Worried about my stepson - 8 years old and still poops his pants, won't stop licking his lips

Hi there,

My 8 year old stepson is still pooping in his pants on a fairly regular basis. We've had him to the doctor and he takes mineral oil and has used enemas to deal with the compacting and constipation. We've also changed his diet and set aside times where he has to "try" to go to the bathroom. We've tried incentives, punishments, frank discussions, and nothing seems to work. In addition to this, he licks his lips constantly which has created a ring of irritation around his mouth. He's been to the doctor for this and we use a medicated cream to try to make it better. However, he continues to lick them so they never heal. We're concerned that both of these issues are the result of underlying stress or some sort of emotional problem. Things are pretty stable in our home - we don't fight, we've been together for a long time, have lived in the same residence for several years and the same neighbourhood for as long as he can remember. In his mother's home, however, there is a revolving door of boyfriends and they move to a new home at least once a year. Since my stepson has been little, he's lived with 3 different men, all who turned out to be violent alcoholics (fortunately, he was never - as far as we know - directly exposed to any of this). Plus, he's met 3 other boyfriends who have take him to extracurricular activities, pick him up from school, and babysit him. His mom does not have a support network, so we think she relies on boyfriends for help with parenting (although we've offered to help as much as is required). Do you think this situation might be resulting in the lip-licking and the prolonged toilet-training issues? My husband has tried to discuss this with the child's mother but she is not willing to entertain such a conversation. What should we do? We are worried about him and want him to get better, especially since these habits are causing problems for him at school. Help us!

[ticked]

hmm this is very sad. Is there any way that your husband could fight for full custody to remove him from this situation?  It might have to do with the stress level he might have at his mothers house.

The best thing is to not get mad at him for these behaviours as most of the time they are caused by something.

How long has he been pooing in his pants for?  

the mouth thing might be just be a nervous thing that he does, I wouldnt be so worried about that at this time.  

Have you talked to him about whats going on, you individually, or his dad?  His dad would be best but even having a conversation to find out how he is feeling and what is bothering him. He might be afraid to tell you and say nothing is wrong.

Let him know that you love him and that you want to help and that he can trust you.  Tell him that the only way to help him is to find out whats wrong.

He might not even know, it might be a sub conscience sort of thing.

Have you tried a child therapist?  

[Sumanadevii]

The last thing  I would do is punish or reward the child for pooping his pants.  He needs some professional help.

[crookedmouth]

Well, we don't reward him for pooping in his pants. We reward him for NOT pooping in his pants. As for punishment, we tried taking away privleges, such as TV time, when he does it, but we have since stopped because we don't want to contribute to potential stress levels and it doesn't seem to have any impact. We do, however, require him to wash any clothing that he soils. And, yes, he has been seeing professionals but we are going to try a child therapist or someone who can explore the emotional/psychological aspects of this issue rather than just the physical.

[crookedmouth]

Thanks so much for your thoughful reply.

We have explored the possibility of sole custody but I think this would do more harm than good. He loves his mother and I think he would experience far too much stress and a real sense of loss if he were to spend less time with her. Also, despite her faults, she's not all bad. But I totally understand why you made this suggestion.

And, yes, despite the frustration that results from constantly having to clean up poo, we try to avoid getting mad or seeming mad or doing anything that would cause additional stress. We do, however, insist that he clean his own messes, as this was suggested by his doctor and various reputable publications.

We try to talk to him but if we ask him if anything is bothering him, he usually just responds with something about his Pokemon or how he doesn't like brushing his take - the typical "kid" response. I'm hoping that a child therapist, as you suggested, can ask him questions in such a way that some actually information is gained.

Thanks again. Take care.

a.

[Sumanadevii]

I think it is a wise decision to have him clean the clothing himself.  It makes him take responsibility.  See!!!  You are one step ahead of the professionals...Still, I do think it is smart to seek outside help.