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HELP!
Hi there! I need help!!! This is going to be a long one, so get ready!!
I am 25 years old and just got engaged. My fiance has a 9 year old daughter. Let me give you a little history on her. Her mother was a drug addict who had 3 kids with 3 different men. My fiance got involved with her when his daughter was about 2, and he adopted her (he is not the biological father). He left her mother a year later, and shortly thereafter, all 3 kids got taken away from the mother by the state due to neglect and abuse. They all went to live with family members on their respective fathers side. My fiance's parents took his daughter in due to the fact that he was young and not really ready and stable to be a single father. Over the years, the BM has floated in and out of her life, gotten worse into drugs, and just recently passed away due to an overdose after not speaking or seeing her in 8 months. We are supposed to be getting full custody of her this summer.
Now here are my issues. I try so hard to find it in my heart to unconditionally love her and have patience for her....but it is SO hard. She has been babied for the past 6 years by EVERYONE trying to overcompensate for her first 3 years. She has EVERYTHING done for her. She talks in this little baby voice when she isnt getting her way, and everyone-except me- eats it up. She also the most manipulative little girl I have ever met. When people are around, she is the SWEETEST thing you will ever meet, but when it is just her and I, she turns into this spiteful, mean little girl. She is also a pathological liar. She lies to me, she lies to her father about me, she will even lie to him right in front of me saying that I am lying about something she said or did. She is 9 years old and BOY CRAZY. I catch her all the time pulling her shirts up so her tummy shows, or pulling her shorts up so her butt hangs out. I ask her about this and she tells me she thinks its cute and that she wants boys to look at her. She plays her father, and she tries to play me. When she is in trouble, she blames all of her actions on her mother, and she tries to cry and literally CLIMB up me saying "but I love you!" to get out of it. She tries to call me "mommy" when she is trouble b/c she thinks I will cave. I cant stand it. She is so self centered. She stares out herself for hours in the mirror pushing her chest out and making pouty lips. When my nephews are around, she is constantly touching them, trying to rub their backs, massage their shoulders, and get their attention. She is also very bossy, and rude to the other girls.
I address these things with my fiance, and he says I need to lighten up b/c she has him so wrapped. His parents think she can do no wrong, and give into her so easily, so it is a losing battle that I feel like I am fighting alone.
I just found out I am pregnant. Now she is saying that I am having HER baby, and that the baby better be a girl, and she wants to name it, and it is going to sleep in HER room, and she is going to feed it, change it, do EVERYTHING for it. Everyone thinks its cute that she "wants to help" but I just feel like she is trying to take over. And honestly, I hope it is NOT a girl because I dont want her looking up to her big sister.
She also has demanded to stand up with me in the wedding, insists on wearing a white dress that looks like a wedding gown, and is trying to pick my colors.
She always tries to compete with me for my fiances attention. If he is giving me any sort of attention, she comes over and gets in his face and wants hugs and kisses. If we are hugging, she comes over and gets in between us. I feel like when she is here, him and I cant be affectionate.
There is so much more I have to deal with, but I am just going to highlight these main ones. If she is going be living here full time, I need to learn how to deal with this. When she is here on the weekends, I am so stressed out, and I know it causes some problems for my fiance and I.
Please help!! Any and all advice would be SOOOO appreciated.
I am 25 years old and just got engaged. My fiance has a 9 year old daughter. Let me give you a little history on her. Her mother was a drug addict who had 3 kids with 3 different men. My fiance got involved with her when his daughter was about 2, and he adopted her (he is not the biological father). He left her mother a year later, and shortly thereafter, all 3 kids got taken away from the mother by the state due to neglect and abuse. They all went to live with family members on their respective fathers side. My fiance's parents took his daughter in due to the fact that he was young and not really ready and stable to be a single father. Over the years, the BM has floated in and out of her life, gotten worse into drugs, and just recently passed away due to an overdose after not speaking or seeing her in 8 months. We are supposed to be getting full custody of her this summer.
Now here are my issues. I try so hard to find it in my heart to unconditionally love her and have patience for her....but it is SO hard. She has been babied for the past 6 years by EVERYONE trying to overcompensate for her first 3 years. She has EVERYTHING done for her. She talks in this little baby voice when she isnt getting her way, and everyone-except me- eats it up. She also the most manipulative little girl I have ever met. When people are around, she is the SWEETEST thing you will ever meet, but when it is just her and I, she turns into this spiteful, mean little girl. She is also a pathological liar. She lies to me, she lies to her father about me, she will even lie to him right in front of me saying that I am lying about something she said or did. She is 9 years old and BOY CRAZY. I catch her all the time pulling her shirts up so her tummy shows, or pulling her shorts up so her butt hangs out. I ask her about this and she tells me she thinks its cute and that she wants boys to look at her. She plays her father, and she tries to play me. When she is in trouble, she blames all of her actions on her mother, and she tries to cry and literally CLIMB up me saying "but I love you!" to get out of it. She tries to call me "mommy" when she is trouble b/c she thinks I will cave. I cant stand it. She is so self centered. She stares out herself for hours in the mirror pushing her chest out and making pouty lips. When my nephews are around, she is constantly touching them, trying to rub their backs, massage their shoulders, and get their attention. She is also very bossy, and rude to the other girls.
