I have a 9yr old daughter whom I adopted when she was 3. I adopted her by myself, there is no mother or female figure in her life, I am all she has. She is very smart and loving. She was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, the disinhibited type. She loves to sleep in my bed with me. I let her sleep with me 2-3 times a week. She pitches a little fit if I tell her to sleep in her own bed, but she will.
A little background....I grew up in a nudist/naturist family, nakedness is comfortable and something I introduced to her a long time ago. Now she is very comfortable with her body, she likes to sleep nude, in her bed or mine. I sleep with shorts on. She always asks to take showers with me too. Sometimes I let her but I always ask her if she's sure. I am comfortable with her openness, but realize at some point she will probably think it's all gross and stop. Should I put a stop to everything before she does? Nothing bad is happening, but will she grow up and regret what she's doing now, or resent me for letting it happen? I love spending time with her and bonding,as does she, but is she too old for this? I will answer any questions to shed more light on this, just not sure what to do.
I think that she is too old. My 3 year old (almost 4) still sleeps with us (I sleep with no shirt as does my husband) and she takes showers with both of us. She has not questioned either one of us on sexuality and so we just don't bring it up or make a big deal out of it so she won't recognize anything.
With that said however I think 5-6 is the limit on taking showers together as well as sleeping together. Also I personally would not allow my daughter to sleep nude if it was just her and her dad in the house period! The reasoning is because of other people more so. Just saying that if by chance someone found out (about any of this really), it could lead to her being taken away from you.
I'd tell her that now that she is soon to grow into a lady, it's time to stop. Tell her you're always there for cuddles, but that she's old enough to shower alone and it's time for her to not sleep with anyone in the nude, especially someone of the opposite sex even if it's just dad. I think that she'll do OK with that. (In other words, she probably won't freak out and won't be too sad though it might make her a little wistful.) She probably is merely used to the comfort of the snuggle and likes not to be alone at night, but she's old enough for sure to make the adjustment. Get her a nice, cuddly dog if that is a big issue, and let the dog sleep in her bed. :)
it would definetly be a good idea to make that change. A lot of people will judge and think the worst if that ever comes to light and she might get older and be a little disturbed by it herself. even if nothing bad happens, it is still strange to most and im sure you dont wont her too comfortable around other men that will have other agendas
How do I explain this to her, she see's nothing wrong with it. It's okay for her to sleep in my bed, just clothed? She is going through this period of anger over not having a mom, and she is real clingy at the same time.
I would say, there comes a time when little girls blossom into young women and at that time they should cover themselves and the same goes for boys too. She can learn to be comfortable with clothes on and it is your responsibility to make that happen. There is no need to go into great detail why this should happen. she will understand as time passes.
i know that might sound a little harsh to you sense you have grown up around this and are ok with it but for your own good and hers, it would be wise to stop this now. you lead by example and you can do this softly and calmly. tell her it is learning how to be humble and respectful to others.You might not agree with that but the courts would definetly see it that way.
Non matter how angry she is over not having a mom or clingy she is, it does not translate to "so she must be allowed to sleep naked in my bed." Please re-think your logic when you imply this.
Talk to some of the moms in your naturist community for their ideas on how to pass along the message of societal and sexual norms. Going around without clothes does not mean the other rules (such as incest taboos) all go away too. Pretty much every society in the world has incest taboos, even those that include a lot of nudity. You might need to make that distinction more clearly in your own head so you can make it clearly to her -- repeat to yourself, "Breaking some societal rules does not mean breaking all societal rules." If you had a naturist friend who said, "I don't see anything wrong driving 90 miles an hour in the neighborhood, after all, I'm breaking society's rules about wearing clothes and it's great, rules obviously don't matter," you'd know what to say. Get it clear in your own head, and you'll be able to make it clear to her.
Again, say you're always there for cuddling, but as she is growing, this is one place where she has to start to pull it together to be on her own.
Not only modesty, but some limits matter. She probably knows this already, I doubt she's telling her girlfriends at school that she sleeps naked with her dad, and that would be because she has already figured out that this would raise eyebrows. If she knows that, she isn't going to take the message badly from you.
The thing is, not only does society frown on this, but you should also, incest and the temptation to incest is something nobody should be interested in encouraging, even inadvertently. Kids are cuddly and great, and can ease a parent's loneliness. But never confuse comfort and cuddles with anything that crosses the line into a sexual nature. Some men (those extremists you read about) will claim that if a child is his child, he has the right to do anything he wants with her. This is an example of where someone has lost all sense of limits and normalcy. You don't want to even point that direction for one second. Again, ask the moms in your natualist circles how they explained things to their kids, balancing the desire that their children have healthful comfort with one's own body and the clear distinction that incest or allowing someone to be sexual with them is not part of "healthful comfort with one's body." Don't let your daughter grow up confusing comfort with nudity and the inability to say "no," or she'll have a whole lot of trouble in her relationships with men.
I put a stop to sleeping in my bed. I still lay with her in her bed and rub her back. Is that ok? I told her I probably won't be rubbing her back when she's older, she laughed and said she wants me to rub her back til she's 18. I said ok for now, but you'll be changing your mind when your older. Should I stop all physical contact with her except hugs? How can I help to make sure she will have positive relationships with men when she's older?
You absolutely MUST stop letting her sleep in your bed.
Also you MUST not show with her at this age.
I would strongly advise NOT to be around her when you are naked and not to encourage her to be naked around you, especially for significant amounts of time and when not dressing etc.
There is RAMPANT paranoia of child sexual abuse in this society.
Child Protection does not need strong evidence to act.
I have known people falsely accused of serious things for much less suspicious behavior.
Do you want to risk her being taken away from you?
I am sorry, perhaps you do have an entirely innocent open minded attitude towards nudity, but just what you have told me makes me have some worries and suspicions towards you. You are asking for trouble.
Stop now. Don't make a huge production out of it, say
"It's just a rule" or law, but make it sound serious, don't be washy washy.
The first time she mentions that she is sleeping with daddy to a girlfriend, who then tells her mama, things will get out of control fast.
It's not worth it. If you're a good daddy, and I'm sure you are, it's worth it to insist.
Explain these body parts are not bad or ugly or naughty. They're just private. Period!
Parenting is tough. You sound like you have her best interests at heart. Very admirable.
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