how do you tell if an 11 year old boy is gay?

[1Sean1]

This question is actually a 2 part question regarding my friends 11 year old son.  My friends son is definitely masculine because he loves to do boy things at the same time he tends to do things towards specific boys as if its more than simply sexual exploration due to it being outside out in the open with others around often enough to make me and others wonder if he is actually gay and often enough to make me wonder if what he's doing is normal.

A 12 year old boy cousin who also lives in the same apartment complex has told me sounding like he is completely serious that my friends 11 year old son really is gay with giving the explanation that he doesn't act or talk like he has a girlfriend except for instances where he doesn't want to be seen as not having a girlfriend when other boys are talking to or talking about their girlfriends and also saying that he has a nickname for specific people that he is friends with.

that same cousin told me specifically and sounding serious that the nicknames are:

Gay 1 referring to me

Gay 2 referring to the boy he directs most of the stuff towards

Gay 3 being his cousin

Gay 4 one of the other boys he is friends with in the complex

I'd like to know if this is normal and how to distinguish whether this is behavior suggesting that he may be gay.  I'd also like to know if and how I should approach my friend about her son.

[Ldee86]

Also love the child no matter what sexual preference he chooses

[Ldee86]

My 10 year old son often uses terms in an argument with me  like no one likes you & all your friends are gay which to be honest is true 3 of them are but I explain to him there's nothing wrong with being gay his granmothers sister is gay his grandads sister is gay one of my sisters is gay the other is bisexual & lastly his aunt on his dad's side is also bisexual all of whom he has a good relationships with so I'm hopeful that he's starting to understand there's nothing Wong with being gay and it's just something kids in school are saying

[carcar69]

You don't need to ask or to know if your son/daughter is gay or lesbian. just accept them and love them.

[Anhjo]

All of our children is a gift from god. We are all gods creations.
tomcats is right, just learn to accept.

[tomcats]

So what if he or your boy is a gay? He still a human. Learn to accept god's gift.

[taralynne7]

We are all gods children, No mater the sexual preference.

[AnnieBrooke]

(Except, of course, someone should tell him sooner or later not to use the word "gay" as an insult, if that is what he is doing.  Maybe if you feel you must say something his mom, it's not "I think your son is gay because a 12-year-old told me so," but it might be instead, "Did you know that your son calls people "Gay 1, Gay 2, Gay 3 and Gay 4?  I don't know if he is doing it to be funny or doing it to be mean, but it sort of sounds like he's doing it to be mean, and it isn't particularly funny.")  Good luck.

[AnnieBrooke]

ps -- In your shoes, I'd tell the 12-year-old not to worry about it, gay people are as normal as straight people and live life in the same way.  They go to school, they do their laundry, they watch TV, they play with their friends, they drive their car to the store.  It's important that the 12-year-old realize that except for the fact that when they fall in love, they fall in love with people of the same sex instead of the opposite sex, gay people are average citizens like you and me with ho-hum lives.  Nothing to fear, no reason to point a finger or have a talk with his mom.

[AnnieBrooke]

You do know, right, that "That's so gay!" was a big insult about ten years ago in Los Angeles in high schools?  It didn't mean that kids thought the thing they were insulting was homosexual, it meant a more general negative, the way someone might say "That's so lame!"  The reason it is not used (quite so much) any more is that people protested using a term that describes one group of people as a generic insult.  (Just like saying "that's so girl!" to mean something negative but not necessarily girly, would sooner or later be stopped by parents because it is insulting to use the word 'girl' as an insult.)

Anyway, if a kid is calling people Gay 1 and Gay 2 who he knows are not gay, he is probably saying something closer to "Lame 1" and "Lame 2," not announcing his sexual orientation.  A person who is gay and knows it would not use the term as an insult or a label.  

The kid who told you that the first kid is gay might be misinterpreting the other kid's cues.  Even a heterosexual child of 11 who doesn't have a girlfriend and is around other kids who are talking about their girlfriends might fake an interest in girlfriends so he will fit in.  Some kids at 11 aren't interested in girlfriends yet, but it doesn't mean they are interested in boyfriends.  If someone is pretending an interest in something he doesn't care a lot about, it can come across as somewhat artificial, and your young human-sexuality policeman cousin might be picking up on the artificiality and interpreting it incorrectly.  Maybe the kid is gay, but calling someone Gay 1 and talking artificially about girlfriends would not be very convincing reasons to think so.

I'm interested in why the 12-year-old is keeping such a sharp watch on the 11-year-old over the question.  So what if someone else is gay?  Is it the 12-year-old's job (or yours) to be the Gay Clues Police and to make a general announcement about someone else?  Sexuality is pretty fluid for kids when they are young.  This does not mean that at 11 or 12 kids don't have a general tendency one way or the other, but they might still be figuring out how to identify it, thus the teasing and the use of the term.  The 11-year-old (or the 12-year old, for that matter) might be gay, straight, bisexual, or not interested in sex at all.  Why do you, an adult, have to tell anyone anything?  Did your neighbor go tell your mother when she worked out that you might be straight?  Even if the kid does someday come out as gay, it does not mean there is anything to worry about now.