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8 year old boy sleeping in bed with mom
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8 year old boy sleeping in bed with mom

Is it okay for an 8 year old boy to still be sleeping in bed with his mom?  My boyfriend's son is still sleeping in bed with his mom.  His mom doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with it.  My boyfriends son ask him if i could sleep in bed with my son and if he and his dad could sleep in the same bed.  Is it against the law?  It almost seems like a form of abuse to me.  I bet money if it was a little girl sleeping in bed with her dad someone would call someone!  
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535822_tn?1389452880
It isnt wrong for a Mom and her son to sleep in the same bed, in Europe it is very common, and in some countries families have a large bed and they all sleep in it together. You are interpreting  that there is something sexual , perhaps in this world those things do happen but most times when parents share their bed with their children it has nothing to do with sex but more to do with Love and comfort and maybe convenience .Probably most children out grow this anyway and once puberty is reached  or earlier they naturally want their own room and privacy.
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Avatar_f_tn
my children are 9 and 7
when my husband is away on bussiness, both my kids sleep with me
why are you so worried about the way your boyfriends x parents?
its really none of your concern
unless you are afraid he is in danger
how in the heck can someone consider what you have explained as abuse
let me guess...you hare not a parent!
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi Hun,

My 7 year-old son still sleeps with my husband and I, he does so because he is scared to sleep alone. I'm sure your bf's ex lets her son sleep with him out of comfort for him because he probably doesn't want to sleep alone, from what you explained he wants to sleep with his father as well. I think you might be misconstruing the situation as something inappropriate when it probably is completely innocent.
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603946_tn?1333945439
It's not illegal. Most of us when single parents have done it for awhile.
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Avatar_n_tn
I don't believe it is abusive, but I don't think it's right. I don't think I child should be sleeping with their parents until they are 8 years old, it's ridiculous.  I see nothing wrong with an occasional stay in the parents bedroom, but every night is excessive.  I have 2 daughter my  1 year old who sleeps in her own room and my 6 year old step daughter, I love both very much. My 6 year old asks to sleep with us whenever she comes to stay with us. We sit her down and assure her that she is safe in her room and we are right next door just in case and explain that she is a big girl and needs to learn to sleep in her own bed.  When it's bedtime we take her to bed, tuck her in, tell her we love her, and seal it with a kiss.  She is fine all weekend and sleeps wonderfully in her own room and bed.

The problem is that her mother allows her to sleep every night in bed with her along with her 2 year old brother. She has her own room and her own bed, but she still sleeps with her mom. Her step father even gets booted to the floor so the 2 kids can sleep with mom.  She has now developed detachment anxiety, doing this is mentally damaging to a child. Every time she leaves her mother she cries and gets scared.  After a lot of work with her, she now still cries, but not even 5 minutes later after leaving her mother she now plays and has a grand time never even mentioning her mother all weekend.  

Whether anyone on here wants to admit it or not, it is damaging to a child.
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535822_tn?1389452880
I agree it may be preferable but it certainly is not abuse as roxy suggested, it is choices and what parents are comfortable doing ,a lot of the World dont have seperate rooms and have to share,it works for some families.
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Avatar_f_tn
My wife lay's down with my stepson who is 12. Every night that he is here with us. til he falls asleep. they call it snuggling time.
I personally think its weird. but, the majority of people say its fine.
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535822_tn?1389452880
I do agree on a point you made that the step Dad gets booted out onto the floor(your terms) not a good idea and also if the chilldren are showing anxiety it needs to be addressed, this is differant from the post Roxy posted, So it sounds as if you got a handle on it and the child is doing well.  Roxy was inferring it was abusive, however I do think that when a child is older he or she is better off in their own bed in their own room,giving them some independance and also improving the parents privacy and sleeping.
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Avatar_f_tn
I have 2 boys ages 7 and 9. On the weekends (when they don't have friends over) they take turns sleeping w/me and I love it. We are so busy all of the time that those precious moments between going to bed and sleep are filled with wonderful conversation.My husband doesn't get it but to me I cherish that 1 on 1 time with all my heart. Don't judge the mother too harshly.
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535822_tn?1389452880
When I was a child in Europe, even when we went to visit relatives all the girls piled into one bed to sleep, no one thought any thing was bad, and also they have the Family bed in Italy and all the family sleep together, I cant imagine most of Italy to be perverted ,it seems to me to be a matter of choice and comfort( I still wouldnt boot" the step Dad onto the floor".
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I suggest you read any book by Dr. Sears(Pediatrician) and his Wife(Nurse) And you will find it is called Co-sleeping and is in no way or form Damaging to a child!! Why anyone considers it normal for a newborn baby to be taken from its mothers warm womb listening to her heartbeat for 9 months to be placed in a Cold crib is beyond Me. We share a family bed we have 2 daughters ages 8 and 3. Our 8 year old sleeps in her own bed but still have nights where she is afraid and seeks the security of my husband and myself to hold her and tell her she is safe. How is that Damaging?? Perhaps what is most difficult is the child dealing with the separation of his parents.When the child comes to visit and is told its wrong to sleep in the same bed as his daddy, isn't that a form of seperation anxiety?? Is it more damaging for that child to curl up and sleep with his father than crying in a strange bedroom alone?? If it was a little girl sleeping with her Dad why would that be wrong??? Is it wrong for a little girl to be hugged or kissed or sit on her daddy's knee??? 8 years old is still a child we are not talking about 13 or 15 year old adolescents here. Why must people make so many things that are completley innocent into something "Damaging, or Dirty or Wrong" I suggest you pick up a book by Dr Sears or any other doctor from the 21st Century before you jump to conclusions
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That was a good post Tayzoe and true this is what I have found with families,it is a matter of their choice and comfort, I will look up Dr Sears book so I may refer it to other parents concerned if they are doing the right thing..Thank you
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Avatar_n_tn
As a boy I slept with my mom until I was 14 years old.  My parents divorced when I was 7 and my dad moved away when I was 9.  I strongly recommend not allowing a boy to sleep with his mom, even after a divorce.  There was nothing inapproporiate going on other than it slowed my development and made me feel ashamed.  It's not about whether the parent likes it or not, its about the well-being of the child and his sense of stability and security.  
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Thank you dad for another aspect of the issue ,I would say 14 is longer than would be comfortable as you had entered puberty, most times the co sleeping finishes around 11-12 years old naturally as children want their own space and privacy ., you are correct when you say its about the well being of the child, did you express your feelings to your Mom ?
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637356_tn?1301928422
My kids are 8, 6, and 3 and they all sleep with me from time to time. My husband has been "booted" out of bed because of kids wanting to sleep with me. He laughs tells them okay and moves to the couch. I dont see anything wrong with it. If they had a bad dream or woke up and are scared of something I don't mind giving them that extra comfort. Also it won't be long before they won't be doing it any more and I know I will miss cuddling up with them at night.
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635583_tn?1222782896
Just got back from my Grandsons doctor.   While there, my daughter asked the question posted here, His replay was that the cuttoff age for sleeping with the mother or parents is about 6 years old.

The child should be put into his/her own bed.  IF THEY FUSS, a parent should setup a sleeping blanket or a cott next to the childs bed, to assure them that they are safe and when they fall asleep, the parents should go back to their own room.  He stated that, this usually will go on for only a week or two.  By then the child should feel safe sleeping in their own room.  Once in a while you may have to repeat this only if the child is scared or having bad dreams.

