telling my 6 yr old about her biological father

I have  a 6 year old dauther that has just turned 6 I have been with her step father for 5 and a half years and been married 4 the both idolise each other and have a really good relationship.. On her birthda certifcate if her really name but we use the smae last name as us and that is all she know...my husband really wants to make it offical and adopt her but i have been told i need the bios father permission... the only things she knows is that when she started to talk she used to call her step father by his real name ( but i dont think she fully understands).. she was asking why my step daughters call me by my first name and i said " coz they have a mummy" and we said that daddy was her step daddy and she said stop been silly he is my daddy!! . I used to take her to see her bio father when she was first born but that quickly fizzled out as he was not willing to travel. even my husband sat and spoke to him but he has never showed any interest and has never rang me.. so how do i go about telling her ?

[ticked]

I dont think that you need your ex's permission to have her adopted.  Is he in her life? Does he pay child support? does he see her?  

I would sit your daughter down and tell her about her father. Show a picture and see if she has any questions.  She will, maybe not at that moment but she will.

Ask her if she wants her stepdad to be her dad and see what she says.  

Mine was a little easier because I was single for 7yrs and she would ask about her dad.  I am dating now and we have talked about him being her dad and how she would feel about that.  

I think honesty is the only way to go

[AnnieBrooke]

You might also get a child therapist's reading on this issue.  I suggest that you be sure that  she is with you and your husband, if / when you tell her, preferably sitting in your husband's lap or being cuddled.  

[sweetp26]

to the first comment from ticked ... No she doesnt see him she would even know him if he stopped us in the street.. He pays something like £2.80 a mth through the child support agency even though i said that i didnt want anything of him but with me been on benifits i dont see any of the money and never have... i have supported my daughter frrom her been 2 weeks old and i have been with her step dad since she was 6 mths old. But i got told that because she shared the same last name as her biological father then i would need his permission to change her name even. i said i dont know where he is and i dont and they said that they would find him ? so i am a bit confussed.
To the second comment Annie Brooke.. do you think personally she is to young to be told the truth?

[ticked]

I know someone that did this and I plan to do this as well, so let me do some research and see what I come up with.  

[sweetp26]

thankyou so much that would be a great help as i get confused with all the conflicting advice i get.

[ticked]

http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adoption/can-husband-adopt-daughter-if-her-father-not-around-28734.html

I found that link.  Where do you live? I am sure it is different everywhere.

I still am going to find out the law in canada as that is where I am from

[AnnieBrooke]

You're going to need to know the rules in the U.K.

I would speak to a child therapist or try to do some research on the question, as far as how old the child should be to know.  In your shoes, I would not tell her at least until adoption proceedings are in the works.  This is because once she is told, what she needs to know most (more than knowing she is not her stepdad's biological child) that she IS his child in fact.  If the adoption could proceed without her knowing, I think I would tend to tell her later rather than now.  In other words, if I had a child with an absent sperm-donor daddy and a present real-life daddy, I would only tell  her at some point where everything is all taken care of and she is the legal child of the present real-life daddy.  Even then, I'd probably wait until she was about 14.  But that is just me, and I don't know what the ramifications are from a psychological point of view for the child.

Another thing that would affect the situation is whether or not someone else knows and might say it to her.

[sweetp26]

thankyou i will have a look but we are from england

[specialmom]

I'm going to be honest.  She is a little girl of 6.  I would not rock her entire world by driving home the point that her step dad is  not her "real" dad.  He actually is as he is the man who raised and cared for her.  You don't have to lie to her but you also do not have to make such a point to tell her the whole situation.  

I'd go ahead and let your husband adopt her.  Check to see if you need bio dad to sign off but since he hasn't had contact in 5 years and you may not even know his current address, etc, there is a good chance you will not need his permission.  And frankly, he may be willing to give it if need be.  

His adopting her will take the sting out of the emotion that is sure to come when she becomes fully aware that another man fathered her.  And if you never lied and are ready to be open when she is ready-------------  you'll have managed her the best way emotionaly through finding this out.

She let you know she was not emotionally ready for this when she told you to not be silly as you tried to tell her he wasn't her father.  She'll be ready soon enough and you can then be open and honest with her.  But forcing her to acknowledge it now may make her very insecure about her world.  

good luck

[ticked]

See I think the longer you wait the worse it will be, but that is just my opinion. Either way no matter what age she is going to struggle with it, but I see your point special mom about when she said not to be silly as she didnt believe you.  

My daughter has never met her father but she knows he exists and she asks about him. I am open and honest to some degree about the situation.  

Does he pay child support?  I think you are good if he doesnt because he will sign the paper for adoption to get out of paying and if he isnt paying I still think that you are in a good position.

I did some research and I think how it works is if you have no contact with the father but you know where he is, you have to have papers served to him to sign off on the adoption.

If you do not know where he is and you have tried everything to find him I think you have to post an ad in the paper and if no response is given the judge will vote in your favor..

That sounds like what everyone is saying no matter where they are from.