Parent Of An Older Child That Goes Potty In Their Pants On Purpose??
Are you the parent of an older child that you suspect may be going potty in their pants on purpose? I wanted to offer to the parents of today the very, very, very rare opportunity to hear the full story from the other side of this issue, in one example of how it first began, why it started, and how it was cured! I was that pants pooper, and family and friends and doctors and counselors were the helpers, but I was the one who brought it to a finalization, a cure! Because Only the child can end it, they has to make that choice, and make it stick! The following posts will be my personal experience with this issue and how I was able to be broken from it, giving a step by step example with some modern adaptations added: If you has an older child and you know that they're pooping, and/or peeing also, in their pants on purpose and you've been through all the medical procedures and they still won't stop going potty in their pants, and you've tried Everything to get them to stop it, and Nothing has worked as of yet; then the posts I put bellow may offer sum suggestive, only, advice on ways not given so far on forum yet.... I even ran this through a word processor to correct spelling and grammar! Because of my Autism Syndrome Disorder I don't type very well otherwise- because talking is very, very hard for me, I normally spell things the way they sound, so I can better relate in my mind how to say the words aloud.
Please Read bellow ~
And Add Your Own Input Also ~
***Hopefully, this page will become very, very helpful for many, I hope so!!!***
To start with really quick background, born undiagnosed until age 13 with Autism Syndrome Disorder (ASD). Very difficult time with potty-training. Success at age 5. Mild issues with daytime wetting and bedwetting pretty much whole life, until learning how to put bladder on routine rhythm on and off success with that. BUT then age 7-8 I developed an unhealthy obession... it all started at a Friend's house when his baby sister pooped in her diaper, right next to me, and I heard it happen... from that moment on for some odd reason I developed an obsessive response to it, of wondering and imagining to myself what it would be like if I could do the same thing too. One day I carried my fantasies into reality and acted on them... It also seems that because I wasn't very good at adjusting to the peer world around me and I had a lot of internal termiol going on inside of me, no one else was made aware of at the time... that pooping in my pants was an action way of doing something I wanted to do emotionally, but could not, dump all the bad and sad feelings out! I was treated very badly by peers in school, and told no one, and didn't want to talk about it either... Yet I couldn't escape the pressure of those painful feelings, and so I used pooping in my pants as my way of letting go of it all. And I would sit for as long as I could with poop in my pants, because it made me feel constantly reminded that I had relief somewhere in my life from pressures I was pent up with emotionally!
In my mind the act of pooping was related to a release, and I had attached that emotionally to the release of my problems and internal struggles that I hid deep within me, unvoiced and unhealed... Because of that all the time I was with poop in my pants I could internally imagine it represented my untold stress, and now it was in my pants, out of me! Not true, but children tend to use imagination for everything, and so I tried to convince myself that my problems were like the poop in my pants, I had released them... that was the comfort I got from feeling and smelling the poop and knowing it was there in my pants, tangibly. Probably not for all, but that is my personal experience of it. At the same time, I unknowingly developed an unhealthy taste for my body's adrenaline, because breaking such a cardinal rule was so intense that it literally flooded me with adrenaline when I would poop my pants. My Mommy didn't find out about it, at least confrontation of it, until age 9, by that time I had started losing control of the situation!
What I did not know or realize at that time, was that I was pooping my pants on a regular basis and usually around the same time every day, and in fact, I was doing the same thing parents do to teach a child potty use, I was slowly teaching my brain to develop the act of pooping in my pants, and matter of fact, my brain adapted to that training and began carrying out those actions on its own! That was what caused me to be discovered by my Mommy! I kept it hidden from age 7 to age 8, until age 9, but then at 10 years old Daddy got a divorce and my emotional stress went through the roof, it triggered me to poop my pants more often, more regularly; and by increasing the times I did it, and how often I did it, unknowingly I started a process that was actually, slowly, unpotty-trianing me! By age 11 I wanted to stop and quit it, but I couldn't understand why I was having such accidents over it, and then when I did know ahead of time, I felt so lost in this alternate universe, that I just went on purpose and never did anything to help make the problem better. I was emotionally invested into it, and I had hooked myself on the adrenaline from taking larger and larger risks in the acts; it started in the woods, then at home, then in bed, then at school, then in stores, eventually at extended family homes and then everywhere at anytime with no remorse! By the time I admitted to myself that I had a serious problem with this- it was far too late! I had trained my brain for so long to respond to the need to go, by simply going, that my brain actually developed its own route memory for the action and began carrying out the whole process without any thought at all! I had trapped myself in my own addiction!!!!
