disrespect

[1997772]

my son is 10 years old and has no respect for me. He does well in school great soccer player and respects everyone but me. He calls me names and trys to hurt my feelings what should i do.

[binnks]

Do you show him respect? I'm not trying to be mean, but I have seen this with parents that don't understand that their controlling ways are disrespectful to the child. I want you to look at how you talk to him before he speaks to you in such a hurtful way. The best thing to do is communicate with him not punish him. I have an 11 & 17 yr old. I have never punished them, because from the time they have been walking, when ever they touched or did something that was not right. I did not put them in a corner or tell them your going to be in trouble if you don't stop by the time I count to 5, or ground them. I walked up to them came down to their level looked right in their face and talked to them in a nice manner, I would explain what they were doing wrong and why it is not acceptable behavior. My kids don't yelI at me and have never been in trouble. I have had friends tell me how bad their kids are and they wish they could be like mine. But I see how they treat them and I understand why their children act that way. ( Example - one day i was outside at my friends house talking to her. Her 3 kids came out carrying a bunny cage, so they could show me their new pet. The bottom dropped out and the shavings fell all over the driveway. You could see in their face how scared they were that their mom was going to get mad at them. I spoke up right away and said thats okay accidents happen, with a smile. It's easy to clean it up and their mom couldn't get mad. I told them you guys have a broom and they were so happy they ran to get it. they were about 5, 7 & 9 and they cleaned it all up with no fighting are trauma. They are now 13, 15 & 17 and every time I see them they come running to me. My friend still is not the nicest mom and all she does is complain about them 4 yelling at her, and calling her names. The oldest tells her as soon as she turns 18 she's moving out. Mine says she's going to a college nearby because she going to live here forever. Parents have to understand that children have to be taught. I hate when people say ~ their kids are going through the terrible twos and they slap those little hands. They have to teach them, why would the think they no right from wrong if they have not taught them :) Kids are not born knowing how to act. Thats why they have parents to teach them. Your son is getting older and it is only going to get worse if you don't start teaching him now. Good Luck to You :)

[babygirl6152]

I sure don't agree with everything brinnks said although I guess this poster was trying to get across not to blame for accidents and forgetfulness and fight the big battles. I don't know where these thoughts came from though- just a memory of poor mothering of a neighbor I suppose.

but you can and should demand respect from your son- My husband would not tolerate this sort of behavior- and I carry that same authority of course ....
Does his dad allow this?
Basically they will tear away a tiny bit in adolescence and get a bit sassy, this is normal but not to be outright hateful with you- sassy and hateful are different issues. Boys are so close to mom sometimes and when they start to break away from the emotional apron strings it hurts mom pretty badly- I just told my son honestly what all these changes were going to be like and that he was going to change and start separating from me and a tiny bit of sassiness might come from it but I was not going to take too much of it and not to push me- He is now almost 17, has his own job, drives, plays in the band, pays for some of his own goodies (cell phone, etc), gas money- he grew up fine and we are still close but they have to go out a tiny bit before they come back- but as far as outright hateful talk- that is not tolerated

[Ravare]

Look, if your child is being disrespectful to you, dont try and get down on their level and talk to them as if they are on the same level as you. Too many parents try and be their childs friend, which makes their child think they can talk to their parents like one of their schoolmates.

My 6 year old stepson had that issue when he was 2, and a little bit now with me. I dont tolerate it point blank, and I put him in his place. I dont sugar coat it or anything. Thats the way I was raised and it worked for me. Kids need to understand they need to respect authority figures ESPECIALLY their elders and parents.

You are the childs parent, dont tolerate it, and dont let them talk to you like that. If he disrespects, give him a consequence, dont let him just walk away thinking he put you in your place. Not dealing with him appropriately will not make the problem go away. And he isnt even a teenager yet...........

Set him straight.

[binnks]

I really don't care if you agree with me are not :) If you don't show respect to a child then they won't have any 4 you. And it was an Exp. to show that parents that have no respect 4 their kids, then the kids don't have any 4 the parent. When the parent acts like a brat, so does their child. If you can't read then don't comment. >>>I wasn't been mean to her, I was clearly stating 4 her to think about how she talks to him. If he is good in school and treats everybody else with respect, then there is most likely a reason 4 his behavior.

