MOTHER GIVING UP CHILD - MAYBE???? HLEP!!
Hello,
I am in a real pickle, this pickle is so jammed that the lid won't even come off. I NEED EVERYONES COMMENtS, SUGGESTIONS, VIEWS, honesty, both good and very critical.
It started back when my baby was born, the father was not a father and I supported the three of us for a year and a half....during that time, I attmepted suicide, for two reasons, one because of issues I could not put my finger on with my Mom, and secondly, because of the stress of living with my ex...then I moved home....with my Mom.
I stayed there for over 8 years, I worked while she watched my daughter. I had no social life, only bingo with my Mom and maybe once a year I went for coffee with my only friend of 27 years. No men, no drinking, no drugs, (not that that was ever an issue).
During the first 5 years, I put up with MASSIVE emotional abuse from my Mom, everyday, her telling me that I was not a good mother, I am crazy, mental, etc., and literally, EVERYTHING I did was wrong, right down to putting the silerware in the drying wrong, because if I put the knives facing down, (which I did for safety), I was wrong and held responsible due to the fact that they 'might' rust, I walked into the room, and I was too loud, (my steps, I mean), or if I didn't say anything, I was wrong and being secretive. That sort of thing, however, on the flip side....
My mom is clinically disabled. Although she motors around her place quite fine, so it appears, she was/is in a lot of pain, DDD, fibromylagia, arthitis of every sort, chrohns disease, etc. So I would massage her quite frequently. 3-4 a week. That would redeem me in her eyes. I bent over backwards to accommodate her every need. If she didn't like my hours at work, I would find another job, or if she felt that she was not getting paid enough, I would up her wage for babysitting and expect less responsibilities from her, ie. I would make the dinner when I came home at 6pm, I would be late for work everyday so that I would make sure the home was copesetic, etc.
My daughter grew to love my Mom more than me. As she puts it, I was never there to raise her, I always worked or went to night school. Which is partially true. Yes I did work, yes I would take an evening class or two, (but I didn't work while I did it). Our relationship became EXTREMELY volatile. between the two of us.
I never stood up for myself, unless I could not handle the bantering, which occurred about every 6 months or so. I was never allowed to parent my daughter and my daughter always preferred my Mom over me. I was chastised for wanting to make my daughter pick up her toys, or gum wrappers off the floor, at the age of 7. I was to do it, and that when she gets older, she, my daughter, will then do it. During this period, 1999-2005, my mood swings were HORRIBLE, but my Mom's were too, equally if not worse than mine. I was lucky if we went 2 days without a blow up over me not behaving, or doing something right. All I wanted to do was to please her.
And while I did, I lost my child in the process. From the time she was 2-3 years old, I told my Mom that because I was so uncapable, (which I still don't know how??), that my daughter is her child and not mine.
In 2005, she forced me to take a leave of absence from work, which led to me quitting, because they, my Mom and sister, who now lives with us, felt that I was incapapble of working, and that I should stay home, raise my daughter, and collect welfare. It was then, that I was placed on a mild anti-depressant. WOW, what a change.
I began to get an inner voice which wanted to speak clearly and stand up for me! Come 2007, again, I was forced to take another leave of absence from work to "deal with my problems at home". So I did, and 3 days later, I was ready to return to work, I decided that it was time for to take care of me. I announced that I was going to move out, and transition my daughter to my new place within a couple of months. I did not want a drastic change for her. I never did return to work. I was laid off November 27th 2007. 7 weeks of unpaid sick leave.
M daughter wanted a dog for XMAS. I was working on 2 final projects for my college courses and I had 2 exams coming up the following week. I was told that I was selfish, inconsiderate and mental for not taking the time to look for a dog for my daughter. I only asked them to wait one week until my school load was eased some. I want you to keep in mind, my daughter at this point had, 2 dogs, 2 fish tanks, 3 hamster, 2 rats, 1 rabbit and 3 guinea pigs. That is AFTER I downsized our animals weeks prior to this event taking place. I couldn't handle all the animals and the responsibility that came with them. My mom went and told her that I "refused" to look for a dog and that I didn't care about her.
That is when the final fight broke out. She ordered me out, and I left....alone. I could not take my daughter, I had no money, no job to support her, and nowhere to go.
Almost 6 weeks later, I was set up and ready for my daughter to come live with me. I had a job, an apartment, almost fully furnished, and I also had EI to fall back onto if i needed it. My Mom refused to let me see her...because my place happen to have cockroaches. And my landlords weren't dealing with it appropriately. So I moved into my new place, with my new boyfriend, (finally after 8 yeras of being single!), and bug free.
I had to kidnap her from school in March to have her live with me. She was estatic! She wanted it all along but was afraid to tell my Mom this. She loved here, during the day only. She really really liked my boyfriend and life was good, until the night time came. Then her tantrums started up and lasted sometimes for 4 hours at a time. After 5 weeks, and her wanting to spend more and more time at my Mom's place, I handed her over to live there. I got her signed up for therapy, which starts next week.
This is NOT about me, it is about her and what is best for her. Now, my dilema, stands here, I NEED To disown my family, I can' t live with negative remarks, putting me down and critcizing me all the time anymore. Mind you it has eased SOME, but I ca't deal with it any more. Every night I get massive panic attacks and it takes my boyfriend up to an hour to get me to come around again. I can't abandoned my family without abandoning my daughter. I can see my daughter but I have to put up with the abuse. What do I do?
She is starting to treat me that same way they do. My boyfriend, husband-to-be, is awesome, he supports any decision I make, is wiling to move out to make room for her, but thinks I should abandon my family like he has.
I want to do what is RIGHT, not what is easiest and not what is best for me only.
PLEASE, tell me your thoughts on my scenario.
Thank you,
LR