This patient support community is for discussions relating to the challenges of parenting children (age 6-12), including physical development, handling school & classes, emotional development, cognitive development, and games and activities.
my 8.5 year old step daughter wets and poops her pants
My husband and I are having a very hard time with my 8.5 year old step daughter. She will use the toilet to pee and poop for a few weeks. Then the next thing we know at least once a day she will pee her pants. and at times poop her pants. she has a twin sister that is not like that. I understand from time to time accidents happen. But it just seems less and less of an accident. when she does it she will hide her underware and pants at the bottom of the laundry hamper or in her closet. we have even found a few pairs that she has stuffed between mattresses and back in the drawers. she has been to the doctor and everything is fine. we have tried grounding to her room, not letting her play outside, missing out on parites that her sister gets to go to, even washing out her own underware and at times had her throw them away cause the were so soiled. we have talked to her many times and tried to explain that she is old enough to use the toilet. her behavior is terriable to, she dont listen, she talks back, and always says she forgot. my husband and i know she didnt forget. she dont forget anything. She remember thing that people say like grandma going to buy her new shoes or clothes, going to stay at a friends, when daddys pay day is. we are at such a lose and just dont know where to turn. can you help with any possible advice?
Would you say that this is the least popular twin, that the other one gets most of the positive attention, she could be using this method to get the positive attention she wants, negative attention is better that none ....It also sounds like its not a full movement but more soiling so it could be she is not wiping properly, back off a bit, make less of an issue out of it.,less talking about poop issues, talk about other things with her ,focus on her positive side and praise her when you see her doing something right , make as much of her as the other twin ....good luck
I have a daughter also and she had a simliar problem when she was 11. She is 13 now and almost never does it. Her behavior was very similar to what you are describing. What we did was take away most of her electronics and fun toys and then hang a giant "dry chart" above her bed or anywhere in her room, make sure its large. Then we made sure to put pooping and wetting pants chart on it so everyone knew what it meant. For every week she was dry we gave her a toy back and had a sticker on the chart for that week. If she didnt make it a week, we would restart that week. Then also definantly put her back in diapers with little girl baby desogns on them and have her wear them to school, at night, to friends houses, in the pool, during the day, everyday all day. And have her change herself. Make her do this for at least until she is a month to 2 months completely dry. If she stops permenantly then its your choice to have her stop wearing them. Make sure that diapers are noticeable to everyone. Then in a cauple days when all of this is set up have her friends or sisters friends come over and see what she is doing and is wearing. At night when they are together for the sleepover go in and ask in front of everyone, do you have you night diapers on honey if not lets go change you. And then in the morning start the process as i described. I can almost guarantee this will work. Start asap, like today and make it as embarrasing as possible. Tell her if shes going toact like a baby youll treat her like a baby. Im sure this will work. Write back with how it goes. Good luck!!
