9 year old son help

[Stressedin925]

My son is 9 years old and in 4th grade his stepdad has been in our lives for year the way that his step dad was raised as a little bit stricter than I and he has no kids of his own my son to say the very least walks all over me he's disrespectful mean has an attitude just doesn't care what anybody says or if he hurts anybody's feelings his step dad doesn't like that he does that he doesn't hit him but he does punish him and he makes him deal with his punishment there are times when he is angry and he scares the crap out of them by grabbing them and yelling in his face and tapping his forehead with his hat and then I end up yelling at him telling him to stop and it's just freaks out my son is there I really don't even know what my question is but can anybody help

[Nighthawk61]

First, i think you need to get your son to a therapist to help him learn how to treat people, or i think he'll have big problems in the future. I think you also need to find out through the child therapist how to best handle your son, while he goes through the adjustments of having therapy. I think it will bring you closer. That being said, how the boyfriend treats your son is only going to make your son's problems worse. What the boyfriend is doing is abusive and certainly it is not being a role model, which the boyfriend must tune into. I think if you brought your son to therapy and from that angle dealt with your boyfriend. ie. Therapist could talk to your boyfriend and get through to him that while it is good that he cares enough to try to get the son to treat his mother right, the way he's handling it can be counter productive. You mentioned that the boyfriend in your other post was inattentive, and now that you've talked about your son and the general vibe in the house with your son acting out all the time, i can see that your boyfriend may be trying to get away from it all by obsessing over his hobbies. Can you tell us why you think your son treats you this way? Also, is your son's father in the picture, does he regularly see your son? Was/Is there a problem of aggression with your son's biological father? How many children do you have? The aggression that the boyfriend is showing towards your son is only teaching him it's okay to act that way. You dearly need to have a therapist involved with your son. Don't be afraid , be brave and face the reasons for his actions head on. Remember always, Fortune favors the Brave. Does the boyfriend drink every day? Could his aggression be fueled by alcohol (or drugs).?

[Stressedin925]

His biological father is not I the picture he calls but then doesn't follow through. We split when our son was 2. I was in and out of my son's life from 2 to 7. I want able to cars for a child or myself he is now 9 going on 10 and i have been here for him everyday since he was 7. This is the first father figure other than his grandfather he has had. And you know grandparents they love to baby their grand babies. My son is an only child as well. His step dad talks about how his dad raised him and i find it to have been abusive. He tells me if his dad want like that he would have turned into a piece of **** that went nowhere in life.

[Nighthawk61]

Thanks for answering. A child that has missed both parents does have many challenges to overcome and i think that by you going to a Child Psychologist you'll be able to mend the problems that your absence has obviously created. Your son is living in the past and needs to learn to live in the present, with you now present. I don't think that you'll be able to get through to him yourself. I think probably the lion's share of aggression is aimed at you and your partner, but can morph into behavior that will negatively affect future relationships. You also need to learn how to not over compensate for the lost years.. by accepting the behaviors knowing where they're coming from and why. I know it will bring you closer , perhaps not immediately, but in time, he will realize that you are all in (to him). It takes years. I too, was separated from my son by my own doing (addiction) and it's taken years for him and i to get close. Finally. I think that by involving your partner, the psychologist will be able to get through to him that this is your son, not his, and if he's to be in his life, he needs to respect your parenting choices (not to have him raised as your partner was raised). On the other hand, it can and will hopefully open the dialogue so that you can understand and appreciate any of the good things that your partner can bring to the table. If it were me, in your situation, i would gracefully tell your partner that you have missed so much, that you know your child's actions are a result of your being missing, and you want to make the decisions, starting with help by way of therapy , to right the past and move forward to the present day. and living mindfully in the moment. I think that you need to take time with your son and let him know fully , that you want to make up for the missing years. Do you bring him swimming? Can you teach him how to swim, or do "laps" with him. My father was a simply awful man, but the one thing that i remember and am thankful for is his wanting to teach me stamina and determination, by (watching) while i swam 50 laps after school everyday.

When a kid misbehaves and shows anger towards you it might be natural to  back off and let him be, but it's even more important for you to do things with him, like go walking every night around the block with the dog, and stop by the park, etc. Walk to the store for groceries, bike to the store with him. The more active you are in participating in his life, (regardless of his loud bark) he will come to it that he has proof that you want to be with him. It's not enough to just put a roof over his head and let him be. You have to be uber active in you and he actively living together, not just be a paycheck to him. Can you say that you are doing things with him now? If not, this can be changed. You can make that change, but you only have until he's 18, then he's a man and can walk away. Please , don't miss your chance to mend your fences when you can. You'll always regret it more so than any partnership you have. Any man that truly loves you will back you up if you have a decent plan to get your son's heart back (not just his body). The most important thing you can do is to make sure that he attends and does well in school so that he is 100% capable and eligible of attending post secondary school. If you do these things, somewhere along the line he will thank you for you pushing him to keep in school, for the trips (even though he may fight you on it). I promise you. His bark is worse than his bite. The child is posturing with his aggression, he's just a little boy with a broken heart, and it is YOU who can mend it. If your partner makes this difficult, it's time to rethink whether you should have a man in your lie. You have a short window to save your son from a life of pain stemming from his humble beginnings. And i'm glad that he was looked after, but nobody replaces a mother's love, on top of the fact his dad is a deadbeat. He needs to be able to get close to you more than ever, because of his dad's inability. If you take this very seriously and see a Child Therapist, (to teach your son forgiveness and understanding, and compassion) with their help , you can maybe reach the bio dad and find a way to make him understand how devastating it is for this little boy to be abandoned by him. Your life has got to be all about making amends, as i said not by over compensating or allowing bad behavior (that's co-dependence), but with actions every day that force your boy into your company so he can begin to know you, and therefore begin to really love you. Right now, he doesn't know you, he only knows you abandoned him. I know all of this through experience with my own son whom i was out of his life for 5 years. Please take heed of this warning. Only you can fix this child's problems. If you can't get through to him, he'll end up just wishing you never came back. And that would be too sad for you both. I'm here to talk privately, although this is a good post for others in the same position to be able to read. So thank you for being honest and allowing others to give you their own experience, strength and hope.

