almost-6-yo unresponsive to verbal/physical affection

Hello -
I am a divorced parent. My almost-6-year-old daughter doesn't live with me. Until the past year, I had frequent visitation with her almost daily, until her mom moved away. Visitation is now about 2.5 months a year, total, spread out.

I have always showered my daughter with verbal and physical affection -- always holding her hand, carrying her frequently, kissing and hugging her often, lots of cuddling. Verbal affection too -- when she's with me, I tell her "I love you!" more times than I could count.

I have telephone contact with her, every other day, when she's not with me. And I frequently tell her how much I miss her, love her, and can't wait to see her.

The problem is that what I thought was just an immaturity of cognitive development preventing her from reciprocating this affection is now appearing to be permanent. I have tried to gently explain to her how nice it is to reciprocate when someone expresses love. On occasion, she'll reciprocate with an "I love you, too" - but more often than not, it's because she "remembered" that she's supposed to, and not because she feels it as a genuine automatic response.

More troublesome is our phone calls. We usually chit chat for a few minutes about her day and mine, until that part bores her, and she wants to make up a story (something we do, and which she enjoys). We can make up stories indefinitely, and she never gets sick of them. But when it's time to end the conversation, I'll tell her my usual parting, "Ok, honey, have a good night's sleep, and I miss you so much and love you so much too." And her response is a curt, "Ok, bye." And I have to repeat "I love you ", until she says "Iloveyoutoobye" (it sounds like one word when she says it).

My question is this -- does this sound normal? Is this expected for a child her age? I should mention that her mother and I have an awful relationship, filled with friction and acrimony, and from what I've heard from my daughter, her mom has said bad things about me, and there appears to be quite a bit of instability on her end. Basically, there exist all the ingredients for my daughter to be living in an environment that would precipitate dysfunction. So you can imagine that I have a healthy bit of concern wondering -- is this just her being a 5-year-old? Or is this an indication of parental alienation syndrome, or some variant of that?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[raymoe]

There is an old saying "You can force a horse to water, but you can`t make it drink" and my little add on is... "and if you do, it may just drown"

In all due respect, now give that saying some thought, because it may not be a fault with your young learning daughter....Regards UK Ray.

[PaperMoon3]

I think the fact that you don't live at home with her and that your relationship with her mom is bad and that the mom says bad things about you could all have an affect and make her kind of afraid to show too much affection for fear of hurting mom's feelings or feeling like she's betraying mom. I think as she gets older and understand things more she will be able to reciprocate better. But don't YOU stop showing affection and doing like you are doing. :) Keep doing what you are doing and as she grows she will understand better. :)

[24me]

Keep telling her what you tell her. This is so very important. She is so young and definitely fearful of betraying mom. I went through this exact thing @ 9. When I was in my early 20's I was soul searching. I had realized my mother's brainwashing worked on me and sought out my father to ask him what was and wasn't true. I believed every word of his. But I was angry at him for never standing up to my mom and telling her that what she was doing was wrong. She would take us to her relatives every Holiday and tell us that he had better things to do and didn't want us for the Holidays. We were too young to see through it and of course we never confronted him. My mom had all the power. It wasn't until my early 30's and 2 kids later that I realized the damage she had done was pretty permanent. It upsets me to this day that I doubted my father and sided with my mother's lies-which she still stands by today.  Make every effort to tell her you love her and get used to not hearing it back for a while. Remember, saying it is more important than hearing it back. Confront your ex and tell her she's setting your daughter up for the same future. Send her mail between visits. This will give her something to hold and look back on as a confirmation of all your love. Just think what a nice long letter from her dad would mean to a 6 year old-make sure her mom reads it to her!! Nurture your relationship and it will grow!