Refusing to admit any involvement in it, no one knew of the training I had given to my brain in the beginning of the whole situation, and so nobody even knew that, that was an issue and part of the problem! In my example it required a rude awakening to the reality of facing complete incontinence treatment! The act of being made to wear a big baby diaper 24/7 and be cared for like a toddler! Having nurses change me and treat me like a baby, and not caring at all if anyone else could see me unclothed while they changed me! It was absolutely humiliating!!!! This situation had become devastating!!!! I had to own up to it, admit my role in it, and finally make a personal choice to fight it! The thing that woke me up... seeing a nurse remove my soiled diaper and drop it into a bin marked Biohazard Material at a hospital!!!! I finally burst my imaginary bubble and woke to the reality of how disgusting my behavior was! And thought to myself... How stupid has I allowed myself to become?? And that was when I made an effort and cooperation to end the problem for good! The following posts give a step by step example of how I was pulled out of this horrible prison of an addiction, and I was able to break FREE at age 15, and was mentally stable by age 18, and was able to enlist in the United States Navy and live out a very fulfilling career serving the United States of America as a Soldier ~ Hoorah! ~ SO THERE IS HOPE -IF- Dealt With Properly!!! You just need to find your child's child-specific cure for it! Every child is different, but the following advice attempts to remedy the situation from every possible positive angle...
Never ever place an older child into any diaper product unless instructed to do so by a licensed, practicing doctor! In this case a diaper is an enabler and will work against successful recovery from the issue! Only at very specific times do I ever personally recommend the use of pull-ups. For this specific issue those things will be enablers, aiding the problem to becoming worse! Unless your child is already going potty in their pants 24/7 already, any diaper product will invite that opportunity, and even make way for wetting on top of the pooping problem! Stay Strong, don't give in, the struggle with the regular clothes is more promising than the opportunity for total diaper dependence!
OK, from personal experience - One Possible Way you could treat the not-medical-part of the problem... Pick a time when the child is at their worst (they have pooped pants, their currently wearing), try to make the confrontation in their room, You go in and sit on their bed, and say; "Only One time I will do this, Because I need you to know that I Love you more than anything and accept you just as you are... So I would like you to come and sit in My lap, Because I really need to talk to you about some very, very important things that has to do with your future..." (sacrifice on your part); Tell them how much you Love them and accept them, and all the wonderful plans you has for them.... make it very, very, very comforting for the child!
After you has them comforted and open to hearing, you has to has them open to hearing first: Then you begin explaining to them all the bad things that can happen to them if they don't fix their problem, i.e. they could be forced to wear baby diapers, and has to go to handicapped school classes and be treated like a baby and not be able to make it end, ever, because if school gets involved its too late then! And they will not put up with the problem in high school at all! Or even the authorities could take them away from home and has them put into an institution where they will has NO TV, NO Video Games, NO Friends, and they can't go outside, just a bed and baby diapers they will be forced to wear and nurses that change them and treat them like a baby, and doctors that constantly treat them with medicines for the rest of their life.... forever like that, all alone, in a tiny little room! IF they're old enough, give them the Full reality! When you has explained all the bad things that will happen if they don't stop, Then you look them right in the eyes and tell them *every time* that you've *known* they were doing it on purpose, tell them in full detail, so they know, that you know! They're not fooling you at all- you know! You can make an opportunity for them to explain themselves at that time, if they will open up to you about it.