i hope that my werdz kome out helpful: i keep seeing the same thingz over an over an over - i kant figure why 7 an 8, why alwayz 7 an 8?? IF Doctor Rulez Out Physical Or U *Know* Itz Mor Than: i kanz givez insite into this problum frum the other side of it.... To go into fuller detailz i waz born not walking till 3 an not talking till 5 - but by 6 i haz bekome average enuf to blend in, by 8 i waz almost like any other kidz, i did haz trouble with wetting sporadically, an by holding it in to fix that, i now understand frum doctorz that i messed up my bodyz normal rythum an made problum worser!! i haz two other sisters an busy parentz, i grow up in very strict rule house, Mommy kood take away anything az punishment, BUT not able to take away one thing, since i haz medical problum with wetting, i koodnt control that, so it waz pooping.... it all began by me being next to a Friendz baby sister who pooped in her diaper, an i heard it, an bekame a lil obsessed with entertaining the possibility of me doing that.... an wat i kame addicted to waz actually the adrenaline rush caused by the situation!! i reeely wanted all other peoplez on page to see that started az a simple game.... i started doing it on purpose, Yes it waz on purpose!! BUT mid way into it, i losted control over it, an didnt know why then??!! i waz terrified- knowing it waz my fault, but knowing i koodnt stop it anymor.... an it got worser an worser; an even i got embaressed an ashamed of it!!!! i learn that computer iz like brain; an just like walking without thinking, u kan, if ur dumb enuf, train ur brain to poop automatically without thinking by teaching it to do that for too long.... So to recovery iz a full step process, u HAZ to end the game, break the power struggle inside the child, get them to admit to themselvez they done it on purpose: Ur childz will haz to chose to end it!!!! They haz to stop aiding the problum!!!! And then u HAZ to retrain theyr brain to not do that without thinking!!!! U HAZ to take them step by step back thro potty-training, same way u did at first.... humiliating but itz only way to retrain brain!! Itz like i said, the final piece of the mystery iz that they used the same method of potty-training, back wen they hid the problum an no one even knew about, wen it actually started, waaaaay back wen they done it an kept it hidden an they kept repeating that behavior, same time every day, they unknowingly taught themselvez how to do it without even thinking about it.... So to solve problum completely u may haz to werk with them an retrain theyr brain to use the toilet instead of theyr pantz.... the problumz soundz like theyr out of control; so u HAZ to werk every single angle.... u can *tell* if theyr aiding the problum, if they find sum idiotic amusment frum it.... BUT at same time u HAZ to werk on reteaching theyr brain, cuz alot of postz sayz everytime they get distracted.... thatz wen theyr false training kickz in, U HAZ to retrain theyr brain to resolve it!! Basically a parent must figure out how child specific to crash into theyr little world and shake them back to reality, IF u can get theyr brain reprogram an get the child to own up to theyr actionz, admit it, apologize of it, bring the whole thing to a close, an get them to cooperate with repotty-training theyr brain to wait instead of auto going, and get the medical help for theyr behaviorz of holding an unbalancing theyr bodiez natural rythumz; then u will haz all the pieces put back together again!!!! So pleeze take my advice!!!! i use to ly like a dog!!!! i never once admitted to Mommy until i much much older i done it on purpose, for yearz she thought it waz only a medical problum, but i know that she knew in her mind, it waz mor than that; i kood *tell* by her lookz, an sumtimez got caught even, but she did the "Just Ignore It" .... then round an round a bush to age 15!!!! It went on for sooo long i had to be put into big baby diaperz just for the health of otherz yeeesh!!!! i waz a nice sweet little innocent boy too, never got into any trouble; but underneath i waz jealous an hateful, an manipulative, an i knew how to make a whole book of lyz an memorize em all, an not get tripped in them.... all so i kood amuse myself with the stupidest of interests O.o An becuz i woodnt admit to starting it, an refuse to admit, even to self, to lost control of it, it esploded completely out of hand....
i wood say this iz only time u may EVER hear frum the other side of it!!!! YES i did it on purpose and thought it waz sum idiotic amusment; NO i didnt do it on purpose and waz terrified of the horror i had created and lost control over; YES i wanted to do it and thought it waz adventerous and amusing and a power struggle of sumthing i kood control myself; NO i didnt want to do it, cuz i lost control of it, and koodnt keep it under my own control- eventually i ended up with none control of it!!!! Itz an internal power struggle of Yes and No; an the fear to ever admit u created ur own problum thatz now out of ur own control!!!! So pleeze take personal experience: Yes they kan help it, No they kant help it; seemz to alwayz be an idiotic amusment of doing sumthing so increadibly wrong itz daring; and then endz up in a fear to admit u started on purpose, but lost control after so much time, and at the same time ur still amused with the experience, but terrified of how to make it stop.... Itz The Brain, get the child to quit aiding the problum, Then get theyr brain to learn correct behaviorz regarding the event, and if any body harm waz done in the process haz that resolved with doctor help.... thatz wat it will take!!!!
