PLEASE TELL WHAT TO DO!!

[sarabeth347]

i am having a very hard time dealing with my fianace's kids i am only 23 and his kids are
7 and 12 i live with him. the little girl stays with his mom at night(7 year old) and they both
go to there aunts on the weekend. but the boy is very hard to handle and has A.D.D witch i do to
but his is treat with meds and he still acts very bad. he talks back and does not listen at all.
i do not try to be a mother to him because i dont know how and we also have a great 6month old baby
and i am a stay at home mommy to her! I know how to be a mom to her because she is mine
and i love every min of it!! and would not trade it for all the money in the world!!
but how do i handle this kid? and not be a bad person
and not have my fianace mad at me for not trying witch is what i always get blamed for?
this is killing our realship when we dont get along as it is!!
pleas help me

[ticked]

I know that this is an old thread but I had to make a comment.

1) How old is the father of these children?
2) Are there three different mothers?

I noticed that people made some rude comments to this girl and I think that unless you have been in that situation you dont know.

I have so I will comment.

I dated my daughters father when his first son was 3yrs old. He never really saw his son and I took care of him all the time, I was his mother, father etc.  His father was selfish and expected me to do everything while he just did what he wanted to do. So I started to resent his kid because he was using his kid against me as if I was a bad person for not doing certain things.

I ended up getting pregnant around the time I was going to leave him and this made things a lot worse.  I was told by him that I was expected to pick his son up from school pretty much right after I had the baby and I didnt want to.

I wanted to spend time with my child and she is right, no matter what you do as a step parent your love for your own child is much deeper.  I loved his child a lot but because of what was going on the resentment just got worse.

What I see with this girls situation is a lot like mine.  The step parents and aunts are the ones raising the children not the ACTUAL parents.  

Of course the kid is going to act up because there is no structure in these kids lives.  

I blame the actual parents of these children not the girl writing this post.  

Please do not judge her as you have no idea what that is like when so many irresponsible people are involved and expect you to be the one that fixes it or takes care of it.

Sorry I need to state my opinion as some people have been pretty rude to this poster no matter how old this post is.

[benjimom]

this sounds like a difficult situation> I think anytime you come in w/other people's kids, it's difficult and esp a pre-teen.  

[smartie1]

you need to get on his good side before anything or giving him the slightest bit of direction, just do your best and be nuce

[maziemae]

It's so easy for someone else to say they would be accepting, loving, etc. of step-kids if they had them.  That's the POINT they're making judgements about something they know NOTHING about.  The numerous women telling you to love your stepson and so on.......If you noticed they don't have ANY step-kids of their own.

Until you walk in her shoes DON'T GIVE ADVICE ON SOMETHING YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT!!!

I have had 2 step-mothers growing up and I have been a step-mother to 2 kids.  It is not fun to raise someone else's kid.

[margypops]

Take a look at the date you are answering an old thread, you may or maynot get answers here..

[bckitten]

OMG ~ how judgemental can these women be??!! This girl came on here looking for advice and some of you have resorted to name-calling.
Look, it's not easy taking on a blended family. I was sent to live with an aunt and uncle when I was 6 because my mom couldn't be a parent. I was there for 8 years and for 8 years I wondered what I'd done so wrong that no one wanted me. They treated me different than their own girls. They went on holidays, I stayed home with my grandparents. Almost daily, my aunt would tell me that if it weren't for her, I'd be in foster care. Some days, I longed to be in foster care...!
I agree, this 12-year old needs his father desperately. And the kids need some STABILITY. Shuffled from one place to another - each home probably has different rules and expectations. You (sarabeth347) probably don't have any control or say as to when the kids are where... You DO have control of your house.
First, your husband MUST be on your side. He cannot let the kids disrespect you. There must be consequences and he must agree to them and also be the one to administer them when he's home ~ whether or not the behaviour was directed at him.
Of COURSE you feel bonded to your baby. You are mothering her. Bonding doesn't occur because of the birth process. It occurs due to the mothering process!!
You MUST give the other children the opportunity to bond with you. Do something special with JUST THEM. Let daddy take the baby and take them out somewhere. Show them they are THAT important to you...because they should be. You didn't just marry your husband. You married his family.
Take parenting courses. Join parenting groups. A shared burden is easier to carry and you need support, not to be criticized. Are you doing things right? No, but at least you are looking for help.
One person who posted is right ~ if you and your husband don't get on the same page and if he doesn't start supporting you instead of blaming you, you'll be divorced inside of 10 years and then you're looking at 10 years you'll never get back....

[sarabeth347]

thank you all for the post! This has helped me

[momof2with1onway]

I have to agree with binnks. You knew he had other children and trust me they know when they aren't being treated equal. My situation was a little different because i had a son when me and my hubby got together and he knew that from the start. under no circumstances would i have let my hubby disrespect my son. It was hard at the begining because my son didn't want to respect him but i taught him better than that and now he loves him. my hubby makes a point to spend time with my son if its just taking him fishing while i stay with our 6 month old daughter. me and my son also spend one on one time together and it makes him so happy. my hubby never refers to him as his step child either when we meet new people he introduces him as his son!!!! we are now preggo with another baby due in April and my son is so excited. there is no way i could love one child more than the other. the kids are the innocent ones if you couldn't handle his other children you should have thought about that before you had a child with him. His babies are hurting while you seem to not care about them only the one yall have together. how would you feel if it was you baby being done that like that????  I love my hubby and if he had of had children when we got together i would have loved them too because they are a part of the man that i love. No one expects you to just take over but show them babies the love and respect that they deserve and you will be surprised at what you will get out of the relationship. we have family night once a week where we all do something that focuses around our babies and it is wonderful. Just remember all kids are a gift and you are the lucky one to have them in your life!!!!