So there you are girls.   Time to break that apron string and let you child grow up
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535822_tn?1389452880
Well that is one Doctors opinion, I have known three Doctors personally in my life here two of them co slept with their children in a King size bed (not both families in one bed  LOL) till the children got to 13 and wanted their own privacy.
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Avatar_f_tn
I was a little girl who slept with my dad and although I don't like the comment about how people would report it, it's probably true because of the double standard.  My father was a wonderful human being who took on the responsibility of raising his only daughter himself.  There were many nights that I was honored to have his company.  I'm glad he was his own man and allowed it because into adulthood I carry some wonderful lessons from the things we discussed while he told me stories, asked me about my thoughts, my feelings, and was actually, a parent above and beyond asking me how school was at the dinner table.
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Avatar_f_tn
I think its not a problem to sleep with your child.
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I know this thread is for kids --- but I what about a 35 year old man who goes on vacations with his mother and they share the same bed. My boyfriend told me it was because the room only had a king. But he and his mom have done this before. I know there is nothing sexual going on. But I am right to think this is not acceptable?
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Avatar_n_tn
My 9 year old grandson and my daughter live with me. Two years ago my daughter was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder...She manages to work...but her mood swings are terrible! Miy grandson was diagnosed with OCD and recently with Assenvberger's Syndrome...My daughter was molested by her father, who is now dead, when she was about 9...The problem is she sleeps with him almost everynight..She claims her bed is too messy, but doesn't really make an effort to clean it. I've told her to tuck her son into bed, and when she falls asleep, to go into her own bed, which she does rarely. I'll tell you I'm worried what might be happening in his bedroom...being that she was molested and is highly sexualy herself, I worry that she might be doing things with him, either before or when he's gone to sleep! He's very attached to her and visa versa...she's always kissing him or he gets on top of her and starts kissing her...I'm terribly worried and I've thought of getting a tiny camcorder and record them...My daughter's behavior is unpredictable and you never know when or for what reason she can become verbally abusive...One night she took her son into his bedroom and antagonized and berated him for one hour(believe me I counted for asking his Mom if he coud stay up a little longer,,,that's it! Her actions and emotions are so erradic that I worry for him sexually and emotionally. Naturally he loves her, but he doesn't understand the ramification of her actions..I want to put a hidden camcorder in his room,,,but it's against the law in my state....but I'm almost beside myself with worry for my grandson. If I say anything about her behavior toward him...she starts yelling so loud that it scares him. If I say the least little bit negative thing toward her, she takes it out on HIM and me. I'd think about kicking her out, but I know I'd be puttting him in harms way both   verbally, impatience helping him with his homework and G-d knows what else!
I'm so worried for him,,,with his problems, what will happen to him in the future...what terrible things she will say to destroy what little self esteem he has.
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535822_tn?1389452880
As you said you know there is nothing sexual going on how does it affect you.... why would you think that someone else choosing  to  sleep with their Mom, hurts you in any way, years ago people slept together it is a modern attitude that makes out it is wrong. What about the many countries cant afford to sleep seperatly?best to saty out of his business if it offends you. PS.. this is an old thread dragged up.
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Avatar_n_tn
I don't think there is anything wrong with sleeping with your children.  My son is six and he still sleeps with me.  He has his own bedroom, so it's not out of necessity.  There are several reasons he sleeps with me:  I am a single mom, so we both like having the other to cuddle with and talk to before bed.  With football practice and homework, and school, and dinner and baths, there seems to be very few moments of the day where we are simply doing "nothing" and can just enjoy eachother's company like we do when we're laying in the bed before we fall asleep.  In addition, he is actually AFRAID.  I can't feel good about putting him in a bedroom, KNOWING he is downright scared.  What is the harm in letting him sleep by my side.  He also has terrible nightmares.  I too have nightmares and have had them terribly since I was a small child.  I was afraid to sleep and be in my room.  My parents did not allow  me in their bed and so many times, to me, as a young child it literally seemed like torture to just lay there and be scared to death.  There will come a time when our children wont even want to be in the same room as we are.  Enjoy it while you can.  Unless you have something personal to gain from them not sleeping with you, such as getting more sleep, or their desire for not wanting to sleep alone is NOT from fear, then what's the harm?
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Avatar_m_tn
It is all a matter of opinion...all doctors say something different and parents say something different as well. Don't forget all kids are different too!! I sleep with my 6 year old daughter and she is extremely smart and VERY independent!! I don't believe that it has done her any harm at all.  For those that say it's harmful...says who? Where are those facts? studies? proof? Do we just believe something because one doctor or one news article says so??? Ask questions people, don't be sheep. Human kind has done this for years!!
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Avatar_m_tn
I am a single mom but havn't always been and my son has always wanted to sleep with me so it is not insecurity he is a huge cuddler!! I don't force him to sleep with me. I see on here a man said he was ashamed to sleep with his mom well sounds to me maybe he didn't have a choice in the matter then. My son can sleep in his own room any time he wants too but doesn't seem to be ashamed he doesn't care if his friends know. He does go to his friends and has sleep overs and sleeps without me. I think if more people looked at what their child NEEDED and less at what the world and other people THINK our children would be better off!!! We do a lot of talking at this time also about everything cause he tries to keep himself awake lol and as a single mom my son needs to know he can talk to me about ANYTHING and back in the "old" days kids slept with their parents and it seems to me people had more respect for people back then maybe cause they respected their kids in all aspects and was there for their kids.....they grow up so fast why push if their not ready....I do think graduation is way too old. every chil is different my daughter NEVER wanted to sleep with me or her dad still to this day not a cuddler
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Avatar_f_tn
It's normal for a child to sleep with their mother or their father.  Polynesians have always done it like this for years.  I love it when my son who is 12 jumps into bed with me.  When I was a single mum he slept in my bed most of the time.  My nephews and nieces who are older sleeps with their parents every now and again.  There is nothing wrong with it.  When my son was born I refused to buy a cot for him to sleep in.  I had my son in bed with me so I could hear him breathing and know that he was fine.  
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Avatar_n_tn
It's normal. And probably more common than you think. Looks as though you have a child too, yet you fail to mention his age. Is he a part of your life? Are you really that insensitive? Your boyfriend should make this child feel secure. Not all the time, but you should try this occasionally. Maybe you could all have a sleep  over in one room? Fun and family security for the kids.
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm gonna have to say I think it's wrong. Not like ewww wrong, like the child is gonna start deeloping and needing to sleep on their own.

For a girl they are going to noticeably develop and physically, I don't now how a parent can be comformtable sleeping with girls
over 11

For boys they may just have erections at strange
times during puberty, which can also be strange for either of you. If you let your child sleep with you until they are about 8 or above getting them to sleep on their own will be difficult. Especially when they go on overnight trips, or stay at a friends

This is also a problem when you have a partner, I  have a friend who's dad stays in his room because his younger brothers, 7 and 9 stay with the mother. The 9 year old can't even sleep in a room with me, his brother and his younger brother
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Avatar_m_tn
My 6 yr old son stills sleeps with his father, when he's at his house.  As well he sleeps with me and my husband.  We believe very strongly in the family bed, both his father and I do.  My ex-husband slept with his 2 older girls until they were 11 and ready to sleep alone.  It's only when you have the sicken feeling, or knowledge, that something sexual is going on.  At which time regardless of who's do it, the police need to be called.  
You need to understand that the family bed represents love, comfort, and protection to a child.  And sometimes regardless of the age of the child, trying to force them out of your bed is harder on them on the child mentally as they don't understand what's going on.  As long as the family bed is being used for the proper reasons, there's no reason to abandon your child's needs.
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Avatar_n_tn
I have 2 boys one is 13 months and one is 8 and they both sleep with me because it makes us all feel safe, close, comfortable and content, They have no fears there is no fighting or forcing them to go to there room and sleep. I say time for bed they both climb in my bed I kiss them and they fall asleep. I do my night routine and later get in bed and cuddle my boys all night long! Love your kids as much as possible because they wont be little forever.
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535822_tn?1389452880
Thats what matters that families are happy and comfortable,sound like you are a great Mom , when children get to that age when they want privacy 11-12 they will say so...its individual needs and if cuddling up with your children sounds sick well good luck to the ones that think so ...Methinks they protesteth  too much....my opinion.
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1387949_tn?1279723129
I understand your concern. I probably felt the same way before I had children. When I was a single mom in Florida I didn't have much money and wanted to get a one bed room place. The landlord wouldn't rent it to me he told me there is an 'incest law' that it's one heart beat per bedroom. I was so taken back but i guess there are alot of bad people out there. Here I am years later married and our 8 year old son sleeps in our bed. It's really a loving thing nothing sexual. Once you have your own child you will understand. Untill then try to be understanding it's hard to be a single parent, I'm sure she needs them to sleep in her bed as much as they need her.
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Avatar_m_tn
Im mixed about this-when I divorced my son was 7 and slept with me for alittle over a year. when we moved and he got a big bed-he had twin but got a queen he has really never come back-unless his bed was covered in toys(he is going to be 10). I say every so often is fine. My boyfriend just moved in with is son. Instead of calling the room his sons room he calls it "their" room. His son is 9. He lays down with him at bed time, which is fine-its their time but he falls asleep there. The first night I waited for an hour for him to come out and he did not so I went to bed. He said next time just knock-I dont feel I should have to do that. Well when he has come out and we have gone to bed together he has gotten up in the middle of the night and gone into bed with his son. They are squeezed into a twin bed. I just dont get it. I feel it cant be healthy. His son makes a big deal about them sleeping together but I did not have my boyfriend in to be my room-mate! One night he came in and turned off my tv and instead of crawling into my bed went back to his sons bed and then complained he was sore from the not being comfortable in the bed. He wants to get him queen bed but the room is small-I think its so they can sleep together. I said how about we make it "his" room. Get maybe a loft bed and some cool posters and have it be his. His mom just moved in with her boyfriend too so I know his life is kinda turned every which way but to me that would make more sense to have him feel like he has "his" own space!  Any idea here?
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Avatar_f_tn
My husband's son recently turned 9 and has been sleeping with his mother since infancy.  In addition to that, she allowed him to keep his pacifier until the age of 6.  As a result, the child has emotional, self-esteem and detachment issues - he cannot sleep alone in our house without a fight and we always have to leave lights on for him.  He whines constantly about everything - it often gets to the point where I have to leave the room because nothing pleases this kid and he won't stop.

His report cards have all detailed behavioral issues - he doesn't pay attention in class and often tries to distract other students.  His grades have suffered because he doesn't try - his attitude is that he cannot do it because it's "too hard".  He has to be the center of attention at all times or there is hell to pay.  Another famous trait is that he likes to wedge himself between me and his father or his older brothers and their girlfriends.  It's like he cannot handle family members being with other people.

