This patient support community is for discussions relating to the challenges of parenting children (age 6-12), including physical development, handling school & classes, emotional development, cognitive development, and games and activities.
Today, I had to take my daughter to the dr. for an ear infection. She is new to this dr. office and I of course had to answer some family history questions. The subject of her father and her little brother come up and I had to answer these questions in front of her. here is the situation. I had my daughter when I was 18. Her biological father, whom I will refer to as JF, wanted nothing to do with her. He tried blaming her on every tom **** and harry in my neighborhood. (I never once cheated on him) She is the spitting image of him now. When she was 1 month old, I got with my now ex-husband, CP. He decided to raise her as his own (as he did with his oldest son). He was abusive with me mentally and physically. We had a son together and he is now 4. I am now happily remarried to a wonderful man who loves me and my kids very much, mr. wonderful. Anyway, I had to answer these questions in front of my daughter this morning at the dr. office and most of them about her father were yes or no questions that I could just nod my head to, but she still looked and seen my answers. Then I let the cat out of the bag basically when I informed them that my son is her half brother and that he is mine, not her fathers. She said "momma, I thought that [my son] was my full brother?!?" and I just shook my head no at her. She didn't pursue these questions any further, but I know my daughter all to well and I am sure that her mind is racing. I owe it to her to tell her the truth and let her decide if she still wants to have a relationship with CP and if she wants to meet JF, I will arrange for that when she is a little bit older. How do I break this to her easily? I plan on telling her this week.
Start with the fact that her brother is still her brother and she is still his sister. Then slowly explain from the beginning the generals between you and her biological father (allowing her to ask question as she feels she needs to). Then move on to the man she has always thought as dad and let her know that you are open to letting her meet her biological father. A dad isn't the man who gave up the sperm, a dad is the man that was there for a the ouchies, fevers and hugs. Hope this helps.
slowly tell her what the truth is if she has a question let her but don't tell to much stop after a little if see wants more go ahead. btw if you need more just ask I have something like this were my older brother never told me something so yeah if yeha need help ask me or teddy that was a good anser my friend
Thank you both for all your help. As it turns out, yesterday, she was asking my sister in law questions about her cousins (who are only half siblings). I had planned on telling my daughter the truth when I got home from work (she's been coming to work with me b/c she is sick). Anyway, I work with my sister in law. Like I said my daughter was asking her questions and then when my sister in law answered them, my daughter turned to me and said "So, Momma how is Logan only my half brother?" So, I took advantage of that moment and took her in a private room and I just told her the truth. I was sensitive about it, but I was completely blunt. I didn't sugar coat it. But, still sensitive to it. She had A LOT of questions, but I answered them all straight up. No lies, no sugar coating. And of all the emotions she felt, she wasn't mad and she wasn't hurt. She wears her heart on her sleeve, so I would have known if she felt hurt. She said that even though CP isn't her real daddy, she still loves him and he will always be her daddy. I told her that was up to her. She also asked to meet JF. I told her that I would show her a picture of him and I told her she has a sister (his other daughter) and they actually know each other and like each other. I told her when she is about 10 or 11, I would let her meet him because for one I don't know how to get in touch with him and secondly, he may not be ready for her to meet him (he was when she was 4, but I wasn't telling her then) and also if he decides that he doesn't want to have a relationship with her, she will be able to handle it a little bit better than she would now. In the end she decided that she is lucky b/c she has 3 daddys ( JF, CP, and Mr. Wonderful) Then yesterday when it was almost time to go home, she came to me and threw her arms around my neck and squeezed me as hard as she could and said "Thank You Momma for telling me the truth. I love you so much!" I told her that I loved her too and that I would never lie to her about anything and anytime she had questions, to ask. Now, to see where things go.
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