[binnks]

I just read your page, You have a 4 year old to ~ WOW ~ You are going to have to grow up fast . Very sad you say how great they are, but no mention of the other 2 ~SAD. All the children are the greatest  kids in the world!!!!!! All these people that feel 4 You are %^&,  I feel 4 the children, because your a selfish brat. Show your husband my comment so he will understand what a big mistake he made. I would like to tell him he should of thought of his children 1st. :( Is the 4 year old his too?

[binnks]

The way you talk about him is very sad,( but how do I handle this kid ) If I was him I wouldn't care 4 you too. The person above saying you are the boss, is were parents make the biggest mistake! Nobody is the boss of anybody, parents need to show respect, so children will learn how to respect!! As I see it you are to young in your mind to even have your own child. Grow up and understand that these children were there first, the little boy is hurting, he wants his father and all you do is shove it in his face that dad has a new baby and your the family. Their like outsiders that come and go. Your husband is the parent not the aunt or his mom, if you meant your husbands mom. The children should be in the family home with their father and new sibling! The son should have time alone with his father, he is a boy coming into manhood that needs a dad. The daughter needs time with her daddy too. You have to learn how to love these kids when you married their dad, you should have understood the kids were your family too. Everybody has ADD now, gives them something to blame 4 been the person they are. I would take him off the meds! But this is the parents way out of not having to parent their children, lets keep them medicated. I know You have it too, like everyone else and their OCD. It's sad to see a long line of kids at lunch time at school waiting 4 the nurse to hand out their meds so they can be like zombies. That way the teachers don't have to deal with them being children, if they don't have respect 4 the teacher it's because their parents didn't teach them. Most of the time it's the teachers that tell the parents to take them to the Dr. > Example when my child was in 2nd grade the teacher told me she must have ADD and I should put her on meds because she worked so slow, not because she was any trouble she was to shy and was always good. Then goes on to tell me how her son has ADD, takes meds and now she didn't have to worry he was stupid anymore, because he gets all his work done. I told her no my child will not ever take meds 4 this so called ADD and she just needs extra help. My child is now going to graduate this year, has A and will be going to a good college next year near home. If I would have put her on meds she would not be the wonderful person she is today. Her head would be all fogged up with medication. I was a stay at home mom to till recently and went back to school 4 MA. I brought so many children in to the Dr. because their teacher told them to come in because they think they have ADD ~ So SAD. And the kids that come in that are already on meds, they would tell me how they hate it, they don't feel like their the same person. The parents always tell them will see what the Dr. says. Well the Dr. I worked 4 loved to put them on meds, because when she sent them to the pharmacy at that Medical center, she would make money, the pharmacy would make money and the drug company makes money. Then their all happy. I no longer work 4 her because I found this sickening. I already Know most Dr. will not agree with this, but some do. > Read my response to the post above yours - disrespectful. Your baby will not be little forever, she will be walking before you no it and your going to have to teach her along with your new children. If YOU don't start to realize these are your children now, You will be divorced by the time your 30, that little girl will get older and see how your birth child is more important then her and her brother and you think the little boy is mean, wait till she's 10, 12, 14. Grow Up Now ~ Your a MOM of 3!!!! Sorry to be hard on you, but somebody has to tell you 4 these kids. Good luck to You :) Now go start been a FAMILY :)

[babygirl6152]

you will eventually bond with him but it takes lots of effort and you will have to share with him one on one time- divorce is crazy-

But your husband blaming you? you are so young- I am not sure this comes very naturally- are you letting him get into arguments with you? Your husband should take care of that- I will not allow any child argue with me- think before what you want to say before you say it- you are so young I really can't imagine you have a lot of experience with a big family- it all just takes time and lots of love- but as much as it hurts- as young as you are he probably sees you as more of his equal than an authority figure- The more mature and rational you act, the more he will learn to respect you- you are going to have to earn it- I know it's not fair, but I am trying to see his side too.

[g27gear]

I read some of your other posts. It sounds like there's a lot more to it than just the kids. I hope it all works out for you.

[g27gear]

I know it's hard when you're so young and don't really have any experiance dealing with being a parent to a 12 year old boy. My mom married a guy that was only 20 when I was 10 and we had out problems. Keep trying to communicate with your husband. You can't replace the blood bond you have with your own child. In a situation like your's; you love for you husband has to carry you a long way.
Give youself a big hug and smile!

[sarabeth347]

THANK YOU G27GEAR. HE DOES UNDERSTANT TO A POINT BUT NOT LIKE HE SHOULD I AM ONLY 23 AND I HAVE A BOND WITH MY BABY I COULD NOT HAVE WITH ANYONE ELSE

[g27gear]

I understand your frustration. When my stepkids moved in, I had such a hard time with the younger one. He has been spoiled by his extended family all his short life and was not use to not getting everything he wanted. It took time and patience and a general knowledge that a 4 year old couldn't bite through the skin no matter how hard he tried. We learned to love eachother and have a great father/son relationship now.
I really feel for you though, because at 12 years old, he's become his own person and getting him to respect you is going to be difficult. Your husband needs to know how hard it is on you, and support your decisions you make concerning the kids while he's not home. He needs to reinforce that they need to treat you with respect and that you're the boss when he's not home.
Keep us updated with how it's going...