I don't care what anyone says about European countries or Dr. Sears books - anyone sleeping with a child past this long is disturbingly selfish.  My husband's ex is also afraid of the dark - she has used this child because of her own emotional deficiencies and now he is problematic in other aspects of his life.  Many have tried to get her to stop and get him into counseling.  In her mind that is ridiculous because there are no problems.

I'm certainly no child psychologist, but I'm living with this first hand and to call it disturbing is an understatement.  
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535822_tn?1389452880
no I see that you are trying to estabish a relationship with a step child , you are too hard on him . he is the one who should be considered ..instead of focusing on the negative focus on his positive side and praise him when you see him doing something right ...Why would other countries be incredibly selfish beacause their ideas/beliefs are differant to yours..this is a very intolerant attitude ....your post is a tirade , I think there are jealousy issues need addressing here ...good luck
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last post was to wic
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.I suggest you do not post with the kind of aggression you are displaying .Rude personal  remarks directed at others frowned upon here .I replied to you with civility ...
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535822_tn?1389452880
I agree with you its time you had a serious talk with your Bf and told him how you feel he really has to set some bounderies about the sleeping arrangements  with his son. until you stand up and tell him its not good enough and you are not willing to put up with it anymore it will continue.All you can then do is leave or put up with it, .Good Luck  
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Avatar_m_tn
My boyfriend's son will not go to sleep unless he is in bed with him or his mother and stepfather.  The stepfather gets booted out of bed into another room.  Aside from the independence and growing up you are hindering from your child; everyone has failed to mention the damage to a marriage.  Especially when it is a step parent situation!  For my boyfriend and I, we have very little alone time together as it is and I would like that time to be time for intimacy.  After the child is asleep in his own bed.  It is important for a couple to have a happy intimate marriage for the child also.  No one above seems concerned about their intimate relationship with their partner.  Rediculous.
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Avatar_f_tn
I could not agree with you more!  As my post indicates above, my husband's 9-year-old has serious detachment issues due to his mother insisting they sleep together all these years.  

The most recent development in this saga is now she has a boyfriend which has caused the child to act out in severe ways.  Apparently, he kicks the guy and tells him to get out of their house - that he wants the guy away from his "mommy".  Yes, this is a 9-year-old talking.

She has been calling my husband constantly asking for advice to which he keeps telling her:  Get the child out of your bed.  

We had him here this past weekend and it took 2-1/2 hours to calm him down before bed time.  When he returned home Sunday night, he grilled his mother to death about who slept over while he was away (she called my husband about this).  

Anyone who thinks this type of behavior doesn't cause severe emotional damage is delusional.  The good news is they have finally agreed to get him into therapy.  We only hope this means she'll stop sleeping with him once and put an end to this disturbing attachment he has.
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535822_tn?1389452880
The problem here is also that nowadays its a Boyfriend sleeping in the bed not so long ago it would have been the child's parents so it would be Dad there,  .the situations have changed , makes it more emotive a situation ...
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Avatar_f_tn
In the case of my husband's ex, she does not have the boyfriend sleeping over  - they just began dating.  The older kids are there too and there are no sleepovers.  The boyfriend cannot even sit next to her on the couch and watch tv without getting kicked in the shins, called expletive names and told to "stay away from his mommy".  

He apparently has been getting up and leaving which is why she is so upset.  The child she created is now ruining her love life.
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Avatar_m_tn
I'm firmly against this practice as I think it leads to boundary issues, dependency problems and overall emotional dysfunction. Young boys from these kinds of backgrounds often grow to have serious relationship issues with women. In many cases that same mother who believes it's ok to have her son in bed is overly domineering in other aspects of that kid's life too, often infantilizing and feminizing him. They create a mutual dependency which is extremely unhealthy.

Many a lonely and frustrated single mother will turn to her child to form a sort of "unconditional" substitute for real, adult relationships. This sets the child up for long lasting repercussions later in life. Nowhere here have I alluded to anything sexual because I do believe in most situations thats not the case. But the emotional damage wrought by the actions of parents who care more about filling their own emotional voids than about the emotional adjustment and psychological growth of their child can have life-lasting, injurious implications.

There are several steps that children make in their lives on the road to adulthood. When they are allowed to progress through those steps naturally and healthily, they benefit greatly. They become well rounded individuals in their own right. But when mothers inhibit this natural process for their own personal, selfish needs, they subject children -- especially boys -- to a form of arrested emotional development from which its very difficult to rebound.

I think most mothers who do this know on some level it's not good, but think their situation the exception.

If a parent wishes to engender neuroses, neediness and dependency issues in a child later in life, let her keep right on inviting her big child into her bed . That goal will surely be attained.
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Avatar_m_tn
I would have to say I agree with you. My boyfriend has custody of his 6 year old son. He goes to his mothers two days a week. He sleeps with his mother. I see it as being wrong. The one thing that bothers me the most is that he has a preoccupation with sexual things. I have a 5 year old daughter from a previous marriage. He has tried to get her to let him touch her. He says his older brother touches him in this way. I have tried to discuss this with my boyfriend. He has tried to look up womens dresses or nightgowns even his grandmother. I have also been told he has tried to fondle his aunts breasts when she has picked him up. He has displayed sexual tendency even in front of me and his father. We have been told he has seen a family member insert a tampon. He is only 6 years old. When I had my boyfriend confront her with their son she just called her son baby and love and told him that this never happened. I am concerned with this behavior. I am a mother of four children. And if any one of them would say someone touched them I would believe them regardless. I have let my children come to our bed when scared but when the fell asleep I carried them back to their own beds. But with this situation with the interest this child shows in sexual things that it should cease immediately. I would appreciate any comments or ides. The child has to come first.
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Avatar_m_tn
95% OF RAPISTS AND SERIAL KILLERS SLEPT WITH THERE MOTHERS!! ... It is a proven fact they become reliant and deopendable on there mothers, and when they mature they err in the aboe way....

go ask the courts . psychologists, and the people whos offspring were murderded/raped ny these individuals.. sad  but true...
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Avatar_f_tn
I think the love and affection that is shown during bedtime between parents and children is great, but by the time a child is 6 or 7 years old it is time to start teaching him or her a sense of security.  By that age they have either completed or begun putting down security blankets and stuffed animals.  They are going to school and socializing and becoming acquainted with a world outside of home.  It is time for the parents to do their part to start developing a secure child.  We owe it to our children to cut the umbilical cord an allow them to grow.  I know we hate to see them grow up but we gotta let em grow. It's for their own good.  An occasional night's sleep in mom and/or Dad's bed is great, but to hold them back from growing up by having them sleep in their parents room every night is just wrong.  We are not playing house with dolls, we are raising children to be strong and compassionate.  Part of their strength comes from their independence and overcoming childhood fears of dark and monsters in the closet.  Love your kids by helping them develop emotionally.
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535822_tn?1389452880
I doubt very much that a good portion of the world and Europe have rapists and killers because they slept with their MOM ....
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Avatar_n_tn
At what age do you think it is unhealthy for a mother and son to sleep together?
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535822_tn?1389452880
I wouldnt use the word unhealthy I think that before puberty is a good time for children to sleep in their own rooms, that may be around 10-11 years old . Its an individual thing ..for comfort as kids do kick around , and for the intimate side of married life ,it is better to get children used to being in their own bed quite early in life but if they choose not to and wish to share the bed it is parents  choice, as I said previously I have never thought parents had ulterior motives to want to share the family bed .
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I still sleep w/ my 9 year old for many reasons.....comfort, love, and convenience as well.

Absolutely NOTHING to do with sex......eeeeeewwww!

You hit it on the spot honey and i couldnt have said it any better myself.