[binnks]

I feel sorry for your stepson :( You put him in his place at two, when you should be teaching him acceptable behavior. A two yr old has to look up at you, thats why you bend your knees and come down to their level, so they can see your face  ~ not your chin!! Your a huge person towering over them. You really don't have any room to give her advice anyway. Your step son as you put it >had the issue when he was 2, and a little bit now. He is 6 and still has unacceptable behavior a little bit. I wonder why, maybe because you put him in his place and you didn't teach him with communication. So he could understand what was the reason he shouldn't act this way. How did you put him in his place? Yes you were raised so well thats great that this child has to suffer 4 it. I to was raised were i was put in my place with no communication. What a great teenager I was, I had no respect 4 my mom. I love her, but I knew there must be a better way to raise up your child. So when I was going to have my 1st, I observed other parents with their children. When kids were in the store at the park, anywhere. I would se them yelling at their parents acting out in public so mean to the parents. Then I would see why, because the parents had no respect for the child. Then you had the parents with the child that would touch something in the store and they would talk to them and let them understand why they shouldn't touch. Everything was okay their kid didn't throw a fit. My kids don't think I'm their friend they have respect 4 me and my husband. And 4 other children and their elders. Because they have been taught the meaning of respect. Get back to me Ravare when your stepson is a teenager and let me know how much respect he has 4 a stepfather that puts him in his place. I don't sugar coat too, I tell it like it is. :)

[binnks]

Sorry if I hurt your feelings, or maybe I didn't. I was just trying to help you, I didn't know these people were going to be so sensitive and take it into their own lives of how they raise their children. I really don't think it was down right hateful talk, it was advice from my own exp. to help you. My child that will be 18 very soon, didn't have to go out a tiny bit to come back. She has always been a kind, sweet loving chid that respects her parents  and everyone 4 who they are.  I have a great book from my studies 4 been a teacher, that will help all. I will post it as soon as I can find it.

[Ravare]

The thing here is that all kids are different. You ridicule me for how I deal with my stepson, however he tested me when he was younger, and when he is around me, he does not do it anymore. The only people he acts up with are the ones that sugar coat things for him.

Lets face it, some kids need more direction and need people to be strict on them. We take my stepson to a Therapist for his actions at school (actions that we discuss with him EVERY day), you know what she said? She told us there is nothing wrong with him, the only reason why he acts out at school is because he is strong willed and he knows his teachers will let him get away with it. Thats why I have no problems with him when its just him and I, because he knows that he will not get away with it.

He knows I love him, I tell him every day in the morning and in the night, but he also knows that if he is acting bad, I will say something to him. He talks back to his teachers and sometimes his mom's friends. Does he do it to me or his mom? No, he knows he is not allowed to.

I understand that you didnt have these problems with your child, but what I am saying is that every child is different, so to say my opinion is wrong, that seems a bit closed minded. My stepson is not "suffering" from the way I was brought up, my family communicated that the child should always respect their elders.

[Ravare]

There is one thing that I do agree with you on that has yet to be declared, that is if the original poster speaks the same way to the kid, calling them names.....etc.

If that is the case then yes, the original poster needs to change her approach to her child. However if this is not the case, the child is old enough to know that the words they are using are not appropriate (i hope). Educate your child, but if there is one thing I learned from my stepson's therapist, is do not make it seem like you do not have control of the situation. Do not show anger, dont show the child that they are getting on your nerves or getting to you. There is a way to be calm, collected and keep control of the situation. Maybe my original post seemed a bit "aggressive", but the way my parents communicated to my brother and I was not violently or with raised voices, however they did set us straight and let us know when our behavior was not accepted and that it would not happen again.

[babygirl6152]

just found this- and I am sorry I didn't know it before hand- I was way off here folks-- as I said- my apologies

BUT you will see there are still consequences for these children and a child does need boundaries- I believe they even welcome boundaries- shutting up now

http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/behavior-problems/

[margypops]

Why does he call you names ,what has caused him to be hurt enough perhaps he doesnt get enough positive attention , try focusing on his positive side and praise him when he does soemthing good, set bounderies and talk to him .

