This patient support community is for discussions relating to the challenges of parenting children (age 6-12), including physical development, handling school & classes, emotional development, cognitive development, and games and activities.
It's been exactly 1 year that I am remarried. I have 1 daughter (16 yrs old) from a prev. relationship. Now I have a stepson whose 11 yrs old. I'll be the first to admit it requires patience and lots of adaptation on both ends.
His previous lifestyle in South America was solely Mom- Son, house to school to house scenario with the maid picking up after him. In my current lifestyle, we do that work not the maid, let alone having one someday !
It is obvious his life has dramatically changed to which I say he adapts well and gets along with me provided discipline is not order of the day. His mother protects him and nurtires him like a infant( to my opinion). At 11 he shouldn't be creeping into our sanctuary, our bed in the morning or evening. He should be able to change his clothing without Mommies help. He should be able to use knife and fork but he doesn't. He leaves toys all over the place to which his mother now picks up. I've discussed the issues with my wife and explained to her that she is not the maid and she should start cutting certain strings between them(certainly not the love or bond).I hear Mommy so many times, he still changes with her in the bathroom before a shower and issues like this goes beyond my comprehension.
He is not a bad and mischievous boy. Far from that however I am preparing him for more responsibility and in 2010 Sept he will go to High School where I know these children can be rather crude and offensive if ever they found out that he still gets into bed with Mom. He's doesn't have friends cause Mom plays with him. Now I see the good side of this but I also see what it can do negatively cause its locking him out of social circles.
It is my perception that he should undertake much more responsibilities at age 11, clean his room, pick up his toys, play outside instead of remaining inside waiting for the parents to play with him. When we go upstairs, he follows, When we go anywhere , he follows, there is simply loss of privacy. Every single night his Mom puts him to bed(thats' fine by me, I was same with my daughter) but he refuses to sleep with lights off so the end result is Mom gets out of bed 30 minutes or later, to close the lights(let alone it wakes me up again)
I understand he's afraid, maybe of new changes but its been 1 year and accumulating. Am I too demanding, is my perspective for an 11 year off the wall ?
Wouldnt hurt to cut him some slack, how about you do some sports and games with him, does it matter that his Mom pays him a lot of attention, I think thats a good thing, maybe you could try to get closer to him by getting more involved all 3 of you could go out and do some stuff and you can do so many fun things with an 11 year old, Good luck,
Thanks, I got him a bike, now skis, football etc...but I need to push him a lot and gets him upset. What he really wants is to play and build snowman and eventhat we've built an igloo of sorts. Otherwise, he's crunched behind the TV and his Nintendo and his Mom now wishes to buy him a TV for his room(as if that will help..) That will further hibernate him to stay on the couch and watch video after video
I don't think you're being fair. You admit you used to put your daughter to bed at that age, too. I don't really see that it's THAT big a deal that she has to go in later and turn the light off.
If both those children were your bio kids, you wouldn't insist on so much privacy from him, in my opinion. My husband and I go upstairs to watch TV, kids come with often. We go outside to sit on the deck and have a glass of wine, the teenagers follow us for awhile if they feel like it.
Your attitude toward your stepson, isn't uncommon among stepparents. But it's not how bio parents feel usually.
You'd get better sex if you stop complaining about him, BTW. Just a thought.
Yes but they are all material things I am saying do stuff with him outside games and activities nothing to do with Bikes and TVs skis and football, get involved with him, even playing a board game like Monopoly or scrabble is more involment ,Turn off the TV and the Nintendo doesnt matter what his Mom thinks he should have, get him out and doing more physical stuff., I agree that it will make him hibernate more.if he gets a TV for his room, say NO
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