Thank you!
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i see that everyone has an opinion of what they think is best , but what about the kids is it really best looking at all the threads it just is a cycle that never stops.. My first son did sleep with me when he was little untill he was two. I was in high school and worked and lived at my mothers house at the time, he did have his crib but I felt like i needed him to sleep. well after dating and having people over and all that i realized it was not a good thing(not saying mormal) just not good because it is a seperation thing from the parents and the child. So i got married and had another child and did the crib thing from day one, but keep in mind the baby was in our room not his  own and when he get to the walking age then he got his own room too.. this transition was so much easier then the first one.. he is now 4 and loves to sleep in his bed.. well i found out i was preg with a girl for the third child and i knew that i needed a bigger house so we moved and both the boys got scared and wanted to sleep with us it was only a couple of days of this that i then realized that i couldnt do it so i decided to go shopping and let them pick out their own beds and bedding and pillow and the best thing i took them to build a bear and let them make thier own "snuggle bear" so that they did have thier own thing to snuggle. Now my daughter being 3 we just did this again with her on her room she is scared at night because her room is the first one going to the rooms so i put a music player in her room and turn off the lights and tuck her in and her babys and turn on the music and she is fast asleep.  There is days that i get scared (being a single mom now) and just want to put them all in my bed because i feel like if someone breaks into my house or something that i will not be able to get to them in time, but then what i did is added things to the house for security for me as a mom to protect them.. So i have been in all the places and the thing that i feel is right is to show them to be independent and give them things to help with it, or things for your security also. Hope this helps in all ways!!!!!
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comming from a person who was being done in a bad way and scared to tell someone the truth because of what the person says they will do to you scared me and i was afraid! So if you truly ever feel like something is wrong and all the signs tell you that something is not right seek help asap, dont wait till five and a half years of this is being done to your child to finaly find out something is wrong. It can be the parent or the parents other half or even antother family  member. and now that i am an adult I do not let my child go places I dont feel comfortable with and know that something might or could happen or maybe just have a feeling about.  Being 24 years old now I would have to say that the one thing I wish my mom would have done is when I was doing anything to prevent from going to my dads she would have found out why, it took six years after the person to stop for my mom to ever do anythign about it and the guy got away scotch free after molesting me and my sisters for TWO years and showing us how we are big girls .. makes me sick and scares me and still mentaly hurts me and I wish every day that I could see him one more time to show him how it feels to be a big girl and take care of his problems in the head!
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I love having my son sleep with me. Just us watching tv together till he crashes out makes me feel so comfortable. Then I turn off the tv and lights and put my hand over his back to feel the rise and fall of his breathing. Sooths both of us. Him being held while sleeping and me knowing he is there safe. But sometimes he does sleep alone in his crib that's in same room as me.
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My common-law-spouse"wife" have just finish going through a separation.  We have an 8 yr old girl between us and she already had 4 girls from two previous relationships.  We were high school back in the 1980.  Both went to collage, split up while there, different schools, got back together after our relationships failed.  Now, I have access to my daughter every other weekend and two days through the week over night.  She wants to sleep with me when we're together.  I don't mind that and I see nothing wrong with it.  She misses me badly and is having problems at her mother's place with her step-sisters and her mother as well.  I believe my daughter regains some of our connection with us through the closeness and security of sleeping in the same bed.  I'll sometimes suggest that she sleep in her own bed but I normally leave the decision up to her.
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Again it is a matter of choices in a family and if it works like many portions of the world and other cultures ,why not, abuse happens , sometimes I have never believed that this world is full of abusers,but it is full of love...
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sorry should be a comma after sometimes, I have a disfunctional keyboard
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i have never herd
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I am dealing with this first hand..I have an 8 yr old stepson and 6 year old stepdaughter that sleep with their mother all the time, and according to the 6 year old, it's because she loves them.  This has made life very difficult for my husband and I.  His daughter has no issues because she understands that we love her and want her to feel like a big girl when she comes over and she loves her big bed to herself.  His son on the other hand, has MAJOR issues and they are just getting worse with age.  He is afraid to do anything without an adult present and has even started faking feeling sick to avoid going to bed right away.  Recently, we tried going to the pool and he is now afraid to go swimming when he has been swimming for years now. He says he doesn't know what is scaring him about swimming.  He cries about everything and seems very attached to his mother and I believe the sleeping arrangement at her house is to blame.  It is hindering his development as a normal 8 year old boy; he's not interested in doing anything with his friends or playing sports; he used to be in taekwondo, but since his mother didn't seem to show an interest in it, he quit.  When his mom had a boyfriend, the kids went to sleep in their own beds and things started to get better, now that she is single again, it's gotten 10 times worse. He used to scream for hours before going to bed; now it's turned into the "sick" thing.  He's a smart kid and I want to see him succeed in life. I think it is a selfish thing of his mother coaxing them into sleeping with her because she "loves them".  This is WRONG.  I don't think it be a sexual things as others have said, but I think it is awful for his lack of independence.  I just want him to be a happy kid, but until he is broken from this unhealthy sleeping situation then I don't know what's going to happen.  He's also very VERY interested in girls and he always tries to peek in on his sister and his mother tends to take showers with her see through curtain.  There has to be a point as a mother when you know that your child is too old to sleep with you.
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kids sleeping in parents beds after 2 years is just bad for the child and a bit creepy.  They need to know and respect boundries in life and they need the space to create their own boundries (their bed) (your bed) dont kid youself that it is for the childs benifit you are just wanting someone to cosy up to.  if you are not grown up enough to sustain a relationship with an adult then sleep alone and dont burdon your child with the same sad needy feelings. you are breeding a litter of bedwetting emotionally stunted needy misfits.  I know allot of you wont want to hear this because you dont like facing up to the truth that you are damaging your child
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I have a 9-year old daughter who still sleeps with me. I have gone away when she was a little baby and she cried through the night even though her father and sister were there.She is now 9 like I said and I need to go away to another state for training for my job. She fell asleep but she told me over the phone that she fell asleep over night but kept waking up around 1:30 A.M and stayed awake for about 40 minutes or so. She then cried a few times and she tried to stop. I know the reason she cried was cause she missed me. BUT, I'm afraid. What if she won't stop? I know she is used to my smell so before I left I told her if she couldn't sleep to take one of my clothing for my drawer and sleep with it but I don't know if it helped. Her father turned the TV on so she could sleep and she did but woke up AGAIN at 6:00. Im worried. Please someone help me. Im fine with her sleeping with me, but what if it never stops? I also have a nephew who sleeps with his mothers pants and I think its cause the smell. Can someone respond?
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I have a 9-year old daughter who still sleeps with me. I have gone away when she was a little baby and she cried through the night even though her father and sister were there.She is now 9 like I said and I need to go away to another state for training for my job. She fell asleep but she told me over the phone that she fell asleep over night but kept waking up around 1:30 A.M and stayed awake for about 40 minutes or so. She then cried a few times and she tried to stop. I know the reason she cried was cause she missed me. BUT, I'm afraid. What if she won't stop? I know she is used to my smell so before I left I told her if she couldn't sleep to take one of my clothing for my drawer and sleep with it but I don't know if it helped. Her father turned the TV on so she could sleep and she did but woke up AGAIN at 6:00. Im worried. Please someone help me. Im fine with her sleeping with me, but what if it never stops? I also have a nephew who sleeps with his mothers pants and I think its cause the smell. Can someone respond?
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I think my boyfriend is doing damage to his kids by sleeping with them every night. They are both 8, boy and a girl. If I am there and we try and go sleep in his" supposed bed", the kids get anxiety, and go running into the room looking for him, this happens 4,5 times a night until he goes back with them and ends up sleeping there with them, or let's them sleep with the both of us. Its not because there isn't enough room or beds.I just do not think this is normal, and the boy masturbates every night before he goes to sleep, and his sister is just use to it, she doesn't say anything, the son also wets the bed almost every night, so they all have to get up and change the sheets. My boyfriend recently had surgery, so I recommended he sleep downstairs so he didn't have to walk up the steps, they have now all moved together to this room and are now sleeping together there. I do not think its right or appropriate for a young girl(8) to be sleeping with her father every night, or the son for that matter, its also affecting our relationship since I am up 5 times a night, I've been sleeping less and less there, but my bf doesn't mind at all no matter how much I tell him. I do not think this is healthy for the kids either, they need to learn to sleep alone. Am I over reacting, or is this normal?
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If sleeping with a child is approached as being "OKAY"- then where do parents draw the line?  When separation anxiety is apparent in the 8-11 year old.  My step-son will not sleep in a tent with one of his peers on his boyscout camping trip- because he wants to sleep with his mother who is also going.   He ultimately decided this week that he is not going to go - and probably for that reason.  If my husband and I do not cater to this- he feels as though it is "rejection"- so despite the people who feel that co-sleeping is OK- when does it become NOT OK- and when does a parent decide to help their child develop the independence of sleeping in the own bed and not being afraid to be alone.  My step-son has shown an increase in anxiety in the last few months.  He went to camp for the first time - and was not sleeping with his mother.  I would love to hear some feedback.  I am worried about my step -son.  I don't feel that he should be so insecure, unable to sleep by himself, and wanting to call his mother in the middle of the night when he is at our house.  It is not healthy.  
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I'm with tayzoe on this one, for anyone to deem your child sharin ur bed as abusive you clearly have your own issues to deal with here, whether it be issues with the world we live in today (a not so nice one that has made you loose trust in society) or a personal one... My 3 year old sleeps in my bed all the time now, in fact my room is now his room, its cool... I'm a single mum and no one else shares my bed, both he and I sleep better when were next to eachother (bare in mind I grew him for 9months, is having a baby inside your womb child abuse? Pah get over yourself!) I couldn't care less about what people think, oooooh you shouldn't keep lettin him in your bed he'l never get out... Or whatever advice they feel they should give! He's such an advanced toddler more so than his nursery class mates, he's outgoing, loves to meet new kids, he's just fab, I don't think in any way I've damaged him by sharing a bed with him, he's also very happy to skip off to his dads house every weekend without me so no attachment problem there! But getting back to the 'abusive' side of this topic... Get real please, you are clearly not a parent so don't try label us parents who do share beds with our kids as 'pervs' as its people like you who make this society worse. Geeez you can't dicipline your own child anymore if they're out of control else your classed as an 'abuser' or you can't take them classic baby pics of your kid in the bath with bubbles on their head (weve all been their when we were young! Good times) without being called a peado.... Grrrrr! When you have a child ill put a winning lottery ticket on you letting your child sleep with you at least once ;) turn your negative mind into a positive and clean one yeh!!
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Your a bit of a loser aren't you. Go put your fake stats elsewhere u twit u don't become a rapist just coz u slept in same bed as your mum are u f***in dumb? I slept in my parents bed and I'm not a rapist and as far as I know I aint killed anyone, yet, so keep chattin your bullsh** and don't come back with the whole 'you must be that 5%' fool!!!!
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That last comment was for you pebbles95 yes you, you must have been born in '95 to come up with crap like that, your only a child yourself
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I have a similar problem with my step-daughter. She just turned 8 and she has slept  in her mother's bed her entire life. I think her mother is incredibly selfish and co-dependent and it disgusts me. As a consequence, my step-daughter is unable to spend the night at our house or anyone elses house because she HAS to sleep with Mommy every night. From the posts, I've read above, it seems many of the parents are single parents seeking to comfort themselves rather than teach their children to be happy, independent and secure. Further, I know plenty of Europeans and no, the don't all share a "family bed". The stereotype is ridiculous. Sure some do it but it is usually due to extreme poverty and necessity, rather than the preferred choice! Also, to the woman above who couldn't STAND for her child to be fearful at any given moment...PULEEZE. The only reason the child is fearful of sleeping alone is because that's how the parent has socialized the child! I think parents who are into the whole idea of co-sleeping, especially passed the age of 6 need to get lives of their own. Also, if you cherish the before bedtime time with your kids great, that's all fine and good but you don't need to sleep together! I have no problem with a child occassionally climbing into bed with the parents if they are fearful and/or had a nightmare but get real people. How do you expect your kids to grow up to stand on their own two feet? My step-daughter's Mom is doing a disservice to her by continuing this behavior and it takes away from hr development.
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Seeking some advice- When does having you kids sleep with you go to far. I have two step daughters that are with us the majority of the time. They have had their own room for 2 years. Within this last year they have had to move 4 different times bc their mom and her bf break up and then get back together. Since the first breakup both daughter 6 and 7 had been sleeping in bed with her. We understood that she was having a hard time after not having the same comfort as before from her bf. But when they got back together and moved back in the girls then continued to sleep in bed with her but her bf was sleepin in there as well.. within the last 2 months they have moved back out and continue to sleep with her every day and are now moving back in. Unfortunetely after the girls have slept in the bed with their mom for the weekend when they come home we struggle. All day they are perfectly fine until we say its time for bed. We have never had a problem with them before. Like I said before they have had their own rooms for 2 years. Now all of a sudden the yougest (6) will cry because she wants her mom. she will make up excuses ie( im afraid of the dark, my tummy hurts, i think i have an ear ache) just to get the attention. I am afraid that things have gone the extent of the youngest having seperation anxiety because the mother has used them to fill in the place as her bf..... Any advice?
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Exactly what I was talking about. So sorry you are going through that now too! Can you explain to them they have to sleep in their own bed and have some cuddle time in their room with them until they get sleepy? Sometimes a promise of a reward in the morning helps too. I think they just need some reassurance they are safe. I wish I had the opportunity with my step-daughter but like i said above, she's ALWAYS slept with her mom and now it is a HUGE problem. I think it's fine to explain to the kids that at your house the rules are different, do your best to make them feel secure and re-start the process of having them sleep in their own rooms! Good luck.
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We have tried to explain this. I have actually talked with the mother about this and it was brough up that she told them that there are two different sets of rules at each house. At their house they get to sleep with her and at ours they have their own room. She said that if the nighttime struggles continued to happen that they were no longer allowed to sleep with her. Now do you think she has actually followed through and kept her word? NO! She doesn't want their to be a reason for them to be mad at her or they already know that if they cry to her or whine she will give whatever it is they want. Coming from a divorced family I know the tricks and how you can play ur parents and the only thing she is doing is setting herself up for the future years. Every week the day before they go to her house she will call them and tell them that when they get home they get a surprise... This is just the beginning of our problems..... It is so sad
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Hi,