Happily i waz set FREE frum it, and went on to serve in the United States Navy =D But trust me: u will haz to break them, get them to admit to themselvez itz theyr fault, get them to accept that Mommy now haz to repotty-train theyr brain; an make sur they never ever ever do that again!!!! Most of u haz been dealing with the on-purpose, but leaving out the accident out-of-control part; not reelizing four weekz iz all it takez to train the brain to do sumthing routinely with very little thought!! Sorry to say, but thatz the only way!!!! U will haz to break them down to get them to own up to it, cuz alot of postz soundz similar, a combination of medical and also willful, the childz will haz to admit to the willful, an make a positive effort to stop the problum; wen they do they will accept the training an be weaned frum theyr idiotic fascination with the nonsense, U gotta shake em back to reality, or they end up getting so bad, authorities haz them put into big baby diapers cuz of unsanitary- which it iz!! i didnt get it, until a nurse changed me an put diaper into biohazard bin!!!! And then it hit me.... ewwwwwww, i never took consider the biohazard and yuckiness, i waz off in my own day-dream land.... that event rattled me an brought me to realize how dumb i waz acting, an how dangerous this dumb stupid hobby waz!!!! So i waznt broke frum it until i got shaken awake an realized the reality of it, an admitted to myself that i waz the instigator of the problum the whole time, it had bekum a physical problum out of my control, an yet i waz *still* aiding it by not using the toilet at the timez i knew i kood an shood, and i kept reinforcing the false brain program by doing that, which made the physical problumz worser!!!! i waz 15 yearz old wen i finally got broke frum the nonsense!!!! i ruined all of my skool yearz with my idiotic nonsense, lack of Friendz, lack of any GurlFriend, of course, an spent all my time by myself in the woodz or in room alone!!!! Mor than likely the constipation kan be caused by the childz attemptz to regrab control over a situation theyve lost control of, and they end up causing even mor harm by holding it, thinking it will solve the problum; but that just makez thingz worser, an doctorz start pushing laxativez, an it reeely spirawlz out of control then!!!! At that point itz a disaster!!!!!! U will HAZ to get the child to stop aiding the physical problumz, in order to solve the whole problum, an idk why i ever started doing that to this day O.o Why did i start, why didnt i stop, whyd i let it blow completely out of control.... looking back i alwayz convinced myself it waz still under my control, an never admitted to myself that i had lost control, until it went to the degree of being diapered over it!!!! i haz to be broken, being publically treated like a baby by nurses in front of other peoplez!!!! Not recomending, BUT u will HAZ to get thro to them, to make them quit aiding the problum befor it goez totally out of hand, an then theyll reeeely be *sorry* - if they bekum diaper dependant 24/7 - in public in frunt of Friendz an Family!!!!
OK, frum personal experience - One Way U kood treet the not-medical-part of the problum.... Pick a time wen the childz iz at theyr worst (they have pooped pantz theyr currently wearing), try to make confrontation in theyr room, U go in an sit on theyr bed, an say; "Only One time i will do this, Cuz i want u to know that i Luv u mor than anything.... i will let u kome an sit in Mommyz lap, cuz i reely need to talk to u about sum very very important thingz that haz to do with ur future...." sacrifice on ur part; Tell them how much u Luv them an accept them, an all the wonderful plan ideaz u haz for them.... make it very very very comforting for childz!!
Part Two: After u haz them comforted an open to hearing, gotta haz them open to hearing first: Then u begin explaining to them all the bad thingz that kan happen to them if they dont fix theyr problum, i.e. they kood be forced to wear baby diaperz, haz to go handicapped skool classes an be treated like a baby an not be able to make it end ever, cuz itz too late then!!!! Or the authoritiez kood take them away frum home an haz them put into a institution where they will haz no TV, no Video Gamez, no Friendz, an they kant go outside, just a bed an diaperz an nurses that change them an treet them like a baby, an doctorz that constantly treet them with medicinez.... either way, if this problum isnt fixed they will end up all alone, by theyself an be trapped in the problum forever!!!!
