Relationships and chronic pain

[worried878]

chronic pain is like addiction I found out the hard way..it can isolate u..and people who have not been there can not understand..I used to talk to my parents bout my pain issues..but do not anymore as they dont understand...my boyfriend is just beginning to realize i have a poain problem YEP..hid it like i would an addiction..cos chronic pain just aint sexy at tall!   he is beginning to figure it out cos i put ice on my shoulder and he knows i got shots last week

I have been single for 17 years...and alot had to do with this pain stuff cos working is all i feel up to..as of late//since i found this dr..he is great..i have been feeling better...but I am not sure whether it is ok to tell my guy bout hurting..I can tell he is already worrying bout it..like "did i do sumpin that hurt u?" etc....questions and i know he feels bad about me hurting but i dont talk bout it with him..I have learned to keep it to myself with people i work with, family etc...i mean why bring it up?  they cant help..but if someone is close to u they r gonna know..and i guess i feel as if it is a strike against me..an imperfection..sumpin that makes me less desirable..stupid..isnt it?

[nick30]

it's easy to understand where she(worried) is coming from though.
I always hid my pain for a very long time, mostly out of embarrassment. I still don't talk about it much apart from on this site(and with my mother, but then it's only about dr's appts and things like that).
worried - if you are in a new relationship i think it's perfectly ok to let him know that this problem has been there a long time and is something that you have to constantly deal with. there's nothing wrong with that at all. I'm sure he'll be concerned, not turn away from you.
you don't really want to be in a relationship where you have to pretend not to be yourself do you?
I know what you mean about it being an imperfection, like there's something wrong with you, but really, no one is perfect. and i don't think any of us are ever looking for perfection in our significant others.
Take care

Nick

[opus88]

hey there why do u lay so much guilt on your shoulders? you didn't cause the accident..it wasn't in your control anymore than if you had cancer, let go the guilt, they love u unconditionally, love yourself too.

social isolation!! yes I think I'm guilty of that also...when u don't have a VISIBLE disability others in my opinion tend to think she's a whiner or its all in her head...U wish they would just stop for a min. and really listen to what ur saying and not judge...
sometimes its just not worth the effort of trying to explain, I have 2 grown children...who live a few hours away and I see them occasionally....they even don't want to listen anymore, maybe I do excessively complain?? I try not to, but when"ITS ALWAYS" there how does one NOT continualy refer to IT and the limitations IT brings on? it becomes easier to just make excuses...I cannot go to that or I cannot make it that weekend etc. etc. etc.
and you do avoid people at least I sure do...I stay home with my cats and my computer and I guess my pills....what a life eh.
I enjoy hearing from all of you!

[ChronicPain1]

My pain lately has made me withdrawn, enough so that my girlfriend, family and co-workers are all noticing, and I'm generally good at hiding it.

[Tuckamore]

Hi Worried,

I hear you and understand where you are coming from. I think you are afraid to share your painful condition with your BF because you are afraid you will drive him away or scare him away. I certainly understand that. I've seen it happen.

However if he is a "keeper" and it sounds like he is, let him in. If he truly loves you he'll accept you are you are, pain and all. If he doesn't love you, he'll run like a rabbit....and you'll be better off.

Let's face it, in a perfect world our family and friends "get it" and they are supportive and loving. But this is not a perfect world. I have social friends and a brother that don't get it, they never will. I don't waste my breath or concern on them.  The ppl that sincerely love me for me, do get it and are supportive. Those are the kinds of ppl you want in your life.

I agree you should give the bf a chance. It sounds like he'll come through for you.  
Peace, Tuck

[sandee1818]

Hi Worried,
I think you are not giving the people who love you enough credit. I am sure they want to be there for you and support you as they do love you. try being open and honest about your pain with them and let them make the decision instead of you making it for them let them decide. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.
I also posted in the willpower post of mine about some options I believe you may have concerning your pain. Just a thought I had about your situation.
Your family and friends and your boyfriend love you and when you love someone you want to be there to support them so give them the chance:)