I address these things with my fiance, and he says I need to lighten up b/c she has him so wrapped. His parents think she can do no wrong, and give into her so easily, so it is a losing battle that I feel like I am fighting alone.
I just found out I am pregnant. Now she is saying that I am having HER baby, and that the baby better be a girl, and she wants to name it, and it is going to sleep in HER room, and she is going to feed it, change it, do EVERYTHING for it. Everyone thinks its cute that she "wants to help" but I just feel like she is trying to take over. And honestly, I hope it is NOT a girl because I dont want her looking up to her big sister.
She also has demanded to stand up with me in the wedding, insists on wearing a white dress that looks like a wedding gown, and is trying to pick my colors.
She always tries to compete with me for my fiances attention. If he is giving me any sort of attention, she comes over and gets in his face and wants hugs and kisses. If we are hugging, she comes over and gets in between us. I feel like when she is here, him and I cant be affectionate.
There is so much more I have to deal with, but I am just going to highlight these main ones. If she is going be living here full time, I need to learn how to deal with this. When she is here on the weekends, I am so stressed out, and I know it causes some problems for my fiance and I.
Please help!! Any and all advice would be SOOOO appreciated.
She's lost. Looking to fit in. Even with doting. I'm sure even as a child she's overheard the adult convo's. Heard about her BM. Been apart from your soon to be hubby, her daddy. She may see your child as a replacement or that it is more important because it is his "real" baby.
Bottom line - she is insecure. (the attention seeking-clothing issues-even bad attention is attention) Wouldn't hurt to have her talk to a counselor. Catch any problems she is maybe hiding now before they get worse and you find her posting on the depression boards in a few yrs. (jump over there and read a few)
Bottom line - she is insecure. (the attention seeking-clothing issues-even bad attention is attention) Wouldn't hurt to have her talk to a counselor. Catch any problems she is maybe hiding now before they get worse and you find her posting on the depression boards in a few yrs. (jump over there and read a few)
Have you ever thought that maybe she is trying to connect with you? Instead of thinking of her as competition with your fiance--think of her as a child.
She wants to be a part of your wedding because she wants to be special to you--why don't you tell her that brides wear a certain dress--but that her special daughter gets to wear a special dress of another kind? You can take her out and shop together.
Some girls are attracted to boys at a young age--you are judging her based on her mother's life-- a life you think very little of. Why don't you talk to her about how girls are supposed to act around boys?
She desperately wants a mother figure--and she even wants to be one to your baby. It is natural for older daughters to want to take care of the new baby--my daughter did. She was so excited about the new baby and how it was going to sleep with her and all of that. Reality changes things as she realized new babies aren't that much fun--but now that the baby is a toddler--they have lots of fun.
To me, it looks like you have judged that this girl will grow into what her mother was--a drug addict. She may have learned manipulative behaviors from her mother--not understanding fully what that means--drug addicts can be manipulative. She was just following the mother she knew. You are her mother now and you have a choice to help her or not.
If you don't want to be her mother--move on and find another man. This man has a daughter attached--a daughter with special needs and concerns given the tragic loss of her mother.
Congratulations on your pregnancy--I hope things work out for you.
She wants to be a part of your wedding because she wants to be special to you--why don't you tell her that brides wear a certain dress--but that her special daughter gets to wear a special dress of another kind? You can take her out and shop together.
Some girls are attracted to boys at a young age--you are judging her based on her mother's life-- a life you think very little of. Why don't you talk to her about how girls are supposed to act around boys?
She desperately wants a mother figure--and she even wants to be one to your baby. It is natural for older daughters to want to take care of the new baby--my daughter did. She was so excited about the new baby and how it was going to sleep with her and all of that. Reality changes things as she realized new babies aren't that much fun--but now that the baby is a toddler--they have lots of fun.
To me, it looks like you have judged that this girl will grow into what her mother was--a drug addict. She may have learned manipulative behaviors from her mother--not understanding fully what that means--drug addicts can be manipulative. She was just following the mother she knew. You are her mother now and you have a choice to help her or not.
If you don't want to be her mother--move on and find another man. This man has a daughter attached--a daughter with special needs and concerns given the tragic loss of her mother.
Congratulations on your pregnancy--I hope things work out for you.
She may not be competing so much when she has him there all the time just like he may not be so wrapped around her little finger then either. Weekend parents (my husband is one) tend to think that they need to make up for things they "miss out on" during the week. It will change once she's there full time. Also, try not to say too much about the baby with her just that she's going to be the big sister. She may really just be excited and when I was that age I was like that but the bottom line is this, if she's that self centered then DON'T WORRY about it because a few stinky diapers or baby spit up and she'll be done with the baby. Just give some adjustment time and see what happens. Also this is your first child and deep down you are going to feel like you are kind of missing out on the first with your husband to be. It's natural, and your emotions are going to be insane and add a child with "issues" and you have every right to feel this way. Just try to include her in the wedding plans that YOU feel comfortable including her in. This day is yours and your husband's day NOT HERS enjoy it and the love will come, eventually. She needs to get counseling tho and that is a must. Good Luck
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