my nose, actually thought I would forget how to breathe.  I restarted the video 2 more times and was finally able to get through it with suprising results for me as I focus more on how much my body feelings tell my mind how to feel.

What I did find was that the breath going in my nose is sharp, tingly, crisp, cool and invigorating, while the breath coming out my nose is moist, warm, wet and heavy.  That in itself was very enlightening to me as my PTSD feels just like the breath coming out of me.  As I focus more on body feelings, it is enough to just say  "feeling heavy"  instead of saying  "feeling sad" and then my attention is turned back to the breathing....The last  4 days using this Breath Guided Meditation has helped me turn another corner in my recovery from PTSD.


4190741 tn?1370181432
This is the first item in my mail box this morning at 5 am....

Military turns to meditation for PTSD

David Kohn | Special to the Washington Post

Over the past nine years, more than 2 million American soldiers have served in Iraq and Afghanistan. As many as several hundred thousand may now suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, experts say. They struggle with anxiety, anger, depression, flashbacks and nightmares. The ailment can take years to emerge, and many more cases are likely to appear.

PTSD is usually treated with drugs, behavioral therapy and other approaches. But for many, these methods don’t work. Now, researchers are looking at a new method that might limit future cases of PTSD and ease symptoms for those who have it: meditation.

With its emphasis on cultivating tranquility, meditation might seem an odd fit for the military. But the researchers say that a particular type, known as mindfulness, may prove to be an important therapeutic tool to help reduce stress and increase focus.

Practitioners of mindfulness meditation focus on a single thing happening in the moment, such as breathing, for a set period of time, generally at least 15 or 20 minutes. Studies have found that for regular practitioners, mindfulness has physical and emotional benefits.
4190741 tn?1370181432
Article from Todays New York Times....

Albert Perna, who has suffered PTSD for more than six decades since World War II—and didn’t seek treatment for it until he was 80 years old. Paula Span reports:

Back in Philadelphia, he married, raised two children, worked as a master plumber — and, for decades, endured problems that more recent generations of veterans might recognize. He had nightmares and often slept on the floor so that his thrashing and sweating wouldn’t disturb his wife. When he drove, the trees on the horizon looked like German antitank guns. Once, dozing aboard a train to Atlantic City, Mr. Perna reacted to the sudden whoosh of a passing train by diving to the floor, yelling, “Incoming!”

So Mr. Perna was 80 when he finally made his way to the Philadelphia VA Medical Center, where he began therapy with Dr. Cook and joined other World War II and Korean War veterans in a Thursday afternoon support group. “We began to understand what was happening to us,” he told me. “In your home by yourself, you figure this is just you. You don’t know other guys are going through the same thing.”

Yet even veterans who have suffered quietly for decades can benefit from the contemporary treatments offered by the V.A.. “We can help them out,” Dr. Thorp said, mentioning such options as relaxation and stress reduction training, cognitive processing therapy and exposure therapy.

Perna has found relief in the treatments, he told the Times. “I pray for these new guys coming back, because I know what they’ll go through. But at least now they know about this stuff. Nobody told me anything for 55 years.”
136956 tn?1425609872
I hope you are doing well :)
4190741 tn?1370181432
hello hello hello....greeting to you my friend....I left a message for you in your journal and am doing well since September.  

Since Newtown CT shootings happened, PTSD posts, no matter what web site I go to other then the military one, have decreased and discussions in public have gone underground in case one is labeled as crazy or crazed or unstable.  once in a while someone will come on and post but very very rarely.....

I am like that old 80 year old veteran who suffered in silence for 60 years and his story really helped me alot...

The really great thing is that the US government now recommends the treatments that I have been doing since sept with meditation and journaling and talking therapy at the top of the list....

thank you ticked....hope to talk to you real soon at your profile page if i don't hear from you in the boards.....

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I also was abused as a child in the 60's. When I had a series of breakdowns a few years ago I began counseling. I talked to my mother about how the psychiatrist said he and I needed to talk about my father's abuse. Mom's response was "I wouldn't to that.". Obviously her pride and secretiveness was more important than my mental health.  She divorced Dad when I was 15, and then her favorite saying to me was "I should have left your daddy when you were a baby.". Why? She kept repeating this but would never answer my question when I asked her why. I can remember my father's beatings and death threats towards me when I was in grade school, but I can't remember what he did when I was a baby, and I SURELY DON'T UNDERSTAND why my mother kept repeating something about when I was a baby, but won't explain.