You explain to the child that you know they've been doing it on purpose, and because of that they has trained their brain how to poop their pants without even thinking! Walk them through the process of toilet training, and show them how repetitive behaviors train the brain to do things without thinking; for example: Walking: how much time do you spend knowing where your feet are at? Back when you trained yourself to walk, your brain also trained itself how to walk without even thinking about it! So explain to them every time that they poop in their pants, Every time you do it on purpose, whether anyone knows you did it on purpose or not, you are training your brain to do that without any thought! And that is going to cause you to end up being put in baby diapers if you don't stop that behavior! They need to understand that they will lose all control over it, if it continues, and they will not be able to keep themselves from pooping, no matter where they are or what they're doing! And big school won't put up with it, they will have you placed into handicap school with mentally handicapped children! Or they will take you from home, away from everything, and you will never be able to get out, or get back home! This is a very very serious situation and it has to stop now and stop forever!!!!
Now back to the Love, because you will only win this war through unconditional Love! Comfort them and assure them that you are there to help them! You want the Best for them! Tell them again the plans you have for their life! Then go right back to the toilet-training issue: Explain to them that it's very, very important that they retrain their brain! And explain to them that you will do that, not through charts or rewards; but because you Love them and want the very, very Best for them! Tell them you will be their Coach, helping them in every way to get over their problem! To keep them from going to that dark and scary future that waits ahead of them now. Reassure them that you are there for them! Tell them not to be afraid to tell you *anything* that's involved with this problem! Position Yourself As Your Child's Team Coach, You Want Them To Win, You're There To Help Them Win, Let Them Know That You're There To Help Them... By Accepting Your Child, And *Show* That, By Respectfully Listening To Their Absurd Reasons For This Situation, And *Kindly* Talking Them Through Much Better Alternatives Beyond The Situation!!! ***Never Ever Correct A Child's Openness About A Bad Behavior*** You Will Cut Them Off And Shut Them Down; Simply Hand Them Better Alternatives To The Bad Behavior, And In That You Will Gain Their Trust And Their Respect, And They Will Open Up More And More To You!!!
Explain to them that it is OK to not succeed, with this situation you may even expect some setbacks, let them know that up-front! Make sure that they know they will not be punished for telling you about their accidents, and even when they did it on purpose; talk it out, have them apologize to you- keep them on the Good track! Make sure that they know if they don't tell you about an event and you find out, that they will be severely punished, i.e. loss of privileges etc. As long as they remain open and honest about this, and maintain a close relationship with you in it, they will NOT receive any punishments at all; even if they do it on purpose and admit to doing it on purpose- for weeks even!! You has to keep the larger picture in focus: This requires positive direction and support, and it's a team effort- IF either one of you backs out, it will not work.
Now you need to explain to them everything you went over about the brain and toilet training! This is where you demand their full cooperation! You instruct them that the only way to break out of this mess, is by retraining their mind to do the correct thing when they get the signal to poop! And that they MUST do exactly what you're telling them now: Every time that they know they need to go, they MUST run as fast as they can and be sure to use the toilet! When at home they will be required, IF, they poop in their pants to remove their clothes, and while sitting on the toilet empty the soiled underwear into the toilet, if possible, there are variables with that part. They must sit on the toilet and imagine themselves using the toilet every time! And you tell them that only they can make this work, they have to want it! IF not, there is no good future for them! You has to put the hard facts in their face and make them swallow them! And be absolutely consistent with the training! Potty-train them the exact same way you did the first time! Only now being more direct, more stern, and very much more forceful and inflexible about leniencies...
BUT Remember: **You Are The Coach** The Coach never makes the negative the focus, the Coach always stresses the positive! The Coach always pushes his little ones to achieve, by setting goals in front of them, and helping them understand how to reach those goals! The Coach always takes things one step at a time! You don't run out onto the stadium field, you start at little leagues in constant practice, training the same moves over and over and over! A Good Coach is always full of motivation and inspiration! You are very firm, but you are always positive! You make the child put all their attention on their successes, and the possibilities of success! Shortcomings are always a minor issue, they get handled, they get taken care of, and you go right back to success and future hopes! Keep all the focus on a brighter future and the huge amount of Love you have for your child!
