9 year old temper tantrums

Our 9 year old boy throws daily temper tantrums. My wife is at her limits dealing with him. It takes only the slightest thing to set him off, for example not being allowed to stay up late or not having the 'right' potato chips.
He'll scream and shout and kick anything within reach but after 10-15 minutes he'll be back to normal as if it had never happenned.

Curiously, he's very well behaved at school and is never in trouble but at home it's very different. His biological father is a violent manipulative person and we're scared he'll grow up the same. He doesn't act up for daddy because he's scared of making him angry.

His grandmother is very soft on him and babies him which I think is a big part of the problem.

How do we cope with his tantrums? Withdrawing the Xbox/allowance has had no effect. Should we mark T-3 or T-1 on the calendar in his room so he can see how many tantrums he's thrown on a particular day?

It's got to the point that his brother suffers too much by not getting treats/attention because his baby brother is so utterly demanding.

Is there any medication that would re-balance his temper?

[haydan]

Hi there,  I'm kind of in the same boat here, I have an eight year old daughter who is an excellent student never has any behavioral problems at school.  At home anything can set her off, and she is starting to talk back to me and is sometimes hateful to her younget sister and throws these tantrums with uncontrolable crying, for example the other night getting ready for bed she had to take a shower and wash her hair, she wanted to take one in my shower (she does sometimes)  we said no she can take one in their bathroom then started begging and whining then it turned into a crying tantrum, my husband put her in her room for 15 minutes, but you could her by the door, saying I'm sorry, I won't do it again, over and over.  I'm at a loss of what to do these days, so if anyone has advice or has been through this, please help us!

Thanks,
Nicole

[rjmhec]

You have described my eight year old daughter to a T!  My daughter does extremely well in school and when I question her teachers about her behaviour, they have nothing but positive feedback. When I explain her tantrums at home, they are always SO surprised and I'm sure they cannot picture the extent of it. Infact, unless you lived with us, I don't think anyone can quite understand what it is like.
Like your daughter, ours throws these tantrums over the slightest issue and at times it infuriates me, and at others I feel sorry and concerned for her. I don't know how to deal with it as we have tried everything we can think of. She is in a stable and secure home setting. Her three other siblings don't portray this type of behaviour and her dad and I are happily married. I don't know the cause or the actions to take and am at my wits end.

[Moonshadow0302]

I wish there was some help - I am at my wit's end too. My 9 year old daughter is exactly the same. She is a perfectly happy normal kid most times, but the smallest thing sends her into a sulk. At school she is perfectly normal, playing with her friends and is excellent at her studies. But when she gets home she starts fighting with her younger brother and generally making a nuisance of herself. She is a very loving child and I feel bad telling her off, but i have no idea how to handle this!!

[angelinamarina]

I am in the same boat with my 6 year old girl.  Only she gets angry and throws huge tantrums several times a day and HITS and scratches my husband and I.  She is HUGE for her age and we try to carry her to a time out in her room and almost fall down doing it every time.  She is completely out of control.  She recently started acting up a little at school even when we pick her up...she runs at us and starts asking for a new toy or something and obsessing and when we do not have one in the car she throws a raging fit kicking the seats and making a HUGE scene.  We took her to a doc and she is on meds but she still has these out of control rages.  We are concerned for her future. (and ours!)

[LadyLuck13]

To all, I would say that consistency in discipline is key. Meaning, if you say this will be the consequence, follow through. Don't give in. This does not mean you can't change your discipline, it simply means follow through on it. Then your child will know that you mean what you say and that those "will" be the consequences.

I have found personally that material punishment (taking away toys etc...) is not very affective. Isolation seems to work a lot better. Corners are great. Rooms can be, if frequently checked on to ensure no misconduct (don't go when they call for you when it is an obvious strive for attention). This does not mean go to your room and play with your toys there or read your books etc... They should be missing out on what they like to do and hopefully thinking about their behavior.

Another strategy is to empower your child. Tell them it is okay for them to be upset, or angry at the situation or you (whomever). Follow it up with, I just do not want to hear it. Tell them they can cry, I cry, everyone cries when they get upset and it is certainly okay for you to also. It is not okay for you to do it so loudly tho. Remind them that it is not okay to stomp around or slam doors, that is an escalation of bad behavior. Instead offer them another method of physical release from their frustrations. Blank paper and crayons.

Another alternative to the tantrum is to create a distraction. Even if it's completely bizarre, in fact often times that is more effective. You are taking that brief moment and diverting their attention to something else. It may not completely stop them from having a reaction to a given situation, but it gives that brief moment were they re-evaluate what they where doing just a moment before and gives them a chance to make a new choice. Instead of going back to what made them upset (though it may still be right there) I turn the attention back to something else, unrelated to what has upset them and hope that by the time we get back to what has sent them in to the near tantrum that it is a calm return with a happier outcome.

Sorry for the long winded response, but those are just a few tactics I have used for my now 9 year old who for all intents and purposes is well behaved.

[Bushmama]

I know it's been awhile since you posted this but I have an exact same situation with my 6 1/2 yr old daughter. I am wondering if things have improved in your household and how is your daughters behavior now that she is older?
Any information would be helpful. I feel like my situation will only get worse with age...especially the preteen/teen years.
HELP!
Anissa