How to handle Friends

[sunoryn]

Hello,

I have a beautiful, 7 year old daughter adopted from Russia.  She has been diagnosed with ADHD, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome among possible other drug use in vitro.  She was abandoned twice by her birth mom before the age of one and in an orphanage in Russia until about the age of two.  We adopted her and divorced less that a year later. We have joint custody almost 50/50. She is physically healthy and learns very well.  She seems a little immature for her age more like a 5-6 year old.  My question is; she is making friends that are one year older that her and much more mature. They accept her and will allow her to be friend but it seems everyday she hangs out with them she always seem to make them mad with her demands and aggressiveness when they don't give into her. She will says and do things to hurt their feelings.  They finally don't want to be friends anymore.  What should I do?  I hate to see her try to make all these friends only to have it all go south.   I need help to allow my daughter to succeed.  Please help.  

[sunoryn]

Thank you for all the kind words and great ideas.  I'm currently looking into some ADHD groups for myself to understand her better as I think that has something to do with this issue.  She is in Girlscouts and that is good but only once a month.  We have gotten her into other activities but she cannot stay focused on them and has trouble.  I have had several playdates with her at my house, but what seems to happen that the two girls wants to do totally separate things.  The other girls will do what my daughter wants and then when we do what the other girls wants it's harder.  We get through it but it's hard.  I don't have the an issue to much there with her friend leaving at that time.  It seems when thay are playing outside or at the pool and all of a sudden I hear the other girls say she doesn't want to be friends.  I have no idea what was said even though I'm there.  I ask her if she wants to talk about it but she does not. She will even bully sometimes and I have to stop her and that will set off another chain of events.   It's so very hard to keep up with her.  She will switch direction every 15 minutes.  We always do things together to build the bonds but it seems she can only focus on one thing for about 1/2 hour,  even with friends.  

Thank you again,
Rod

[specialmom]

Well, I'm glad that you were able to give this girl a home.  I'm sorry about the divorce though.  A lot of work creating a family to break it apart. But such is life as it is still better than what she had.  50/50 custody is probably not a great idea but I won't get involved with your custody.  I just think that kids --------- and especially one with such issues as she has-------------- needs lots of security and stability and routine.  I'm sure you and your X are providing that.  Make sure you are communicating effectively to provide this stability.

So, my son has sensory integration disorder . . . cousin to the things you've listed as your daughter having.  Social skill issues are often a problem for kids like ours.  I'd suggest looking into what your community offers.  We had our son do a social skills camp run through an occupational therapists office.  It was 6 weeks and focused on how to be a good friend.  It was awesome.  I've seen similar things run through our children's hospital and at large child centers that provide counseling to kids.  So, search your area for what kinds of camps or classes you can find and enroll her.

It does take some skill to have friends.  Kids with developmental delays tend to be quite inflexible and controlling and that is actually a coping mechanism for the delay.  They also lack that filter that others have.

We use the concept of a thought bubble for our 6 year old son.  He can think whatever he wants-------- but he CAN NOT say it.  He can put it in a thought bubble though and it is still there he just hasn't said it.  We also talk about people as having buckets.  You can use your words to fill up someone's bucket (make them feel good) or empty their bucket (mean things, make them feel bad).  Our own bucket goes the same way theirs does.  If we say nice things and make someone feel good, we feel good.  We are mean, we will feel bad.  We force the issue of fairness.  He must take turns.  We tell him that he must stop when others are talking until it is his turn again.  We tell him that he gets a chance to make the plan of what to do but then it is someone else's turn.  We make this a rule at home and we practice it with him.  He has to give me (his mom) a turn choosing our game so that he gets use to  not always being in charge.  
The dynamics of friendship---------- eye contact, listening, personal space all should be looked at as well.

I'd work with her school counselor next school year.  They may have some friends groups they run or ways to help kids build friendships.  And I would get her signed up for some group things in which she is busy during them and free time is at a minimum.  Then she is interacting and practicing social skills without it being a free for all where things can go bad.  Girl Scouts are good, soccer is good, etc.

Talk to her about "being a good friend".  Make this part of her motivation with other kids.

I'd set up a one on one play date at your house with someone HER age.  You supervise the whole time and plan things for them to do with you.  Do a craft, bake some cookies, play a game together, and when they are off playing barbies or whatever.  You are right there to help guide her.    

Well, good luck to you and your daughter!