Wen u haz explained all the bad thingz that will happen if they dont stop, Then u make sur u haz theyr full attention with eyez, an tell them everytime u *know* they did it on purpose, put every time in theyr face, an remind them that u Luv them, an the planz u haz for theyr life, an the horrorz that awaitz them if they dont stop aiding the problum.... u explain that u understand it iz a physical problum, but u also understand that they r aiding the problum and allowing it to go on and making the problum get worser an worser; an state again every time u caught them doing it on purpose!!
Part Three: U explain to childz that becuz they let this happen, they haz trained theyr brain to do it; explaining how u trained theyr brain to use the toilet, an how they haz allowed theyr brain to be trained now to use theyr pantz.... Then u explain that they HAZ to be retrained to use the toilet again!! An explain fully to theyr knowing that they HAZ to make the decision to make the problum better, if they dont chose to make it better, then they will end up in very very bad placez becuz of it, reeely bad thingz will happen if they dont choose to fix the problum, by pooping in theyr pantz on purpose wen they haz the chance to use the toilet, an they ignor it an let the problum get worser by using theyr pantz on purpose; cuz sumtimez itz an accident, but sumtimez itz on purpose.... an every time they do it on purpose, they make the problum worser an worser!!!!
So u tell them, every time u haz an urge to go u get az fast az u can to a toilet an sit on it, even if u already went in ur pantz, sit down on the toilet an picture in ur imagination that u r using the toilet.... fully explain over an over how they HAZ to retrain theyr brain, an that iz why they keep having accidentz, they haz taught theyr brain to use theyr pantz for too long, and itz time to stop it, befor it goez too far and Everyone will be sad and upset, especially if they get taken away an put into institution!!!! Itz time to get to the hard factz and the harsh reality of where this iz heading!!!! Put it in theyr face, an make them swallow it!!!!
If they pooped in theyr pantz, if possible, they haz to remove them an put the poop into the toilet, let theyr brain see the correct behaviorz, and keep performing the correct behaviorz over an over an over; keep hard on them, an get skool teacherz to do the same thing, make sur they r on the toilet if they haz poop, make sur they put the poop out of theyr pantz an into the toilet where it belongz.... an scrubb reeely well with antibacterial cleaner after!!!! By repeating correct behaviorz repetitiously whether they even want to or not, theyr brain will memorize those behaviorz; and to break them the child would haz to intentionally make themselvez do the wrong behaviorz!! At this point sum material a child kood understand wood be great to show them the true factz about germz, and the true reality of why poop iz sooooo disgusting!!!!
Part Four: Iz to keep doing the corrective training for four straight weekz, non-stop!! Meanwhile, in order to break the childz out of theyr tiny bubble world- Fully explain to them: The following eventz r not for rewardz, they r specifically to show them that there iz mor out in the world: And take them to i.e. amusement parkz, or camping, or special fun places.... While ur there handle any situationz the same u wood a toddler, just deal with them, get them cleaned an done with az quickly az possible, u may even use a long explaining talk an then allow them to use a pull-up just for that time ONLY!! Becuz u WANT them to be *fully* focused an engaged in seeing an experiencing other activitiez, an to show them that there iz much mor to the world, then theyr tiny lil universe!! i wood highly recomend the explaining talk an use of pull-upz, so that they r not even thinking about theyr small universe at all, an u shood take kare of checking of them, but not too often, an not too big of deal: U WANT them 100% engaged into the new experiencez.... U WANT them to stop being entirely focused in a world of the problum!!!!
