Sharing of toys with girls ages 4 years and 18 months

[reb1942]

Hello,
We have granddaughters ages 4 and 18 months. Our son and daughter in law insist that all toys are to be shared, even those that were given to the oldest daughter as gifts, played with for years until the new child came along.
While we want to go along with the parents when the children visit us which is weekly, we find that this issue causes us serious difficulty.   We believe the "share all" rule is not fair to the oldest child.

We understand the need to teach sharing but we also believe that taking away a toy that was played with by the oldest granddaughter is not only wrong but a bit cruel.  The oldest child gets the brunt of the arguments and typically gets "time out' for not sharing.    We believe that certain toys should be "off limits" to the little one while others should be shared (maybe even giving a time period for sharing).  Please give us some advice to help us deal with this problem.  We want to be able to offer a reasonable solution to our son.   Thank you.

[margypops]

I totally agree with you and I have seen this a lot, it causes a lot of angst in the older child and makes her jealous of the younger one even though it is the parents mistake .,it isnt teaching sharing it is up to the older child if she wishes to share, not be made to and feel guilty if she doesnt want to share a treasure that very often gets broken by the younger child, it is in fact showing preferance to one child from another.If you are looking after the children make sure the older child plays with her special  toys in her own room or out of the way, she could of course share a minor toy she doesnt mind sharing, your idea of some toys being off limits and some shared is the right way to go, the way of teaching sharing in other children perhaps at Daycare, is to let them have a toy, say to the child"its your turn now you get 10 minutes with it then you give it to little johnny' he then gets 10 mins .'    Good Luck,  

[specialmom]

Hi,  yeah.  I think all kids deserve some things just to themselves.  I have boys 15 months apart and we call those items their "specials".  They understand this and respect it.  When they really want something that belongs to the other and is one of their "specials", they bargain for it.  They are 4 and 5 and I love to hear them work this out themselves.  We encourage sharing but know it is important to have some things that are just for them.

We also used a trading system when my kids were younger.  My older son would have a toy in his hand and take it to his little brother who had the toy he wanted, then he'd 'trade'.  It stopped a lot of fights and crying as my younger son rarely got upset if he had a different toy to grab his attention.

With these girls age difference I agree that I'd have the older one keep her special things put away and played with seperately.  And not everything can be special.  We pass on baby toys from one child to the next even though my older son got them.  

The problem is, it doesn't sound like your thinking is what the girls parents think.  And they are the ones that will make the rules for them.  Often times this is sad but true.  If they seek advice, give it to them.  Otherwise, as grandparents, you have to tread a little lighter.  You could broach the subject with your son and see where you get.  But try the special things idea at your place and trading as well.  Your granddaughter then might be able to do this at home without a big issue of grandparents vs parents.  Good luck!!