If there is any kind of drinking or drug use (behavior that he will recognize as being under the influence, please make sure you do what you need to be become totally authentic to him, totally clean and sober and compassionate to his needs. If you do this, he will be the greatest love of your life. If you don't , he will still be the greatest love of your life,as it is for mother's and child , especially only children,  but you will experience hell on earth your whole life feeling like you didn't do enough.

You can do enough to get this child to love and respect you. I know you can. With help. I'm here anytime. Respect.

[Nighthawk61]

A big thank you for coming back and keeping the dialogue open, in order to get help for you and your son's relationship. I have learned the hard way with my son, and made mistakes i would gladly give my life, or take both my arms and legs off if i could only go back and do things differently. I know now where i went wrong, and if i can help you to avoid  the mistakes i made, and save you from any of the terrible heartache that i caused my son (and myself) from my own ability to see the bigger picture, i truly would. Please hear me when i tell you, you're at a cross roads right now. You can blame a 9 year old for bad behavior, and stay beholden to your "relationship" , or you can fully and forcibly take hold of the reigns of your life and mend your son so that he is able to go through life in a dignified and peaceful way. God forbid that he go by way of drugs and alcohol himself. He's so much more likely to do so because of you and his bio dad making the errors you did... please know how important it is for you to see that your boys actions are because he's hurting inside and just cannot express it any other way. Please find him an outlet through therapy to put a stop to the cycle of dysfunction. I was abused (akin to abandonment ) and fell right into abusive relationships (as all of my siblings did) and horrific addiction all because neither of my parent's had the gumption to accept their own mistakes and try to make right the devastating effects it had upon their children. Please, break this cycle of dysfunction.  I KNOW AND THERAPISTS KNOW YOU CAN DO IT.

Now, you need to believe what we believe. A Mother's Nature can heal all wounds of the child. You are strong and you can do this. You can have your child learn to love you again if you can only accept and understand that to him, he doesn't know you, and doesn't love you , not yet. It takes time for this to happen. in a way that he realizes that he does truly love you. it's hard to hear i know. i was told  by my son the hard facts. You can stop this from happening, because that will break your heart. He's 9, you can fix this, but if you don't, you'll have egregiously let down your only child and it will break both you, and your son's heart , more and more every day.

I truly believe in Cause and Effect, In Nurture vs. Nature. If you understand this , please accept my advice and know i'll be here for you til you and your boy are truly and fully reconnected in the way that will fix the past, and allow you both to live in the moment and make wonderful new memories, without his harbouring resentments that he can't even understand, (but will in the future.). You and he can both be proud of of the love you share., if you take the advice of others that learned the hard way. Do i sound passionate about this? Yeah, my boy is the love of my life and i  just about blew it all away due to my own ignorance. and denial.

Both you and your boy are in my thoughts and prayers.. As well as your boyfriend. I hope he can get with the program so to speak, and understand this little man is hurting in ways he has no idea , (he was raised by his dad you mentioned, what does he know of abandonment issues? Is he able to look at the bigger picture? it remains to be seen). I will pray for him to see the light of compassion that will be required to make a positive difference to this little boy.

Also, let your boyfriend know that you know your son is "acting out" because of the past, You know you need the help of a therapist to get through to your child before he 'acts out in his life that ruin his education, and relationships in the future Let him know you don't need his protection, you need him to back off and if he can't say something nice, dont' say anything at all. You've got this. If you act like a damsel in distress , this guy will jump on your little guy and make things worse. Don't play on these of his instincts. You can let him know it's okay to let you handle your son, if you get help you need. I fear that without therapy and a coach, you will not regain any significant relationship with your son. That would truly be tragic.

[specialmom]

This is a marital issue.  No way, EVER, would I allow a person to treat my child that way.  Grabbing, screaming and poking in the forehead . . . um, no way.  In a calm moment, you tell him that is OVER.  And mean it.  That should be a deal breaker.  I understand you are probably torn.  This is the stuff of movies.  But if you take a stand and do not allow someone mistreat them in this way--  they will always remember and appreciate this.  Watch the movie "This Boys Life" which is a film adaptation of a real life story of a boy who had a difficult step dad.  

would you be willing to leave your husband if he does not stop this behavior with your kids?