I don't know what to do.......

[Scotland2009]

My daughter has had a rough childhood... her dad and I didn't get along the past few years and we finally divorced.  During that time, we weren't very good about correcting their behavior.  Unfortunaltley now, she doesn't listen very well and has a very smart mouth- she's pretty disrespectful and we're to blame.  I am remarried now and my new husband has noticed how disrespectful she is to us both...although she's better than she was.  Anyway, I realise it's still a problem too.  She lies, smarts off and doesn't do as she's told a lot of the time.  We really don't ask so much of her except not to lie, smart off and keep her room clean and her homework done.  My husband treats her as his own child and loves her.  However, when she is acting up in one of the ways I've mentioned, he really, really gets upset.  He spanks her really hard.  I feel very bad, I guess because I/and my ex let it get this bad and it's a big change for her.  Sometimes when he spanks her, she thrashes around and hurts herself...I've seen her... and yet she blames him for the extra pain she is in.  I know he's hard on her and I feel she needs it to get out of the disrespectful behavior but also she's in a state of shock over it too... sometimes he does take it a little too far and the spankings are fierce.  I just don't know what to do, I want her to be a better person but yet I hate what she's having to go through to learn to be one.  I want to tell him to stop it because it upsets me when this is going on.  I just don't know what's right or wrong anymore.  He's always such a wonderful dad to her when she's being good and she loves him too except for when she gets a spanking and he turns against her for acting up.  Neither one of us grew up behaving this way to our parents.  When she goes to her dads house where her 18 year old sister resides, her sister behaves the same way and their dad lets them get away with it... they run the house and all the decisions so, that's not helping.  Does anyone have any suggestions?

[Scotland2009]

I forgot to say what her age is- she's 12.

[jdtm]

I just don't know what's right or wrong anymore. --  your words

I don't have a lot of advice but I do know one thing - spanking is wrong, wrong, wrong.  Where I live, a parent would be charged with abuse and get jail time for spanking/beating a child.


I want to tell him to stop it because it upsets me when this is going on. --  your words

Why can't you - are you afraid he will abuse you too?  Because that is what we are talking about - physical abuse.  If you trust your ex-husband, then that is the person you should speak to first.  If not, is there someone else you trust - as your minister, doctor, even the principal at your daughter's school, etc.?  Maybe the best place for your daughter to live is with her father because it appears from your posting you are unable to keep her safe.   Sorry this is so harsh - perhaps others on this board can offer more productive suggestions .....

[margypops]

This is not too harsh jdtm I totaly agree with all you have put here;The spankings are really fierce "  this child needs help I suggest the poster calls the child protection services or gets someone else to do this Scotland , I dont think you should stand and watch........ protect this child .

[ggm_mc]

wow! i just came upon this post and i'm a little shocked. scotland, this "wonderful man" is abusing your child. hitting is not the way to correct a child's behavior, it will only make it worse, trust me. think about your 12 yo girl. remember how hard it was being 12 and on top of that getting "spanked" by your step-dad. please dont let this man abuse your child anymore. it is one thing that you think you have found the perfect match for you, but is he the best dad he could be for your daughter and the baby you're expecting?  the spanking is obviously not working, so what is next? does he abuse her verbally too? you need to stop this and protect your child.

[Lolly538]

You are not struggling with what is right or wrong.  You know that what's going on is wrong.  It seems that you're struggling to admit that and put a stop to it.  Please be strong for your daughter's sake.  It is not appropriate or helpful for a man to spank a twelve year old girl.  
    
"I know he's hard on her and I feel she needs it to get out of the disrespectful behavior..."  

How disrespectful are you and your husband being towards her? How degrading and embarassing for her to be spanked!  She's a young woman.  If your husband can't even control his own anger, how does he expect to teach her to control her own behavior?

Please, please, please put a stop to this.  You could join a parenting class or read books about how to discipline children in a loving way.  Just please follow your instincts about this situation and help yourself to help her.  

Imagine treating an elderly person this way because s/he doesn't behave the way you want.  Would that be ok?  Why is it ok to do to kids?  

What do you think the effects will be in 10 or 20 years?  You might find yourself wondering why she never calls or visits, or why she always picks men that treat her like ****.  What about in 40 years when it's her turn to decide how to take care of you?  How do you want to be treated when you're no longer fully in control of your life or behaviors?

[shanta35]

are you really trying to find help for your out of control daughter or or someoneto tell you you are a good mother.  I am a mother of three I have two other children that live in my home as well because of abuse.  

How can you feel bad about the "spanking" have you tried to stop it.  What kind of mother sits and watches someone else abuse thier own child and does nothing.

Your worred about her behavior I'm worried abotu yours.