During the retoilet-training, Explain fully the purpose of this next helper if their struggling really bad with toilet use: You will tell them that you want them to see and experience that there is more to the world than this problem! Fully explain that this is not for reward, this is so that they can see beyond their problem and learn that there is more to life out there than what they have even begun to experience so far! So you want to, if possible, take them out places they have never been before! i.e. amusement parks, camping, kid's play lands etc. And explain to them why this is so very, very important for them to get away from the problem! You will, at your discretion, then explain to them, *Only* during these events you will allow them to wear a pull-up: because you fully explain, You want them to forget all about the problem, and see what else is out in the world beyond all of it! Tell them that you will take full responsibility for checking them, and cleaning them up, and they won't has to worry about anything related to the problem during this event trip!
**Any problem that becomes the ONLY known universe around someone, totally immersed in it, will take over their whole life and block out anything else in the rest of the world!!!!** That's a Fact!!!! Your whole goal in taking new trips and allowing them to have pull-ups during those events, is to take their focus off of the problem and realize and understand that there is more to life than the tiny closed off universe known as "the problem" This will also help you out, as you will finally get to see another side of your child you may not has seen in years! I would recommend highly, that you do get the child to wear a pull-up during the events, and fully and completely explain to them why this is so important for them! Very shortly into the event they might forget they even have a pull-up on, if successful, their focus will shift to the event and they will be fully engaged into it! No matter what needs they have, even you suddenly notice they've wet themselves, don't say anything during the event- just remain calm, focused, and determined to achieve the Goal- show them that there is more to the world beyond their tiny little problem!
When the event is over, IF a power struggle erupts over the loss of pull-ups, which should be done in a personal space always: Firmly remind them the two possible futures they face! Make them know that a pull-up is one step away from baby diapers! Remind them of all the fun they had, and inform them that if they become dependant on diapers it all goes away! A Good Coach expresses care, respect, and acceptance; yet is very firm about winning, and always has winning in mind! You must be caring, respectful, and accepting; but you must also be solid firm and unshakable about the rules- if they throw a fit, let them: Just tell them this before they go into it: "Child" you're the only one who can make this problem go away forever! You can make it go, or you can make it stay! At 10 years old, if it stays, then you can be in baby diapers and be responsible for changing them yourself! But listen: If you chose to work with me on this, if you keep trying, we can forget the diapers, forget the messy pants, you can be FREE from this, if You keep trying and don't give up! Don't look back, keep looking forward... You can do this! I believe in you! I'm here for you, I'm with you! I'm your Coach! We just has to keep at this, we keep seeing the doctors, we keep using any medicines or therapies needed, and You have to keep wanting to be FREE from it! Today you were FREE!!! All that time you totally forgot you even had a problem... that's what it's like to be FREE!!! That is our Goal, to have that Freedom all the time and forever!!!
Last bit of advice from me: ***Make The Problem Small!!!!*** Take the problem out of the center of focus. You want to put emphasis on any Good behaviors your child shows. Any shortcomings should be as trivial as learning to tie shoe laces: you deal with it when you have to, and any other time, it's completely out of focus. Any time they poop in their pants, you deal with it, you counsel them and instruct them, you go over positive reinforcements... you fully focus on the problem while cleaning up after it- Then once the mess is gone and the child is in clean clothes again, you don't say another word about it. Make The Problem Small!!!! Make conversation about anything other than the problem. Take their mind off of the problem as much as possible. You encourage them during cleanup to get to the toilet next time, and make sure they know it's their responsibility! So you don't make a huge fuss of it. And your role in reminding them is very small. It's their responsibility, they must chose for themselves to fix this situation! Only they can end it!! Make sure they know this and fully understand!
IF you hit a sudden wall in the middle of this- the child raises their will up in defiance and makes no effort at all to cooperate with resolving the problem on their own: Then it's time to hit them with serious punishment- However, if you have an atmosphere of Love and Caring and mutual Respect established- the only thing you has to do, is turn that off!! IF they defy you, then tell them they will scrub out their underwear, and deal with their own messes by themselves! And shutdown your Friendship with them! Let them taste what it's like to be out there all alone with nothing but their problem! No treats, No special affection, everything's been cut off, and they're all by themselves, now forced to handle it all alone, by themselves! The Goal is to give them a true taste of isolation! 9 out of 10 kids will come to you sad and quiet and apologize, and beg you to come back into their life; and they will yield to your demands! When you has a Loving relationship, filled with unconditional Love, it takes very little to enforce the rules! All you has to do really, is just cut them off from your affection, and 9 out of 10 will run back and embrace the rules you have set!!!
