Out of answers

[Cantbecoached]

I have an 8 year old step son he is so lazy won't complete simple tasks, lies about them, pretends he doesn't hear us, refuses to listen and follow directions or instructions. Seconds after being told not to do something he does it anyway , constantly pushes every boundary, knows right from wrong tho but will intentionally tow the line in everything it's like he's in his own world were rules don't apply, refuses to go outside and everything he does revolves around him and his benefit my wife and I are pulling out our hair out, we have a 10 year old daughter who is the complete opposite and a 2 year old that I'm worried will copy this behavior. He does have a small speech problem with his R's but due to the fact that he's intelligent speech teachers say he doesn't need help, I think he's gets teased about the way he talks, and tells my wife Kids don't like to play with him at school, I think this is because he always has to run the show tho that others have to play his version of whatever only because I've seen this first hand, but Teachers say our 8 year old is pleasant has friends and completes tasks at school. But at home he lies about homework and would rAther stare at his feet for two hours than read for 20 mins, and takes every short cut imaginable when it comes to anything. My wife's ex husband says he acts the same for him but due to the small amount of time he has him he basically lets him do whatever he wants total Disneyland dad situation which consists of my step son sitting in front of a tv or Xbox for hours on end. We have tried everything taking away toys, tv, video games pretty much anything he likes, we have resorted to spankings, and positive things too like constant praise for small things done right or well and extra attention, I have coached kids of this age for years in baseball, flag football and basketball and he just seems so immature compared to other his age he is a constant distraction on the field and we have talked about how being a coaches kid means he has to be a leader, he could care less I've had kids in my teams over the years like this and never thought my own kid would be the problem kid anyway does this sound like ADD/ ADHD he's not super hyper but sometimes he doesn't know when enough is enough does anyone else has similar issues? Suggestions? Or want an 8 year old ( kidding);)

[specialmom]

Agree agree  and agree.  I agree with all three of the recommendations above.  Kids do have a very hard time switching from home to home when parents are not together.  They show their distress often through behavior.  

One of the things that always must be present with add/adhd is that the behavior happens in multiple places.  That he is fine in school is excellent.  

I do wish you well.  It's hard to combine families but know that it is worth it in the end if you are patient.  A peaceful home is the goal.  good luck dear

[MarkLakewood3367]

The behavior you described does not meet the ADHD criteria.  Not to mention, the inattentive behaviors per ADHD need to be present in all environments, not just at home.

A couple of recommendations:

1.  I would talk and meet with your son's mom to discuss these issues and to see how you both could work together on a behavior management program that extends from home to home.  This would define behavior expectations and maintain consistency.

2.  I would avoid spankings and begin using timeouts as this would be more effective for this age group.  Spankings may only worsen the behavior.  If you would like help on how to implement an effective timeout, just let us know.

3.  Your son very well could be experiencing behavioral issues because of his inability to properly cope with separation/loss issues relative to the reasons why he lives at two homes.  You may want to explore mental health counseling for him and the family not only to help him properly adjust to the changes but also to try to get both families on the same page on behalf of your son.