troubled step son

[nellybee]

My husband and I have chidren from previous marriages, that are both in the first grade and they both are in the same classroom. My daughter is more sociable and friendlier than his son, and addapted herself to this situation a lot easier. However, his son sees his mother every weekend, and when he goes there, no discipline or rules are being applied, and the things that he does are mostly fun and care free, and also inappropriate for a 7 yo (like horror movies, or violent video games, or even tasting from his mom's beer). No responsibilites or consequences for his actions either. He is the center of attention. When he comes back, for the school week, he is a totally diferent person for every time, and I suspect its because of the negative things his mother is teaching him about us. HE throws temper tantrums out of any imaginable reason that doesn't fit his desire at that certain point, he manipulates his father as if his father is his property. I take care of the kid most of the time during each day since his dad works till after 6 or 7pm; it all went ok till his mother took my husband to court in the middle of the school year, saying that she wants her kid for the next school year, and demanding full custody. My husband will not agree, and so far, the courts have been postponed, but his mom is drilling that idea in her son's mind as if its trully going to happen that way. So for him, we are just some temporary/ unimportant people, and he yells how much he hates this family when placed in time out or disciplined for his actions, and aggressed my daughter physically in a few instances when she was trying to play with his toys, which he won't share with anyone. His favorite words are: don't talk to me, don't look at me, don't play with my toys, don't touch me, I hate you, you're dumb, and so on. There is a lot of unresolved grief in our family, and a lot of anger in every person, except in our little 1 yo daughter, who doesn't know what's going on yet. Do you think that it is best for my step son to go live with his mother, since he is so unhappy here, and makes everyone else miserable? My husband won't accept that idea at all, when I suggested it to him, because he insists that his son's mother is not capable of giving their son a proper education. However, the kids had a composition letter to write recently for homework, and for the most special person in his life my step son picked his mother's boyfriend. Isn't this a sign that he is deffinitely more happy there than here?

[crzychick]

Keep up with the therapy.  Sorry to hear the 1st go was hard.  Sometimes it's difficult to face ourselves.  You say he IS willing to go with you. That is a good sign. That will look good to the court also.  Tell him that. You might even be able to get the therapist to testify in his behalf. The therapist will not be allowed to tell anything of what was said in session.  Dr/patient confidentiality and all that. But s/he can give opinion on stability.

Therapist can give the both of you skills on parenting so you can treat all the kids the same. (back to setting rules) No playing favorites in either adults eyes. So that should cut the tension in the marriage.

You are taking steps in the right direction and I'm proud of you!

I know of men that have gotten full custody. So it's not impossible.  He could start by asking the court to send Child Services to make surprise visits to either home to see how things go while the boy is there, i.e beer drinking.  Perhaps that will get him to be around your home more and support you too not knowing when they will show at your home.  *grins*.  (don't have to mention that part)

[nellybee]

Thanks for your comments. It is really liberating even having this dialog with you about what bothers me, and I know that therapy is going to help. I actually went to my first session last week, however, instead of feeling better I felt worse when the hour was up. It was the first time I went, and there were lots of questions about my background and about my relationship with my husband, and I reahashed all the issues that we have to deal with between the two of us, let alone the kids. I mean its hard enough to deal with sibling rivalry in a blood related situation, but maybe 100 X harder in a situation like this. But the root of the problem is not necesarrily in the kids rivalry, but in the lack of support that i feel on my husband's part, and in the inconsistencies that both of us deal with in our kids discipline. I feel I would do a much better job myself if I had his support, but he's never there. And sometimes I feel like I need to give up right that minute, or else I'm losing my minds. But that is a winner for this kid, who is relentless and pushes all my buttons, and all the boundaries to the max. My daughter has her own issues too, but I raised her, and it comes a bit easier to deal with her since I know what her limits are, than with my step son, who has absolutely none, especially when it comes to me.
I never mentioned this, but me and my husband are separated now for 3 weeks because of the incident with his ex wife, and other things that triggered that incident, which I'm not goint to get into here. He accused me of jeopardizing his joint custody arrangement that he's worked so hard for 4 years, and took his son and left. He seems very scared of losing his son, and feels that the law is biased against fathers having their children in full custody. He is afraid she is going to win, however, she has nothing to prove that she can be a better parent than my husband is, except that she is the mother. My husband has nothing to prove that she isn't such a great mother either, because its all here say. So we're all stuck in this mess. It makes me really sad that my husband took off like that, because it makes me wonder how much does our baby and the baby on the way (I'm 5 mos pregnant) matter to him, and what about me? Do I count at all to him?
Now he is willing to go to counseling with me. So we are going to see how will it end up. i'll keep you posted. thanks again for the advice.

