I am on the verge on the giving up my child...HELP

MOTHER GIVING UP CHILD - MAYBE???? HLEP!!


Hello,

I am in a real pickle, this pickle is so jammed that the lid won't even come off.  I NEED EVERYONES COMMENtS, SUGGESTIONS, VIEWS, honesty, both good and very critical.

It started back when my baby was born, the father was not a father and I supported the three of us for a year and a half....during that time, I attmepted suicide, for two reasons, one because of issues I could not put my finger on with my Mom, and secondly, because of the stress of living with my ex...then I moved home....with my Mom.

I stayed there for over 8 years, I worked while she watched my daughter.  I had no social life, only bingo with my Mom and maybe once a year I went for coffee with my only friend of 27 years.  No men, no drinking, no drugs, (not that that was ever an issue).

During the first 5 years, I put up with MASSIVE emotional abuse from my Mom, everyday, her telling me that I was not a good mother, I am crazy, mental, etc., and literally, EVERYTHING I did was wrong, right down to putting the silerware in the drying wrong, because if I put the knives facing down, (which I did for safety), I was wrong and held responsible due to the fact that they 'might' rust, I walked into the room, and I was too loud, (my steps, I mean), or if I didn't say anything, I was wrong and being secretive.  That sort of thing, however, on the flip side....

My mom is clinically disabled.  Although she motors around her place quite fine, so it appears, she was/is in a lot of pain, DDD, fibromylagia (fibromyalgia), arthitis of every sort, chrohns disease, etc.  So I would massage her quite frequently.  3-4 a week.  That would redeem me in her eyes.  I bent over backwards to accommodate her every need.  If she didn't like my hours at work, I would find another job, or if she felt that she was not getting paid enough, I would up her wage for babysitting and expect less responsibilities from her, ie.  I would make the dinner when I came home at 6pm, I would be late for work everyday so that I would make sure the home was copesetic, etc.

My daughter grew to love my Mom more than me.  As she puts it, I was never there to raise her, I always worked or went to night school.  Which is partially true.  Yes I did work, yes I would take an evening class or two, (but I didn't work while I did it).  Our relationship became EXTREMELY volatile. between the two of us.

I never stood up for myself, unless I could not handle the bantering, which occurred about every 6 months or so.  I was never allowed to parent my daughter and my daughter always preferred my Mom over me.  I was chastised for wanting to make my daughter pick up her toys, or gum wrappers off the floor, at the age of 7.  I was to do it, and that when she gets older, she, my daughter, will then do it.  During this period, 1999-2005, my mood swings were HORRIBLE, but my Mom's were too, equally if not worse than mine.  I was lucky if we went 2 days without a blow up over me not behaving, or doing something right.  All I wanted to do was to please her.

And while I did, I lost my child in the process.  From the time she was 2-3 years old, I told my Mom that because I was so uncapable, (which I still don't know how??), that my daughter is her child and not mine.

In 2005, she forced me to take a leave of absence from work, which led to me quitting, because they, my Mom and sister, who now lives with us, felt that I was incapapble of working, and that I should stay home, raise my daughter, and collect welfare.  It was then, that I was placed on a mild anti-depressant.  WOW, what a change.

I began to get an inner voice which wanted to speak clearly and stand up for me!  Come 2007, again, I was forced to take another leave of absence from work to "deal with my problems at home".  So I did, and 3 days later, I was ready to return to work, I decided that it was time for to take care of me.  I announced that I was going to move out, and transition my daughter to my new place within a couple of months.  I did not want a drastic change for her.  I never did return to work.  I was laid off November 27th 2007.   7 weeks of unpaid  sick leave.

