Abused/Neglected by Mom now lives with Dad

[tryingmybest]

We (My fiancee and I) now has custody of his 10 year old daughter.  After going through court for custody CPS stepped in and removed the child from the Mothers care and placed her with us.  We had visits 6 days every other week before this happend.  I also have a daughter who is 11 years old.  His daughter has no respect for anyone and makes excuses for everything she does.  She will argue with you over anything.  For years her Mom had her on ADHD meds and we disagreed that she is ADHD.  She has been diagnosed with ODD due to child neglect.  She hits people because they annoy her.  That is her excuse.  She thinks it is OK.  I talk to her and explain everything.  From why she is in trouble, why it is not excusable, and what if she was the other person (how it would make her feel).  This child is completely noncomplient.  She yells at you when you ask a simple question.  The worst part is WE are made to be the bad ones.  She thinks her Mother is "Gods gift".  She makes excuses for her Mother and says she feels sorry for her Mother.  Her Mother has 5 children total.  All of the children were removed.  His daughter acts like her Mother can do no wrong, yet when she lived at her Mothers house she would call us 2-3 times a week crying saying things like her Mom wasnt home and she is not allowed to go to bed until the whole house is clean because CPS was there that day.  Also things like they had no water and nothing to drink.  
We have her in counseling and it doesnt seem to help.  She has been in counseling for about 9 months now.  I am out of ideas.  She shows no remorse.  She just doesnt care and admits it proudly.  It is awful and I am afraid it is affecting my daughter in a bad way.  I am so busy explaining the whys to his daughter, I feel that my daughter feels left out because she would never treat people that way.  
How do you teach someone that doesnt care?  How do you help someone who sees nothing wrong with what they are doing?  Or for that matter how do teach someone that her Mothers way of doing things is NOT the right way.

[margypops]

I have to say it there is a strong need here for better Child/Parent interaction,this child has been through a lot in her short life and she needs lots of Care and attention,perhaps you could cut her some slack and over look any minor detials, what does her Dad say could he do more with her , he needs to be more active with his daughter and not leave it to you.She probably does care but has been so let down its easier for her  to say that she doesnt care , Possibly as it has been so Traumatic some Family councelling is called for.Do you give her the same care as your other Daughter, it is time her  dad got involved.

[tryingmybest]

Dad is involved as much as me.  We are doing family counceling without my daughter.  I treat them equally. I have been with her Father for almost 10 years.  We take turns taking the girls out on alone time and have taken it easy on his daughter because of the circumstances.  Taking it easy on her is not working.  Her Father and I have tried everything we can think of.  She is very smart but also very inmature.  Any advice ?

[RockRose]

First,  don't try to convince her that her mother does things the "wrong way".    That only hurts her worse - she's bonded to her mother,  that's the awful hand of cards this girl was dealt at birth and your fiance was the one who dealt her that hand.  Sorry to be loud and rude about it.  

The doctor wouldn't diagnose her as having "ODD due to neglect".  In fact,  a finding of neglect would cause him not to diagnose with ODD.  When a child is diagnosed with ADD,  ADHD,  ODD,  etc., the environment is looked at,  and if it's sufficiently negative to cause a normal child to act out,  the child isn't diagnosed with the disorder.  They are found to be neglected/in need of counseling/therapy,  other stuff than a diagnosis.

You're right - the fact that she doesn't care about what happens to her is the worst enemy you face.  A child who doesn't care about anything is totally lost and adrift.

I agree with Margypops,  just love her right now and see where that goes.  Don't just love her to make your rules work,  and her behavior tolerable,   love to heal her.  For her,  not so she'll be easier to live with.  For her.  To make her feel good.

Best wishes.  This sounds really difficult,  but I think you either need to be up to faking that you love her (smile at her a lot,  listen with a pleasant face when she talks to you,  greet her enthusiastically when she comes home,  share stories from your childhood how you are like her (that are positive warm stories) - act like you really like her and want her,  and her behavior will be better).  Taking it easy on correcting her isn't enough.

[RockRose]

I realize that post came off as preachy.

Let me add this.   I teach 7/8th grade Sunday school.  MAN,  there are some tricky kids in 7 and 8th grade!  I have found over time that what works wonders is when there is a child who I really don't care for,  they are disruptive,  rude,  loud,  whatever the behavior,  I just imagine what I can do to make them feel more welcome and liked.  That's all.  Not "more welcome and liked so they will stop popping off",  but "more welcome and liked so they will be happier in Sunday School."  It is amazing,  how few Sundays it takes to take a child who is a disruption and turn them into a cooperative (although usually highly enegergized and still challenging) student.  Just by greeting them warmly,  remembering something they talked about before and asking how that went,  and mostly,  holding their gaze with a smile on my face.  Really acting like I like them and looked forward to seeing them.   The transformation is quick,  and although they don't turn into the most model kid, they are certainly tolerable - and their energy is focused on participating and not disrupting.  

Just think "what can I do to make her feel better".  And leave it there without the "so she will behave".  

[tryingmybest]

Thank you.  I dont need to act like I love her.  I do love her.  I felt sorry for her for years.  Than I realized that feeling sorry for her wasnt helping her.  She is not a bad child she just makes bad choices in the way she reacts to situations.
I want her to have a normal life.  Her attitude is affecting making friends.  She is very smart.  She just chooses to use it for the wrong reasons (to belittle others).  I understand what you are saying about her Mother and I will try a different method.  
About the ADHD, her Mother is the one who took her to get diagnosed with that.  She put the child on meds so she didnt have to deal with her behavior.  We have since had another doctor say that she is not ADHD and it is behavior problems due to the situation she was in.  Her primary doctor also said the same (she has seen her since birth).  I am hoping and wishing for the best.  It is just very difficult to deal with the disrespect and yelling for no apparent reason.

Thank you.  If you have anymore advice I would love to hear it.

[margypops]

On rereading these Posts I think if you just cut her some slack, back off on any rules and do not  worry if she makes friend s or not,you say you want her to live a :Normal" life maybe she is doing that in her eyes, but not in yours .It is also Normal and good she is protective about her Mother.I still think it is your interaction with her that is the problem, and her Dad should be involved ,more Games more Fun, activitys both girls enjoy and less emphasis on Problems,