[nyychic]

Okay maybe I missed something but I didn't see where you say you and her mother have a bad relationship or where you said that the mother is telling her nasty things about you.  I think that to jump to this conclusion is wrong.  On the other hand if it is happening that is WRONG and abusive in my opinion and no court will stand up to it and help it.  You need to determine if this is an issue with her mother as well.  Maybe she just has a hard time putting her emotions into words and a little counseling will help her learn how to do this.  Also does she enjoy the cuddling and love etc.  if she doesn't feel comfortable with physical touching etc. that is a sign of autism.  NOT def. autism but can be a sign.  Just want to put that out there for you.  I wish you luck with your daughter.  You know that in her heart she loves her daddy.  My husband was previously married and he moved to Fl then Tenn after the divorce and it was a little time without seeing his 2 older children.  When I came into his life I taught him how to fight for the right to visitation.  He didn't know his rights and didn't have any scheduled visitation it stated that he had "reasonable visitation as long as it didn't interfere with bonafide plans and was approved by the mother"  who for a month said yes than on pick up day called and said nope we made plans.  I taught him his rights and he gained first joint legal and reg visitation including the entire summer.  Then he gained joint legal and shared physical custody of his children.  Just keep working with her my step daughter had some issues with her dad she was upset and thought that he left her.  So keep telling her that it isn't her fault and it's an adult issue that doesn't effect how you feel about her you still love her just as much.  Maybe even more now since your time is limited.  Tell her in words for a six year old.

[24me]

He stated  it loud and clear in his 6th paragraph.

[nyychic]

My mistake I got the fact that they had a bad relationship missed the one sentence stating that the childs mom was being negative.  My point is this my husbands ex lied and told truth about tons of negative things about their father.  They do get it, it really didn't effect the kids relationship with their father in the long run.  She still continues to say things, I might add that she is a coke head and goes out for the entire night while on it comes home at 6 am etc.  He can't get custody because the kids will either lie for her or her parents (who she lives with) will lie for her.  She was arrested for this in 2005 and put on probation etc.  My point is just that it's hard for children regardless of the parents bad mouthing The mother is wrong, but you can show better by not allowing yourself to lose patience and say the same things.  When the child is older the child learns that she was "ripped off" by the mother.  It just takes time.  It's hard and unfair but you don't give up and you keep showing your love.  It's just that it doesn't matter what she says, my husbands ex used to tell the kids (at really young ages of 13 and 8) that their dad was a drunk and a druggie.  Yes he was, he stopped drinking and doing drugs.  But she beat this into them and told the children that it was his fault that they were not together, that he quit drinking for me and wouldn't for her.  She never mentioned the fact that she cheated on him.  Not until she slipped up and told her daughter that she had been with her boyfriend for how ever many years while she was old enough to do the math.  Just a year and a half ago.  (I've been with my husband for 11 years, he was divorced 12 years ago) My step daughter did the math and I was right there when she figured it out.  She told her mother "oh really nice MOM you were screwing around on my father with him"  She hung up with her mom and asked me why her father and I never told her.  Our response, because we knew you would figure it out eventually and if you didn't then you didn't need to know.  It's not her issue, her parents being divorced is hard enough without knowing all the adult issues.  Just be there for the child no matter what the mom says to her.  Because the child is going to need a safe person when all of the truths come out.

[raymoe]

Its become now sad sad...I think a couple of you are drowning fast....UK Ray

[ChangedBaby]

I think she wants you to love mummy. Perhaps one day you wont "tolerate" her (go the extra mile/whatever was needed in your relationship); she's unsure of you. No matter how bad or good mum was or says she is, she just wants the two of you to get along.

And what if deep down she does hate the fact that her potentially stable family with two parents was ruined (by whoever)? I'd be mad at both parents. I'd wish they would both just grow up. And stop trying to hold me like a teddy bear to meet their own needs.

[pasconsultant]

Goldberg & Associates is a medical legal consulting practice
that helps protect children from a unique form of Child Abuse
known as Parental Alienation or Parental Alienation Syndrome.

Please visit our website for help:
    www.Parentalalienation.ca
Our phone number is 905-481-0367

Cases of Parental Alienation, often include false allegations of
abuse against a non-custodial parent.

Many times the police and the CPS are contacted to investigate
these reports, but most of the time the finding is that the reports
were unfounded.

The reason there are so many false abuse reports, is because
the abusing parent, is trying to deflect attention away from what
they are doing to the child.

The truth is that the abusing parent is covering up their abuse by
discrediting the non -custodial parent. Only Court intervention will
be able to stop this form of abuse. Find an expert Medical -Legal
Consultant to help your family law attorney make the right moves
in your case or risk the chance that your child will continue to be
abused.

If you need help contact us today.

Joe Goldberg
Goldberg & Associates
www.ParentalAlienation.Ca
Tel [phone]