NEEDS help being a step-mom at the age of 21--HELP PLEASE!!

[lovedove1k]

Hey everyone! Alright, so I need some advice for those out there who's experienced in the field of being a parent or a step-parent. Let me tell you some background info. first. First off, I'm 21 who recently got married to a U.S. soldier on Jan. 5th. My husband (Cory) and I had been friends since high school but lost contact of one another after he graduated in 2002 ( I grad. in 2004). Anyway, we had gone our seperate ways after he graduated and then somehow met back up. His best friend Jason ran into my mom and gave her his number to give me to since we had all been good friends in high school. Well I had only moved a state away for college when that happened and was currently seeing someone inwhich I had been with for 4 years and was currently living at the time. Well my ex and I broke up and I moved home. Well I came home to see my parents and called up Jason. Jason and I began to talk and I had asked about Cory since I had always had a high school crush on him. Jason then informed me that he was hanging out with Cory and how he currently had gotten in the service and was home on leave. Well that night we all went out to dinner to catch up on old times. ANYWAY, my husband Cory had a child with a girl back in high school and inwhich his son in now turning 6. His son's mom is currently married to someone else and Cory is married to me.

Well.. since Cory is in the service, we don't see much of his son Colby right? Well I have been informed that once we move again which is in 3 weeks, Colby is coming down to see us for a few weeks to a month. For some odd reason I'm going through this horrible phase to where I'm being selfish and don't want to see Colby. Like I am having these feelings as if I want my husband all to myself and could careless if he see's his son. I have no idea what my problem is. I need help. Also, I'm going through another phase as to thinkin that marrying my husband was a HUGE AND HORRIBLE mistake (even though he is amazing!), marrying a guy with a KID was crazy, and everything I have done up to this point was a huge mistake in my life even though I love my husband more than words can say. It's like I feel as if he didn't have a kid, my world would be GREAT! What is wrong with me? I mean could this be a huge thing of being jealous?? How do I fix this problem? I don't know if I'm going through this cause I'm not close to his kid at all. I see this kid like 1 time a year. I feel as if I am becoming 2nd in my husbands life and that he's putting his kid first which if he is, I don't blame him. But if he is, it's something that really bothers and upsets me. It's like I'm going through a phase to where I want it to be ALL ABOUT ME... I'm losing my mind. I need help everyone. I need advice on how to fix this problem. Is there any parents or step-parents that could help me with this problem?? If so, please do.

[Mommy3boyz]

Hello I can see that this is an issue that bothers you, what bothers me the most is that you knew going into this there was a child involved.  It is kind of a packaged deal.  If you love your husband you must love everything about him including any previous children.  These questions you are asking yourself should have been dealt with before marriage.  I know from previous experience because I am also a step parent and was the child with a step father.  First of all I would suggest that maybe you see some kind of counselor to talk about your fears.  These could simply be issues because you are young and have not have children of your own but ultimatley is not fair to the child to have this hatred towards him.  It is your issues not his.  For the sake of all of you I would try and get these feelings under control and the best suggestion I have is to talk about them with someone who is experienced with this type of problems.

[frogger80]

I have a step son who is 12.  He has been living with us for aprox 5 years and sees his mom every 2nd weekend.  I am only 28 and this was a huge adjustment for me.  When he first moved in all was great, my stepson would come to me no matter what, he would tell me secrets, cry on my shoulder, wanted to be hugged when sick.  I thought wow, this is wonderful.  But now nearly 5 years later all has changed, my stepson has started resenting me, told me outright he hates me all that stuff.  I have been having the same feelings as you.  I want my husband all to myself, why do I have to have my stepson in the middle.  Unfortunately, I love my husband and my stepson comes with the package.  It will eventually grow on you and you will learn to share with your husband his son.  There probably will be hard times and times you want to hide in a dark corner and cry because it is normal to be selfish or jealous, there is a bond between father and son that nobody can break through.  You'll get through it eventually .. hope this helps

[Agiesmom]

You cannot be married to a man with a child and want it to be all about you.  But you already know that.

He's putting his child first because he SHOULD be putting his child first.  Many 2nd wives will disagree with that--until they find themselves sending their children off to visit their ex-husband and his live-in girlfriend or new wife one day and their kids come home crying and unhappy because Daddy's new wife isn't nice to them.

When a couple has a child together, it's not a problem because BOTH parents focus on the child--they have a common focus for their parental love and they BOTH put the child and the child's best interests first and this actually strengthens the bond between the parents.  It doesn't usually work that way in step families.

I think you need to think long and hard about this and decide if you can completely let go and love this child.  Even then, I think you will have a hard time after you have a baby--you would think that it would help you to realize why your husband feels the way he does about his son, but it will likely add to the problem because then you will find yourself being very aware of how much time and love he gives to each child and he will likely appear to be giving a bit more love and attention to his first son when he has him because he doesn't have him all the time--he will likely be trying to make up for not being there all the time.  I think your feelings of jealousy will intensify.

I think that having these feelings now is a sign that you may be right--this may have been a huge and horrible mistake.  And you're only seeing this boy once a year at the moment.  Wait until your husband wants to live near his son and have him every weekend or every other week or wants to get full custody of him.  Wait until the boy isn't nice to your child.  Wait until he is 13 and rebellious and his mother can't do anything with him and sends him to live with you.

Seriously...think long and hard about this.