Aa
12-Year Old Daughter Growing Up
My 12 year old daughter and I have always been very close...or so I thought (I am her father). Recently I found that she had created a myspace account against my wishes and was chatting with 17 and 19 year old boys pretending to be 18. In her discussion's she used language that I have never used around her (I stopped cussing when she was born) and was having very sexual discussions with these guys. I love my daughter very much but I don't know how to relate to her now. This is so different then the person that I thought she was. I am trying but am very hurt that she would do that and do it behind my back like she did. I don't feel that I know the girl she is now and I know I need to figure out how to relate to her before I push her further away. Please help.
I have always talked with my daughter and have come to the conclusion already that this is probably just her growing up (hence the title of the original post). But it is harder then I ever imagined. I have let her know that it is inappropriate and why and I have let her know my fears about those types of activities (especially the myspace acct). I don't see a compromise happening on the myspace due to the way that she used it, however, in the future when I feel I can trust her again, it is a possibility.
I wouldn't say that I nag her about it, I simply don't know what to say to her at all so if anything, it appears that I have stopped talking to her. I have never been in that position with her, I have always wanted to talk with her and hear her tell me about what is going on in her life. I made sure to let her know that I was not intentionally giving her a "silent treatment" but that I simply didn't know what to say. If she asks me a question, I answer with little problem. However, her and I use to spend hours talking about all kinds of things and now I wouldn't even know how to start a conversation with her let alone maintain a conversation for hours. Her and I are both feeling the strain on our relationship that this is taking although I don't think she realized how much she hurt me until yesterday when I made sure to take the time to talk with her and let her know how I was feeling and why. We both cried. I miss the girl she use to be and I am a little scared to get to know the girl she has become. My question is literally how do I get past this? How do I get back to building a relationship with my daughter in the aftermath of this deceit? This is killing her and I not to have our normal communication and talks, but I don't know what to say anymore...I don't know how to relate to her. Like I said previously I believe, I feel like I have lost my best friend. My daughter is the most important person in my life and now I don't know how to talk to her. It's tearing me up and it is hurting her as well I am sure. How do I make myself trust her again? I am actually a very logical person which prevents me from being able to ignore facts or act like nothing happened, so how do I proceed? What do I do next? She tried to relate with me by stating that she was sure I had some major lie in my childhood, but I didn't, nor did my siblings. I have no frame of reference for this type of behavior in my personal history or in the history of my siblings. I honestly have never been in her place to know how much of what she says may be true or not so logically I have to look at everything as a lie until facts say otherwise. Understand that in the myspace account, her discussions violated every basic concept her and I have discussed that I thought she agreed with. If she lied about agreeing with the basic concepts, then how can the others built upon those basics be anymore believed? This would mean that we do not agree on any concepts and therefore have virtually nothing in common. So how do I proceed with that knowledge to rebuild a relationship with her?
heh, maybe it is kind of sad that I have gone to asking strangers what to do here, but she is worth it to me. I know many fathers would just chalk it up to something and not even worry about it, but her mother is not in the picture and her and I were always very close (in my perception anyhow). I probably sound pretty whiny but I really want her and I to be close again and I really don't know how to handle this deception from someone I felt so close to.
I wouldn't say that I nag her about it, I simply don't know what to say to her at all so if anything, it appears that I have stopped talking to her. I have never been in that position with her, I have always wanted to talk with her and hear her tell me about what is going on in her life. I made sure to let her know that I was not intentionally giving her a "silent treatment" but that I simply didn't know what to say. If she asks me a question, I answer with little problem. However, her and I use to spend hours talking about all kinds of things and now I wouldn't even know how to start a conversation with her let alone maintain a conversation for hours. Her and I are both feeling the strain on our relationship that this is taking although I don't think she realized how much she hurt me until yesterday when I made sure to take the time to talk with her and let her know how I was feeling and why. We both cried. I miss the girl she use to be and I am a little scared to get to know the girl she has become. My question is literally how do I get past this? How do I get back to building a relationship with my daughter in the aftermath of this deceit? This is killing her and I not to have our normal communication and talks, but I don't know what to say anymore...I don't know how to relate to her. Like I said previously I believe, I feel like I have lost my best friend. My daughter is the most important person in my life and now I don't know how to talk to her. It's tearing me up and it is hurting her as well I am sure. How do I make myself trust her again? I am actually a very logical person which prevents me from being able to ignore facts or act like nothing happened, so how do I proceed? What do I do next? She tried to relate with me by stating that she was sure I had some major lie in my childhood, but I didn't, nor did my siblings. I have no frame of reference for this type of behavior in my personal history or in the history of my siblings. I honestly have never been in her place to know how much of what she says may be true or not so logically I have to look at everything as a lie until facts say otherwise. Understand that in the myspace account, her discussions violated every basic concept her and I have discussed that I thought she agreed with. If she lied about agreeing with the basic concepts, then how can the others built upon those basics be anymore believed? This would mean that we do not agree on any concepts and therefore have virtually nothing in common. So how do I proceed with that knowledge to rebuild a relationship with her?
heh, maybe it is kind of sad that I have gone to asking strangers what to do here, but she is worth it to me. I know many fathers would just chalk it up to something and not even worry about it, but her mother is not in the picture and her and I were always very close (in my perception anyhow). I probably sound pretty whiny but I really want her and I to be close again and I really don't know how to handle this deception from someone I felt so close to.
she will not alienate you if you "NAG" her... you are her father and you need to re-build your trust with her, let her know that this behaviour is not acceptable, and WHY it is not acceptable. Tell her your fears etc. Be true to her, and hopefully, she will be true to you. Perhaps you can compromise about the myspace acct. ???