[Cherie762]

somehow hes figured out he can get away with it, why is that ?

[binnks]

Your the one that started there little buddy ~ the whole level thing :) Why don't you stop calling him your stepson haven't you been together long enough * son*

Yes, You really do sound mean to him now that you wrote more.


Maybe your to strict with him and thats why he acts out at school and with others. If i was a child and you were so strict with me i would obey you too, out of pure fear!!

Of course all kids are different. Mine are very different from each other, just because their siblings doesn't mean there identical.

The only person I agree with on hear is marrgypops!!

[binnks]

I went and looked at the site you posted. I knew all the Q about my kids. The movie showed me all kids are different, I already knew that too. School work come easy 4 one child and is smarter then me and reads and reads and adds everything in his head while Im writing it on paper, but he had a crazy mean teacher that he has to be home schooled now, due to so much fear all teachers are like that. My other child has a hard time with all her school subjects accept art, but she works at it the best she can and she will be graduating this year from a very hard high school that is college work.  I was trying to find, were do you treat them badly and show them how you don't respect them so they don't learn how to respect others? If you can tell me all go back and look. Oh I see do I go look under boundaries ~ To me thats communication from the time they can walk, so they understand what is expected of them and when their out there in the world they will respect other humans and treat them the way they would like to be treated.

[babygirl6152]

http://www.fisher-price.com/fp.aspx?st=665&e=expertadvice&catparcode=ps_sclemtdvl&ccat=PS_MannersMorals&content=38303

brinnks-

you are right that all children are different- and there will be as many answers to the forums questions as there are children possibly- These are guidelines that work with the majority of children- not all and I think we tend to oversimplify because it is so time consuming to say on the onther hand on the other hnad on the other hand- we hep each other out by doing that as margypops does with me- she has a sensitive side as do I- but our backgrounds or even what has happened recently or lately in our lives tend to guide or judgments- even today I may be more sensitive to a child's needs than I would have been yesterday, although when I look at myself I tend to see a rational and unemotional person every day- I just tend to over simplify because today's morals seem to be slipping----why do I chsnge day to day slightly? because I am human, and because I am different than you and we all balance each other-

I celebrate every day when margypops reminds parents to be gentle loving and kind and praise them....


we can work together or we can get off on tearing each other apart- a woman came on here with a simple one sentence question and we have all judged her heart by the things that have been in our minds and on our hearts since those past few days.

I have a lot to offer- so do we all-

so does this step mother

[binnks]

Mother or father ~ drop the step

[margypops]

Hey guys its okay we all agree Kids Rock!! and what ever our differances we are on their side, I am fortunate in my life to be able to walk in their shoes and see it from their perspective.it has always been a blessing in my life .If I could say anything to parents it would be walk in their kids  shoes , see how they are feeling....

[Ravare]

this will be the last time I post here.

binnks, the reason why I disclose that I am his step father is because his father still calls from time to time. When I am around him, I call him "son", he calls me "dad", there is no talk of "stepson" or "stepfather". But for the sake of talking to other parents and therapists, it has to be disclosed that I am not his biological father because that does play a role in my relationship with him. He knows his biological father and the guy has called from time to time, so that does effect the kid.

I'm really not trying to come here and go blow for blow with you, I came and voiced my opinion on the situation. You children are different from my son, I have had problems with him before and his attitude around me has changed because he had NO structure in his life before I came along. I see him act up with those that dont give him boundaries and structure. So my advice to the original poster is (if she hasnt) give her child boundaries, because SOME children do need that. Not all children are the same but my methods have worked with my son's interaction, at least with me when he is around me.

Sorry if you don't agree with my advice, but I have seen it work for me so that is why I posted it.

So for the last time, please stop making posts trying to instigate things.

PS: babygirl6152, nice keeping the topic focused, good posts.

[margypops]

There has been a lot to be learnt here Guys,we all see things differantly and we all have children in our heart, lets remember that.

[binnks]

Hugs ~ Come on Hugs :)