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Avatar universal

Worried my daughter is trying smoking

Im a single mom, with a 9 year old daughter who means the world to me, and Im starting to get worried about her trying smoking and I wasnt sure where to post this question.

Shes a great girl, an A student, and unfortunately a latch key kid just like I was at that age. This week shes on spring break, and just yesterday I came home to our little apartment and noticed that her room smelled like someone had been smoking in there recently. Now, Ive been a smoker for not quite 20 years, around 2 packs a day, and although Ive never been able to quit at least Ive been good about avoiding smoking inside the apartment around my daughter too much. I smoke only in my bedroom and occasionally in the kitchen or living room, but never ever in my daughter's room since she has asthma. I feel terrible about it sometimes, but Im trying to be the best mom I can under the circumstances.

I asked her about it, why her room smelled like smoke and she just got real quiet and didnt say anything. She knows shes not supposed to lie to me, and she doesnt, so I guess she just didnt answer me because she didnt want to say. I try to keep my cigarettes and lighters put up, but shes a smart girl and she knows that I usually keep at least one or two open cartons in my nightstand drawer. I dont really keep a close count of my packs, so I cant say for sure if Im missing a pack or not, but I dont like the way this headed.

I really really DONT want my daughter to become a smoker like me. I tell her all the time what an awful, nasty habbit it is, and how she should never ever try smoking, not even once. She is way way too young to even be fooling around with this, an no age is ever a good time to start. I told her that again yesterday, but she was just quiet and non-responsive. I told her that I may have to ground her unless she tells me what happened, but Ive never actually had to to use much discipline with her ever before, so I dont know if Im going about this right or not.
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Avatar universal
Ask your daughter if she really wants to be addicted for life.

I started smoking young and ended up addicted to nearly chain smoking before trying Nicorette 4mg ice mint gum and lozenges. They are not a magic drug that makes u stop smoking, they are addictive too and now i am addicted to them and I still smoke cigarettes. The cravings are insane and my body totally depends on using Nicorette and depends on smoking a menthol while sucking a lozenge. I've been stuck in public without nicorettes crying to a friend as I chain smoke to stop the quivering, twitches, stomach cramp-like shivers and my mind screaming for nicotine,

Tell her cigarettes are for life. She could end up like me if she smokes, an uncontrollable addict.
Helpful - 0
1444278 tn?1416856415
I know this "advice" goes against the grain but, face it, if she really wants to smoke, she will regardless of what you  do and especially if you can't stop. I know someone else who faced a similar situation, though her daughter was a little older (age 11). After the grounding, after the hiding, after all the dishonesty she still ended up a smoker and, by 13, was openly smoking in front of everyone. It's not the end of the world. As I recall, Joni Mitchell started smoking at 9 and, I suppose, so have many others. Given today's smoking climate, I wouldn't fight it and just set some reasonable parameters, like only smoking in your house. Perhaps she should also "earn" the costs involved, given the fact that you'll have to buy her cigarettes. For instance, helping with the housework may do this, or something else that helps you save time and/or money.

Perhaps she's somewhat precocious since she's obviously intelligent (school grades) and smoking doesn't change who she is. She didn't lie to you and maybe you "catching" her was her way of communicating and admitting that she now smokes.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Punishment may or may not work.  It depends on the kid.

If you aren't able to quit smoking yourself perhaps the next best thing is to make sure she cannot get her hands on your cigarettes.  She is 9 and it isn't likely going to be that easy for her to obtain them otherwise.  Take them to work with you.  Lock them in the glove compartment and keep a pack or 2 in your purse for yourself.

I saw in another post that you are considering "throwing in the towel."  I have seen many parents talk about doing this in other forums under various forms of reasoning that are at best sophistry.  Letting her smoke pretty much assures she will become addicted.  You aren't considering providing them to her are you?  Without fighting her tooth and nail every step

1) don't allow her access to any cigarettes or even butts in ashtrays in the home

2) do not allow her to smoke in your presence

3)   If she continues to smoke on the sly and you provide an allowance withdraw it and explain that you will not provide her money that can be used for cigarettes.

You do not have to justify the fact that you do it yourself.  That's true for a lot of things with kids and adults.  Are there tv shows or movies you have watched but wouldn't let her view?  If so, how did you get her to accept this?

She may sneak off and do it, assuming she somehow still gets her hands on them,  but the idea here is to minimize the chance or extent to which she becomes addicted and giving her the best chance you can of allowing her to quit on her own if she changes her mind about them when she gets older.


Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Im losing my mind here! I came home from work early today and actually caught my 9 year old daughter in the act of smoking in her room. She looked suprised to see me, but didnt have the slightest trace of looking guilty or looking like shed been caught.

I told her she better put that cigarette our right now and asked her what in the world she was doing. She almost looked confused, and just pointed down at something and said she was just doing the same thing that I was doing. I looked down and saw I had a lit cigarette in my hand that I had been smoking when I got home and had literally completely forgotten. I almost choked up, but barely managed to tell her she had to stop doing it, and just because mommy did it doesnt make it ok, then I told her that she would probably be grounded.

