My ex is using the children to hurt me.

[Kay292]

My Ex and I share custody of our two children 7yr old daughter and 9 yr old son. There are lots of unresolved issues the father has towards me. He has not forgiven me for leaving him I left him becasue he was contrlling and verbally abusive). The children are often put in the middle of our conflicts. I have tried to maintain a friendly relationship between us. However there are times when my ex does not like my tone, or my response etc.. he becomes angry, leaves me several rude messages on my machine, He refuese to pick up the kids on his days.   when asked by the kids why he didn't pick them up he tells them  " its because of your mother",  on seveal occasions he has  told the kids he will be leaving the country because thier mother has made his life misrable.He also told the kids that becasue of me he is dying.  . My son doesn't want to leave his father for fear that he will die or leave the country. When thier father does not pick them up the kids worry about .  Thier father blames all his problems on me, he shares his feelings and fears with the children. I don't know how to deal with this. I have had to explain to the kids that thier father exagerates things, that he will never leave them. I'm often put in a postion where I have to tell the children that their dad's behavior is not okay and not to be repeated. Most of the time thier father is normal and responsible with the kids, they are very attached to him and love him very much. Thier dad has monthy or bi monthly mood swings. My son is the most effected by his fathers mood swings, he has trouble trusting people, he has trouble consintrating at school, he sometimes picks the weaker kids  in school ,   I see lots of  anger in him. I don't know how to deal with this. Do I take daddy time away from the kids? How do I teach my children that thier dads behavior is not normal? What is okay to tell the kids without doing the same thing he is doing?

[worried_stepmom03]

He isn't hurting you, he is hurting them. Maybe you could take away daddy time until he gets help. He is angry that once he could control you but now he can't anymore so this is the way that he can control the situation is by controlling them. Maybe putting your son in karate or something will teach him respect and he will learn that he can't just go around bullying people. It maybe a release for him and his anger.

[jenstam]

That is so tough. My ex did/does the same thing to our four daughters. It's such a tough spot to be in because you don't want to take their time from him away, but at the same time it's not good for them to hear things like that. I still allow my girls to see their Dad (he's in jail right now though, for not paying child support), but I talk with them about things he says and ask them what they think about it and if they think those things are true. They know from past experience that his words rarely ever mean much in the way of truth and they let it go in one ear and out the other. I don't really know if this is right or wrong but I let my girls give me cues on whether they want to spend time with their Dad or not. This has been going on for five years and over the years they have just learned that they don't want to be like him. They pity him and hope he becomes "normal" someday. It really is almost like they are going to see someone sick when they go see him. I wish you luck. I'm pretty much stuck in the same boat. Tough call.