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Concerned about my 8 year old boy.
by Reya104, Oct 24, 2008 09:56AM
This requires quite a back story, and I apologize if I seem to ramble, but I think its necessary to fully understand whats going on now.
I had my son when I was 17. His father was never really around that much, so all he ever knew was me and my family. I got married when my son was about 2 years old. He started calling my husband "daddy" with no prompting from either of us. I never stopped him because I never thought his biological father would show his face again. Not too long after his brother was born, when my son was about 3-4, he would get angry/frustrated and slap himself in the face or pull his hair. He would never take his aggression out on anyone but himself. My husband and I worked hard to try to get to the bottom of it. We genuinely thought it had something to do with the fact that he now had a little brother and just wanted attention. We never rewarded that behavior though. His father would show up sporadically for birthdays and such and his own son called him "Uncle". We agreed it would be easiest that way, as my husband was all he ever knew as a father. He never called much and as stated before, would only come around when convienent for him.
*deep sigh*
The anger seemed to fade over the years and we forgot about it completely, chalking it up to being "just a phase". My husband and I seperated about two years ago. About that time, my sons father decided to make a grand appearance back into his life. He demanded that I tell my son that he was his "real" father. I was strongly against just sitting my son down and telling him this, because he's a very tenter hearted boy and I didnt want to traumatize him. I wanted to take him to a mediator of sorts and gently expose him to these facts. Lo and behold, our children are smarter than we give them credit for. He came to me one afternoon (at 7 years old) and asked if the man he knew as daddy was his step dad. We sat down and talked about what a step dad was, and why he thought this. I asked him why he thought this and he said "Because momma, I don't look like daddy. I look a little like you and a little like my uncle." At this point, I could have taken the whole "families look alike" route and left it as it was, but I figured if he was old enough to ask me such a detailed question, the least I could do is have the respect to answer it truthfully.
With his father coming back into play, so has the anger and aggression. He now has another little brother, this one from his father. His father and his new sons mother have split up and he's dating a new woman. My son doesnt like her because he drags him to her house and takes away the time he is supposed to be spending with him. He only sees him twice a month, and none of it is court ordered. So, technically I don't have to let him go, I feel it would be unfair to my son to not let him see his father.
I've spoken to him about this and told him I would appreciate it if he wouldnt bring strange women in and out of his life. That, while he will inevitably learn this behavior from his peers, I think its best if he not learn it from his father. I've tried to reason with this man on several occasions, to no avail. He's told me that he feels terrible for walking out on him and is trying to make it right with his new son. This completely floored me, because his new son isint the one he should be making up time with. My son is missing out on time with his father because he would rather spend the night with his girlfriend and pawn my son off on his mother than spend time with him.
So long story short, (I'm terribly sorry for my life story) my sons aggression and anger has come back full force and while he still isint directing any of this hostility towards me or his brother, I'm still very concerned. He's never had an issue at school. He's bossy to his brother here and he gets angry at the smallest things. Is this just typical first born behavior or is this something deeper? I've asked the school psychologist to work with him, because he just wont open up to me. I'm very scared that this could manifest into something so much worse as he gets older. He is by no means a small boy (nearly five feet tall and almost 100 pounds), and while I'm not fearful of him now, I want to get some answers before its too late.
Please. Anyone. Help me.
I had my son when I was 17. His father was never really around that much, so all he ever knew was me and my family. I got married when my son was about 2 years old. He started calling my husband "daddy" with no prompting from either of us. I never stopped him because I never thought his biological father would show his face again. Not too long after his brother was born, when my son was about 3-4, he would get angry/frustrated and slap himself in the face or pull his hair. He would never take his aggression out on anyone but himself. My husband and I worked hard to try to get to the bottom of it. We genuinely thought it had something to do with the fact that he now had a little brother and just wanted attention. We never rewarded that behavior though. His father would show up sporadically for birthdays and such and his own son called him "Uncle". We agreed it would be easiest that way, as my husband was all he ever knew as a father. He never called much and as stated before, would only come around when convienent for him.
*deep sigh*
The anger seemed to fade over the years and we forgot about it completely, chalking it up to being "just a phase". My husband and I seperated about two years ago. About that time, my sons father decided to make a grand appearance back into his life. He demanded that I tell my son that he was his "real" father. I was strongly against just sitting my son down and telling him this, because he's a very tenter hearted boy and I didnt want to traumatize him. I wanted to take him to a mediator of sorts and gently expose him to these facts. Lo and behold, our children are smarter than we give them credit for. He came to me one afternoon (at 7 years old) and asked if the man he knew as daddy was his step dad. We sat down and talked about what a step dad was, and why he thought this. I asked him why he thought this and he said "Because momma, I don't look like daddy. I look a little like you and a little like my uncle." At this point, I could have taken the whole "families look alike" route and left it as it was, but I figured if he was old enough to ask me such a detailed question, the least I could do is have the respect to answer it truthfully.
With his father coming back into play, so has the anger and aggression. He now has another little brother, this one from his father. His father and his new sons mother have split up and he's dating a new woman. My son doesnt like her because he drags him to her house and takes away the time he is supposed to be spending with him. He only sees him twice a month, and none of it is court ordered. So, technically I don't have to let him go, I feel it would be unfair to my son to not let him see his father.
I've spoken to him about this and told him I would appreciate it if he wouldnt bring strange women in and out of his life. That, while he will inevitably learn this behavior from his peers, I think its best if he not learn it from his father. I've tried to reason with this man on several occasions, to no avail. He's told me that he feels terrible for walking out on him and is trying to make it right with his new son. This completely floored me, because his new son isint the one he should be making up time with. My son is missing out on time with his father because he would rather spend the night with his girlfriend and pawn my son off on his mother than spend time with him.
So long story short, (I'm terribly sorry for my life story) my sons aggression and anger has come back full force and while he still isint directing any of this hostility towards me or his brother, I'm still very concerned. He's never had an issue at school. He's bossy to his brother here and he gets angry at the smallest things. Is this just typical first born behavior or is this something deeper? I've asked the school psychologist to work with him, because he just wont open up to me. I'm very scared that this could manifest into something so much worse as he gets older. He is by no means a small boy (nearly five feet tall and almost 100 pounds), and while I'm not fearful of him now, I want to get some answers before its too late.
Please. Anyone. Help me.
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