Vicodin & Me

[BillboardBandit]

Two years ago, I was prescribed Vicodin for pain related to a diagnosis of Lupus.  Like so many others that write in this forum (which IS very helpful, BTW!), I not only appreciated the fact that it alleviated my physical pain, it came with the bonus of that "warm, fuzzy feeling".  I was prescribed 6 tabs 5 mg/day initially.  Over time, of course, the numbing effect became harder to attain, so I used the chronic pain excuse to gradually (over the course of these two years) to get my doctor to increase the daily dosage to 6 tabs 10mg/day.

To the credit of my doctor, I was properly warned that the drug was (is) addictive, and that if the higher dose was not properly managing the pain (it was), she could not (would not) increase my daily intake.

Directions were to take 2 tabs three times each day.  My typical cycle was to take 8-10 a day for the first few weeks of the month, then try to taper down to last the rest of the month.  Sometimes I could, sometimes I would not.  This was going on for several months.

Then, in January, something happened that changed everything about my life.  My wife (37) of almost 17 years passed away.  She had a heart transplant 13 years ago and the heart finally failed.  I was prescribed Lexipro and Welbutrin for the depression.  Immediately after her death, I lost the able to fall/stay asleep.  Prior, I NEVER had that problem, priding myself on falling asleep on command, and my body was "trained" to wake up at the same time every day.  I now take a couple of Xanax to put me to sleep.  I simply can NOT sleep without assistance.  I can lay in bed sleepless for HOURS and that is impacting my ability to do my job, etc.

This month, now almost eight months after her death, I hit a new high (low) of Vicodin abuse.  I exhausted my month supply (180 tabs) in 11 days.  With that, I had no choice but to endure the same crappy symptoms that many of you describe.

The larger, more negative impact has been overwhelming depression.  I am playing Mr. Mom to two teenage daughers who are dealing with the loss of their Mom.  The stress of it all is too much to handle at times.

I have been doing the mental countdown to when my prescription CAN be filled (now down to six days), and I am struggling with my decision to refill and try to moderate/control my intake, or walk away all together.  Like so many things in life, it seems like the things we crave the most are the things that are the worst for you.

All I know is, I have bottomed out emotionally.  I am not the same outgoing person I was before being diagnosed for Lupus, and of course, the loss of my soulmate.

Other than "counseling" or increasing/modifying the depression drugs, what do you think I should do?  Now, more than ever, the Vicodin DOES dull the pain of a very, very difficult lifestyle adjustment without my wife...and trying to raise kids.  But, I also find myself more irritable and likely to lash out at the kids.  It could be any number of factors (stress, and ALL the drugs I am now taking)

Any feedback would (will) be greatly appreciated!!

Steve

[beanniebaby]

Ps.  It isn't entirely the vicodin causing your mood problems.  It is the xanex, lack of sleep, depression, anxiety, and living in constant pain.  Some of it you will just have to resign yourself to.  Like living in pain.  But love your kids, they are all you have.  Sit down and talk with them.  Explain what you are going through.  You would be amazed at how much they would understand.  God Bless and hope you sleep soon.

[beanniebaby]

I am not an addict but I am dependent on pain medications for multiple physical probelms.  It would take two pages to explain them all so I will skip it for now.  But my doctor explains that there is a difference between an addict and a dependent patient.  An addict chases the "buzz" whereas I chase pain relief.  I take my pills as prescribed and most of the time still have some pain.  But there are days when I will take whatever it takes to get rid of the pain, but then I know another day I will have to go without.  But you definitely need to get off the xanax and ask your doctor for some sleeping pills.  The xanex does indeed cause depression in some people.  Me included.  And another fact I learned doing research on the net.  People who take antidepressents usually will do better on synthetic opoids rather then the natural ones. (i.e. Oxycodone vs hydrocodone)  I used to take a combination of 4 vicodin a day with 2 time released ms-contins.  But more injuries and 6 years of pain management of course this has changed.  I take strictly morphine now.  3 30mg ms-contin a day with 5 15mg instant release ms a day.  I also hae soma's for muscle spasms.  My doctor prescribes resteril for sleeping.  xanex although it will help you get to sleep it will not keep you asleep.  And as you have seen it gives you a severe case of the blahs.  Now for depression my doctor gives me prosac and recently tried me on effexor xl.  the low dose effexor with my prosac really did the trick for my depression and moodiness.  It gets really tough dealing with pain everyday, so my prayers are with you.  A lot of people don't understand.  And yes some can't handle drugs.  My husband takes vicodin for a knee injury.  He has an addictive personality  and when i was taking vicodin it was really hard keeping him out of my bottle.  I'm glad he doesn't like my morphine.  I don't have to hide them.  But t-ray is correct xanex used over time and in large doses can worsen depression.  I personally can't stand the stuff.  I took it when my mother died and it made me a zombie and I pretty much checked out fromt he world.  Although I only took the pills for about a month my deep feelings of lose continued for almost a year.  I would suggest a support group maybe at a local church.  There is one in my area that actually offers psychologists for counsiling (church volunteers)  at no cost and you don't have to be a member.  I pray for you that you will find hope once more in life.  If not for yourself then for your children.  Remember it can always be worse.  Because it can.  There are alot of medications out there, your doctor may need to mix them up for you.  Dont be afraid to talk to him/her.

[t-ray]

i am not a addict, but my husband is and it is tearing our family apart, i can tell you that my husband is not near the man that he once was, its like his soul is empty, emotionless, angry, for us i just wish that me and the kids could have him back, the pills vicodin and xanax for 6 yrs, have taken there toll on him, and they have actually brought on depression, i have done a lot of  research on his addiction, and unless he actually gets off of them completely, in time he will begin to feel better, after you take opiates for a long time,they actually prevent your brain from producing its natural endorphines, and until the opiates are removed, your body has time to get your chemicals,in balance, you probably won't feel right. i am truely sorry for your loss, sounds like you have children who obviously need you, and they need you now more than ever, my suggestion would be walk away while you can, and before its too late. i only wish my husband was thinking about it. the xanax that he takes has just made him more depressed, xanax is a benzo, downer and are okay to treat anxiety, but they will bring you further down. my suggestion would be hold your children tightly, love them and be absolutely the best man that you can be, the pain that the vicodin is dulling will still be there until you face it without clouding it. well i will pray for you and your children in time you will make the right decision for yourself.