I am a freak

Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but circumscribed. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I fell in love with Keroac’s On the road, and saw a lot of the country. Do you ever feel you become the worst version of yourself? That a Pandora's Box of all the secret hateful parts -- your arrogance, your spite, your condescension -- has sprung open. I am on my way today to go get re-evaluated for ocd again,and to maybe be put back on medication. Truthfully… I’m depressed. I’m depressed about my life. I miss my wife and kids. They are in Colorado visiting family this whole week. I still love her ... she broke my heart into pieces  but I love her with every breath, but I don’t think after all that has happened in the last 3 weeks, that we can work it out. She really hurt me.It is easier to tell you than someone I physically know. Talking like this is really not my thing. Right now I have  no decision-making ability whatsoever. I need to get a job, and can interview to wait tables today between 2-4 pm. It is just something to get me through this month and next. I am just trying to finish school for IT and get my wireless  vendors certification.
I am so very sad, and think I have probally been depressed about my life for the last 2 yrs. I hate fighting with my wife and have been about school, work, kids and life in general. So I hold it all in, and explode into a tirade. I vent for 2-5 minutes and then I’m done. I am angry because My wife was chatting online to guys, and she should not have been doing that as a married woman. I have never
Done that to me…it’s a form of cheating. It’s being dishonest. Its that she’s trying to hook up with them. They call on my cell, they send dirty nasty texts. It has been going on for 6 months or so.
Everyone feels sad sometimes, but when i am sad, i eat so I have gained like 50 pounds. I am handling this better than I thought I would. I have to do something though.
I think going to the doctor today is a good choice. I have ignored my ocd because I want it to go away. Out of sight out of mind.
It hasn’t worked out that way.OCD and friggen depression….nice. I am really sad about my marriage. I really want a GOOD marriage---one that is full of affection, intimacy, fun, and sharing. Its not that way. She never told me a thing was wrong. Ever.Its hard to handle. Any suggestions ?

[margypops]

I am sure you are not a freak, just trying to cope with sadness and probably Anxiety, I find keeping busy is a good thing and I know sometimes you have to make yourself do things,go out , have you talked to your wife and told her how you feel, ask her to go for fresh starts for you both, make friends,Change your cell phone no and ask her not to pass it on.What about the kids how about doing things with them , if they are young Read to them Kick a Ball, go Walks, if they are older there must be Hobbys and interests they have ,Busy Busy

[Lisa186]

Unfortunatly in this situation i think you should bite the bullet and leave your wife, you are not happy you want alot that she cannot provide you with, it will be hard and right now your probablly thinking i cant do that to my children but they will understand if you explain. I think you should move out, go to conselling get your self sorted out and then try and find a woman that wants the same things in a relation ship as you do!! Time will mend a broken heart even for the worst of us!! I hope you see sense, Good luck best wishes.

[carrie78]

i know its easier said than done...but you should leave her...it could be worse so yes i thing your choice of going to the doctor is smart.....sometimes i get depressed too because i gained a little weight after my daughter that i cant get rid of so i dont feel attractive but ive started to exercise and feel so much better....start walking transform yourself so your happy with YOU...Keep your head held high....good luck with everything

[babygirl6152]

well if you were my husband you would say to me- "enough of this BS-  "

You have children?? and you want to leave? Those things don't go together in my book. Get to a priest or counselor or something and get it worked out

miss insensitive

Just my 2 cents