9 year old soiling pants

[arekgb]

I am at the end of my rope.  My nine year old son poops his pants every day.  This has been going on for over two years now.  We have been to doctors, gastroenterologist, and, counselors.  Nothing has helped!  We have used miralax, stool sofeners, and fiber.  We have made hime set on the toilet several times a day.  We have tryed rewards and punishment.  Nothing has worked.  He has been wearing pullups for over year becasue we can not afford to keep buying underwear.  He pretends nothing is out of the ordindary.  He will not clean himself up until someone smells him and tells him to do so.  Now we are having major issues at school because of this.  His father and I are so frustrated with this and just do not know what else to do.  There has been no trauma or abuse.  We have tryed to just say ok our child poops his pants and that is the way it is and just accept it becasue nothing has worked, but that is not working either.  It is causing our whole family much turmoil.  Please does anyone have any suggestions other than what has been posted.

[Claire_MHModerator]

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[sue_perfluous]

I really advocate the soiling solutions method - this behavior pattern has to be "broken", as painful as that will be for both of you

[tboz73]

I can't believe I'm reading this and that you don't see that you are part of the problem. The kid needs love and you're surely not giving it to him. He needs some professional help. As a mother, I could never, ever speak the way you do about my son. And he's clearly missing it. It's spelled out in every word you wrote. His parents obviously really were not there for him. He was a child. And this is not his fault. Show him some kindness. Hugs do wonders. But my own kid has anxiety problems and my husband and I love him to pieces. We don't coddle him, he just has real worries. Kids need kindness. You can talk all you want about how he should be "institutionalized" but if that's how you talk about him, YOU are doing just as much damage. Why do you think he's "lying" about it as you say?! Do you think it's because he doesn't want to be ridiculed, belittled or SHAMED?? Hmmm. There might be a connection there. Have some compassion. Be a human to this poor kid. He sounds like he certainly has had a very hard childhood. And sleeping pills?! These people should be jailed. This just makes me sad.

[tboz73]

I can't believe I'm reading this and that you don't see that you are part of the problem. The kid needs love and you're surely not giving it to him. He needs some professional help. As a mother, I could never, ever speak the way you do about my son. And he's clearly missing it. It's spelled out in every word you wrote. His parents obviously really were not there for him. He was a child. And this is not his fault. Show him some kindness. Hugs do wonders. But my own kid has anxiety problems and my husband and I love him to pieces. We don't coddle him, he just has real worries. Kids need kindness. You can talk all you want about how he should be "institutionalized" but if that's how you talk about him, YOU are doing just as much damage. Why do you think he's "lying" about it as you say?! Do you think it's because he doesn't want to be ridiculed, belittled or SHAMED?? Hmmm. There might be a connection there. Have some compassion. Be a human to this poor kid. He sounds like he certainly has had a very hard childhood. And sleeping pills?! These people should be jailed. This just makes me sad.

[imissseinfeld]

My 8 year old muttered the exact same self assaults where she would find soiled panties. I  could no longer put either of us through the frustration .
I got an immediate appointment to a pediatric  gastrointestinal  Dr.

After our consult, she did a simple non invasive exam. After we returned from the radiology department, we got an immediate diagnosis. The cure requires a very dedicated  parent, and a weekend of at home fun activities.

She wanted this to work more than me, she said. She was not difficult about drinking 32 Oz of  the prescription  high powered laxative. It worked like a charm. 10 hours later we were both tired. Showers around.... we went to sleep. She stated in my room because the bathroom is closest in case she got the urge in the night.

The second part was swallowing a fiber pill. I bought her a couple packs of tic tack and she learner to swallow  "pills". When she felt comfortable- she took her real pill, with style!

Since then, the problem  has gotten under control.  Her self esteem is high. Confident in a way she used to be.

Parents, please don't  punish you children. This is a medical condition. You can't  beat it out of them. Don't  fall for a teacher telling you that your youngster is manipulating their environment, or attention seeking!  Shaming a child won't  solve this problem, only good medicines  will reset your child to their natural setting

Be well

[Josie1954]

Exactly! As adults we love and assist our children! Could be your reasoning is correct, but at least you didn't give up and start beating them or calling them names! You go, Girl! You are a cool mom! It isn't an easy thing/problem to deal with. I know, my 8 year old grandson does this, also. But there is a reason. His fault? Emotional? Physical? Don't know yet. What I do know is that I love him and I won't abandon him by banishing him or making him less a person. Rock on!!!