I know, I'm a child of divorce too and had some experiences with that. But, kids are pretty smart and do see through those manipulations. I kinda did and the older I got the more aware of it I was.  I guess it's up to you guys to enforce the rules you expect in your house. The Mom obviously will be useless in that regard. This is what I mean about parents who use their children as pawns in some fashion because they are so insecure themselves. I agree with you, it is sad. She obviously doesnt feel like she can compete with you guys unless she plies them with surprises and let's them sleep with her.I really think that is bad parenting.
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when they decide they do not want to do it any more
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I agree 100 percent.  I have two friends with the same isssue. Friend one has her eleven year old son sleeping in the bed with her. She has a four bedroom house her husband sleeps in one room and they sleep in the other.  This boy acts like a 3 year old girl. His two older sister aslo treat him like their 3 year old sister.  This has been going on since his birth.  I don't have a problem with sleeping with your parents for awhile but this is not apporiate. All that said to say this.  I have told her that it's not right for her son to have to sleep with her. He won't sleep out anywhere because he can't sleep without her.  Now she is having a sort of hell going on.  Her son gets teased and bullied in school all the time because nobody thinks his cute 3 year old girl act is cute beside his mother.  She cries to me trying to figure out what the problem is.I'm amazed she can't figure it out.  Enough is enough get out of his bed or make him get out of yours. My second friend same thing.........
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we have 8 year old son that was very sick when he was born he is still I'll but mom and I feel that he need his own bed at night when we are in the hospital I (dad) stay with him but at home when all is well he dose not like to be alone.Some times think that we shouldn't have let him sleep with us when he was a baby but we was afraid that we would not hear him if he needed us. But we look at him today and we say thank GOD for every day . I am trying to say that three is no book for being a mom or a dad just take the gift God gave to all of us and love them take it one day at a time in to days world every things is going so fast for some moms and dads that may be the only time reading a book before bed to talk and know how there kid is doing. Lets not judge anyone. I know that what we have done was all because we love your son. But as I am typing this I am laying next to him in his bed helping him fall asleep and about to move to my bed now that he is sleeping. Good luck to every one just do what works best for you because one day they will be moms and dads to and what we teach them they will use on your grandkids.
Good night everyone
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It can be called emotional incest. It is NOT right or normal for this to be happening. In some cases its due to a mental illness with the mother, for example those with borderline personality disorder - the fact she can only relate to the child, and treats that child as a partner due to her inability to relate to an adult partner.
People who do this often state that it is common in europe and other parts of the world, however, this is just an excuse.
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Seems this is a hot topic and everyone has an opinion. All families do things different than the rest. There is not one way that is better than the other and until you or I are in their exact situation it is easy for us to pronounce our way of how it should be done. I happen to have 4 children, ages, 8,6,4 and 3. They all have there own room, and ussually all start out in their own room. Sometimes sleep through the night. And other times I end up with 2 or 3 in my bed in the morning. And at other times a couple of them will just want to sleep with my wife and I. Instead of analyzing the situation to death, in trying to figure out what is the best thing. I let them in. I feel it would be more damaging if Daddy rejected them everytime they wanted to lay with me or my wife. One of these days our kids will not want much to do with us, so, why not cherish the time they do, and want to be comforted by us. I feel we should just be a family the way we see fit, get back to being loveing families with God as our guide.
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I own a day care I have for yrs:I tried very hard to have my daughter lost 6 before her:Finally I was able to have a child even though I knew it ment me being an only parent"I have my 3 yr old little girl sleeping with me every day"how could anyone think a mom sleeping with her child is sexual maybe if you think its sexual you need to look into your thought process:I do it for piece of mind my child always stopped breathing the first 2 yrs of herlife when she sleeps beside me its like i have a built in alarm when something is wrong:She is my baby I know lots of moms that sleep with their sons and daughters not only is it not perverted or sexual its bonding which some moms dont do enough of:My daughter is 3 and has NEVER been with anyone but meand no matter how old she is if she wants to cuddle with her mommy im happy to have her the ladies are right its none of your buisness really and you needto not cause trouble:
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During the Jackson trial I would go to my 10 year old sons bedroom to watch it, I would lay on his double bed, I take tablets including some to help me sleep, I would often fall asleep and wake up in the morning with my son beside me.
I have Bi-polar and my wife called my psychiatrist to ask a couple of questions about my condition, she mentioned in passing that I had recently been sleeping in my sons bed, he said this was inappropriate behavior and that if it carried on he may need to inform social services. When I found out I was surprised and saddened at this, if he was an adolescent I could understand it, I'm still a bit shocked at how something so innocent has the potential to upset my family so seriously.
Was I really so wrong?
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I think it's ridiculous. Anyone think about how scarring it would be to wake up and feel your fathers erection on accident?  Or what happens when the child has slept with a single parent for a prolonged period & the single parent then find a partner? The first night the boyfriend or girlfriend sleeps over would obviously not go over well. The child could be left feeling confused at the fact their parent they sleep with every single night is kicking them out because of someone else. This could build resentents between the child and the new adult. Also, if you are married and bed sharing how can you & your spouse enjoy intimacy on a regular basis?  I am completely opposed to bed sharing. I do not care If it's done in other countries. If a child has a bed available to sleep in they should. Once in a while? Yes why not? But every night is ridiculous.
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you people are so stupid!! its not ok for kids to be sleeping with anyone at that age!!! your teaching kids to be co-dependent and have seperation anxiety plus most of all the kid needs to learn that he has his own space and cant be all up in everyone elses space just because he cant sleep alone!! this is a sore spot I just broke up with my boyfriend cause I had to sleep on the couch because he wants to "Baby his boys" just because theyre mom *****!! they are 8 and 10!!! give me a break!! Life friggin goes on and to keep babying them makes it worse!! It ruined our relationship. anyone who is ok with theyre live in gfriend sleeping on the couch every nite is selfish and does not deserve a relationship!!
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What makes you think a doctor is an authority on the cutoff age for a child to sleep with his mother? That's ridiculous. Why dont people start thinking for themselves and use some  logic and common sense.
I do think that some mothers let their kids sleep with them because they are not wanting intimacy with their spouse and having children in their bed puts the dampers on spouses getting "frisky"
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I am a single mom, and  sleep with my 3 year old every night, and he has absolutely no separation anxiety issues whatsoever. When it was time for him to go to play school he was one of the few kids that didn't fuss, or cry , he simply kissed, hugged me and said, bye mom and  we continued with our days. He is one of the most independent, self secure kids I know, I have been told this by many people, one being a psychologist I was visiting and had to bring him along, as I had no one to watch him that day. She could not get over how social he was and how secure he seemed to feel with life.
I notice most of the complaints of the child being too dependent etc, are from step parents.. How do you know its the co-sleeping causing the problems, and that the parent(s) 'ruined' the child that way? Perhaps this "clingy or needy": behavior is being caused by all the changes and instability of new girlfriends/boyfriends that are changing the family dynamic?  I don't know if my son is more secure because i co-sleep with him or if that is just his nature. I personally just think every kid is different and that sleeping in the same bed as them doesn't necessarily make them independent, nor dependent.
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If the eight year old kid has their own room, there is no reason for still sleeping with Mom other than that mommy is pathetic and insecure. She needs to get a boyfriend to snuggle and let the kid grow up normal.  He can't be going out for boy scouts and insist on climbing in the sleeping bag with his scout leader!
Is this a message board for confused freaks who like to sleep with their old children to commisurate and say that they're normal?
Stop talking about Europe and co-sleeping, go get yourself a pet, and stop being weirdos.
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GREAT reply. Should be helpful with our 7 year old. Thanks! Andy
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This is a very touchy subject these days with all the child sexual abuse going on.  My husband was just accused by his now 17 year old daughter who has never lived with him of having sexual intercourse with her from age 11-13 about 5 times. This little girl slept in his bed on visitations for several years cause she was scared and he thought was the right thing to do.  

