Parenting Children (6-12) Community
step daughter
About This Community:

This patient support community is for discussions relating to the challenges of parenting children (age 6-12), including physical development, handling school & classes, emotional development, cognitive development, and games and activities.

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
Blank Blank

step daughter

recently my step daughter who visits on the weekends has been getting very emotional with me. i dont raise my voice and just talk very stern like and she breaks down. shes not use to me calling her out on not listening. but she recently yelled at me "your not my mom" my husband is being supportive of both of us but i feel like giving up. its wrong to say it but what else can i do? you can't reason with an 11 yr old or the 11 yr old real mom.
Blank
973741_tn?1342346373
One thing that is really helpful is consistent rules.  If her dad and her mom could discuss things and kind of get on somewhat the same page, that would help.  Sometimes that is hard based on the parents and their relationship.  

then yes, I'd let her dad handle discipline.  It's not giving up and you can help HIM in the background.  Then if you do have to enforce a rule, you do it as, You and your dad agreed, etc. etc. etc.  

I would say to pick your battles if there is a big difference between your house and her mothers.  Not everything is a big deal and if you let some less bothersome things go, then you have more power over the things you really care about.  

good luck dear. Hard to blend families for sure!!
Related Discussions
7 Comments Post a Comment
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Im kinda having the same problem! My step daughter who is 10 does this to me sometimes as well,,she is very good at pitting my husband and I against each other. We learned in therapy that only one of us should be the disicplinarian,,so my husband is the one to reprimand her and I support him. If it comes from me she could care less as she never listens to me.~Bkitty
Blank
973741_tn?1342346373
Hm.  I just answered a question about your boyfriend and that he may not eventually give you the right engagement ring.  Is this your boyfriend and his daughter we are talking about???  

Blending families can be very difficult.  I think one thing that helps is for one to remember that an adult has grown up abilities of handling emotions (well, most of them, LOL) while a child is still learning.  That allows us to be empathetic to a certain degree with how things can be hard on a kid.  They go from one house to another and must adjust to all different kinds of styles of the adults in their life.  They can feel a bit lost.  I would look at her and approach her with that in mind which may give you a bit of empathy.  This does not mean she can get away with bloody murder, but it means that maybe if she bulks at your laying down the law in a stern way----  that you could soften your tone and lay down boundaries in a more loving way.  Or better yet, get her dad to do that and then  you can be in a super positive support role to him.  You and he can discuss boundaries privately and then he can go over them with her.  And then when she is doing something on the not to do list------  you gently remind her that she and her father agreed that this behavior was inappropriate.  

I find with my two boys that changing up my style is really helpful for getting the desired behavior from my kids.  Sometimes if they are being really difficult, I shock them and give them a hug.  Then I ask them gently to 'help me out' by doing X (or NOT doing X).  Other times I am firm---  please do not do X!  

There is a parenting book called 'love and logic' written by Jim and Charles Fey (father and son psychologists) which is really excellent.  It is about natural consequences.  You never have to get mad as you lovingly enforce the boundaries-----  and when they don't follow through, the boundary is the teacher.  I really love it and you can find it at your local library or online.  

She is right.  You are not her mother.  and when a kid says that, they are saying "hold on a minute.  who do you think you are."  And that is when you say-----  'no, I'm not your mother.  but I want you to be happy here as well as following our rules.  This is your house too and we have to work together to make it run the right way."  

anyway, good luck.  It is definatley hard to work out the kinks with step children.  Keep at it with patience.  
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
lol yeah its the same guy and its his daughter. we also have a younger daughter together. so there is a big jealousy issue there i think too. i was nice and positive for the last 11 years with her. (me and the bf have been together since she was born) but now she is just acting up and acting different and being very defiant.i know its an age thing but her dad is very....not wanting her to ever be upset when she is  with him. i tried to tell her our house is different than her mothers and we have different rules here. all i have to do is look at her sternly and she says im ganging up on her. i have known her her entire life. i know what she is doing but her dad is to nice when it comes to disciplining. our 5 yr old he is always the good cop and im the bad cop. but she listens better than the other one. i feel like stepping back and just letting him deal with it. but i know it will look like i gave up or something.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
oh and when the comment came out that "your not my mother" i was shocked and i said "you have a great mother and i would never want or need to take her spot" and she fought back with "then you think i have a horrible mom because you said i can't do the same things i do at my moms house" i told her father statements like that causes major fights between parents. saying i said her mom is horrible was just so far out there i didn't even know where to begin with her.
Blank
973741_tn?1342346373
One thing that is really helpful is consistent rules.  If her dad and her mom could discuss things and kind of get on somewhat the same page, that would help.  Sometimes that is hard based on the parents and their relationship.  

then yes, I'd let her dad handle discipline.  It's not giving up and you can help HIM in the background.  Then if you do have to enforce a rule, you do it as, You and your dad agreed, etc. etc. etc.  

I would say to pick your battles if there is a big difference between your house and her mothers.  Not everything is a big deal and if you let some less bothersome things go, then you have more power over the things you really care about.  

good luck dear. Hard to blend families for sure!!
Blank
13167_tn?1327197724
I agree with specialmom,  and am curious about what rules she has to follow at your home that she doesn't have at her mother's home.

If these are really negotiable rules (no eating on the couch,  make your bed in the morning) I think I'd let them slide.  

Obviously rules like you can't drink or smoke or go out at night without us knowing exactly where you are aren't negotiable.  But a lot of house rules are.

She's in a really tough place.  She doesn't have a full time home,  where her little sister does.

I think flexibility is key here.   Deep breath . . .  relinquish control of things that don't matter.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
yeah i think the best thing to do is to just support him in the background. i just need to take a deep breath and pick my battles. i admit i do tend to want to always be in control. so i think if i give up a little on trying to control everything, everyone will be less stressed out, including his daughter which i really do want her to feel welcome and able to talk to me and her father about anything. thanks for the help specialmom and rockrose. you helped out more than you know! brooke
Blank
Post a Comment
To
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Parenting Children (6-12) Community Resources
RSS Expert Activity
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Control Emotional Eating with this ...
Sep 04 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Emotional Eating Control: How to St...
Aug 28 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
233488_tn?1310696703
Blank
New Cannabis Article from NORTH Mag...
Jul 20 by John C Hagan III, MD, FACS, FAAOBlank