12 yr old daughter

My daughter and her step father are not getting along. We have all been living together for the last 8yrs. They use to get along like two peas in a pod. I don't know if it's coincidece or just her age. His daughter came to live with us 2 1/2 yrs ago. He never met his daughter till she wound up in DHS custody. She truly didn't know she had a dad. She adjusted very quickly. My daughter on the other hand not so much. (They are 5mo apart. mine is older) My daughter's mouth gets her self in soo much trouble. She never use to be like this. Over the last yr her attude and mouth is just unreal. Not cussing or anything like that just rude, back talking and disrespectful.

I let her know it's rude and remind her that I'm not rude to her. She'll sound off about whatever is bothering her. Her stepfather has done every kind of disapline he can think of and nothing seems to work. grounding, restricting privledges even tried going back to the old corner. Right now we have been waiting for her to write definitions they are at a stand still. We took her beloved Nintendo DS and MP# player It has been over a week and half and neither one is budged and I think it is damaging their relationship.

Any suggestions?

[tmv]

Stay consistant with the intollerance to the bad behavior. Set her down by herself and truly try to talk with her about what she is feeling. She probably is going through a lot of normal changes and feelings. It is a stressful time, 12 y/o. The struggle for independency. She may feel like the other daughter is stealing her time/love. Also, kids are funny, she may even be feeling embarassed. Who knows. Maybe the step-dad and your dd can do something together with just the two of them and see how that goes. Good luck to you.

[blechy]

I know how you are feeling.  I am part of a large blended family and currently my 13 yo daughter is not getting along with her stepfather either.  It is also her attitude and lack of respect that my husband does not like.  We have been married for 2 years and we have my 4 children (3 are teenagers) and one of his sons who is 9 living with us.  It is very difficult at times for me to cope with but we made a commitment to one another and now we are living it.  My husband is a harsh disciplinarian and I am not although I do take privileges off the children when they misbehave.  Our relationship suffers when the children play up so we are constantly working through stuff.  It is quite exhausting.  Is your daughters biological father on the scene?  Sometimes if its possible a break from one household for a short time helps them to appreciate what they have got.  

If they don't resolve this it will cause problems between the two of you.  I always feel like I am stuck in the middle - I love my children and have been with them longer and then I love my husband and feel my loyalty should lie with him.  It sometimes feels like a no win situation.

Don't give up - keep communicating with her and him and keep trying.  I say to my daughter if you can't get along with your step father then he's not happy, then I'm not happy and no one is happy so please try to get along for my sake.  

Let me know if you find something that works for you.  

[becks715]

I'm going to just chyme in.  I'm not a parent, I'm 24 but at 12-15 I was the absolute worst daughter and I fully admit that now.  I was never a trouble maker, ie I got good grades, didn't do drugs but I fought the power struggle with my parents hardcore for those years.

I eventually grew out of it and my parents are my best friends now.  No matter how evil I got with my words, they were consistant and strong minded, although they never disrespected me or belittled me.  

Your daughther is going through all that natural teen stuff now, combined with a blended family, combined with a new sister coming in, who isn't older or younger really who is his real genetic daughter  - could she be feeling a bit insecure?  A bit neglected?  Whether she actually is compared to feeling like she is are totally different.  

When she's in a good mood, when you aren't arguing etc have you tried talking to her?  Alone, sit down you and her?  Sometimes that helped me and my mom calm the fighting every now and again.  

Still be strong and consistant in your boundaries and what's acceptable but don't forget to talk and listen when the time is right.  That is just as important.

[Serenity76]

Her  bio dad doesn't  call much. She's only seen him a couple of times sinc she was three.

[Michele, Katy, TX]

Sounds to me like your daughter may be jealous of your stepdaughter.  She had him all to herself for so long and now she has to share him.  If her biological dad is not in the picture much she probably has come to look at your husband as her father.  Maybe the two of them should spend some time together like someone else suggested (just the two of them).  Maybe both you and your husband should sit her down and just let her know that she is still loved just as much as she always was and that one daughter does not take the place of the other.

[zac495]

My husband came to me (sounds odd) with 2 kids who were older than my son. Then we adopted another one. The boy (at the time about 9), couldn't stand my son (about 6). It was really awful. The 9 year old felt upsurped by my son (my husband adopted him). He is now (stepson) 17 and beginning to come around. Yes, the step kids have a mother (though the girl lives with us) so there is a way to separate them - unlike your situation.

I would consider family therapy. This is a lot for her to accept at this age - but she has to accept it.
Good luck!