[Josie1954]

Dang, Girl, you are harsh! This child is LUCKY you didn't raise him! And we all get that you NEED us to know you didn't! NORMAL CHILD? Girl, you need to move on out of this situation before you do damage to this child!!!! Your "beloved" dogs? This child needs love, not to be beat because his step-mommy doesn't like him! This is a common problem, as you can see by the posts in this forum. The child needs someone in his life who will help him, not label him. You offend those who are struggling with this problem and those who are attempting to help them. Shame on you!

[Cool_mom_of_4]

I can feel for anyone going through this. I have a son that had encopresis from age six to age 12 and was hospitalized for a bowel obstruction at age 6. He was on Miralax/Glycolax laxative daily (½ of 17mg) and 8-10 glasses of water daily for over 3 years and was told it may be on it for his entire life. What helped was having him sit on the toilet 15 minutes after he finished each meal. He even went to the nurse after lunch for 2 years. He eventually retrained his bowels and became regular at age 12. My now almost 11 year old son has the same problem but much worse than my oldest son had it. It is very frustrating. We did not know about "Soiling Solutions", but it's worth a try. A good daily probiotics should also help. I honestly believe what started it was them not wanting to stop gaming to go to the bathroom, not wanting to use strange bathrooms at school combined with extremely large stools and not wanting to plug a toilet. Both my sons well are adjusted, smart, talented, loving and extremely gifted with IQs over 150. It will eventually pass but not without a huge amount of patience and effort. Good luck.

[lmmgamomma]

sounds like he still has no parental guidance. You just resent the child and should be ashamed. Maybe he has aspergers syndrome. People like you and his other family should never be allowed to be near children.

[twinecho2]

I highly recommend you see a pediatric GI specialist who works with children with encopresis. Your doctor will not necessarily have the experience to help you.

You should get a formal diagnosis that explains she is incontinent and request a 504 Plan from your daughter's school to ensure they provide the necessary modifications and accommodations. This can include assistance with toileting, storing clothing for cleanup, or allowing incontinence pads such as Pull-ups in a classroom setting.

[basaraba]

So tonight I had a major mommy fail with my 8 year old daughter. We have been battling her soiling for what feels like forever. Before I get into today i have to back track to a few days ago when i got a phone call from the school because she had a really bad "accident" and I had o bring her new clothes and wipes to clean her up. I called the Dr. and got her in to see if we could try something new  as far as treatment goes and got shut down. Ugh big surprise. I feel like the Dr has no clue how hard this is for her considering she has been teased in the past at school because she smells.
any way back to tonight, she comes upstairs to get a bedtime story and I get that all to familiar smell, when I calmly ask her to go clean up she starts yelling, I instantly yell beck. I am loosing it and don't know what to do for her anymore. I feel so alone with all of this. I think the worst part is that my family looks at me like I am doing something wrong and they don't get it.

[pizzalady231]

i just wanted to say that i have a son that is 8 who also was almost soiling himself everyday. i was terrified of sending him to school. i managed the problem quite by accident. i put him on the toilet (with his ipad, otherwise he would not stay put) and within 5 minutes, he done his business. I put him on in the afternoon as well. its only when i forget that he soils himself. Its not a cure but i have managed him for the past few years. we call it the poopad. He was diagnosed with a distended bowel when he was 5, but i kept the laxative use at a minimum. hope this helps anyone?

[1204Always]

I learned that my daughter was born with a Tethered Cord and she will be 10 this year but because it wasn't discovered early on it is now (even though she had surgery to fix it) unfixable because it was found too late. The Tethered Cord (please research it) has caused her bladder not to grow and it can affect the bladder and bowels so she will be in a pullup for the rest of her life she has no feeling and goes constantly. The school had to put her on a 504 plan is a LAW in every State under ADAP (research that as well) Just the mention of it will get things going for you at the school. My daughter has access to the Teacher's Lounge where she has a private place to change her pull-up and is allowed  scheduled times to leave class to keep her from soiling herself and causing herself embarrassment. We don't know what goes on in our children's mind but if you add bullying to it for being different it'll only make it worse. It's hard for ppl on the outside to know you're doing all you can when they aren't faced with the same problem. Just keep praying and doing your best and know that you aren't alone. Don't give up!!! You're doing good :)

[Garzilla]

I happened upon this thread while I was commenting on another post and I could not help but read a number of the comments, so many made by parents that are clearly frustrated.

For me it is interesting to see the other side and to even look back into my childhood. I hope my perspective and insight will help someone.

Before I continue I will caution that my experience is not necessarily typical, but I am also aware of other cases that have been very similar to mine.

As I have looked back into my childhood there are certainly factors I can not account for because I can not remember the details of when I was 4 or 5 (for example) and some factors are just not easy to tie to other seemingly unrelated problems.