[MontanaGurl]

hi worried878 - i really understand where you are coming from, this is one of my big "issues" that i have to deal with.  i am constantly apologizing to my hubby, our children especially our daughter and my mom and siblings.  i keep telling them that i am sorry for what i put them through and i didn't mean for my accident to happen.  but, in a way i feel like it is my fault cause if i hadn't tried to drive the bike than we would not have wrecked.  my hubby's knee is swollen all of the time and now he has a limp from the pain but doesnt take anything for it except excedrin.  i really feel horrible.  i feel like my hubby has been cheated and jipped out of having a normal wife, instead of just living normally, now he has to put up with my ouchies and my medical equipment, and on the days i can't walk, he has to help me physically and when i am not strong enough to even transfer from my hospital bed into my wheelchair, he just carries me.   and our daughter and our boys also, but our daughter is our baby and she is 17 and still at home but, all of our kids have been cheated also because they almost lost their mom and now have to live with that memory for the rest of their lives, they all put on a strong front when they are around me but, i know that they talk amongst themselves and they feel bad and sad when they see me in the shape that i am in.  

so i definately feel guilty and i guess that is my cross to bare and i almost think that, that is my punishment for putting my family through a living HE!! when i got hurt.  but i know where you are coming from.  and you dont want to tell people what is going on cause you dont want them to feel sorry for you and think that you are somehow not normal or damages good and you dont want to put up with the questions that comes with you telling them.

but, one thing that i have also learned is that my hubby does love me and he tells me that he wants to know what is going on me with no matter what, so maybe your boyfriend / spouse could be a form of support for you if you do tell him what is going on - just a thought.

take care
til next time
montanagurl

[Red931]

Just to clear something up, the comment I made with meds was based on my own experience. Worried does not take any medications for her pain anymore. She uses alternative treatments to deal with her pain.

My point was that some of us do isolate ourselves from many social activities because of our conditions as well as the stereotyping over the pain medication.

With understanding Worried's point, it is very difficult to keep up with the activities of someone that does not suffer with pain issues, and even more difficult if you don't want to discuss it with them or if you do and they just don't understand.

[worried878]

thanx...and i dont maean pain and addiction are the same..just that for me..they both are sumpin i feel as if i shouldnt talk about//cos unless someone walks in ur shoes..they dont understand...when i was qquitting the pills..my friend would say..Why dont u just stop? why is it so hard?  she smaokes and i asked her..why do u ciontinue to smoke?  she is also9 a heavy drinker..but pills just r not as acceptable as booze.....wghen i would tell my dad i hurt..he wanted to fix it..or me to fix it..so i had a surgery that only made things worse..it was like he hurt cos i hurt..and i dont wana see him hurt

i think if someone loves me i should be ok..and i think my guy does love me...but like u..i am not going to continually dump my issues on him...i have dealt with my own issues for a long time by myself...and i will continue to do so..I do not know why i am paranoid bout someone knowing i hurt...i know it is stupid

[JHuxlet]

Hi

I don't think pain is like an addiction but I do think it can make being with someone difficult. I agree when you say people don't get being in pain when they have not been themselves, I cant work out if people don't really listen or just ask to be polite it's a tricky one.

In no way should you think of your pain as an imperfection or as not sexy. It's part of who you are and if the person is really special then they will understand and be cool with it.

My last relationship broke down because I used her as my sole out let for my upset, stress and frustration and it got to a point where she could not deal with my stuff and her own as well, in hindsight i can see why.

People always know that there is something wrong with me as i have to use one or two crutches to get about so it's kinda obvious that I have problems. So when I met my current girlfriend she was aware that I had problems and suffered chronic pain before we got together. Even if I did not have crutches I think I would be open with people especially if I thought they would get close to me.

I have been with my current girlfriend for over a year and a half. I guess part of why it works is because I learnt from my mistakes last time. I have a network of family and friends that I use to unload on in order to keep it to a minimum with my partner, so things to get too intense for her.

You should try not to be negative or hard on youself it will just make you feel worse in the long run. IF this guy is a goodun and a keeper he'll understand, if not then he is maybe not the right guy to have in your life, it's important to pick carefully the people you let get close when you are suffering on a daily basis.

From reading this forum and others like it,  plus from Red's comment, it seems like there is quite a problem with people getting the wrong idea if you are on meds, ligitamently for pain. I guess the kinds of meds are abused heavily in the US, but then there seems to be alot of access to drugs via the internet over there so that cant help...

Just my thoughts on what you have said...hoping it helps

Jay

[Red931]

We have dicussed this before so you know where I stand with this issue. It really depends on the people that you are surrounded by in my opinion.

When you are in the condition that some of us are in it is impossible to hide it anyway. As far as why bring it up, it is usually others that ask us how we are feeling to be polite I guess and others are really concerned. To be I honest, I myself, like you, would rather not discuss it because it always leads to the next question: "Do you have to take anything for that?"