So in this war you will has to be: Loving and Firm, Caring and Stern, Respectful and Instructional, Accepting and Unwaveringly Committed, Trusting and Disciplinary, Guiding and Correcting!!! Wonder how the military takes in every possible American and ends up with a Soldier ~ Firm, Respectful, Encouraging, Discipline, Instruction, and Guidance!!! You cannot be too hard, You cannot be too soft - You MUST be a perfectly balanced combination of BOTH!!!!
In boot camp the instructor will teach a new thing with a calm but firm voice... fail to achieve that new skill, and the instructor becomes a loud force to be reckoned with!!!! That's the military way of saying I is here to help you, but don't do what I say, and I will show no slack... This Is How It Is... do it this way or no way at all!!!!
You use the quiet times when you talk to the child and cuddle them and hug them and affirm them- to reinforce those moments when you stand tall and demand: This Is How It Will Be!! So that they know you truly Love them, and this has to be important, and it must be out of Love, and it's something that must be done in order to grow the relationship and strengthen the bonds of Friendship between parent and child!
So you take that same military firmness and dial it down a few notches and that's how you use affection versus no affection: The strong-willed child must know that the Mommy and/or Daddy is the ultimate Authority in the home, and there is no way but the parent's way!! Because in this issue, if you lose, they lose!! Either everyone wins, or everyone loses!!!!
Final thoughts: Keep at the positive reinforcement! I always focus on the positive! If they're addicted to adrenaline, get them hooked on amusement rides instead- way more of a kick!!!! If they has emotional problems, spending long quality times with them, letting them tell you anything with NO judgment and NO correction, no matter how much you want to- sit there calmly and then go somewhere else and scream in a pillow if you has to! Be the emotional release they might need so badly! Each and every bit of advice given here is meant to treat a different aspect of the problem's root cause!!! A child willfully pooping in their pants is not the problem- that is a symptom of the actual problem, which is in fact, buried deep within the child! It could be medical, physical, mental, or even emotional. Each bit of advice is aimed at uncovering that hidden problem- the actual problem! Solve the problem and the symptoms will go away!!!
And, that, as they say, Is All I Has To Say!!! May You Always Has The Very Best ~Have A Good Day~
~POSSIBLE END TO CHRONIC DIAPER DEPENDENCE IN OLDER CHILDREN~
This is suggestive, only, nonprofessional advice: This took a lot of thought to word in the best possible way due to specific people's feelings on this matter, and not wanting to be disrespectful towards *anyone* Because it seems like this particular situation is absolutely hopeless! Great News: It Is Not!!! You know your child better than anyone else: But, to start with, make sure you check every possible avenue: physical, mental, and even emotional. DO NOT use charts, rewards, or pull-ups: you has one opportunity to do this right! You will in this case treat your child as a human being. Look at them as a human person, understanding that human beings have a myriad of different needs, and quite often they tend to seek fulfillment in wrong areas, more often in illegal drugs, also in suicidal tendencies... so this situation is not as bad as others. Yet, to ensure a happy, healthy, fulfilled, lifestyle the human person will need to remove this behavior; because it is not compatible with the school life norm, and will alienate them from the social world around them!
IF you are not familiar with unconditional Love, then buy a book on it, learn it, know it... that is your Only Hope!!! You must use the power of unconditional Love to reach the child's heart and soul!! You must has the time to sit down with them in that atmosphere of being absolutely Honest with how much you Love them, Care about them, and want the very Best for them- And in that atmosphere you look them right in the eyes and lay it plain out where they can see it- This is your possible futures: #1: In high school they will not tolerate this situation at all! More than likely the child will be forced to attend mentally handicapped classes with mentally handicapped children. No one admits to it, but it is more time convenient and less hassle, if there is no immediately adjacent room, to lay the children down on a changing mat to change their diapers in plain sight of all the other boys and girls... because teachers, assuming all the children in the class are mentally handicapped, do not see any problem in that. Therefore your child stands to has a 50/50 chance of being changed in front of his own mentally handicapped peers! Nobody admits this, but face it, if there's not an adjacent room, getting a handicapped child through hallways to be changed... too much of a hassle! #2: Child Services could seize the child, blaming *You* for their lack of toilet-training, upon discovering no available way for them to train the child, they WILL has the child put into a mental ward! The child will be locked behind handless doors with NO TV, NO Video Games, and NO Friends!!!! You Need to make sure that your child understands that these possibilities are very, very real!!!!
