12 yr old son relies on us too much for everything.

My stepson will be 12 in a few months and I have a few questions as far as approriate expectations for behavior and school work as well as how much should a parent do for their child and how much responsibility should be given to the child.

First off, for the last three years we have struggled with him in regards to homework and focus in school.  For awhile I thought it was just the way that boys are but now, with a heavier homework load and more classes because of middle school, his lack of focus and responsibility has been a constant issue in our home.  Our school expectations for him are that he do his homework consistently and turn it in on time and give his best effort, We have been available for questions and help and have worked with him to be organized.  We have also spoken with teachers to have them initial his assignment notebook so we know what homework he has.  The result: F's on tests and homework, late assignments, hours spent doing assignments that should only take 15-30 minutes and a general feeling of frustration from all of us.   We have tried everything to get him on track: reward systems, punishment/removal of privleges,  schedules and checklists.  He is very bright and when on task has no problem completing and understanding an assignment.  We don't know what else to do.  At this point I feel like he should be able to sit down and work on an assignment in a timely manner without us having to hover to make sure he is actually doing it.  I am not looking for perfection but some effort and consistency on his part.  I feel like he relies on us way to much.

The second thing is his lack of accountability.  This extends to homework, chores, and almost every aspect of his life.  He is quick to make excuses and blame everyone for his mistakes and because of this I feel like he keeps making the same mistakes over and over again.  And again, I feel like he relies on us too much to tell him exactly what to do and when to do it.  He won't even brush his teeth unless we tell him to do it and not a moment sooner.
And if we get frustrated about it (after the 100th reminder to do something he already knows he has to do) than he gets upset or angry with us.

Sorry this was so long.  If anyone has any insight on these issues or personal experience I would love to hear it.

[RockRose]

This is not unusual for a 12 year old,  especially a boy.  

Do you socialize with other parents in his grade at his school?  My guess is,  most of the parents of boys (with some exceptions) would describe their sons like your stepson.  

You state that he is bright and when he is on task he has no trouble understanding and completing assignments.   It sounds like he views a lot of it as boring busy work - because in fact that's the truth of what it is.  

Does he know what he wants to do with his life?  That's a huge hurdle,  and when boys figure that out - what career catches their interest - usually they try a little harder.