Then I went back to my room and just cried my eyes out. Im never going to quit smoking no matter how hard I might want to, in fact I was so upset about all of this I didnt even realize I had lit another cigarette. Ive accepted the fact that Im addicted and Im ok with it, but I just dont want this to happen to my daughter. I'm running out of ideas and dont know what else to do!
Helpful - 0
535822 tn?1443976780
thank you Hope1992 its so true, children copy , its how they learn to live their lives..from us ..
Helpful - 0
1554665 tn?1294354952
if you keep smoking your daughter will probably be a smoker too because no mater what you say it still makes it seem ok to her. my mom always told me and my sister not to smoke, but she was a heavy smoker just like you, and whadda know, me and my sister just ignored her and ended up being smokers. you can try to punish her for doing the same thing you do but thats pointless. in the end youll either have to accept the fact that shell always want to try smoking and eventually become a smoker as long as you are a smoker, although maybe shell still want to try smoking and become addicted even if you quit, or you decide you want to do something about it and try in vain to quit smoking, although that doesnt sound too likely to work it still may be your only hope.
Helpful - 0
535822 tn?1443976780
There is no doubt that if you smoke probably your daughter will ,best to go for help then share with her how hard it has been for you but you are trying hard .. Try harder, think of her, view it as a challenge .
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I think you hit the nail on the head, I have trouble disciplining or punishing my otherwise good daughter, just because I think she has been smoking, when I myself am a smoker who has always been unable to quit no matter how hard I try.

I know I should try to quit smoking, I really do, and I promise I have tried and tried before and just been unable to ever quit for good. I tried patches and gum and everything, but Ive been smoking since I was a teenager and its just a part of who I am no matter how hard I try to quit. Not that everyone doesnt have an excuse, but I also work two stressful jobs, with erratic work schedules and long hours, just to try to pay the bills and make ends meet - all so I can keep taking care of my daughter by myself. My daughter has seen me try to quit smoking before, and seen me fall back off that wagon again as well.

While I understand that quitting smoking is perhaps the prefered option - and I get that - Im looking to know if there is any other choice or option out there - since this one hasnt worked the last several times Ive tried it. Im not trying to be defensive, but I really do try to absolutely minimize my smoking indoors at our apartment, I usually only smoke two or three cigarettes a day in either the kitchen or living room. I try to go outside on the steps to smoke anytime the weather is nice, but if its nasty, I will resort to smoking in my bedroom with the door shut so the smoke doesnt bother my daughter. The big thing that has really helped the most is I saved up all of last year and bought an Air Purifier with the HEPA filter for her room, and it works marvelously. Really though, I swear Im pretty good about trying to smoke outside as much as possible, because I have tried to be very conscientious about my daughter.

As far as the Cartons thing, Im not trying to sound crazy or anything, but my mother always bought her cigarettes by the carton and would usually keep one carton in her nightstand and often times keep another carton in the ice box. I know all kinds of people who grew up that way, so it never really seemed like a big deal to me. That just seemed normal I guess, and honestly its just cheaper when I buy two cartons at the discount tobacco store and saves me a bunch of money. I suppose I could try putting my cartons under lock and key, but that just seems a little extreme.

So if yall can please look past the fact that Im a terrible-awful-no-good smoker who wants to quit but cant, and accept the fact that Im a hard working single mom trying to do her best for her daughter in a tough situation - then that might be a better place to start. I promise I will try to look into quitting again - even though I have my doubts - but in the meantime, Im really looking for any other suggestions or ideas anyone has. I dont want my daughter to end up hopelessly addicted to cigarettes like me - and she's far too young to be starting down this road - so any help or encouragement is greatly appreciated.
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
Sandy,  this has put you in a very very precarious position.  Telling your child you made mistakes in your youth and learned from them is very powerful - punishing a child for a behavior you are currently doing is very very confusing to the child.

She has asthma,  and you're smoking in her home,  everywhere except her bedroom.  Which means there's smoke in your daughter's lungs,  and she has asthma.

I think you're missing the main big point here.  This is the time to quit,  to put your money where your mouth is and show her you mean it.  And don't sugar coat how horrible the quitting process is - that would be more of a lesson to her than you grounding her or whatever you are considering doing for her copying your behavior.

Best wishes.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You should be worried not just for her but for yourself...she looks up to you and she trusts you but if your doing something in front of her she is not going to think its dangerous...cause mommy is doing it..she is worried about you too just as much as you worried about her putting a cigarette to her lips..you have CARTONS thats not good...for you especially...your killing yourself before your daughters eyes...something is really bothering you to be smoking that much and thats the problem I would look for...or your daughter will continue that habit when you leave her behind...if you confront her about a cigarette she should confront you on your car-TONS!! and tons and tons...
Helpful - 0
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