My 8 year old freaks out every weekend when being dropped of at her dads

[stassy]

  My daughter is eight years old and her father and I have been divorced for four years. In the last year she has had a lot of changes. My parents, who she was very close to moved far away, I got married, and we moved to a new home. Her cousins were next door and went to school with her. She is in a new school. She was having a hard time with school and I thought some other problems were coming from the stress of school. However, she is settling in now, and though things aren't perfect, they are better. She loves my husband, but when she is upset doesn't want him to speak.

  Saturday we dropped my daughter off at her fathers. The same thing happened that has been happening for weeks now. She refuses to get out of the car. I have to drag her to her dad, and then he holds her while she screams that she needs me. She fights and fights and is very hard to handle. He holds her until we drive out of the driveway. I usually cry as we drive away because it is so hard on me emotionally. Her father had a terrible temper and was very verbally abusive. Apparently he has it under control. She tells me if he punishes her or yells at her and he hasn't lately. However because of the past it is very hard to drop her off.

  Then on Sunday she comes home and she is fine for a few minutes and then when we tell her no about anything, (tonight it was no to pie, and then the tv went off, not as punishment.) She started screaming at the top of her lungs, and sharp high pitched horrible scream. She screams and screams and then cries and says, " Why don't I ever get to have fun? I never have any fun because I am the worst child in the world!" That goes on and on. From then on it takes quite a while to calm her down and get her to sleep.

  Is there anything I can do to avoid this? Sometimes we play a game and that helps, but tonight I had a migraine, and we watched some tv as a family. We also cuddled. We make sure she does a lot of fun things, art and crafts, games with us, visiting with cousins etc. I know that right now she has separation anxiety and doesn't want to be away from me at all. She used to go places with my husband, but lately she won't go with anyone anywhere unless I am coming too. I am a stay at home mother and I spend a lot of time with my daughter. I try to regularly spend time with her in which we just have fun, however, she is expected to do a few chores, and behave.

She does have adhd and we are going to a parenting group which has helped us deal with her in different ways, and it has helped a lot. She is on a low dose of adderall (adderrall) but has not been having it on weekends due to her father. He has now decided to start giving it to her on weekends.
Stassy

[margypops]

It seems that she doesnt want to be left at her Dads house and I dont think it is good for her to be forcibly made to go there, dragging her out of the car , I doubt if any court would say she had to be made to go somewhere she hates that much.and especially as you say he is verbally abusive and yells at her. Outside sports and activities have been  shown to help children cope, get her onto a food supplement of B Complex VitC and Fish oil, any parents are trying this with a lot of success, if you get the visitations with the Dad changed you may notice she will be happeir and as thats what you want for your Daughter, you have the answer.

[stassy]

The thing is, that after ten minutes or so after I leave she is fine. She usually enjoys her visit with her father.
Stassy

[Krblay613]

I had this same problem with my daughter who is 7. I really feel your pain and am sorry you are dealing with this issue. I am wondering if your daughter has access to a phone and knows your phone number so she could call you on those weekends if she felt she needed to. I did this with my daughter and it has worked wonders. I think just knowing that she has the ability to get in contact with you might settle her enough at drop off time.

Unfortunately, at her age, the court is not going to listen much to what she has to say. Even in cases of abuse, the parenting plans are difficult to change and often fostering the relationship between the child and father is all the court thinks about. It would be wonderful if as a mother you could simply say that this is having a negative effect on your daughter and have the court listen, but that is not always the case.

As far as the coming home and acting the way you described, I found that with my daughter, simply reminding her of our house rules and gently but firmly acknowledging that I will not tolerate that type of behavior works well. I have simply explained that I don't enjoy being yelled at and I can't talk with her until she is ready to use a nicer voice with me. She quickly remembers where she is at and what our rules are and snaps back to her normal self in no time.

I hope that helps a little bit, even if just knowing someone else is going through it. :)
-Kristi

[margypops]

Actually the court my daughter was involved with did listen to her 9year old daughter when she said she didnt want to be at her Dads house more than the weekensd, so I guess it varies where you live.,