M daughter wanted a dog for XMAS.  I was working on 2 final projects for my college courses and I had 2 exams coming up the following week.  I was told that I was selfish, inconsiderate and mental for not taking the time to look for a dog for my daughter.  I only asked them to wait one week until my school load was eased some.  I want you to keep in mind, my daughter at this point had, 2 dogs, 2 fish tanks, 3 hamster, 2 rats, 1 rabbit and 3 guinea pigs.  That is AFTER I downsized our animals weeks prior to this event taking place.  I couldn't handle all the animals and the responsibility that came with them. My mom went and told her that I "refused" to look for a dog and that I didn't care about her.

That is when the final fight broke out.  She ordered me out, and I left....alone.  I could not take my daughter, I had no money, no job to support her, and nowhere to go.

Almost 6 weeks later, I was set up and ready for my daughter to come live with me.  I had a job, an apartment, almost fully furnished, and I also had EI to fall back onto if i needed it.  My Mom refused to let me see her...because my place happen to have cockroaches.  And my landlords weren't dealing with it appropriately.  So I moved into my new place, with my new boyfriend, (finally after 8 yeras of being single!), and bug free.

I had to kidnap her from school in March to have her live with me.  She was estatic!  She wanted it all along but was afraid to tell my Mom this.  She loved here, during the day only.  She really really liked my boyfriend and life was good, until the night time came.  Then her tantrums started up and lasted sometimes for 4 hours at a time.  After 5 weeks, and her wanting to spend more and more time at my Mom's place, I handed her over to live there.  I got her signed up for therapy, which starts next week.

This is NOT about me, it is about her and what is best for her.  Now, my dilema, stands here, I NEED To disown my family, I can' t live with negative remarks, putting me down and critcizing me all the time anymore.  Mind you it has eased SOME, but I ca't deal with it any more.  Every night I get massive panic attacks and it takes my boyfriend up to an hour to get me to come around again.  I can't abandoned my family without abandoning my daughter.  I can see my daughter but I have to put up with the abuse.  What do I do?

She is starting to treat me that same way they do.  My boyfriend, husband-to-be, is awesome, he supports any decision I make,  is wiling to move out to make room for her,  but thinks I should abandon my family like he has.

I want to do what is RIGHT, not what is easiest and not what is best for me only.

PLEASE, tell me your thoughts on my scenario.

Thank you,

LR

[eel81]

i have to say your boyfriend should not ahve to leave, and you don't ahve to put up with your family, and your daughter needs to be put in her place, you are her mother and she will live with you and if she doesn't like it too bad. the only reason she wants to live with your mother is because she gets everything sshe wants, and the minute she new she wouldn't get that from you she wanted to leave. put your foot down, stand up for yourself, put your daughter in her place. and realise that they may be saying stuff to her to make her like the way she is. be strong and stand up, have a voice and have a big one. do what you want if you want your daughter go get her. and do it now. she is your daughter and deserves to be with her mother.

[helper1950]

i underestand you. i myself live with my mother in law. she does not nag at me all the time but she complains about quite of few things, and it does get very annoying. as to your mother you need to tell her if she does not approve of the way you handle things with your daughter well you need to let her know that shes yours. tell her thank you for letting me stay with you and all the help you gave me, and when i tell my daughter to do something, she needs to do it and you guys have no right to tell her otherwise or put her against me. when you give your daughter orders she needs to do it and do not let anyone else but in. i myself usto let my parents and mother- in-law butt in, but it was putting my children against me. so i started to tell my family off in front of my kids. and that is what worked for me, they butt in once ina while but it is rare. our family members like the positive affect it has had on my kids.
oh and about your daughter you do need to put your foot down, do not let her disrespect you in anyway. do you wan her to be like your mother, you have enough naging in your life you dont need your daughter doing it to. in other words you need to be a *****. good luck.