[crzychick]

You didn't state how your husband feels about the boy's behavior.  Does he ignore it?  Think it will go away once the court stuff is settled? Or is he leaving you to deal with it?

You need to sit down and talk with him.  The two of you have to set rules for YOUR house.  Explain that while (son) is at mom's the two of you can't do anything about what mom says but in THIS house he will obey certain rules.  That includes listening to YOU.  Not as a second mother but as an adult.  Simple as that, respect for his elders.  Have some ground rules.  Some chores.  Ever watch Super Nanny?  I love that show, wish it was on when my daughter was young.

I know I'm repeating but....your husband and ex-wife need to go to parenting classes.  She is not going to listen to you.  Would you if it was your ex's new wife?  The reason for the class is so they can set the same rules for both houses and learn to quit putting the boy in the middle.

On a side note:  Do you have a video camera?  Set it up somewhere like on the kitchen counter, in the living room.  Where ever the boy hangs out the most.  Just leave it and he'll get used to seeing it there.  When he starts really acting up and being mouthy and saying all those "mom says I don't have to...."  try to get to the camera and turn it on without him noticing (be great if it has a remote control).  Then you'll have proof that she is filling his head with that stuff.  Might help with the custody case and might help push her into counseling.   Dunno if it will work but worth a try.

Bottom line and this is just my opinion.  Therapy

Everyone is so scared of it.  It's not like in the movies, lay on a couch and some guy asking your deep dark secrets.  I go, it's actually freeing, it's a gradual process, you open up a bit at a time and find the root of an issue.  You don't have to go any deeper than you are comfortable.  For the child's sake I think it's something that should be looked into.  Once more, put the shoe one the other foot, what if it was your daughter?

Best Wishes

[miscdesign]

Honestly I think you are in a very tough situation.  I think you need more than one type of counseling.  I think that you need family counseling, I think that boy needs one on one counseling (in addition to family) and I think that you and your husband need to agree on what to do and what not to do and really stick with it.  You two really need to be united on this.  Your husband needs to let him know that it's not okay to talk to you like that and that there will be reprecussions should it continue.  He is still 7 and he's definitely angry.  Good Luck, I don't envy your situation.

[nellybee]

I realize that in the long run it is in the son's best interest to live with his father and I. However, in the mean time we are the objects of his wrath, and unfortunately there's no talking to that woman at all, because she will make a sappy scene right away, and turn and twist every single word that you say to her against you. Last time I saw her, I decided to take matters in my own hands, and I was very firm and assertive expressing my problems. I said I'd really appreciated if she tought her son to respect the people that take good care of him, and to discipline him a little bit better, instead of letting him lose and telling him that he has no obligation to obey when he is with us, since i'm not his mother. I told her that she isn't doing a very good job at being this kid's mom, and if she wanted to have him under her care, how come that she decided to disrupt our family by filing for full custody in the middle of the school year. I told her that this is very damaging, and it destroys the family balance that we've worked so hard for. She goes on and calls me names in my own house, slams the door, and calls the police on me, telling the cop that I said her kid is destroying my family. I almost got in trouble because of that. The kid knows from her that "I'm not his boss", that he doesn't have to share anything that is his with the step sister, and that he is here only for a little while longer till she will take him with her. However she never follows through with anything she ever says, so she creates all this comotion I guess for getting attention and for her own satisfaction. What should we do to put an end to this mess? Its a vicious cycle, and I feel trapped in something that I didn't plan to deal with for the rest of my life.

[crzychick]

He's happy there (Mom's) because he is young and it's fun there because there are no rules.

I think that your husband and ex-wife need to go to parenting classes.  Most courts require them these days, at least in my State they do in divorces.  They teach how not to use the kids as pawns, how it's important that there are the same rules at both houses. etc.

I understand that letting the boy go to his Mother will make your home quieter but is it really the best place for him in the long run?  Will he be taught morals, values, respect?  You say your husband doesn't want his son to go to his ex.  Would you want your daughter to go to her father if his lifestyle was like that?  If he allowed her to drink his beer and let her watch horror movies?

I think family counseling might be a start.