In any case, when I was a child I had a number of things going on that I know must have created a lot of grief for my parents. As I look back I attribute much of the root cause to a father that was verbally abusive and parents that had anger issues when something was out of place. One of my obvious issues was that of bedwetting. I soaked my bed with no personal protection (diaper, pullup, etc) nearly every night until I was over 12. I hated being wet and the entire ordeal was extremely distressing, yet I could not control the wetting, it just happened. I recall being yelled at, punished, even put in diapers during the day and sent out to play with friends. All of this was very hurtful.

I also had lots of issues with constipation. As I have researched and looked back at all of the factors of my childhood I believe this was one of the biggest clues I could have found. First, most of the constipation issue was gone by just after 12, and it is a well understood fact that constipation often leads to bedwetting.

I also had issues wetting and soiling during the day. Most of the involuntary incidents were gone by the time I was 14 or so. I attribute most of this to the fact that I refused to use the restroom at school. Usually I would make it to late in the day when I would have the accident late in the day. To this day I cant explain why but I do recall a certain amount of anxiety and fear. I feel much of the fear was related to some sort of embarrassment and shyness (I was also a very shy child).

I believe most of the constipation was the result of holding. Not only would I not want to use the toilet at school but I also remember (even at around age 5) wishing so bad that I could just have my diapers back. Again I can't fully explain why, but I know I would go into the bathroom and would simulate using a diaper to poop in the best I could. One of the problems was that I did not get this opportunity very often, but it was the only way I really wanted to GO. So I would hold it, and this would lead to more constipation and eventually an accident.

As I look back I do remember the emotion of when I voluntarily soiled myself, or when I wanted to. The best way I can describe the emotion is that of being safe, cared for, nurtured. I have come to understand that my behavior was very much so regressive. As I grew older this behavior actually got worse, to the point I was soiling myself several times a week. By the time I was 11 or so I had developed the skills to deal with the mess while concealing things most of the time. When I look back at this part of my childhood I can best remember the emotions that were involved, and here I realized another very important clue. During the vast majority of the incidents I had some sort of emotional stress, conflict or something similar happening and the result of me soiling (usually by this time in a diaper of some sort) brought me back to a place where I felt little, safe, nurtured, loved.

What I have learned. Obviously some children have a physical issue, but sometimes that issue is created by a developmental or even emotional issue. For me the behavior was very regressive, but I lacked the opportunity or life skills to deal with it so I ended up holding and chronically constipated. That regressive behavior was the coping mechanism I developed to deal with some pretty hard (for a child especially) issues. So stress, conflict, yelling, abuse, etc triggered my need to engage in the behavior. Interestingly, if my parents yelled at me for wetting or soiling myself it was enough to trigger the same behavior.

Through my childhood, teens, when I had an accident I would try to hide it and I would not talk when confronted. If my parents found my soiled diapers when I was a teen (this happened twice that I know of) I was severely punished and publicly humiliated over this by both of them, and I could never answer there questions. I was so fearful, embarrassed, confused because I did not understand why I was the way I was (at the time).

So when I read some of the comments I see extremely frustrated parents and I know there is a lot more to the story. Sometimes the issue is purely physical, sometimes it is medication related. But there are the cases where the emotional development of the child has taken an unusual turn. Not all cases involve the types of problems I encountered (like abuse, etc) but there is no doubt that an underlying issue exists. It could be as simple as a fear of the potty, or using a public restroom. It could also be triggered by divorce, loss of attention due to the birth of another child, or a huge number of other issues.

The solution. Even when the issue is diagnosed as physical you never know if there was, even at one time, an underlying emotional factor. If a child holds there is a reason, it might be irrational, but something has lead the the behavior. Of course there are a host of developmental, neurological, disability related, etc causes.

If I were to leave one piece of advice for parents it would be to love, nurture and protect your children. A child should never fear a parent, or the parents opinion of that child. Even when there is a problem, like soiling, it is so important to make sure these basic needs are met. Obviously soiling can be very distressing for parents and siblings, so care must be taken that this distress is never allowed to create new problems. Possibly most important is the point that children are far more sensitive to family problems than we might like to think. Arguments, yelling, conflict, fights, etc can happen but they are also going to affect the child. Death of a parent or sibling, separation of parents and divorce are also often big contributors to emotional issues. So when these things are unavoidable it is so important to look after the emotional needs of the children.

I really do hope this have given some useful insight. Children often do not share, or simply can not because of the extreme shame and embarrassment attached to something that they might not be able to control, and probably don't fully understand. One more important key revolves around this. When we attach so much shame to potty issues, including accidents, we only create more trouble for parent and child later on. I have seen many parents shame a child out of diapers, as part of potty training. To be sure this is not a good thing.