Sorry for my lengthy rant. I sure do hope things get better for you. I'm so sorry people didn't believe you....just know, I do believe you and I feel for you.
4190741 tn?1370181432
Dear Sister,

Yes, wanting answers was very important to me at one time.  I wanted to make a time map of the day the happiness died and relied on my dad to tell me for my own satisfaction .....Unfortunately he could not tell me, his only reply was " There were just too many of you kids to keep track of just one"....I was just wild then.   Too many of us???  Whose fault was that...For years that was my mantra...Too many of us.  I was not even important in the tribe, I was just someone in the tribe of 10 children. and felt my self esteem plunge even lower.

Today that has changed for me.  My main family is dying off, all that is left are a few of the children from my tribe who don't remember me at all from their childhood because of the age differences.  Because I could no longer rely on any ones answers about me and my life, I had to start recovering as my own memories and my own life swirled around me.  I had to make a peace with the past,and the present if I wanted a decent sane future...And that is what I brought to my first session in Sept of 2012.  

With my mothers death in June of 2012 I started crying and mourning the past that only I remembered ....No one else had any maps for me.  I journaled, cried, meditated, listened to tapes, reflective music, cried, journeled, talked, wrote here, and at the time it seemed forever, but now I am getting healthier and stronger.

I know Sister what you are going through.  I am sorry you too have not found any answers through your mother, but want you to know that you do have all the answers.  You really do.  

Are you still in counseling and do you do any alternative work with yourself during this recovery....I feel a bond with you because of our similar histories, and really send Blessings and Best Wishes to you on your journey....Thank you for your imput and I hope to hear from you in the future.....

136956 tn?1425609872
I totally understand where you are coming from. I have almost been made to be silent and fight what happened to me alone. It is like the secret has to stay a secret no matter what pain my father put me through. It angers me to no end.

I read a book that has helped me really deal with many things that have happened to me. Actually 2.

The first one was Toxic parents. I really started to see how I was angry more at my dad than my mother who enabled his behavior and stood by him. This book made me really see that I was really angry at my mother and that she is too blame just as much for allowing it to happen to begin with.

As for the other book its called Discovering your inner child. It has really help me discover the child in me that was forced into hiding during all of the abuse and it teaches you how to love and nurture that child. It helped me unlock and release all the pain that I was in for all of these years and has helped me move on with my life knowing my feelings and emotions will never be validated by them. As much as it hurts I understand now that I dont need the validation. I know it happened and I am hurt but in the end these people go to their grave with what they have done and that is for them to live with not us. We can move on even though it takes time.
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I can truly attest to ticked choices of books to get into.  Only a few books have I found before recovery that I felt were actually written just for me, but the more I find, the more personal a lot of the books feel.....

Great comment ticked....Thank you so much

136956 tn?1425609872
Thanks :) I too felt they were written for me and same with other books I have read. :)
4190741 tn?1370181432
Todays News:

Yoga’s not usually the first thing that springs to mind when thinking about treatment for post traumatic stress disorder in veterans. But from the Veterans Administration to the Pentagon, yoga classes are becoming not just commonplace, but in some rehabilitation programs mandatory.

One of the places in the forefront of change is the Newington Yoga Center, in Newington, Connecticut.

About 20 veterans train to become yoga teachers. Suzanne Manafort of the Veterans Yoga Project, said what began as a small project has burgeoned into programs across the country. Manafort taught yoga for years before using it as a treatment for PTSD. She said she had no idea she might need to make adjustments to her teaching, until she made mistakes.

“Touching is a mistake. In yoga classes we touch all the time. But to somebody whose been sexually assaulted that’s a huge violation. Walking behind them is a huge mistake because it feels like they have to pay attention to what’s going on in the room instead of just practicing their yoga practice,” Manafort said.

She said ultimately it was veterans themselves that guided her, in some cases just by the courage it took simply to stay in class.

“Some of the men and women that I work with are Vietnam Veterans so they’ve been at home suffering for 40 years,” said Manafort. “And when they come into this treatment program and they’re told they have to do yoga, ‘they’re like are you kidding me?’”

“I thought it was a joke,” said Vietnam veteran Paul Gryzwinski. “And I remembered actually laughing out loud and they said no we’re really not kidding you’re going to be going to yoga.”

Gryzwinski is training to teach yoga to veterans. Many years after returning from the war, PTSD hit him hard. He ended up turning to the VA. Where he first encountered yoga.

