Pain and personality

[mellie4]

I'm just wondering if anyone thinks there's a connection between personality and chronic pain and certain illnesses.  It certainly seems more women are affected with chronic pain and autoimmune diseases.  

Everyone that I know that suffers from chronic pain, whether it stems from something like fibromyalgia, herniated disks or post-surgical issues all seem to have some things in common.  It seems to me that a lot of people with CP tend to be people pleasers (not a bad thing I don't think.)

I was (am am) the kind of person that always wanted to help.  If someone needed something, I'd be the first to volunteer.  And I did so gladly.  I don't like conflict and I'm usually willing to be the one to give in or be willing to go along to get along. I like being a caregiver and often give too much at my own expense, whether it's with my kids, my dad, my BF, or friends.

But I've found that now that I just can't give as much as I used to, people aren't so understanding.  Maybe it's because they're so used to me being the one to host things, offer to do things that they just can't see things have changed.  I still do way more than I should but I've learned to say no and to ask for help (not that I often get it.)

I've noticed here, too, that a lot of CP patients tend to be very caring and I assume that carries over to in real life as well.

[KittyKat23_78]

I too can identify with all of your posts. I have withdrawn from a lot of my friendships due to my CP...I just don't want to burden people and be the whiner all the time - even though they always tell me I'm not. I have developed a great deal of social anxiety over the years due to this and I never used to be like that.

I also consider myself to be a very caring person. I tend to want to "carry everyone's burdens" on my own shoulders. Sometimes a little too much both emotionally and physically. I am very very sensitive, but can also be a raging "B" when I'm hurting....especially to the ones I love the most, :( It gets really depressing and I have to fight off the feelings of thinking that my family would be better off without me sometimes.

[MEFMJanet]

Wow, reading your post was like reading a story written about me and I think I get where you're coming from.  Kind of like what came first, the chicken or the egg?

Yes, I was always the first one to volunteer, always the one to help others and go as far out of my way as was necessary if someone needed help.

Now, very few of the people I have helped over the years are there for me and the revelation of that is heartbreaking.

In the first few years of being sick I continued to overextend myself as friends and family figured that since I "wasn't working" I was available to do things.  I had always worked full time and am only off work BECAUSE I am sick.  My doctor tell me that my full time job is working at having some balance and quality of life but people just assume that I sit here with nothing to do.  I sit here because there's really not much I CAN do.

All that to say, I really identified with your post, mellie.  (Not sure if "identified" is the right word but I'm searching my brain and that's what I come up with.)

[happyhbmom]

Isn't that the truth :(  

You know what I was thinking about the other day?  Clothes shopping.  Remember when that was fun?  Remember when going to get a haircut felt like pampering yourself?  When buying a new pair of shoes was a splurge instead of a chore?

I needed some slip on walking shoes and such for after surgery so I dragged myself out.  Within about 20 minutes I was so sore, I just wanted nothing more to do with any store ever.  I couldn't get into it at all.  So sad.

[Sarajmt]

I used to be so active but not anymore.  Even an outing to the store can be difficult.  Social isolation.  I used to hang out with my friends but have given most of them up.  Tired of making plans just to have to break them.  

Most days I don't even want to talk on the phone or by email.  Just want to crawl into a dark corner and hide.

[JadedSweetheart]

I have thought about this too.  The members of this online community are some of the best people I've ever met online.  We care about eachother and the one-time posters and try to help whenever we can.  At the same time the responsibility to an online community is relatively low, and I think that's good for all of us as we still want to be a part of something but can't commit too much time and energy. The CLs have much more responsibility, of course, and some members here take on more than others.  It works well for everyone as we take on what we can.
In my everyday life I have withdrawn a lot from friendships/relationships that I just dont have the energy for.  Like Happyhbmom, my mother is very emotionally needy and some days I just don't answer the phone when she calls because I know I don't need more emotional responsibility/stress.  When she wigs out on me, I cut her off until she's done with her fit.  Then we start communicating again.  Before the CP I just always dealt with her to the point of exhaustion.  I've had to learn to walk away and let her resolve herself.
I don't see my friends as much as I did, mostly because my closest friend is 3 hours away.  We talk on the phone as much as possible but even that's not as much as it used to be.  Part of that is being in a marriage again and having my best friend/DH with me a lot of the time.
When my pain is not well controlled or during a flare I am a total b****.  My DH and kids know to give me space.  I also have an anxiety disorder and if it gets all kicked up I know to remove myself from any anxiety-causing or prolonging situations and try to turn my mind to other things.
I have noticed that I have a lot in common with members here outside of CP.  I do think there is a certain type of person who reaches out to a community like this and I think they are some of the best people in the world.

[happyhbmom]

I try to be a very positive person.  You know, try to have a smile on my face, etc.  Yes, I tend to be a bit sarcastic, but inside I always have had kind of a warm happy feeling.

But in the last several months, whether due to meds or pain or both, I am getting so cranky.  I have no patience.  I am the first to complain about slow service or a surly cashier, and find myself frowning a lot.  Frowning!  Ick!

I did have issues with some of my friends, but when I discussed it with them I found out I just hadn't really been sharing enough.  They just didn't know what to expect, so I would suddenly get moody and they didn't understand.  Now I warn them when my meds are changing or whatever, and if I get moody they can tell me instead of getting hurt or angry.

My husband and kids have been great.  Totally stepped up to the plate and take care of what needs to be done.  They deal with my moods too.  I have a great family.

The one person I lost along the way was my mother.  We always had a relationship reversal, and at one point I told her I just couldn't take care of her any more emotionally.  Of course she didn't believe I had been, so when I stopped it was a shock to her.  I set rules and boundaries instead of enabling her and when she crossed them I put my foot down, and she couldn't tolerate it, so we don't see each other anymore.  It has been a tremendous amount of stress off of my shoulders to not have her to deal with.

I hope some of the mood swings and frowning will go away after surgery.  I hate frowning.

[Tuckamore]

Hi Mellie,

I think chronic pain changes a person to a degree. It can make ppl more understand of others needs and pain however I think it can also have the opposite effect.

We are is what we are....rather we have chronic pain or not. The members of our community are very understanding and kind....but it's my guess they would have been the same with or without chronic pain. We just happen to understand one another better.

I too have always been a caregiver from little on up. That has nothing to due with my chronic pain. Now I am less able to care for others. Putting their needs ahead of my own is often very difficult. My physical limitations are increasing.

I too find others still expecting me to do as I was once able to do I simply can't.....some understand but most don't. I did all the running and care-taking for my needy relatives. It's next to impossible for me to do so now.

The last holiday season I did not host after doing so since I was in my late teens. Ppl were angry and instead of taking over the hosting and inviting me they went other places.  You're right....asking for help often is useless. I tried that also the last several years that I hosting large family gathers. I didn't get any help so I just had to quit.

Our members are very special pp. Unfortunately I don't think they represent the majority...including the majority of CP patients.....that's just my opinion. :o)

~Tuck