[introublefather13]

I really do feel helpless, as does my wife. My son will be 8 in 2 months and he wants to stop, he wants it to go away. He always says he does not feel it, but says that he is trying really hard. We want it to stop, not only for him, but for all of us. My wife is not his real mother and I feel terrible that she has come into our lives and has had to deal with it the entire time. We have tested everything, with nothing wrong. I don't know if anyone ever finds a solution, but I feel so sad for him.

[Lee_43]

Hi, I've read a lot of the posts on here and I can relate. I have a nine year son who wets his bed every night, has a wet patch on his underwear/trousers daily and poos him underwear 1-2 times week. I know with regards to him soiling himself it is not as bad as others, but I fear for him so much. I just want him to stop. He too is a smart fun loving boy with lots of friends at school. It hasn't got to the point where the school is involve because it mostly happens at home or with relatives. However the wet patch (where he holds his pee to the very very last minute) happens all the time. He is my only child and I just want the best for him. Ive tried punishment, behavioural chart, rewards and even guilt tripping him but I get nothing. The soiling his pant is what is the most heart breaking thing. When asked he said he doesn't know why and is happy to sit in or sleep in it. He is currently seeing a enuresis and taking desomelt for the bed wetting. He has been soiling him on and off since the age of six. Any sugesstions is much appreciated. Thanks

[greensgegs]

Wow this sounds just like my son that is 8yrs old and he has been pooping in his pants for the past year !  It just breaks my heart ! The good thing is I now don't feel like I am the only one out there that is dealing with this problem ,although it is overwhelming how many children do struggle with this!
I have now also started with the pull-ups as he does it in school and then stinks and we can't afford all the endless pants!
Let's hope we can all get our kids clean and pull-up free !
Good luck moms !

[lhox]

My 7 year old is soiling his pants since he was 4 he was potty trained at 2 and he was ok till he was 4. this is so frustrating he uses public transport to go to school and travels with his 16 year old sister now she's begging me to find another school for him because he's embarrassing her. I understand this and I tried finding a school for him but no luck now it's all I hear when I come from work how embarrassed she was how everyone was blocking their nose because of him. He looks like he doesn't care at all he washes his own messy clothes and himself now I don't know what to do. Especially to learn that there are 13 year olds who still does this.

[blondie11776]

Good morning! I am wondering how that program worked for you? I am willing to try anything at this point to help my son. :(

[blondie11776]

Your post gives me hope. I need to get my son through this and stand by his side. Thank you so much for sharing. I think we will try a medication of some sort- I think that may be his answer. He never has an accident if he has diarrhea (which isn't a lot). Yesterday, he fought me when I told him to "sit" and then he pooped so huge!!! How could he not go on his own when that huge thing was waiting to come out? Have his bowels become distended from having this problem for so long? I really need his pediatrician to listen-it might be time to switch doctors. IDK.

Thank you again for  your post. Suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[blondie11776]

Your response is very comforting. I am very sad for my 9 year old son- he says things like "I hate myself" and "i'm an idiot" when he has this problem. I wish he could talk to someone with the same problems as him and know there is hope out there. It affects every aspect of his life. When he is made to go, he goes and he is happy. The second he has an accident- his whole day is ruined. My heart breaks for my son. I am so worried.

[triciaguest84]

my 9 year old is messing his self its been happening for a few years with no sign of getting better.

[kanecharlotte22]

Hi!  I went through this with my child. She is ten years old. The thing that has worked for us has been a combination of enemas and prune juice!  We have used the fleet kind of enemas on her, but they are rather harsh and it was hard for her to hold them in. My mother in law advised using a good old fashion warm soapy kind. She was right!  Katilyn can hold them in a lot better. Less fuss is NICE!   We also turned to prune juice every night at the same hour. For us, we give it to her at 7:00pm every night.  The soapy enemas are given as needed. I use a small bulb syringe which Katie calls "the squeezer."  So. it has a name!   Good luck on what ever you decide!  Charlotte        ***@****

[Snatsy]

I personally think there is a difference between children who are constipated & it therefore is a medical issue, and others who can control it but choose not to. My son is 8 & this has been a constant issue since potty training. I finally thought we had cracked it when in August he started a new school. For 3 months he had no "accidents" & I can't tell you how relieved I was. Then last week to my dismay he started again. I'm devastated. But today I spoke to him & asked why he was doing it again. For the first time he explained that he enjoys the sensation he gets in his bottom when the poo moves in and out, so he is intentionally trying to push the faeces back & forth but inevitably at some point it comes out. I finally understand why he does it & although I'm still concerned he will continue at least I can see why. I have tried to explain that although it feels good that he mustn't do it because of germs, hygiene, smell, muscle damage etc. I just hope he can kick the habit again, & for good. I hope this might be an explanation for some other desperate parents out there.