Part Five: Uve reached that point of Trust, Uve found a way specific to Ur Childz that u haz formed a close bound with them; now u werk with them, encouraging them with the good behavior, not for rewardz tho =/ Becuz u Luv them an want the Best for them; never focus on the negative, once u haz a tight bond there, u will find the ability to just talk with them about theyr problum, they may even eventually explain why an how they started it.... Ur role frum then on iz to keep encouraging them, no matter how bad they relapse; keep reminding them the harsh reality ahead, an the better life away frum that.... keep doing the out of the routine FUN, an letting them be in pull-upz during those timez, so the thing that seemz like the whole universe to them getz pushed to the very back, an kan be dealt with very swiftly an quickly!!! Only a parent who iz a Friend, and an Understanding Mentor kan help the childz let go of the tiny known universe an venture out into the unknown world beyond!!!
So i emphatically stress!!!! Dont sweat the problum, remain focused on the solution, the encouragement, an create an maintain a close tight bond with the childz; the problum may go an kome back; it kood kome back jus bad az at the first, BUT Parent HAZ to remain firm: keep leading them towardz another future, get theyr focus off of the problum; make this issue the same az tying shoe stringz... wen it needz to be handled, u handle it, wen itz done itz done, u dont mention it anymor throughout the day; U haz set timez to talk about it, affirming the child that u iz with them, an u Luv them an want to help them haz the Best life possible!!! *Any problum that bekomez the ONLY known universe around sumone, totally immersed in it, will take over theyr whole life an block out anything else in the rest of the world*!!!! ;) Thatz a Fact!!!!
Show the problum that u mean business, itz not gonna haz ur childz, an kick that stupid problum out of the house, an replace it with positive thingz.... then deal with the minor situationz with ur child in a healthy an take-kare-of-it way!! Az soon az they start to stumble, u wanna rush in with positive encouragement; ask them wat they mite want u to do to help them.... take theyr feedback an act on it if itz a well-to-do idea, for example a child may say, "Wen at home, Mommy, kan u remind me certain timez to get up an go sit on the toilet, that way ill get used to it again, cuz i forgot how to do that." U put the rest of the world in frunt of the childz, an like i said deal with theyr problum the same u wood handle shoe string tying, eventually a child leanrz shoe string tying, itz no big deal.... proper training and affirmation will kure the short-komingz, an that will kure the problum!!! Just Take It Step By Step; Expect Pitt Fallz, Expect Sum Relapses, Stay Focused On The Prize: Ur Childz Health An Brite Future; And Deal With The Set Backz Az Important To Address, But At Same Time In A "No Biggie, We Kan Resolve This" Attitude ....
Position Urself Az Ur Childz Team Coach, U Want Them To Win, Ur Theyr To Help Them Win, Let Them Know That Ur Theyr To Help Them .... Accept Ur Child, And *Show* That By Respectfully Listening To Theyr Obserd Reesonz For This Situtation, And *Kindly* Talking Them Thro Much Better Alternativez Beyond The Situation!!! ***Never Ever Correct A Childz Openess About A Bad Behavior*** U Will Kut Them Off And Shut Them Down; Simply Hand Them Better Alternativez To The Bad Behavior, And In That U Will Gain Theyr Trust And Theyr Respect, And They Will Open Up Mor An Mor!!!
Wat u will most likely eventually find iz that this situation iz a very very bizarre obsession, and requirez the firm an focused kuring of it that a drug addict requirez to get off drugz, an it also tendz to haz a few hard relapses befor the person getz out of theyr obsession of it!! An that iz why u Must approach it frum a Luving an Karing an Accepting role to the child- Luv the child, and wean them away frum theyr obsession!!! It must be dealt with respectfully so that u haz the childz on ur side, and then it must be replaced with sumthing positive.... pull the childz away frum it and get rid of it completely, so they kan start focusing other thingz, an move on frum all of it; then let it fall off a cliff into the forgotten past!!!!
IF U LUV UR CHILDZ, TRULY LUV UR CHILDZ, THIS WILLWERK IN THE LONG RUN, THEY KAN ACHIEVE TOTAL FREEDOM!!! =D ~ONE TINY PATIENT STEP AT A TIME~
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