9 yr oldson having bowel movements in his underwear

[Lisallvzry]

What can I do to make my son stop having bowel movement in his underwear and then lying about it? I don't understand why he's doing this. He lies about. A year ago we found out he was wiping his hands off on the walls, I flipped the heck out. he stopped doing that and was getting better until recently the last month he's been once again pooping in his underwear. He says he doesn't know what's happening and that it happened so quick. Last night I went into his room and sound some on the floor, and he denied it. I'm made pick it up and take it and flush it. Then  I looked at his hands and he had it's all over his hands! I was furious and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid his friends and the school will start finding out if he keeps doing this. What can be done? What is the proper punishment?  I'm at my wits end! Help?

[Garzilla]

You have already had some great advice. One thing that might help would be to place yourself in his shoes, at his age and at the typical emotional coping ability of a 9 year old. Remember he is a child, barely no longer a toddler from a developmental perspective. Much of his behavior could well be fear based, and even if it isnt, may not seem rational to you.

MarkLakewood3367 suggests not resorting to discipline until the "pediatrician rules out medical or emotional issues." I actually disagree, and this is why. If you look at this objectively there are ONLY 2 explanations, either he has a physical problem or an emotional issue. Even if it is a control or behavioral issue, it is still an emotional issue. Many children will use the things they have the most control over, there bodies, when issues or conflicts of control occur.

If it turns out to be a matter of defiance, control, or similar issue I would seriously consider placing the ball in his court and removing the negative energy from the entire topic. I would set ground rules, like if he has an accident he cleans it up and that it must be cleaned up. But I would also not yell, scream, spank, punish, etc. His body, he needs to learn to deal with it. Eventually social pressures will help him to make better decisions.

Regardless of the cause I would carefully review the situation in the home. Family dynamics, parenting styles, conflict, abuse, etc can all contribute to this sort of issue. Even if the issue is physical there can be a secondary emotional toll on all of the household members. Never forget that the focus should always be on love, nurture, safety and care. Anger has no place.

[candh1]

My 6 year old was having accidents and we discovered that she was severely constipated and that the accidents were actually an overflow and she couldn't control it or help it, she had some laxatives and it all stopped.

[Lisallvzry]

You are right. I am going to make an appointment today. Ty

[MarkLakewood3367]

For now, try not to get your anger in the way.  If this in fact a medical or an emotional issue as I suspect, you are going to feel mighty guilty.  If the pediatrician rules out medical or emotional issues, then discipline is the answer.  But I wouldn't go there until he is evaluated.  Unless he is being extremely defiant and oppositional, you need to ask yourself how many 9 year olds would willingly engage in this behavior.

[Lisallvzry]

Ty for your response.  I agree with you 100%. I just feel like it's sooo disrespectful, and I'm still a little angry about the wall situation last year. I guess I'm scared that this will continue, as well as his disrespectful behavior about the whole problem.  He knows being upfront and honest will get him further than being sneaky.

[MarkLakewood3367]

Punishment and getting furious isn't the answer.  It sounds as if your son may have a medical or an emotional problem that is triggering this behavior.  I'm sure that your son is lying about the behavior because he is embarrassed.  He very well may have no control over his bowel movements.   Punishment and anger will only deepen the embarrassment and humiliation.  Get him evaluated by his pediatrician ASAP.