This is the problem. Now this is what she says. All because we gradually stopped visiting her because we married and she's not the top of his world anymore. What kins of world do we live in? ??
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But! My opinion is no. Kids don't sleep bEd wih kids after a certain age. Id say very young like 6 maybe.
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My friend has been single for a very long time, his 10 year old daughter sleeps with him in his bed on his weekends. He is also an alcoholic and often does not remember what happened the night before. He has now mentioned that he is worried that his daughter might have been abused. He is a loving and attentive father and his daughter is very intelligent and affectionate with him and asks to sleep in his bed, would this be the case if he were the abuser?
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I have two kids and they both are allowed to sleep in my ROOM with my husband and I or when my husband is out of town. I made the mistake by allowing my kids to come sleep in my room if they became scared at an early age. I was lazy and didn't want to wake up to a screaming child so instead I encouraged the screaming child to walk to my room.

HOWEVER,  my son must make a comfy bed on the carpeted floor and he is only allowed in the room during storms and nights he scared, which isn't often. My daughter is allowed in the bed until she is my son's age and then she also will be told the floor is suitable. My daughter sleeps on my side of the bed and on top of the blankets. I move my children back into their room when they fall asleep. I may come off as detached but I am trying to prove a point to my kids that their own beds are more comfortable. I also want my kids to understand independence and SLEEPING ALONE IS NORMAL AND SAFE. I am affectionate with my children but at bedtime a kiss, hug and tuck them in for the night is sufficient enough. I shouldn't have to cuddle them during the night too, it's inappropriate.

If my children decide to neglect my wishes they are unable to sleep in my room when scared.  I will then sit at the end of their bed or floor and speak with them until they fall asleep. Yes it is time consuming but they are my children and I want to make them feel safe.

In many other countries it is very normal for parents to share a bed. I don't discriminate, I just really like my own space at night.

