10 and 12 year old sons sleeping with there dad

[Cancun110]

I am a divorced mom of two boys ages 11 and 7, we have moved in with a man that I have been seeing for 4 years.  He to is divorced with 4 children 18, 17, 12, 10 the children have two different mothers the 18 and 17 year old are from his first marriage and the 12 and 10 year old are from his 2nd marriage.  We get the 12 and 10 year old boys everyday but two and are trying to get them full time.  The question at hand is when they are over they sleep with there dad and I don't feel it is right for me to be in the bed with them so I go to another room; this also causes issues with my 7 year old son who now thinks he needs to sleep with me, is this normal, is it harmful to the kids or is it alright to let this happen?

[shay75]

Hey there! I JUST asked an expert this question - I will pass along the gist. They are too old to be sleeping with him and should be able to self sooth and put themselves to bed. It is not good for their independence and development.
In addition, (these are my own thoughts - My BF has twin 8 yr old boys that sleep with him when I'm not there, we've been dating for a year and a half and I will be moving in in 2 mos... The idea of giving up sleeping with his sons was a sticking point we had to overcome to get to that next step) The message he is sending to you and his children is that you are a second class citizen. You ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT be in bed with pre-teen boys that aren't your own (or that are in my opinion) I think their mother would have a SERIOUS problem with that. I think having you go into another room (or letting you) is very crappy. If he wants that special snuggle time BEFORE sleep, he should go in to THEIR beds to talk, and hangout before bed. This is the compromise my BF and I came to. If he feels the need to "wean" them (which the expert says is NOT necessary at their age) he will have to do it in their rooms.
I DO fully understand his need to be close to his sons - espescially after a divorce, because he doesn't see them as much. (my bf goes every other week without the twins and it breaks his heart) The expert said it would be harder for him than them - and she was right.
Well Good Luck! Let me know how it turns out... I think you have every right to demand a change in the form of compromise...!

[lbenites]

I'm with you. I think your live-in should take into consideration how uncomfortable you are with the boys being in the bed and with good reason.  Not to mention that the 12 year old should be going through puberty soon if not already.  Tell your live-in how you feel and that you would never want anyone to get the wrong idea about the situation whether it be from the boys or some other person. It could get you tangled up in a web where it puts your own child in jeopardy. THINK. There are lots of other ways of bonding with their dad like playing baseball, going to the park, or some other interests, but the bed is not the place. Best of luck to you.

[AlfTheAli3n]

Yes, I think it's very normal.  My 10 year old Son only stays with me [Dad] at weekends and holidays, so more often than not, he sleeps in my bed, albeit he lets me have one tiny section of the bed, and the rest is his.  Their is no real reason that I can remember of.  If he does stay on School nights, or has friends staying over, he sleeps in his own bed, or some make-shift bed.  I don't think this is harmful in any way.  I am an adult, and when I was a Child, I slept in my Dads bed, mainly as I was afraid of the dark, and my Mum worked night-shift... the only harm from that was my Dads snoring, but years later, after he died, I found it hard to go to sleep without hearing snoring.

Unless you know of any personal issues, I wouldn't see any harm.