any advice for someone dealing with chronic pain of a loved one??
My husband and I were in a bad head on collison in 2000. I did have some pretty serious injurys, but nothing compared to his.
His hip and pelvis were shaterd, his left foot degloved amoung many other critial injurys. Now his pain is so bad!!! He has severe arthritis, buldging discs in his back....due to his gate and terrible spasms in his back where he gets stuck hunched over.....the list goes on and on!!!
My problem is I feel so helpless!! I have to see him in this pain every day!! He is on strong pain meds, but nothing makes it all better. I am having a hard time coping with his pain. It hurts so much to see my best freind be in so much pain. What can I do? I feel like running away sometimes, although I would never do that...I just need to find some new ways to cope with this. His pain gets worse all the time and I just feel so helpless.
So please if anyone can give me some advice...anything!!! I would be so greatfull.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post...I truly appreicate it.
What can I tell you but to keep giving him your love and support and tell him that you understand his pain. It is so important to make sure that you let him know that you will always be there for him, that he is not alone in his battle with pain. That makes a world of difference to him. I also have pain and more than anything I wish my Husband would fully understand what I go thru day after day but he doesn't. He says he does but then there are the comments like "What are you going to do today? Why don't you take the dog to the lake or maybe you should do some volunteer work somewhere". You see, it makes me feel bad because he doesn't understand that I can't. Most days I can't even get the water into the coffee pot. So your deep understanding of his pain is very important. I wish you all the best in your journey. Please take care. Mollyrae
i agree with Mollrae...I have severe chronic pain, and I believe the most important thing you can do is to just be there-letting your husband know you'll always be there for him. I sometimes wonder ( even though I have a great marriage and family) if they will always be there. This isn't a temporary thing, like the flu or a broken bone. It's a lifetime...whether they are up for this....I know they are, sometimes we feel insecure.
I would make sure you take care of yourself, you can't be there for him if you aren't taking care of yourself. Physically, mentally ,emotionally. Remember to laugh...watch a stupid movie... go outside and jumprope, Counseling might help, If you need to get away for awhile, do it...a day trip or so, depending on your husbands ability to be on his own, can do wonders... do you attend church? sometimes church family can help out...let us know how you make out...we care Tresa
I too have a very tramatic MVA. I am not suppose to be here. Sometimes I think this pain is harder on those that love us than it is on us. I have a wonderfully supportive husband that never says, "what did you do today." He actually does too much but I know in his heart that he longs for the old days when we boated and danced and took weekend trips. But of all the support he gives me the best is when he touches me, NOT sexually, just touches me. Sometimes he'll message my hip or back or buttocks (I have severe siactic pain) just out of the blue. Or he'll sit next to me and hold my hand and never say a word....or he'll bring me some juice or ice cream without me asking. Those are the things that matter to me. All of a sudden he'll look at me and say, "God, you're as beautiful as the first day I saw you." And eh says things like "We're in this together." But Tresa is so RIGHT. You need to take care of yourself too, first and formost. Get out, go to a movie, visit friends, make time for yourself and never forget to laugh. You must stay healthy and strong for your husband and the only way to so that is to take time for yourself. My husband will go to a movie, or stop to play the slots for a half, or take the boat out (we live on a lake). He does get away from my pain, he has to and I expect him to. I'm sure your husband can feel your love and that's the most important thing you can give him. Bless you,, please keep in touch and take care of yourself. Tuck
I think your husband is very lucky to have you. So many times our loved ones do not understand he is very fortunate to have someone who understands he is in pain and that in itself means a lot believe it or not. Just knowing that you sympathize and understand means a great deal, you have to offer your support any way you can. I can't tell you anything you don't already know except that your understanding and support is very important. I think a pain psychologist may help too.
Has he had a medication adjustment lately? You should definitely let the Dr know what he is going thru! There maybe other things the Dr can do for him but he has to have the whole picture let him know how excurcating the pain is and how his quality if life has been dramatically reduced. Sometimes we just expect the Dr to know these things and thats not always the case. I wish you both the best of luck, Keep us posted and know we are here for the both of you.
Thank you all so so so much. It really means alot to get advice from people who understand my situation first hand.
Thank you sandee..I had no clue that a pain psycologist even existed..that would be helpful for us both...he tells me every day how can you put up with me..I smile and ask him the same thing!!
Thank you Tuckamore, For understanding that the pain is hard on the ones who love you,and it is. Of course they are always worth it..but sometimes we just don't know what to do or how to act. I try not to let him know that it affects me too...because then he feels bad and more upset than me...I do give him massages and constantly remind him that I am here till the end. And I am happy to know how good your husband is to you!!
Thank you Mollyrae...I wish so much your husband was more understanding! You seem like a very caring, loving, wonderful women. I and I will make extra effort to let him know at all times that I love him and will tell myself every day to make sure my words are always kind and supportive.
And thank you tresa....I do need to remember to laugh and be silly and make sure my well-being is a priorty, so that I can remain fresh and renewed. I focus so much on feeling like there's nothing I can do to help him that i get myself all clogged up with negitive goo, I have forgotten about myself...something I won't be doing again any time soon. If I feel better then maybe he will too. It would make him happy to see me go and have fun...I just wish he could come have fun with me...he is my best friend ...we have been together for 12 years and I love him more and more everyday..and I am sure your family feels the same way..but I do know he feels like you..he can't understand how I can stay with him through all of this It breaks my heart to know he would entertain such ideas..but you have made me understand why...so thank you so much!!
I hope you all have a wonderfull pain- free day!! You deserve it after all the helpful advice you have given me!!! I hope to read your posts soon. I wish you all the best wishes ever!!!
T H A N K S S O M U C H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We wish you and your husband all the best in your journey, please update us on how you guys are doing. Your kind words meant so much to me,my day started out not so well...but your words help...Thanks so much....
You and your husband both should at least try seeing a pain psychologist. I was terribly skeptical when my pain doc asked me to see one, but ended up being very pleasantly surprised. The key word in pain management is "management", as in "coping". Nobody with chronic pain is going to be pain free. The trick is learning to deal with the pain that the meds can't touch.
As you've already learned, pain intrudes into every part of life, and some of those places are pretty surprising. It will not be denied. A pain shrink can help teach your husband some mental exercises to better cope with the pain. He or she can also help both of you redefine your lives together and focus on the good things rather than all that pain. I've been very lucky to find a therapist I clicked with on the first visit. She's done me more concrete good than all the meds I shove down my throat. My old life is over and done and I refuse to sit in mourning for it. My new life isn't as easy, but in many ways I find more joy in it that before the pain disabled me. Give therapy a whirl. Can't hurt, might help. :-)
Your best friend may not be able to enjoy the things the two of oyou use to do together but I am sure he wants you to still enjoy life. My pain is worse when I know it interfers with my husbands life (my best friend of 32 years). Just because "I can't" doesn't mean I don't want him to do those things.
My sis is here from KY so I don't have a lot of time today but I wanted to know that I am thinking of you.
I have Lymes disease (20 years) my wife does not support......I do go over board with the Pain Pills sometimes....Run out early and spen money......One of the best things you can do is talk him into holding back like evry other day or something....Because the Pills will get out of control......And it is not his fault....It's just the way it is....Every one I have ever talked to who has cronic pain says " The pills are the biggest problem "....
Hang in there.....and if you figure it out let me know b/c i'm in the same boat...
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