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I've known my girl friend for a year and a half. She thinks co-sleeping is normal. We had only dated once, but kept in touch by phone and text. After a year of that we finally started dating and after a few weeks decided to date exclusively and I soon found out that she regularly has her 6 year old daughter and 12 year old son sleep in the same room with her. However, there was a bed next to Moms(my girlfriend)bed that the son would usually sleep in and the daughter in mommys bed. Eventhough in the 2 bedroom house, the son had his own room, but never slept in it. So i pretty much slept on the couch, but got tired of that REAL fast and just decided to go home for the night. Just didnt feel comfortable. Well 6 months later, Mommy got another apartment with still 2 bedrooms and now they have 2, instead of 1 bath. (another story, even with the 2 bathrooms). Mommy decided that the kids stay in their own separate beds in the other room. Since we've been dating, the kids every other week for 2 nights will spend time with their father, which has allowed intimate sleep time between my girlfriend and I possible. There have been noticeable attachment issues, some tolerable and some seeming not healthy, before and even in the new apartment, however, I was surprised at the relatively easy transition and the kids adaptability of the new sleeping arrangements allowing mommy and I to have a few nights of sleeping together. Well that was short lived, when moms oldest son at 23 moved back in to the 2 bedroom apt. Therefore, daughter had to start sleeping with mommy again in the same bed while the older son took the daughters bed and slept in the other room with the 12 year old. Well, here we go again...just when things seemed to be becoming normal. Come to find out after a few days of the older son moving back in I became aware that the 12 year old sleeps in mommys bed every night with the daughter too when I didn’t sleep there, Even though the 12 year old son has his own bed in the other room. I realized and believe that both the younger kids after moving to the new apartment were still sleeping in moms bed when I wasnt there. When she moved into the new apartment and during the apparent smooth transition, I was sleeping in moms/our room for 3-4 nights per week. Anyhow, I'm sure, when I wasnt there, they were all, mom, the 6 year old daugher and the 12 year old son were sleeping in moms bed. ( i may have repeated my self in my previous explanation)The attachment issues are obvious and it would take lots of time and I dont care to take to mention them. Some of you can imagine. Eventually, we plan to move in together and this will likely be the best answer to the problem….moving into a 3 or 4 bedroom. However, I know that there will be some transition time again and it will probably work out. I've read several of the threads on here and have noticed minimal posts on the sexual/intimate effects with the Mommy/stepdaddy vice versa situations. After several months of this stuff, Im feeling convinced that the co-sleeping arrangements affects my girl friends sex drive. It could be due to a thyroid issue, but I think this co-sleeping plays a significant factor, although some women may remain plenty horny for her/a man eventhough she co-sleeps.   I will explain.....The co-sleeping has filled an emotional issue gap for the kids and the mom as well. Mommy has primarily been single with a couple intermittent short relationships for the last several years with of course the kids since they were babys’ sleeping in the same room with her. I'm thinking that this stunts mommys sexual exploration within herself. Theres a fine line, I'm thinking, between emotional need and sexual need, especially as adults. They've gotta have some direct or indirect emotional psychological connection. Anyhow, somehow, mom becomes emotionally satisfied or "has some gap filled" with kids sleeping with her, and therefore, that otherwise part of her that would have an urge, craving, need for attachment is stunted, therefore a need for another man near her is stunted, therefore her otherwise inherant nature to fantasize about a man sexually or just being near her is stunted or limited… and therefore, doesnt want to or cant masturbate, understandably, while her kids are in bed next to her virtually every night. You get what I'm saying?? She's had to suppress these otherwise emotional needs/sexual urges and desire or simply, can live...easier, without them. She virtually never expresses a craving or sexual desire for me. Although she often tells me she loves me, kisses me, loves to cuddle with me and loves when we make love together, which is rare and only when I initiate, and I know she loves when we finally get to DO It!. However, the Nasty part and her craving, and spontaneity for it is virtually zero and she’s 38 years, very healthy, and Sexy looking. There may be some other past relationship issues shes been involved in contributing to this. But I think if she slept alone and allowed that otherwise or would be normal lonely part of her to fully desire, think about, dream about, miss, explore within herself,etc...it would allow for a more fullfilling intimacy with us. I'm not saying that she cant fantasize or desire me when her kids are in bed with her when I'm not there...however, its obvious that the co-sleeping in my opinion contributes to a considerable limiting stunted intimacy potential.  Anyone agree? I wonder sometimes if she's not attracted to me, but she says that she is and that I am the one that she wants to spend the rest of her life with, even in my present unfavorable financial position. She’s a great woman…..i just want to ravishingly F*** the heck out of each other sometimes. But too often always unspontaneous, and controlled situation.
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I met my girlfriend three years ago and now I'm ready to just leave, because I haVe been sleeping alone in my own bed because of her son that's sleeps with her. He was four years old when I met my girl and now he is six years old ,well this is not good for a relatioship its *****,and he has his own room,I told her what is he going to sleep with you till he is 18
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Avatar_m_tn
Hi, 3 years in another bed is a long time. Too long for me. I would say that if you're not sleeping alone with your girl friend most of the time. I'd be concerned. Some women or men I guess dont know how to keep a healthy balance of attachment. If she continues to boot you out of bed to sleep with her son everynight..id get another girl friend. I'm curious. How is the sex between you and your girl? How often. Does she seem to "need" or have urgency or strong desire to be physical with you and have some sex/intmacy with you...Or is like, she can do without it? I have a theory that co-sleeping, hence fills an emotional need, consciously or subconsciously, kills or stunts or limits the urge and a natural tendency to "crave" or need emotional intimacy, to some extent small or large, with anyone else, since their somewhat "filled" with the ever presence of their child or children sleeping with them.  
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im having a problem now, i live with my boyfriend and have been for 2 years his son comes to stay every other weekend and when his son come to sleep i would have to sleep in the spare room so his son could sleep in our bedroom with his dad, i didnt agree with this and thought it is wrong this is my home aswell as my partners and i shouldnt be sleeping in the spare room in my own home when his son stays! well anyway it caused a lot of tension and i got really down about this and also felt pushed out, aint it normal to sleep with your partner not your kid! i said how i felt and i didnt think it was right or fair and his son should be sleeping in the spare room in his own bed and my partner should be sleeping with me his partner, so he said okay ill start putting him to sleep in his own room so he did for a few weeks and now hes started to sleep with him in his sons room! now it just seems like everything i said didnt matter or he didnt get what i meant but its like going back to square one!! now can someone please tell me if they think i am being silly or am i right about this situation, as its getting me down and its makin me not want to be with my partner because of this!! his son is 6 now, he has his own bedroom to sleep in, and should his dad my partner be sleeping with his son in his room or with me his partner, i just think its kinda wrong!!!???
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I dont think people that dont have children have a right to post their opinion on this matter. I have an 11 year old son, and I will go to bed with him, read for awhile and fall asleep but then at some point in the night go to my own bed. I use to let him sleep in my bed but now he sleeps in his own. He is very independant. He has no problem spending the night at friends or grandmas or dads house. Just because a child has issues or problems does not mean they are from sleeping with their parents. My son has ADHD and it is not from sleeping with me. He is very respectful & compassionate. He does not act like a girl or sissy. My husband is not a cuddler or affectionate. He has two children of his own & it is very akward for them to hug. His children have many emotional problems from lack of affection. My two older daughters also slept with me when they were younger. I believe I have a close relationship with all my children & thank God everynight for my healthy children. There is no stronger bond then that of a mother & child. That is the way God intended it or he would not have us carry our children inside us for nine months or give us breast to feed our children. Which just happens to be the most important thing you could ever do for your baby. If you are a step parent with no children of your own & you see it  wrong for your spouse to cuddle their children then you are jealous he is giving them love & attention & not you. You need to stay out of the relationship between a parent & their children. Yes, in some extreme cases there is something wrong & it needs to be taken care of. In all normal cases there are those that are extreme. But the extreme cases can not set the standard for every situation. If my son was having wet dreams or masterbating (masturbating) then I would not be sleeping with him. I know he is getting older & I am making the transition for him to be going to bed on his own. All in good time. All those problems listed have happpened to many other children as well & a lot of them were not sleeping with their parents. Every child is different & every situation is different. Soon my son will be a mouthy teenager who seems to be from another planet that does not want to hang out with his mom. For now,  Ill take every single opportunity I can get to hold him. Once they grow up those opportunities are gone forever!!!
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I dont think i can stand my bf's little 7yr old girl waking me and my bf up everynite cuz she cant sleep and needs someone to sleep with her. It is driving me crazy..but he thinks  he cant do anything about it cuz his ex (her mother) is sleeping in the same bed with her and it is causing problems at our house cuz now she is so co-dependent. I was wondering is it normal for a 7 yr old to sleep with thier parents still? He puts her to bed everynite and sneeks out but she then wakes us up every time after that and he has to go put her in bed again. This pattern needs to stop but he wont put his foot down cuz he wants to make her happy. It really feels like the child is in control not the parents in this one..but he dosnt know what to do and I am not the parent so I cant make any decisions. I really need some advice on how to make this stop..cuz it has to end this year..i do not think it is normal for an 8 yr old to still be crying and needing someone to sleep with her. There needs to be boundaries and some tough love here. Does anyone have any suggestions on what I (we) should do here. I am desperete cuz this needs to stop. If she was my kid..I would just say..this is how it is and thats it. Your staying in your bed and thats it..if u get out then you will be punished. But he is not like that...he is too soft with her and is babying her and it is making her way too dependent..but its not just him the bigger problem is her mom doing it which we have no control over..but we do have control over this situation in our house..how do I get him to see that and to take control. We need some middle ground.
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That is gross.. The reason why your bf son is sleeping with the mother is because her *** doesn't have a man!! They treat these little boys like they are their man! (not sexual of course.... i hope)
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I dont see how you deal with that! I would PUT the little boy in his own damn room myself... WTH are you doing sleeping in the guest room?? In your house? Dont let this child control where you live.
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There's nothing wrong with an 8 year old boy sleeping with mom.  It's none of your business and you should take your mind out of the gutter.  Better yet, perhaps you should devote the time into your own son instead.
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Sounds like you have a grudge against your partner's ex.  What she does with her child at her home is none of your business.  She's not abusing her child.  You're not there so you don't know what's going on in her and her child's life.  Who are you to judge?  Just because she raised her child differently from you or what you consider the "norm" does not make it wrong.
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Well said!
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wrong yes it is!!!!  he should be putting his kid to bed and going to sleep with u.i go thru the same thing with my girl friend and her wineing kid every weekend. i dont think its right. PARENTS NEED TO TEACH THEIR KIDS AT A YOUNG AGE TO BE INDEPENDANT!!!!!! sleeping with your kid every night isnt right. putting your kid to bed everynight is fine, but sleeping with them every night causes dependency issues!  Sleeping with your kid every night over your spouse is a little weird and really annoying!!!!!
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I so agree 100%...how do I get my sister to understand that? My nephew has severe seperation  anxiety
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I think ita fine occasionally, but everyday ? Inagree that it is excessive i have a 6 yr old step daughter who had been crying everhtime we put her to bed becuz she is use to sleeping with her mom in the same bed. However my step daughter cries alllllll night long becuz of this. Me and her father let her cry it out and learn that she has to be a big girl and sleep in her own bed. For months we tried this and eventually she snalped out of it she was able to sleep alone now thanks to us.  But it is the moms fault for babying her to much , that if she is crying and throwing a tantrum something obviously aint right
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So I started dating a guy for about a month and a half and it's going very well.  He has a 7 year old boy and they share a bed and bedroom, always have.  The mother died when the child was 4 months old so it has always been just the two of them.  

For childcare issues they moved in with Grandpa who is retired.  My BF and his son share a room and do not seem eager to have the situation change.  I mentioned this to my BF and he said "my son won't do it".  Part of me thinks, your the dad,you say what goes.  

It became apparant that this was going to be equally as hard for my BF.  This is what they have done to get by and they share comfort in their routine.  Do I want to be the one to ruin this bond?

But I think the boy should have his own room... a place to call his own....maybe he might even like it!!!  I think it might be stopping him from growing into an adult in some ways.

I also think it's important, for a couple to have their own private time....if know were else BUT the bedroom!
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My 5 year old son take the occasional shower with me. now my exwife is making comment about him showering with me, like saying that she thinks that it is borderline incest. i am not sure what she is thinking.
i personally can't find anything wrong with it. i shower naked with him when we go swimming at a public pool. and take this as a time to bond.
i think that she is so unhappy that i am enjoying the time that we spend together that she is willing to say anything out of hate
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While I don't really see anything wrong with showering with your 5 year old and can see doing it out of convenience.  But it does sound a little odd to say you do it for bonding???  Bonding in the shower seems a bit odd.  
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Perhaps what is most difficult is the child dealing with the separation of his parents.When the child comes to visit and is told its wrong to sleep in the same bed as his daddy, isn't that a form of seperation anxiety??

No, Tayzoe, it's a form of separation, not separation anxiety. Children are amazing beings that can adapt to almost anything. I was sleeping in my own crib at a few weeks old. I've run to my mother's room a few times after a nightmare as a child, but I can honestly say that sleeping alone made me a more independent person. Don't we eventually want our children to become independent adults? I'm not saying that we should take away hugs, candy and fatherly advice. I'm just saying that just as college students shouldn't get piggyback rides, kids that are old enough to say "No Mommy, I want to sleep with you" should sleep in their own beds. It teaches them that they can do things by themselves.