[bsk27]

1. The courts look at "the best interest of the child" when placing a child but this only comes after the parents rights are considered. You can be a D- parent and you still have the right to raise your daughter as you see fit.
2. Of course she is going to throw tantrums - she is torn between her love for you and your mom. Like any child in a divorce she has conflicting loyalties. However, you can't be a wimp about it. Youneed to hold your daughter and tell her you love her. Apologize for living with your mom for so long and causing her this confusion. Tell her it is ok to love gramma but that for right now you and she and your new bf need to work on building a family together. Reassure her that your mother will not be angry with her. All of these thoughts are in her mind. When you bring up her thoughts and fears she will think you are magic.
3. I haven't spoken to my biological family in about 20 years and I do not miss them. You have a right to be toxin free. BUT YOU HAVE A DUTY TO YOUR DAUGHTER TO KEEP HER TOXIN FREE TOO.
4. All she will hear is bad stuff about you and that will affect her selfesteem as she knows she is  your daughter. You have to protect her from your bio family NOT surrender her to them.

[misterd45]

Life is full of hard choices. I am raising three kids on my own. I caught my ex wife cheating on me two days after my mother told me she has terminal cancer. She had left me takeing all we had saved in our acounts, a morgage, and our three kids so she could enjoy life with drinking and some guy who was nine years younger then me.
You made a choice and my question to you is why do you need to hear it from us? You chose to work, finish your schooling, and although you spend alot of time doing so you still squeeze in time for your daughter. Have you asked your self why your doing all of that? And why ,"if you  didn't love your daughter" would it bother you that she said she loved grams more then you? Thats just her way of trying to get attention from you. Although you seem like you have no time set aside a time to make it a special mother daughter day out. And then see from there what her out look of you is like. Let her know that all the hard work that you are doing is for her and that she is you insperation to want more.

                                            From:msterd45

[LAR614]

There is a great book called 'Boundaries: when to say yes, when to say no- take control of your life ' by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Perhaps you can check it out of your college library. It has some wonderful advice about dealing with controlling and abusive people.

As far as your daughter is concerned, I am a little unclear on her age but it seems like she might be 11 or 12 now? She is entering what is bound to be a difficult period in her life as she forms her own identity and starts to separate from childhood and gain independence. Would you rather that her identity be based on your mother and sister or on you? Will your mother allow her to gain the independence she is going to need to be a competent adult or will she control her and keep her a child by over-helping with everything? Are you perhaps willing to let her go because in your heart you are afraid your mother is right and you really are incompetent? Considering what your mother has put you through do you really believe you will do a worse job?

I'm going to truly get my soap box out now...Don't let your daughters tantrums control you-it doesn't mean you are a bad parent just because she is unhappy. Unhappiness is a state of being for most teen-agers and if we are doing our jobs right as parents then we are making our kids feel safe and loved by setting boundaries and letting them know that they aren't the boss and we aren't there to make them happy. We are there to turn them into functioning, well-adjusted adults who can sucessfully launch from our houses into lives of their own.

Best of luck whatever your decision.

[jan66]

Wow you have had a very hard time and I think you are aware of the fact that you need to take control over your life. I work myself and understand the guilt you feel even without someone making you feel bad. What your mother did and is doing is extremely sick.

If your daughter is about 12 now she has had 12 years of seeing how mum can be manipulated, made to feel like she is worthless and kids will do what works to get their way.

If this is about your daughter the first thing you need to consider is how healthy is the contact with your mother for her? Is what she is learning there what you want her to learn about human interaction? If your mum was on drugs would you leave her there? Not for a moment I assume. In my opinion this is as bad, the only difference is that it affects another part of her development.

Your mum is a sick influence and you need to stop all communication between her and your family. She is playing the two of you against eachother and that is unacceptable.

I would move away if need be. I took my family to Australia once it was great to get away and that was when I really grew up.

Explain to your daughter that you understand that she felt sad that you were not there but unfortunately we live in a world where we need to work to make a living and that is what you did, because you want to give her a future. Tell her the two of you need to work out how your life together is going to look. How much money, how much work etc.

Start spending time together, find out what she is interested in and do it together. Start building a life and a relationship. Stick to your guns and your rules, do not put up with the emotional blackmail she learnt from your mum. Start investing in good time.