Isnt it hard losing our little girls,but you are not losing her she is at that emotional hormone stage whatever terms we adults put on it, its inevitable she will grow up, keep talking to her it is wonderful you care she wil;l always have that , some of us did not have a Dad around,you simply have to start to let go, she will love you more, tell her the inappropteness of her behavior and let it go.If you Nag you will alienate her.
Mine is more of trying to get over the feeling of betrayel that I am feeling and trying to figure out how to relate to her. In order to relate to her, I need to be able to trust her but how do I trust her when I find that she has been lying to me so strongly? I love my daughter, but I am no longer sure of who she is anymore. She isn't the sweet innocent girl that I thought she was but is instead a girl who is having all these sexual thoughts and who is willing (at least online) to use language that I would never use and that she has never heard me use.
As far as her trying to "be cool", she wasn't chatting with anyone that she knows in real life, only strangers (which scares the tar out of me). I did use a key-logger to find her myspace password which I quickly changed and canceled the account. She has also been grounded from the computer and a password placed on the computer so that she cannot access it when we are not around. She was always told not to go into chat rooms, and she said she wasn't, but that was another lie.
The behavior in and of itself I am able to deal with, what has me at a loss is how do I relate to her now? Everytime she laughs at something on T.V. now I find myself wondering if she really thinks it is funny or is she just laughing because she knows that is what I would expect. I have lost all trust in her and I don't know what to do about that. In my day to day life, I don't talk or associate with people that I don't trust, but I can't do that with her, I need to be a part of her life. I had a long talk with her today and explained that while we will again have a good relationship, that it will never be the same as it was and that it was okay for it to be different because she is growing up and is a different person then the little kid that I had learned to relate with before. It caused her to cry. I explained to her how it made me feel that she would lie to me like that and that right or wrong, all feelings are valid. She doesn't understand where I am coming from and I don't know how to help her understand.
Sorry, starting to ramble again. It just feels like I have lost my best friend and I don't know how to proceed in the way that will be best for her.
As far as her trying to "be cool", she wasn't chatting with anyone that she knows in real life, only strangers (which scares the tar out of me). I did use a key-logger to find her myspace password which I quickly changed and canceled the account. She has also been grounded from the computer and a password placed on the computer so that she cannot access it when we are not around. She was always told not to go into chat rooms, and she said she wasn't, but that was another lie.
The behavior in and of itself I am able to deal with, what has me at a loss is how do I relate to her now? Everytime she laughs at something on T.V. now I find myself wondering if she really thinks it is funny or is she just laughing because she knows that is what I would expect. I have lost all trust in her and I don't know what to do about that. In my day to day life, I don't talk or associate with people that I don't trust, but I can't do that with her, I need to be a part of her life. I had a long talk with her today and explained that while we will again have a good relationship, that it will never be the same as it was and that it was okay for it to be different because she is growing up and is a different person then the little kid that I had learned to relate with before. It caused her to cry. I explained to her how it made me feel that she would lie to me like that and that right or wrong, all feelings are valid. She doesn't understand where I am coming from and I don't know how to help her understand.
Sorry, starting to ramble again. It just feels like I have lost my best friend and I don't know how to proceed in the way that will be best for her.
Are you sure you're not talking about my granddaughter? I know how you feel and I, too, am struggling on how to reach out to her. But I know she still needs me and I do tell her often how much I love her. I am planning on taking her out to the theatre (not movies but live theatre) and have taken her on shopping trips and other "adult" things but I am aware that her friends/peers are far more "fun'. By the way, I expect she is just trying to "be cool" - at least that is how my grandson sees the situation. Nonetheless, this on-line chat-thing must be curtailed. And, I continue to try to "model" appropriate behaviour because when it is all said and done, "each is her own person". Even though we try to protect them from all danger and mishaps and burdens and sorrows, this will not be. By the way, our grandchildren have several "adult protectors" to help because I believe "it does take a village to raise a child". I feel for and with you ....
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Parenting Community
Fearing autism, many parents aren't vaccinating their kids. Can doctors reverse this dangerous trend?
Learn which over-the-counter medicines are safe for you and your baby
Yummy eats that will keep your child healthy and happy
6 essential foods for new moms (and their newborns!)
What to expect in your growing baby
Learn which foods aren't safe to eat when you're eating for two.