“And I just thought of myself in like, tights with you know a bunch of women. And I know that sounds sexist – and I’m not, so forgive me – but it was such an alien concept to me,” Gryzwinski said with a chuckle.

And Gryswinski’s early misperceptions are one reason that Dan libby, a co-founder of the Veterans Yoga Project, said the 12 week yoga training for treating vets with PTSD tries to strip all the new-agey stuff out.

“We really emphasize, ‘leave all the Sanskrit names at home, right. Leave the candles at home, don’t talk about you know moonbeams and chakras and all these things,’” he said. “It’s really just about learning about your body and your experience; learning to breathe.”

4190741 tn?1370181432
Supression Of Symptoms Related To PTSD May Be Harmful To Recovery

Posttraumatic stress (PTSD) is a serious psychological condition that can significantly impair a person’s quality of life.

For military personnel, PTSD rates are extremely high. Veterans who have experienced trauma may struggle with many different symptoms of PTSD. They may be hypersensitive to situations which remind them of the trauma and they avoid or suppress emotions that are related to the trauma. This form of expressive suppression, although perceived as an effective coping strategy by many who have PTSD, may actually do more harm than good.

When a natural form of expression is suppressed or avoided after it has developed, the result can cause further exacerbation of PTSD symptoms. On the other hand, using cognitive reappraisal of an emotion before it has developed fully can allow a person to change their emotional reaction, and therefore the expression, of that emotion.

It is believed that cognitive appraisal, and therapies that teach cognitive appraisal techniques, can be highly beneficial at reducing symptoms of PTSD.

Article Today April 3, 2013

4190741 tn?1370181432
PTSD And Depression

If Depression can be known only by a color, it is a blackness, a blackness of the spirit, a deadening of joy, a bleakness of the heart, a emptiness of goodness and good will, a blight on the newly planted crops that will never know harvest...Depression opens the door to illnesses that kill us in the long run, heart disease, lung cancer, kidney failures and strokes.
Because depression is a blackness, it is well hidden behind you in your shadow, soon becoming a constant companion that you cannot even recall being introduced to in the first place.  Like a succubus, depression will try to take all your hard work with any form of recovery and suck it right out of you with sometimes only hearing one harsh word, having one moment of regret, one thought of yesterday that has not been resolved yet.

When Recovery starts it is like you are given a beautiful lamp with an everburning bright wick that you point into the shadows of your self and your life and as blackness hates the light, he recedes and recedes but always has that long set of fingers on the back of your neck.  Only by constant use of the light that comes with the tools you have chosen to use can you keep Depression behind you as a follower, and not as a cherished comfortable companion...

My writing and meditation are the lights I use to thwart off the cold dreaded fingers of depression.  The more I practice, the more the dark is infused with the light day by day...

4190741 tn?1370181432
David Lynch ♦ transcendental meditation

Veteran filmmaker David Lynch says US authorities should use more transcendental meditation to help soldiers returning from Afghanistan with post-traumatic stress disorder.

Hosting a Beverly Hills screening of “Meditation, Creativity, Peace,” his new 70-minute documentary about the technique, Lynch also touted its positive impact on troubled schoolchildren, jail inmates and female abuse victims.

“Some people say it’s a Mickey Mouse form of meditation, or it’s for beginners. That is total baloney. It’s an ancient form of meditation, so profoundly beautiful for the human being,” Lynch said.
4190741 tn?1370181432
From Todays News April 14, 2013

Illness-related PTSD develops from a combination of psychological upset (particularly among people who have a severe illness, additional health problems or are without economic resources) and purely physical trauma. Treatments and medications can disrupt the body's biochemical balance, throwing off hormone function, and interfering with neurotransmitter production, which can trigger bodywide distress.

Fortunately, cutting-edge research is revealing ways to prevent and ease PTSD; you may find them to be helpful.

Try to express your worry as you feel it. If you're uncomfortable telling your family about your fears, enlist the help of a psychiatrist, psychologist or counselor.

If possible, continue to be physically active before and after your medical procedure or treatment. Exercise aids physical recovery and relieves mental stress.

Take up meditation. Just 10 minutes a day of mindfulness can give you the sense of peace you seek. (Soldiers with PTSD have found meditation to be a great help.)

And most important, talk with other people who have gone through what you're going through; there are support groups affiliated with hospitals and various breast cancer organizations.