I know only One possible way to end willful diaper dependence: You Need strength, courage, determination, and a will ten times stronger than your child's! Best case scenario: I would think for most effective results- a full 7 day camping trip! You will want to get as far away from society as you can possibly get. For this I would recommend a skilled hunter with fire arms for protection from any wildlife:
You would want to has 7 sleeping bags, disposable bed pads, large trash bags, a large child's potty chair, and a heap of T-shirts and regular boxer shorts. The Goal: Remove every single element of child's dependence on diapers, and institute radical potty-training!!!! At chronic stages a minor problem has become a bad habit, that has gone on for so long it becomes an alternate lifestyle! Some people chose that lifestyle, that is they're choice to make, but you cannot recommend that liberty to a child, because there are pressing factors involved with childhood; including social isolation, severe consequences from civil authorities, and you MUST fully think through a high schooler trying to go through high school in a diaper, not as a toy fetish, No, someone dependant on diapers: they wear and use it 24/7, to include during class. So, please, think this fully through before posting any hate comments in response.
As it is, any adult can make their own choices on how they want to live their lives, but a child is the parent's responsibility! This advice is intended to help the child to be spared from the real horrors of this situation in the midst of school life. So any place that you can find to be able to has the child kept there, separated from the rest of society, and given only shirts and boxers to wear. And while you are there you has a large child's potty, and you strictly enforce the use of that potty! As the parent, you has One opportunity remaining to pull the child away from diaper dependence, you has to make this stick the very first time! IF done correctly, by full removal of every crutch and every enjoyed sensation, leaving them cut off from everything they've developed an attachment to, you stand the possibility of curing them from diaper dependence! BUT you must do all of it out of Love and Care, full of Patience and Persistence!!!
So during that time you has that long talk with your child, you go over the whole event with them, let them know everything! You help them realize why it is so very important, and why they need to give it their very Best and try as hard as they can to make it work. You cannot do this against the child's will!! You can Only do this with your child's full cooperation!! If they refuse the idea, then you've done all that you can do... their life will be in their hands, and their choices! BUT if they want help, if they agree to this, then do everything you can to make it work for them! IF you can get them to relinquish trust in diapers and take the leap to allow their body to prove itself; most of these posts sound like the children has not ever fully relied on their body, and don't realize that the body can maintain control of itself without the aid of diapers! All you may need to do is assure the child that they will be ok without a diaper on, and 7 weeks of intensive potty-training may work for that!!! The older they get, the more set in their ways they become- You MUST resolve the issue as swiftly as possible, at the youngest possible age. IF a child refuses any intervention, then you MUST force them to learn how to change themselves, because they will be like that their whole life, and they will have to know how to take care of themselves. So, though it sounds cruel, actually if that is their choice, then training them to take care of themselves will prepare them to live on their own and be able to take care of themselves... so no matter how it ends up, you MUST train them to change themselves!
This is one area where a child has to make the choice- no one can force someone to use a toilet; so make everything plain and clear to them, lay it all out, fight as hard as you can to get them to make the right choice- the ability to has Friends in high school, even a Girl Friend maybe! Once they graduate they can do anything they chose with their life, but this lifestyle is not compatible with school and healthy self-esteems. That is all I has for suggestions, hope it helps someone!
i started pooping in my pants when i was mayby 11 years old or so then it got so bad that i stole diapers from stores then one time i got caught that was no fun but i just open it i didnt take any at all i just wanted to feel it to get the releave of what ever. my child hold was bad that i dont remember any of it just bits of pieces of it i still buy diaper in im 24 i wish i can stop but i just cant dont know why. i quest it like im restarting my childhood in diapers. i must be so broken inside i most have block everything from my childhood.
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