How can it work?

[gettingtiredoftrying]

I need help or advice on how to deal with our children getting along, My husband and I have one daughter whom is 4 years old she is our only child together.  From a previous relationship almost 12 or 13 years ago we had just found out that my husband has a son as well we have confirmed with the necessary tests and on December 16, 2008 this son was given to us.  His mother has signed him away and just sent him here by plane with only one pair of clothes, no toiletry products and massive emotional issues.  Now we have accepted him into our family we have opened our home to him and he has never been nice, he cries if we ask him to do anything like take a shower or brush his teeth, he is very shy, he takes his food and runs to corners to eat it, he starts to sleep on a bed but by 3 or 4am this child moves to the floor always in the kitchen or bath tub mats.  he also has extreme skin irritations and we have tried on more then one occasion to get him into the hospital and have met extreme battle with him.  Now we have enrolled him here to start school and he is just not having a good time, he doesn't even try a whole day, the school is so helpful and is trying everything to make his stay happy.  He does not like to dress for p.e class he hates when girls are around him or near him when he eats.  He will not eat at the lunch dining area and takes off most of the time he is starving but its because he won't eat.  Another huge problem is our daughter she has accepted him right away and just adores the kid, she offers him toys, she shares her dvd's and even games, she always tries to help him eat and sit with us at the couch but he has taken it all so harsh, he pushes her, he pinches at her and even growls at her sometimes, his dad and I have tried so many things we have even sought out spiritual help, we have sat with family counselors, school counselors, and he just won't budge in the nice area.  What can we do or try that will make him be or at the very least PLAY nice with our daughter?  We worry about her safety and feel that we can't let them be around each other but how are we all suppose to live if we can't all be around each other, together and not always separated?  Please HELP?

[gettingtiredoftrying]

Thank you so much for the words, I have been just venting and I seriously ended up living in a area where my neighbors have no problems with their kids, nothing like this, even at school they are trying things left and right, today was a huge leap for all of us as he had thrown food at both my husband and me when he said he didn't want it because it wasn't warm it was hot.  Oh my gosh we have been tested, but we couldn't possible give up, we want to seek as much advice as we can, I have looked into the RAD and see many of the symptoms listed as  he demonstrates them.  We are going to seek additional psychiatric help also.  Gosh this was so unexpected but now that we have set our feet in the water we couldn't possibly not get wet.  Thank you so much, M

[babygirl6152]

maybe read up on Reactive Attachment Disorder- just a thought

[KatEyes]

Difficult situation - and not what you signed up for - right? I agree that it is important that he be observed to assure he does not treat his little sister mean. How much do you know about his past and what all this poor kid has been subjected to and/or exposed to? I mean, was his mother the problem or did she give him up because she couldn't handle him? What is the history behind his specific behaviors? Are there mental issues that need to be addressed or is he the victim of poor treatment and needs to work thru the results? It can't be easy for him trying to deal with his mother signing him over to a father and family he doesn't know.

You mentioned spiritual help and family counselors, but didn't mention a psychiatrist. It seems your stepson's challenges may require more in depth help. If for some reason you have reservations about seeing a psychiatrist, maybe seek out one with like spiritual beliefs. It's probably going to take lots of time and guidance to help this child adjust and to help you and your husband best deal with the situation.

When I married I expected my husband to treat my daughter the same as the child we were having together. It was more than rocky at first. He said the turning point for him came when he realized he wanted to treat her the way he would want his daughter to be treated by a steparent if anything ever happened to him. He died within months of that, and I'm glad those months left my daughter with good feelings about the man she knew as 'Daddy'.

Give your husband's son every chance you'd want your daughter to be given in another circumstance.That's all I've got. This may not be what you signed up for, but life seldom orders itself by our plans. I'm sure you are tired of trying. The only thing worse than being you right now is being him. You may have to remind yourself of that a dozen times a day. Unless there is an issue of actual danger, please find it within yourself to give this child a chance at a loving stable home life, and a chance to experience a mother who will not give up on him.

[Darkestlight]

I dont know what happened to him in the past, but it sounds like he needs some intensive therapy.