4190741 tn?1370181432
An Excellent Article This Morning May 2nd

The Tragedy of PTSD:
It afflicts vets and others, but help is available

People who are diagnosed with PTSD, or even those who have some but not all of the symptoms, can have huge problems maintaining relationships with family or friends. They may not sleep well. They often turn to drugs and alcohol to numb the worst effects.

Jessica Hamblen is the deputy director for education at the Veterans Affairs National Center for PTSD and a clinical psychologist. She emphasizes that although having some of the effects of PTSD are common for just about everybody who has been through trauma, the clinical diagnosis depends on four criteria:

• The victim has persistent, unwanted recollections or reminders of the trauma.

• The victim seeks to numb or avoid thoughts, recollections, places and people that may remind him of the trauma. That can include disengaging from family and friends.

• A person with PTSD will have problems with hyper-arousal, which can include brutal insomnia, “hyper-vigilence,” a quickness to anger and an exaggerated startle response.

• The victim’s symptoms last longer than a month and have a significant impact on his or her quality of life.

“About 50 percent of men and 60 percent of women experience a traumatic event in their lifetime,” Hamblen says. “Most people experience some symptoms, and most of them are resolved. A small portion develop PTSD.”

She says that if you have symptoms that aren’t resolved after three months, get some assistance. There is good news in a couple of ways for people who have those symptoms. The stigma once associated with PTSD or combat fatigue — and with seeking help for those symptoms — has largely evaporated, as modern medicine has come to understand the very real neurological and emotional toll that trauma takes on people.

The other good news is that, for those who sign onto and complete treatment programs, whether through the VA system or privately, the improvement rate is close to 100 percent.

But not everyone signs onto those treatment programs or takes their symptoms seriously. “Some people do very well,” despite what would be a diagnosis of full-blown PTSD, Hamblen says. “They sort of white-knuckle it. They force themselves to do things.

“For others, it really is too severe to continue,” she says. Work, everyday activities and social interaction are so compromised that they cannot function.

Abbinett followed up his Vietnam service with two decades in the Army Reserve and National Guard. He says that in his experience, most of those who have spent time in combat have PTSD issues.

“Not everybody gets affected,” he says. “Those who don’t directly participate in combat, such as support troops, many of them don’t have any PTSD at all. When it comes to combat troops, the argument is that if you participated in combat and killed another human being, unless you’re a total sociopath, you’re going to be affected. … Everyone is susceptible. The vast majority [of soldiers] are affected by PTSD if they’ve been in combat.”

“People who haven’t experienced trauma are becoming rare,” he says. “We’ve never had a generation of veterans do this much time in combat.”

Hamblen says that some of the newest research shows that 2 percent of all men and 4 percent of all women in America have PTSD. The number of those who will meet the clinical standard for the disorder some time in their lives is about double that.

And for those returning from combat tours of Iraq and Afghanistan, the percentage is 12-15 percent, she says.

Fortunately, there are resources available to support those returning veterans. Dr. Andrew DiSavino, a psychologist, is the PTSD program director for the Las Vegas Veterans Affairs Department. He says treatment for veterans with PTSD symptoms usually includes two primary parts: individualized treatment and group therapy.

Psychotropic medications such as anti-depressants are often used, but an essential element of modern treatment involves cognitive behavioral therapy, in which patients are taught to guide their own coping strategies.

“Many of the treatment principles apply regardless of the specific trauma,” he says. “Even for people whose trauma is not related to combat, the symptoms are very similar to each other.” Failure to take trauma’s impacts seriously can be devastating, he warns. For those with significant trauma, “it affects every part of their lives, often in a negative way.”

Even those with lesser impacts “don’t have to put up” with symptoms that are degrading the quality of their lives, says DiSavino, who has been treating people with PTSD-related symptoms for 23 years. His work included treating crime victims who have suffered violent or sexual assaults.

What people should not expect is a rapid and total cure.

“A lot of people come in asking, ‘How long before I’m cured?’” he says. “That’s not realistic. The goal is to become in expert in symptom-management.”

4190741 tn?1370181432
I just posted this article to my journal this morning that I found in the daily news.  A short version follows and my journals are for public viewing if anyone is interested...


Reported today May, 19, 2013

Regions of the brain that have been linked to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in military veterans continue to perform abnormally, even if there is no external stress present, according to new research published in the journal Neuroscience Letters.

The research, which was completed by researchers at the New York University School of Medicine and presented Saturday at the annual meeting of the American Psychiatry Association, also found that the effects of chronic trauma were persistent in specific areas of the brain even when the patient is not engaged in an cognitive or emotional tasks.
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