Also, when else to we sleep with another person in the same bed?...After we've had...you know. Believe it or not, the first time you lay down with someone of the opposite sex, your mind will search for something to connect this unfamiliar experience with. It'll be sitting in the back of the child's head and I'm not saying that they won't be able to do the deed when the time comes, but I think we can all agree that mental connections don't need to be made with our parents and our partner. Ask Oedipus.
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Staying away from societal norms and looking at the interpersonal relationship:  Are the actions of the Mom and son consensual ?  Does the Mom's temper tantrums affect how the boy acts at school and in society ?  There may be a different consideration to be inquired once the boy reaches puberty - in your state is there an age at which Mom and son can not continually sleep together.  The video cam can be  a matter of personal privacy and the risk that the allowable intimacy she has with her son could be miscontrued so that she looses her son or acquires a "sicko" reputation.
I think the key is to have fully open and non-judgemental and non-opinionated communcation with the boy - knowing that at any time he wishes to "break" from smotherly love he is allowed and not bound to it via consequences or manipulation.  
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Nope, your statement and opinion is based on lack of experience as a mother and much else.  You are the mother to a one year old and STEP mom to a 6 year old.  You are simply making an assumption based on your own opinion, which in fact ,is just that, and opinion, nothing factual about what you are saying at all.  You may have a perverse mind yourself, which is why this is your view on it.  I don't know, because I don't know you.  But I can tell you that most who allow their children to co - sleep FOR THEIR OWN REASON (ever heard of dont judge a situation unless youve walked in it and know ALL the reasoning behind it) do NOT think twice about it, and do not equate it to anything sexual, never even been a thought.  I have children that are older, and that are younger, I am a single mother, and my youngest son, who is 6 sleeps in my bed.  You do what you have to bed wise, room wise, and comfort wise for children when you and they are a product of a broken home.  Its no ones business, its not your business either, not your child.  And, youve just taken and made it everyones business.  And your SO nosey and concerned about your bf's EX and what she is or isnt doing, that it sounds more like you just simply dont like her, have it out for her, or are hoping that most here would say what you wanted to hear so you could run and tell her how wrong she is, and tell your bf how wrong she is.  Some advice, quit prying.  He had a relationship BEFORE you that produced a child, he had a life before you, he loved someone else before you, and your probably having a hard time swallowing that, leave it alone, it does NOT concern you.  That is all, have a great day!
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right on!
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Wow! That was a little harsh. She has every right to be involved as it comes to HER house every weekend and she has to deal with the wreckage.

Almost every point of view on this thread is that of an emotionally needy parent. As a mother of 9-year-old girl, who will sleep in her daughters queen sized bed when husband snores too loud, I find it irreconcilable to bring the child into a parents bed every night at this age.

My recently divorced neighbor sleeps with 8yo son every night. When the very sore topic comes up on occasion, she says she knows it's for HER emotional needs. But, that selfishness has driven her husband away - no intimacy in the bed room (yeah, there are other places, but not every single night for 8 years!) In the past when it came up, I remember her saying they all loved the intimacy, and he would be shaking his head.

To top it off, the child is not right. He has serious emotional issues that have been brewing for a number of years. Yeah, I'm sure some of it was from the bad marriage, but when he starts to act like the parent, and then CRIES every time he is disciplined it becomes ridiculous. She starting to treat him like a child-mate.

Oh, and I came from European parents that used to co-sleep in the old country for security reasons. Once they got to America, everyone got their own beds and my parents put a lock on their door. So enough with the fantasizing over European family beds.

Sleep with your kids when they are sick, and little now and then when they are young. But, enough is enough ladies - cut the apron strings.
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While we can say what works for us, it is not really realistic to think we know what every other household should do.  I hope that those who co sleep are happy doing so and it really is not that uncommon.  I don't do it but that is because of my own sleep needs.  I have a good griend who does and she is very close with her husband and has a great marriage.  We just can't speak in absolutes about other people's lives.  
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It is also a situation here in which you've pulled up an old post as you must have been searching for this on the internet.  Must be of some interest to you.  To each their own on the topic and luck to all,.
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I am a step-mom of a 23 year old boy/man who has a girlfriend 40 years old and her 9 year old daughter sleeps with them every night.  The mom ran off with our stepson 2 years ago while the father of this 9 year-olds died of cancer.  The little girl was moved out of her home to another state so the father could have family help him, until his death.  The 23 year old (my stepson) refuses to work and he and the 9 year old act more like sister/brother.  The little girl is starting to develop and although they do not think anything of it, I find it odd and I have a errie feeling with this sleeping arrangement.  It appears this 9 year old is very insecure, and I can certainly understand why, but I think this sleeping together is odd, where the Mom will gets up and sleep on the couch and leave the girl and my stepson together.  I requested that I do not desire this sleeping arrangement in my home and so far they are abiding by it, but they are upset with me.  Any advise?
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Boy oh boy.  That IS an odd situation.  He's an adult living with an adult.  You are kind of stuck.  I think it is a little weird too  . . .  I'm in my 40's, um, does she want a boyfriend or another kid to adopt?  But unless you think that there is abuse or neglect going on with the little girl, they get to be an odd couple. You could tell your step son that you don't think it is a great idea for him to sleep with the little girl (and it isn't)----  because it only takes one accusation to change everything.  For his own protection, he shouldn't be in bed with her.  ???  But it is hard because the mom is making the decision.  Oh boy.  good luck dear
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It is sexual abuse. It is going to cause considerable damage to the kid. It is an invasion of his space and perverse in a way.
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My son just turned 8 and sleeps w me most of the nights. Being a working single mom, I barely have time to share moments as watch TV or read a book with my son, and once we share the same bed, we catch this time before we fall asleep.
My son is very sweet, also VERY independent for his age but he's afraid of sleeping by himself (me too) because the wood in our home makes some noisy some nights, so I don't see anything wrong in having this mutual comfort,
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It not sexual abuse ...many sleep with their children certainly in Europe they do I doubt very much all are predators or abusers .It very often stops before puberty when children want more privacy. ISo if you are comfortable with him whilst he is young I dont see any reason why not other than getting a good nights sleep as they do thrash around the bed a lot ...lol
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I am encountering a similar situation--my granddaughter(5) cannot fall asleep with out her mom or dad next to her --I had her this weekend-first time in a long time they were separated-  first night she slept with me- next night with her cousins on the floor for a sleep over- no problem- until they (mom and dad) walk in the door---the poor little girl is obsessed with this sleeping arrangement-- am I mistaken?? is this a little over the top?? this si only the tip of the iceberg for behavior problems-
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Could not have said it any better! I also cherish those moments, it seems that my son tells me more about what he's thinking & feeling & it helps me know where his head is at. I feel it  helps to keep me close w/ him.
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I so agree Tayzoe!
My baby son was born then immediately my husband decided to put him in a cold crib three rooms away, this developed constant waking with sleep problems for him immediately then within my son turning one and a half years my husband left us causing even more emotional distress, now at 11 years old he sleeps by my side on occasion with our dog for comfort and security yet all my sisters judge me without experiencing divorcee themselves...
What do I do?
I know he will grow out of it, but he does sleep very deep and profound and have cured his early years of stress and teeth grinding.
A mothers nurturing love should not be condemned when they are governed by there instincts with there own siblings.
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I so agree Tayzoe!
My baby son was born then immediately my husband decided to put him in a cold crib three rooms away, this developed constant waking with sleep problems for him immediately then within my son turning one and a half years my husband left us causing even more emotional distress, now at 11 years old he sleeps by my side on occasion with our dog for comfort and security yet all my sisters judge me without experiencing divorcee themselves...
What do I do?
I know he will grow out of it, but he does sleep very deep and profound and have cured his early years of stress and teeth grinding.
A mothers nurturing love should not be condemned when they are governed by there instincts with there own siblings.
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In many countries, families all sleep in bed together out of practicality (lack of beds).  no one should be judged for this as parents do the best they can.  I'm sure at some point, your 11 year old son will decide he may need more space to sleep but this is harmless currently and I do believe you are nurturing him in a kind and loving way.  peace to parents who try hard to do a good job
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If you are a pedophile I am sure it is ok. Grooming your child for sex is another term that comes to mind for the incest rial inclined. No it is not ok to sleep with you 8, year old son for a number of reasons.Co dependency, confusion over the mother son role or Oedipus complex, anxiety disorders and sexual deviant behaviors issues are also on the door step. Protecting a child from abuse and risk is paramount.
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I am really not sure what you are talking about xoceandove.  Please show me where a family bed is related to pedophilia.  In truth, a family bed is very common in various parts of the world.  As a mother of an 8 year old, it is disturbing to me the posts that sexualize a parent child relationship when there is no sign of that.  Simply sleeping with one's child (again, look at the statistics of other cultures in which that is the norm for a variety of reasons including lack of beds) is not sexual.  Cuddling with one's child isn't sexual.  Providing comfort to your child is not sexual.  Very odd that some see it that way and makes me worry about something in their own past or present that was abnormal.  

Many parents cosleep.  Not a big deal.  Kids eventually do want their own space most often as they become more and more independent.  

I've never coslept with my kids but it seems like a lot of nonparents make comments that doing so is pedophilia.  
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