This community is for discussions relating to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Please note, this community is not monitored by professionals, rather questions will be answered by other members of the community.
when i was a little girl my step father had sexually assaulted me and i told my mom several times on several occasions and i always had someone there to support me and i don't remember exactly how manny times i told her but eventually i began to think it was normal till i was 12 and my teacher taught me that i didn't have to deal with sexual harassment that same day when i came home he told me he was gonna kill me if i told and became violent with me physically aside from the rape i got scared. we moved to michigan and the violence just got worse. i remember when i was 16 i told her again after i got pregnant and i lost the fear of death. and she called me a **** and we fist fought right there in my bedroom. she tells me every time i go there to visit her and my brothers that the whole thing is my fault. i've tried to talk to her about it and explain it to her i even tried to tell her as she was taking me home i told her everything and she screamed at me and the only thing i really heard was her calling me a *****. when i was younger my therapists would try to get her into sessions and work late just so that she could come after work but she would never come. i've been trying to be her daughter for 5 years but she still makes me feel like the filthy **** that stole her husband and sons from her. i know that it is not my fault and i know that i'm not to blame i don't need to know how to cope with it because i understand. i just need to know how to get her to understand and to love me again.
For my recovery, I started journaling and reading motivational books and YouTubes.....In the journal, I would just jot down some of the thoughts that arose in my mind, and then would go back to them later when I had time to really comment about what I was feeling when the thoughts arose in my mind....
My mom was very ill. She could not love herself or me like I wanted and expected her to do. Once I realized that, and it was a BIG realization, a lot of my thinking cleared up and I was able to get unstuck and then continue in my recovery....
Many many times we think that the adults in our lives " should" be one way or another, but life is not about " shoulds." I am so sorry to hear that your childhood was a horror and that you were hurt. I am sending you and the little girl who still lives in you some warm healing wishes....
It is really nice to see you here at the Group...Hope to hear from you as you continue your journey
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